BoD RAW

This has nothing to do with the WWE

 

Spotlight! The lights have gone out in the BOD Arena….there he is! The #1 contender to the BOD Wor- wait a second, that’s not John Petuka, that’s Jef Vinson! He raises his arm and points….BANG! A sign is unfurled, but not THE sign; that sign says “BODMania III….Jef Vinson kicked my ass” Vinson laughs as he POINTS TO THE SIGN! The crowd boos the former World Champion as he and his lovely valet make their way to the ring, both of them exaggeratedly pointing towards the sign the whole way. Vinson gets a mic, and it looks like he’s got something to say.

 

Vinson: Well, after last week, I had to alter the sign just a little, didn’t I?(Vinson throws his head back and laughs along with his valet as the crowd is merciless). Calm down, calm down. You know, there was a time that you would have been chanting my name with every breath! But now you want the flash in the pan, the flavor of the month…..John Petuka.

Crowd goes crazy for the mention of Petuka’s name, which causes Jef to smile wider.

Vinson: And last week, I ensured that the flavor of the month that is John Petuka will NEVER get anywhere near MY BOD World title! See, I had resigned myself to my fate; I had resigned myself to my jet-setting, wheeling and dealing lifestyle even if it didn’t involve the BOD World title. After all, when it comes right down to it, EACH and EVERY one of you wishes they were Jef Vinson, champion or no champion! You just won’t admit it to yourselves. And while I’ve found the antics of John Petuka most amusing over the last several months, let’s face the facts here; last week, I SAVED John Petuka from himself! After all, now that he can’t walk, he’ll just have to forfeit the match as opposed to the serious injury he would incur where he to step in the ring with me again! John Petuka has NEVER beaten me and he never will! As of right now, I’m unofficially declaring myself the #1 Contender for the World Championship!

Wait! That’s the music of Kbjone! He and his trusty chair are out on the ramp, eying Vinson with clear distaste.

Kbjone: Vinson, let’s make this short. Tonight, I’m going to beat the crap out of you in the middle of that ring.

Vinson feigns horror as Kbjone continues to stalk back and forth with his chair on the stage.

Vinson: What makes you think that I’d ever deign to your level, you cretin? By the way, where’s your former partner at? Is he still on two crutches, or is he down to one?

Kbjone smiles a sick grin. He turns back to the curtain….there he is! The REAL #1 contender to the World Title, John Petuka, is out and standing next to him! He’s propped up with one crutch, but he grimaces and points at his taped-up ankle.

Petuka: Hey Vinson, don’t you worry. Come Fastlane, I’ll be on two feet….but I’m saving this crutch, because I need something to shove up your ass! As for tonight, well, you’re not the only one that talks to the big man from Saskatoon anymore; as of last week, Petuka is the NUMBER ONE merchandise seller on BOD Shopzone, and he agrees that an injury to his current meal ticket would be very bad for business indeed. So tonight, you WILL face my former tag team partner in the main event, and if you lose, you’re out of your title shot at Fastlane!

Vinson: (Enraged!)You can’t do that! I have lawyers!

Petuka: (Grinning)You may believe that, Jef. Wanna take that chance?

Petuka throws the mic down and nods to Kbjone, who rushes the ring with his chair! He’s swinging wildly, firing shots left and right as Vinson and his valet head for higher ground through the crowd! Petuka hobbles to the ring to join him, and we’ve got ourselves a main event, as Jef Vinson will take on Kbjone tonight!

 

 

Hart Killer vs. “No Way” Jose Gomez

Before the match, Hart Killer claimed that Wade Michael Meltzer confided him in that he was in fact the greatest Canadian in the BoD. Match starts out on the mat. Gomez works an ankle lock but Hart Killer escapes. Gomez drops an elbow but misses a second attempt as Hart Killer takes control. Gomez winces in pain as Hart Killer works the back. Hart Killer gets two with a backbreaker then starts stretching Gomez out. The crowd rallies behind Gomez, who escapes. Gomez bounces off of the ropes and comes back with a back elbow smash. Gomez heads to the middle rope and hits a clothesline. Gomez attempts a piledriver but that is blocked with a backdrop. Both men are down as Hart Killer is up first and knees Gomez to the face. Gomez manages to float over on a slam attempt but misses a crossbody then Hart Killer hits a DDT then locks on the Sharpshooter for the win. Hart Killer breaks the hold then starts to stomp on Gomez’s back until the referee backs him off. It seems that Hart Killer is upset about something….

 

 

Back home in Robbinsdale, MN, a concussed Biscuit is hanging out with pals at the American Legion. Let’s see how he is doing:

(At the Legion, “December, 1963” by the Four Seasons is playing as Biscuit finishes off his eighth Boilermaker and is waiting for Eddie to make his ninth when Grizzled Jeff & “Grappling” Greg Gunderson sandwich him at the bar).

Grizzled Jeff: So, (puts his arm around Biscuit), is the big shot ready to work today?

Biscuit: I ain’t working you today, ya fucking pussy. (Breaks glass and threatens to stab Jeff).

Eddie: Hey! Stop fucking up my bar!

Biscuit: We all pay dues! Its our bar!

Grappling Greg: No, its our bar and we ain’t keen on having big shots around. 

Biscuit: Fuck this! Put the ring together and I’ll take both of you on now!!!!!

Eddie: But we ain’t got no-

Biscuit: Put the crash mats on the floor. I’ll wipe the place clean with the both of you!

Eddie: This is a bar, not Eddie Sharkey’s wrestling school!

(Donny Walks in with a black eye)

Eddie: Jesus Christ!!!!!!!! Donny…….(verge of tears) what kind of animal, I mean what happened to ya!

Donny: I fucked Lou’s wife. You know, cuz its funny to get him mad like that. Then I feel asleep. And while I was sleeping, Lou came home and hit me with a haymaker. And let me tell you something, I saw a jar of cash on his fridge and I think he has been stealing the softball team funds. 

Eddie: That no good cocksucker! No wonder the Elks are having them fancy prime rib dinners every other Sunday. What kind of king eats like that anyway! (Looks around) And the rest of you, get your shit together. A man has been hurt and another stealing to give to the Elks. We are not standing for this shit any longer. Next Sunday is their Prime Rib Dinner and we are getting that and their fancy pool table. 

(Everybody makes peace and huddles up to take Eddie’s direction)

 

 

Backstage, Brian Bayless is with Rockstar Gary & Big D as they load up the van in order to prepare themselves as they pick up his dumb fuck cousin’s friends for his bachelor party. Mostly, its just booze they are loading into the van.

 

 

Next week at BoD Fastlane, Its a Tag Title Triple Threat with Curtzerker facing Camp Cleveland and TatR & Shelton Benjamin. Plus, Kaptain Kiwi & Mister E Mahn take on their enemies, DBSM & The Pride of Canada.

 

 

Backstage. Stranger in the Alps is helping kids make power point presentations for their favorite “B” Movies. Tommy Hall wanders over, proudly displaying the BoD Writer’s Title on his shoulder:

Tommy: Well, if it isnt the former BoD Writer’s Champion

Stranger: Yes, that is me. And congratulations on your title reign. It was a long time coming. And how about those e-books?

Tommy: My ebooks are selling like hot cakes. And my title reign was long deserved. In fact, no one has been in my league since I won this thing. Many try, but they fail. Or retire. 

Stranger: I detect that as a shot to me. Well, let me tell you something. Mrs. Stranger needed me. And the people of the BoD needed some fresh bllod. So I took a break. Had more pulled pork pizza from Papa John’s than I should have but who is counting. Well, me of course. (Proceeds to display a bar graph presentation)

Tommy: Enough. I have business to tend to and do not need my time wasted on has-beens afraid to me. I’m sure you can get a presentation out of that (Tommy walks away while tipping over Stranger’s root beer, which leaked on his copy of “Cave Dwellers.”)

 

 

 

 

We’re somewhere outside a broken-down apartment building. Doors hang off the hinges, windows broken, trash everywhere. Archie Stackhouse strolls into frame.

Stackhouse: The role of the prophet throughout history has been to inform those that cannot see, those that cannot believe without….prompting. (Archie giggles) And prophets make the best-laid plans they are able, yet there are always holes in time that attempt to dissuade them. Growing up in the sun-drenched world of Riverdale under the tutelage of Uncle Caliber, paradise took its own form in the nightly beating laid upon me to bring forth the soul of my prophecy! Witness the last year in the BOD! Archie Stackhouse laid waste to the false idols of the Administration! He survived the betrayal of those he would call his Covenant to return stronger than before! And now, we come to the masterstroke, the culmination of a half-year’s worth of planning, the crux of my lifetime of enlightenment. But along the way, I confess my wonder at finding fresh roots amongst the subterfuge, of finding an apostle that would rise to become my truest brother; I know that his mission is of a righteousness that even I must stand in awe of, that I must bring the face of my wrath to, for it is a mission of the highest order; it is the mission of you, Robert Davis.

Archie turns and Davis emerges from the shadows, holding Jughead and looking quite insane.

Stackhouse: Speak, Brother Davis, so that I may learn from you. Fill my mind with your truth!

Davis: Archie Stackhouse tells you all that a reckoning is coming, yet some of you do not believe! But I did, oh I did! I was saved from the sinking ship that was called the Administration because it was necessary for me to be so! The world that I inhabited could have sucked me into its vortex, and I would have deserved it; I was weak, I was defenseless. Biff Kensington, you somehow believe that you were randomly chosen to be sacrificed, but nothing could be further from the truth; you are weak, Biff. You are soft, Biff. You won’t be sacrificed; you have been naturally selected! And now, as BODMania approaches, you must know in your heart that your Apocalypse is nigh; you must know that everything has been building to this. My brother in arms, the great prophet Archie Stackhouse, has brought the healing light of Riverdale to the BOD because of those like you, Biff, and you shall be cleansed because it is necessary for the wildlife to once again grow! We do not hide behind our prophecies, we state them because all must see what happens to you and realize that we are not paper tigers, but rather the stoutest of the lions! At BOD Fastlane, the last piece of the puzzle will click in, and the bars will shut in front of you, Biff. And when that day comes, when you realize what has happened, you’ll beg for mercy, you’ll look up or down for anyone to bring you succor; and I shall judge you with the sword that has been handed to me by the prophet himself!

Davis turns and begins to smash everything in sight with Jughead! Stackhouse smiles like a proud father and turns back towards the camera.

Stackhouse: Biff, at BOD Fastlane, you will finally see. Prepare for your eyes to be opened on the road to Damascus; prepare to be ushered to the streets of Riverdale.

Davis stops smashing things and returns to Archie’s side, out of breath and eyes wide.

Davis: Welcome to Riverdale, Biff. Welcome….to the End.

Fade to black as we hear Stackhouse and Davis laughing.

 

 

We’re in the back with Wade and Abeyance.

Wade: Abeyance, I apologize if my question last week made you uncomfortable. Can I ask you-

Abeyance grabs the mic from Wade’s hand!

Abeyance: No, Wade, you can’t ask. Just listen. For months, I worked my ass off to become the BOD World Champion, and I DID! I beat Jef Vinson for that title, and after that Match of the Year candidate, I had my title stolen from me! And you know what, Wade? I didn’t complain! I was sure that my shot was coming! Yet, here we are, and I’ve never received my rematch for the World title! And everyone wants to talk about John Petuka, or Hoss, or Kbjone, or AndyPG, or even STILL Jef Vinson, but no one wants to talk to the man who won that title just 6 months ago! (He pauses) It should have been me at the BOD Rumble, Wade. And let me tell you something, I’m not the only one. Whatever happened to Adams? He got screwed over and hasn’t been back since. Let me tell you this; I don’t plan to just fade away like people seem to expect me to; I’ve got plans, Wade. If you think you’ve seen the last of Abeyance; well, you’re sadly, sadly mistaken.

Abeyance shoves the mic at Wade and stalks off!

 

 

There’s the music of Kbjone! He heads to the ring through the crowd, trusty chair in hand. He looks deadly serious, no funny antics tonight. He wants Jef Vinson, and he wants him now! And there he is! Jef Vinson and his trusty valet make their way to the ring, Vinson taunting Kbjone the entire way.

 

Kbjone vs Jef Vinson

Kbjone runs right at Vinson and fires rights, stunning the former champ! Kbjone is a house afire! He takes Vinson to the corner, pummeling him, and then whips him across and follows with a splash! Kicks in the corner by Kbjone! Vinson has had no offense here, as Kbjone has had control the entire time. Slam and elbowdrop by Kbjone, and he heads up top….Vinson was goldbricking! He rakes the eyes of Kbjone and slams him off the top.

And now, Vinson takes over. He works the arm of Kbjone, sending him shoulder-first into the corner, then taking him down with a cross-armbreaker, really cranking on it. Vinson rolls through to counter Kbjone trying to reach the ropes, but Kbjone reverses the momentum and gets the ropes to break. Vinson holds on until the last second, and goes up, big flying elbow by Jef Vinson! Applause from his valet as he covers, 1,2, no! Stomps by Vinson. Cross-corner whip by Vinson, but a blind charge hits the boots of Kbjone, staggering Jef.

Another charge hits another boot, and Kbjone grabs Vinson and loads him up, tornado DDT out of the corner! Kbjone grabs the arm as he landed hard, while Vinson spiked his head and looks to be loopy. Vinson’s valet is screaming at Jef as Kbjone goes over to get him, but Vinson grabs him by the tights and tosses him to the outside, then follows and sends Kbjone to the barricade. Vinson rolls back in and distracts the ref while his valet laces Kbjone on the outside with kicks from her stilettos. Wait, what’s she getting out of her purse….that’s her hairspray! The same stuff that she used to blind AndyPG before Vinson put him in the hospital! She looks to get a shot at his face, but from the back, it’s Petuka! He’s hobbled out to ringside and is swinging his crutch at Vinson’s valet!

Vinson looks out and sees Petuka, and he roars as Petuka chases his valet! Vinson with a suicide dive….he missed! Petuka moved out of the way! Petuka shouts encouragement to Kbjone, who is stirring on the outside, he’s back to his feet and tossing Vinson back in. Kbjone is going to pull this off! Petuka shouts encouragement on the outside as Kbjone is looking for the Driver…hits it! Kbjone goes up….but from the back, it’s Curtzerker and Extant1979! They’re out and they’re putting the beatdown on Petuka on the outside! Vinson is motionless on the inside, but Petuka is getting the hell beat out of him by Kensington! Kbjone is on the top rope, he looks at Vinson, looks outside, shrugs….he dives onto Curtzerker and Extant! Petuka is down as Kbjone tries to fight off Kensington, but meanwhile, the referee’s count is going up…..he reaches 10! Jef Vinson wins! His valet goes into the ring to wake him up, as he’s out on the canvas still. Meanwhile, Curtzerker has taken over on Kbjone on the outside and are holding him up for Extant, who LEVELS him with the A+ title belt! He stands over the fallen Kbjone and holds the title in front of him, while Petuka isn’t moving on the other side of the ring. Meanwhile, Jef Vinson has staggered to his feet with his hand raised, a grin on his face, as the former Upper Midcard Express lays motionless outside the ring.

 

TUNE IN NEXT WEEK TO BOD FASTLANE!!