BoD RAW

This has nothing to do with the WWE

 

 

And that’s the music of Jef Vinson! Accompanied by his lovely valet, Vinson strides to the ring looking supremely confident. Let’s hear what he has to say!

Vinson: With that pussy AndyPG in the hospital, I know that no one will interfere with what I have to say tonight. So, if I could have the attention of one Mr. John Petuka, I’d appreciate it! Come on out, John!

The lights go out! A spotlight hits the top ramp, and there is the man, the #1 Contender, Mr. John Petuka! He raises his head and points – BANG! The sign is unfurled! “BODMania III….starring John Petuka” (Replica signs now available at the BOD Shopzone for the low price of $129.99!) He stares at Vinson in the ring expectantly, shrugging his shoulders.

Vinson: You know, John, we’ve had quite an up and down year, haven’t we? Back when I was the rightful World Champion, you tried to be a thorn in my side, didn’t you? You remember when you…ahem…struck my valet, don’t you?

Petuka: (Smiles) I do, Vinson. You know, I did some things I wasn’t always proud of earlier this year, but let me assure you, that wasn’t one of them.

Vinson: (Smiles maniacally, and is clearly no longer calm).Well, John, I promised you a surprise last week, didn’t I? You know, at the BOD Rumble, I wasn’t really all that concerned with winning, to be honest; after all, thanks to that moron Kaptain Kiwi, I wasn’t allowed to challenge for the BOD World Title while Hoss had it! But, my high-priced attorneys noticed that the Rumble title shot trumps that clause!

Petuka: Get to the point, because I’m not punching your valet this time, Vinson.

Vinson: (Narrows his eyes). See, Petuka, I’ve already beaten you this year. And at BOD Fastlane, I get to do it all over again! Because those same high-priced attorneys noticed that my contract has a clause in it that allows me a rematch for the World Championship! Since you hold the only title shot that allows me to get that rematch, my lawyers have been in contact with the Big Man from Saskatoon, and he agrees that I can indeed ‘cash in’ my rematch clause against YOU at Fastlane! I will defeat you at Fastlane and become the #1 Contender for the BOD World Championship!

Vinson throws down the mic and grins! My God, John Petuka must defend his World Title shot at Fastlane against the former champion, Jef Vinson! Will Petuka be going to BODMania after all?

 

 

“Distinguished” Devin Harris & FunkDoc w/ Night & X-Man vs. Sir Facts & Onita100

Sir Facts is back from his 97th tour of BoD Japan. Match starts with the former funky one working over Sir Facts in the corner. DDH misses a splash and Onita tags in and starts firing away. FunkDoc knees Onita in the back then tags in and starts to fire away but running down the ramp is Mike Mears!!! He taps Night on the shoulders then boots him in the gut and hits a stunner. X-Man runs over and gets hit with a stunner. FunkDoc looks over and is shocked but that allows Onita to run over and hit a reverse rollup for the win!!!!!!!!!!!!! What an upset! DDH looks on in digust as Mears pulls out some Sierra Nevadas from underneath the ring and hammers them down.

 

 

Wade Michael is in the back with Abeyance.

Wade: Abeyance, at the BOD Rumble, you came up a little short in your quest to be the #1 Contender at BODMania III. So I have to ask, what’s next for Abeyance? After a year that saw you become the World Champion, what do you see in 2016 for yourself?

Abeyance looks down at Wade with barely-disguised contempt.

Abeyance: Noticed I was here finally, did you Wade?

Abeyance shakes his head and walks away, muttering to himself. The former World Champion is taking his loss in the BOD Rumble hard, it seems.

 

 

In the back, we see an out of focus shot, then it’s adjusted to reveal Kbjone.

Kbjone: Hey BOD! Well, apparently they told me that no one will interview me anymore, something about me being a safety hazard or something, I’m not really sure. Anyway, I came up a bit short at the BOD Rumble, yeah, but I really enjoyed battling it out with Hoss! He’s a great guy, that Hoss. But I watched the tape again, because we do that in this fed, and I noticed that someone who has never beaten me got involved in our match. And I have to say, Extant, it sure didn’t seem like your fellow stablemember approved. So Extanty, what I propose is this; at BOD Fastlane, you prove to the world that you and Hoss are on the same page, and you team up to take on me…..and a mystery partner! (Laughs) I love Mystery partners! And if you win, you’ll never hear from me again; but when we win, I get one more shot at the A+ Title at BODMania…in a no-DQ match!  (Pause) You know, I miss Wade.

Kbjone shrugs and swings the chair at the camera! It blacks out as we hear him laughing!

 

 

Due to the snow, Bobby’s bachelor party had to get pushed back as Brian is not able to drive them. Apparently, the weiner mobile is not too good in the snow. More of this next week.

 

 

DBSM w/ The Posse vs. The Masked Spambot

The Masked Spambot is making his debut here, dressed in a charisma-less gray bodysuit. DBSM acts cocky as he struts around the ring. Match starts with DBSM in control. He whips the Masked Spambot against the ropes and comes back with a back elbow smash as the Posse nods in approval. DBSM now casually strolls over but the Masked Spambot boots him. DBSM swing and misses and the Spambot puts in an abdominal stretch. Hold on! That’s not an abdominal stretch, that’s…………..the………………..GAREA STRETCH!!!! DBSM cannot escape and he taps. The Spambot drops DBSM and takes off his mask to reveal himself as…………..KAPTAIN KIWI!!!!!!!! The Posse is in disbelief as Kiwi burns holes through their faces with the Garea Death Stare. DBSM is livid as Kiwi put one over on him.

 

 

And now, due to his suspension, Biscuit is back home in Robbinsdale, MN. Let’s check in to see how he is doing:

(Back at the legion, Biscuit is with his pals. They are drinking)

Eddie: Hey, when is Donny coming in!

Grizzled Jeff: I dont know, I aint his secretary

Grappling Greg Gunderson: Yeah, you wish you was though

Grizzled Jeff: Arent you a tough guy. 

Biscuit (Finishes his Boilermaker) Shut up for Christ sake. I gotta find work. Jeff, why arent you promoting tonight. Its Saturday and you’ll kill off your territory. 

Grizzled Jeff: Uh, Biscuit, I havent ran a show since 1995. Donny banged the promoter’s wife in the bathroom stall and we havent ran since. 

Biscuit: I’ll work you right now. 

Grizzled Jeff: I’m not wrestling you Biscuit, you have a concussion. 

Eddie: Jesus, Biscuit, have Donny check you out.

Grizzled Jeff: Eddie! Donny ain’t no doctor. And he really ain’t that bright neither. 

Eddie (Face beat red) You sack of shit!!!! He is a god damn saint and fought the gooks in ‘Nam so you could have your freedoms!!!!

Grizzled Jeff: The hell you talking about. Donny was a cook for the Navy in Grenada and impregnated some whore after two weeks before getting booted out. 

Eddie: Donny is a hero you-

Grappling Greg: Jesus, Eddie, calm down. There isnt nitroglycerine here either. Why dont you take a timeout. 

Eddie: (calming) Yeah, my program is on, I’ll watch that. 

(Eddie leaves as Biscuit walks out, unclear and intoxicated but ready to work)

 

 

And there’s the music of Kensington Enterprises! It’s time for our main event! Hoss, Extant, and Curtzerker make their way to the ring, Extant and Hoss looking much more relaxed than last week. Hoss grabs a mic before the match starts.

Hoss: HOSS LOVE TWO THINGS: ICE CREAM. (Pause) And mystery partners! You know what, Kbjone, I really enjoyed fighting you at the Rumble, so at Fastlane, it’s on! Me and Extant against you and a mystery partner! I can’t wait!

But it appears that Extant can wait, as he’s looking more than a little upset with Hoss for that one, as he pulls him aside and talks urgently in his ear, while Hoss shushes him.

And we hear the music of Kbjone! He appears on the stage instead of coming through the crowd, and the reason for that becomes obvious as Archie Stackhouse and Robert Davis appear behind him, but kbjone immediately has to hold Davis back from rushing Biff immediately, as Davis is still determined to get at the CEO of Kensington more than he wants to wrestle.

Spotlight as the lights go out! Petuka steps out into the spotlight, nods to the other wrestlers, and they rush the ring as the lights come back on! It’s a pier-six brawl!

 

 

Kensington Enterprises vs Kbjone, John Petuka, Robert Davis, and Archie Stackhouse

The faces clear the ring and Petuka POINTS TO THE SIGN! The crowd goes crazy! Everyone gets sorted out on the aprons, and it looks like we’re going to start with Petuka and Curtis. Petuka immediately gets a drop toehold and wraps him up on the mat. They trade holds and Petuka rides him down again, putting on a clinic. Petuka takes him to the face corner and tags in kbjone, who hands off Robert Davis duties to Archie Stackhouse, as Davis has not taken his eyes off of Biff the entire time. Kbjone dominates with right hands and a clothesline, and Curtis has had enough and tags in Williams. Williams goes to the eyes to take over, and bulldogs kbjone out of the corner. He whips him off the ropes, but kbjone gets a leapfrog over and lariats him on the comeback, which allows him to make the tag to Robert Davis.

Davis goes crazy on Williams, backing him up in front of Biff and trying to gouge his eyes out of his head. He slams Williams’ head into the mat and goes up…he dove at Biff instead of in the ring! Biff jumps out of the way and Davis wipes out! Now Davis is in trouble, as he’s rolled back in and Extant is tagged back in. He ties Davis up with a cross-armbreaker; Davis puts his foot on the ropes to break, so Extant keylocks him back to the center of the ring and looks for a crossface, a very nice sequence that is broken up by Petuka coming and in and kicking Extant! That triggers another brawl bringing everyone back into the ring, and the ring clears except for Stackhouse and Hoss, who are just about equal in size and height, and both of them look delighted as they lay into each other with right hands. They trade shoulderblocks, but nobody moves. Again, nobody moves. Stackhouse sees something on the other side of the ring, grins, and gestures that ‘he’s all yours’. Hoss looks confused and turns around….into a flying John Petuka, who comes off the top with a bodypress! Petuka fires at Hoss, he takes him down! Petuka off the ropes with a lightning legdrop! Another! Petuka drops elbows on Hoss and poses as he stands over the World Champion…wait! From behind, it’s Jef Vinson with a chair! He whacks Petuka across the back, and that’s going to cause a DQ.

The rest of the teams are still going at it, while Robert Davis has once again chased Biff away from ringside. Meanwhile, in the ring, Vinson is taking Petuka to school…he’s got his chair wedged around his ankle! No, he’s going to Pillmanize it! Vinson off the second rope, DOWN on the chair! He might have snapped Petuka’s ankle in half! Petuka howls in pain as Vinson leans over him: THAT TITLE SHOT IS MINE, PETUKA! Here’s Kbjone with a chair to clear the ring, as Vinson heads for higher ground; but has the damage been done? John Petuka is screaming in pain on the mat as Kbjone calls to the back for help, and Jef Vinson smiles on the rampway.

TUNE IN NEXT WEEK TO BOD RAW!