BoD RAW

This has nothing to do with the WWE

 

 

Tonight, we witness the fallout from the BOD Rumble! Your winner, John Petuka, is in the house tonight, along with the man who is STILL the BOD World champion, Hoss! Meanwhile, cracks have appeared in the foundations of Kensington Enterprises, with the A+ Champ and the World Champ seemingly at odds, while the tag team champs barely escaped at the Rumble with their titles intact. Can Biff Kensington rally the troops, especially with the return of the psychotic Robert Davis and Archie Stackhouse stalking him at every turn; and what about Kbjone, who can make a case that without Extant’s interference, HE would be the World champion? What will Mike Mears say after finally making it to the ring at the Rumble and handing out stunners like BBQ brisket sandwiches? What are the odds that Rock Star Gary is already drunk? Let’s find out, on BOD Raw!!

 

 

Just outside of the arena, Bobby Bayless runs into his cousin Brian.

Bobby: Hey cuz, we are gonna get my pals today!

Brian: What? That’s today 

Bobby: Ya, I got us snacks too (a bag of all sour straws and Charleston Chews)

Brian: I got a smoothie, I’m all set. 

Bobby: You sound like a cruiserweight pal! HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!!!!!

Brian: Is that so? Hey, did Gary Strydom ever respond to your invite?

Bobby: No, but is Cuppie coming

Brian: He got kidnapped. 

Bobby: (on the verge of tears) What

Brian: Relax, I’m kidding. No puny cruiserweight could take him

Bobby: You got that right!!!!!!! (Bobby gets distracted by something as Rockstar Gary walks by)

Brian: Gary. Look, I’ve been busy lately but need you to do me a favor. Play Cuppie for Bobby’s bachelor party. 

Gary: Okay boss! (Swigs from his flask)

Brian: Alright, go to the seamstress and Ill take care of it and pick you up somewhere, got it. 

Gary: Can Big D come too? He has a mini-fridge filled with grain alcohol

Brian: I dont even care to be honest. 

Gary: Great!!

 

 

The lights go out! Spotlight! There he is! The #1 contender to the World title, John Petuka, steps into the shining light and bows his head. The crowd goes crazy as Petuka looks up….Bang! The sign is unfurled! “BODMania III….starring John Petuka” Petuka gets a small grin on his face as he raises his arm….he points to the sign!! He makes his way to the ring and grabs a mic. He tries to talk, but the crowd is completely behind him and it takes a few attempts.

 

Petuka: Well. Seems as though someone was telling the truth all along, wasn’t he? (He pauses to laugh as the crowd cheers) You know, I never really cared all that much about the crowd cheering for me, but I have to admit, it’s kind of fun! But make no mistake, there’s only one thing on my agenda now, and it’s not you guys; it’s BODMania III. And at the BOD Rumble, I had to go coast to coast, but now that I’m locked in, John Petuka is concentrating all his energy on you, Hoss! And I saw what you did to my former tag team partner, but let me tell you something….that isn’t going to happen to me! Because I don’t intend to play fair; I intend to win! Because the first promise I made was that I was going to the main event of BODMania; lo and behold, you all saw what happened! Well, now it’s time for promise number two; at BODMania, I will become the NEW BOD World champion!

And that’s the music of Kensington Enterprises! But they’re noticeably missing the World Champ, as Biff is flanked by Curtzerker, Tommy Hall, and Extant1979. Biff comes out sarcastically applauding slowly as he eyes Petuka in the ring.

Biff: John. Petuka. Congratulations! You’re went from #1 to the winner of the BOD Rumble, and even I have to admit that I’m impressed, Johnny-boy! But here’s the problem for you, Petuka; all you won was a beating at the hands of Hoss on the biggest stage of them all!

Petuka: Bring yourself down to this ring and say that, Biff. And where is said World champion, Kensington? Did he slip the leash, Biff?

Biff: Hoss is on his way to the arena, Petuka; I told him that he could take the first hour off to hit the local Baskin Robbins. I’d suspect he’ll be finishing whatever’s left relatively soon. But let’s not get off the subject, Petuka; what do you think is going to happen at BODMania, seriously? I mean, let’s both agree that your Rumble run was pretty impressive, I’ll grant you. But outside that, your main claim to fame is pointing to a sign! Look, I can do that too! (Biff waves his arm in a jerky motion towards the sign) Does that make me qualified to step in the ring with Hoss? Let me answer that – no. It does not. Frankly, I was hoping that Hoss would have actual competition at BODMania, but hey, I’ll take a walk in the park too!

All of Kensington busts out in exaggerated laughter as Biff points at Petuka, who looks bemused by Kensington. Biff raises the mic again.

Biff: But John, I didn’t get to this point in my life by taking risks. So, myself and the rest of Kensington Enterprises decided in the back that we were ALL going to come out to this ring….and congratulate you.

Kensington slowly starts to circle the ring, everyone on a side. Petuka looks around and raises the mic.

Petuka: I don’t plan to beg for mercy, Kensington. (He points at each member of Kensington in turn) Come on in, boys, water’s fine.

Petuka tosses the mic in the air and continues to jaw at Biff, who’s smiling as he motions Kensington towards the ring….but from the crowd, here comes Kbjone! He’s got two chairs and he runs past Tommy Hall and slides into the ring, tossing a chair to Petuka, and they go back to back with the chairs, swinging them wildly and causing Kensington Enterprises to back off. Extant huddles with Biff, who nods and starts going around, handing chairs to each member in turn. They start to approach the ring again as Kbjone and Petuka continue to swing the chairs to keep Kensington away. It looks like Kensington is going to go for it….but from the back, here comes Robert Davis and Archie Stackhouse! Davis is brandishing Jughead, and he’s heading straight for Biff, who yelps and takes off over the barricade, dragging Curtis with him for protection. Davis gives chase as Biff takes off, while the rest of the wrestlers look at each other….until John Petuka nods to Kbjone, and they hit running stereo dives onto Berzerker and Extant on the outside! That leaves Archie Stackhouse alone with Tommy Hall, and that goes about as well as you might expect for Hall, who eats a chokeslam from Stackhouse. Kensington lays scattered and unconscious as Petuka raises his arms in the air and points to his sign once more!

 

 

Stranger in the Alps vs. Phrederic

And the lights go out and the old ladies slowly rise, standing up in there finest orthopedics as the Geriatric Heartthrob as returned to action on BoD RAW. The bell rings as Phrederic attacks Stranger from behind while a sad little Jimby looks on from ringside. Phrederic tries an Irish whip but Stranger reverses that and hits a jumping clothesline. Stranger takes Phrederic and hits an inverted DDT. He is in full control of the match then finally puts his opponent away with the dreaded Can Opener. Stranger mockingly asks Jimmy the Agent if he was allowed to perform that move as part of his contract. However, as Stranger celebrates with Jimby and a few elderly women, “Marvelous” Matt Perri and Miss Danielle come out on the ramp.”

Perri: Let me tell you something. You think you can just waltz in here and own the place again? I’m god damn sick of sitting on the sidelines so next week, I’m facing you and will prove to the world that what you did at BoD Mania II was nothing more than a fluke! (Perri slams his mic down as Stranger stares down Perri before asking Jimmy to draft up a contract). 

 

 

Earlier today in a local medical facility, AndyPG had a few words to say.

“In this business, the only time people think of honesty is when they’re playing Scrabble and need a high-scoring word on the back of the bus.  But for me, honesty was always my way of life.  I was with Jef Vinson because I wanted to keep the title lineage honest.  I was with Abeyance because Kensington betrayed him in a show of dishonesty.  I called their match at Hell in a Cell because it needed an honest man to keep them from killing each other.  At the Rumble, I accepted being one of the first two out because I would not stoop to deception like others.  And I’ll admit, I was eliminated fair and square by Jobber123.  We have no qualms.

But my association with a man who used me has left me like this.  My dream has been shattered.  My dignity removed.  My health compromised.  My sight eliminated, for now. I have nothing left, thanks to the machinations of Jef Vinson, his valet, his lawyers, and the negligence of those who could stop him.

Nothing left, but hope.

When Pandora opened the box, she let fly all of the evils of the world.  But she realized her mistake in just enough time, and she did not let hope escape from humanity.  The doctors have said my sight will return and my neck will heal soon enough.

Hope is what will motivate me to return from these setbacks.  Hope is what will keep me on the path of doing the right thing in a world of backstabbers.  Hope has brought me this far — and hope will carry me home.  While I breathe, I hope.

And in hope, there will be glory.”

 

 

Backstage, Kaptain Kiwi is lacing up his boots. All of a sudden he stands up as the camera pans out to see the Brothers Garea:

Sir Tony: I know ya disappointed for how the BoD Rumble turned out and how we got conned by Biff Kensington. My dear brother Johnny means the world to me you know and I have to make sure he is okay. But, ya like a son to me and Anchor Cheese is my favorite food and to see ya on my cheese can everytime I fix myself a pre-rugby snack brings a smile to my face (maintains the traditional Garea facial expression). So, whatever happens, just know I’ll always think of ya as my boy but seeing you on the cheese cans makes my dear brother Johnny happy too. 

(The Brothers Garea leave as Kiwi maintains the Garea stare. Was that a pep talk or a warning to Kiwi that he better maintain his role as the Anchor Cheese spokesman?)

 

 

Backstage, Biscuit walks out of the office belonging to BoD Medical Director, Miss Diagnosis. He then asks a staffer how he gets to the ring.

 

 

BoD C-List Title: Biscuit vs. “Happening” Harry Broadhurst (c)

Before the match, we get our Harry Facts:

Harry Fact #230: Harry prefers buffalo wings over BBQ

Harry Fact #24: Harry prefers not to visit the South

 

The match starts with Biscuit on the attack. He fires away and clotheslines Harry over the top rope and on to the floor. Biscuit falls down then rolls outside but that allowed Harry enough time to recoup as he sends Biscuit into the guardrail. Harry sends Biscuit inside and drops an elbow before applying a chinlock. Biscuit fights out of that and catches Harry with a back elbow smash. Biscuit drops a knee then goes for the Stump Puller but Harry scurries over to the ropes. Biscuit steps between the referee and stomps Harry into the mat. Biscuit picks Harry up and lands several European uppercuts. Biscuit heads up top and tries a crossbody but Harry moves out of the way. Harry gets up and delivers forearm smashes to the back. He then sends Biscuit to the floor and goes outside and rams his head off of the post! That man just had a concussion! Well, he still probably has one. Harry sends Biscuit inside and starts stomping the back of his head. Biscuit tries to get up but is struggling as Harry screams that he never does the job. Biscuit gets up and swings wildly but is nowhere near Harry, who clotheslines Biscuit down. Harry softens up Biscuit, who appears to be out of it and not of the intoxicated variety. Harry has Biscuit in a front facelock and hits Biscuit with a DDT. Harry covers and Biscuit is able to kick out but as the camera zooms in on his face we can see that he is out of it and the referee backs Harry off. The referee checks on Biscuit, who is glassy-eyed but unwilling to stay down. The referee then signals for the bell as this match is called off. Biscuit pulls himself up and grabs the referee by the shirt as he yells how he was not pinned. The referee tells him he has to look out for his health then Biscuit decks the ref!!! In the corner, Harry is yelling about how he never does the job as Biscuit is kicking the referee……or at least trying to as several officials run out to calm him down. Biscuit is irate and slips down again as the officials check on the referee, who gets up on his own and signals that he is fine. I dont think even Donny can fix this mess. Biscuit starts yelling at the referee as he is being taken away and now Assistant GM Justice Gray comes out:

“After your actions tonight and the potential health risk you are exposing yourself to, I have no choice but to suspend Biscuit from all BoD activity for the next 30 days.”

Biscuit hears this and is livid, screaming “I gotta work, dammit!” The BoD officials are on the verge of calling in White Coat Security but manage to get Biscuit safely to the back.

 

 

Wade Michael is in the back with John Petuka.

Wade: John, quite the opener tonight. Any words for Kensington?

Petuka: Now isn’t really the time for words, is it Wade? Next week, Biff, you bring those 4 guys back down to the ring, because myself, Kbjone, and those two Riverdale nutjobs are going to kick their asses again! It’s going to be an 8-man tag team match, and I plan to put on a show for you, Kensington, while I’m whipping the asses of all of your boys!

Petuka shoves the mic aside and stalks off. Next week, the challenge has been laid out!

 

 

Shelton Benjamin & TatR vs. Clark O’Brien & Darren Jowalsen

There are folks literally hanging from the rafters for this bout. Shelton starts off the match working the arm of Clark. TatR tags and takes him down with a hiptoss. All of a sudden, Camp Cleveland comes out to the ring. They stand ringside as TatR puts Darren away with the IrriTatR but Camp Cleveland comes into the ring with the mic:

Mikey: (Points at Shelton) I  came here today to find that we have to face you both, next week, to determine who will face Curtzerker at BoD Fastlane for the Tag Team Titles. And you know what? That’s a load of crap. We beat you in the Tag Team Title Tournament fair and square (The crowd remembers how Camp Cleveland won due to outside interference courtesy of the Educated Negro Ensemble). 

WWF1987: And after those druggies cheated us out of our title match, we now have to waste our time with you two in order to get what we deserve. So listen up lovebirds, next week, this is the end of you here and the end of you together because we are putting you six feet under, Camp Cleveland style. And when the lake burns again, you two are going to be sacrificed!

 

 

And now, our exclusive sit down interview with Jobber, hosted by Wade Michael Meltzer:

Wade: Thank your joining us. 

Jobber: No problem and I only do interviews with the “A” team if you catch my drift. 

Wade: Dont worry, I’m not Josh Matthews (Smarmy laugh follows)

Jobber: Thank god for that. 

Wade: So, last week, you nearly won the BoD Rumble. The interference by the Job Mob was-

Jobber: (Cuts off Wade): Wade, I love you, but there was no interference. Look, the Job Mob was just out there for my best interests, assuring that the match was fair. Quite frankly, I am disappointed you think I cheated. 

Wade: Well, what I saw was Four, Stuart Chartock, and Sexy Tanahashi-

Jobber: (Cuts off Wade again) Look, I get you cannot always trust what you see. I mean, they say an eye-witness is the least reliable, correct? I mean Four is on special assignment. And did you see Sexy Tanahashi’s Periscope account today?

Wade: I did and he goes by Sexy Yano now. 

Jobber: Exactly, Sexy Tanahashi doesnt even exist so how could he have interfered in my match. 

Wade: Jobber, a lot of people have said you are no longer hungry. That you lack passion. 

Jobber: Wade, yes, I do what’s best for my wallet but not only did you accuse me of cheating, you now believe I do not care. Well, Wade, part of Four’s assignment is to find out how we can make the Job Mob more powerful than ever. And when he comes back, we will be the most powerful faction in the BoD. (Jobber leaves before Wade can ask him a question about New Japan). 

 

 

Back at the undisclosed Canadian location, “Pride of Canada” PrimeTime Ten is with masked Mounties and Cuppie:

(The room is dimly lit as Cuppie remains tied to an old wooden chair. PrimeTime Ten brings over some Mr. Sub and what appears to be a present)

PTT: Cuppie! After your dinner, you can get your present. (The Masked Mounties walk over with their shock sticks). Time for your almost expired chicken salad. 

(Cuppie screams in horror as he gets disgusting old food crammed in his mouth. As the mounties feed Cuppie, PTT opens up the gift).

PTT: Look (shows the gift to the camera) its the 1993 Classic Four Sport Pack! Its all Chris Webber, Drew Bledsoe, Alex Rodriguez, and……………..Chris Pronger, a proud Canadian. But, do you know what happened Cuppie! I had to change that in order for Canada to not be embarrassed because we were represented by Alexandre Daigle!!!!!!!! He is a disgrace to Canada, Cuppie! You see, Canada is my homeland and I do not allow disgraces in my country. And just like I removed Alexandre Daigle in that Sports Pack, I will remove all Daigleness from Canada and that starts with you, Mister E Mahn!!!! At BoD Fastlane, you are going into the trash (the camera shows the inside of the trash barrel, which is filled with Alexandre Daigle cards). 

 

 

Next week, Michael Mears will confront the Educated Negro Ensemble. And maybe the Men with Macklin will show up as well. Plus, Cultstatus returns and has a challenge to issue and Wade Michael Meltzer goes undercover to see Mar Solo at Rehab. Also, a medical update on Matt Indeed.

 

 

We’re in the war room of Kensington Enterprises, Biff having shaken the pursuit of Robert Davis for now.

Biff: Jesus, this is getting ridiculous. (He turns towards the camera) You know what, Petuka? You got it. Next week, Kensington Enterprises will take on your motley crew in an 8-man tag team match, and I’m going to personally guarantee that you won’t walk away from that match!

(A door slams and Hoss walks in, ice cream all over his face and the World title over his shoulder)

Hoss: HOSS ATE ICE CREAM. WHERE PETUKA?

Biff: Hoss, I gave you the week off. What are you doing here?

Extant chuckles and walks over.

Extant: Hey Biff, don’t be so hard on the big guy; you know how he gets when he has too much ice cream, he forgets his own name! Right, big man?

Hoss looks down at Extant, turns, and walks away. Biff glares at Extant.

Extant: What? I apologized after the Rumble like you asked me to. It’s not my fault that the guy is so thick that he can’t get that through his skull. (Extant drops his voice to a whisper) You know, Biff, maybe it’s time to consider that Plan B that I proposed-

Biff: Not yet, Extant. And don’t you already have a title that you need to defend on behalf of Kensington?

Extant: Suit yourself, Biff. Just know this; I saw Petuka’s eyes tonight. He’s a killer right now. You really think that Hoss can beat him? Maybe the Petuka of six months ago, but this Petuka is going to cost us the World title, and I want to be on record as saying that when it happens.

Extant shakes his head and walks away, while Biff watches him go pensively.

 

 

Jef Vinson and his lovely valet are in the BOD skybox. What do they have to say?

Vinson: You may think that I’m upset about the Rumble, but I actually couldn’t be happier with the result, because that human piece of garbage AndyPG got thrown over the top rope like he deserved. But the eventual winner certainly left something to be desired, didn’t it? So, John Petuka, I’ll see you next week on BOD Raw, and I’ll have a message for you then. Suffice to say, Kensington is probably the last thing you need to worry about at this point.

Vinson chuckles and waves goodbye as the camera fades out. What does Jef have planned for John Petuka?

TUNE IN NEXT WEEK TO BoD RAW