BoD RAW

This has nothing to do with the WWE

 

AndyPG and Abeyance are heading to the ring, Andy with a mic.

 

Andy: Jef Vinson, I’m sick and tired of your shit! Last week, you and I went round and round in this ring, and I’ve had just about enough – tonight, I’m challenging you to a match! So get out here!

 

The BOD Tron flickers to life, and there’s Jef Vinson! He leans back in his chair, laughing as he addresses Andy and Abeyance.

 

Vinson: AndyPG and Abeyance. (Sighs) It’s been a whole year, and I’m still here with these idiots. Andy, you must remember when I took Abeyance under my wing after BODMania last year, don’t you? Or do you confuse that when I took YOU under my wing to deal with him? And here we are, you two still buddying around. It’s adorable.

 

Andy: Vinson, stop trying to talk yourself out of this. Are you coming down here or not?

 

Vinson: (Laughing) Well, Andy, there’s a part of me that wants to kick your ass just because I can. I mean, I’m Jef Vinson! Now, you know that I’d normally want to wait for PPV to have such an epic..ahem…confrontation, but I’m pretty sure that type of money match is for stars; and you, AndyPG, are the antithesis of being a ‘star’.

 

Andy: Vinson, you just mentioned money, didn’t you? I have to wonder, Vinson, because I haven’t figured it out yet – where did your renewed fortune come from, Jef? I know that you lost almost all your endorsements after you lost the Title, so how are you paying for-

 

Vinson: Andy, you shut your damn mouth! How I spend my money and where it comes from is none of you business! In fact, I’ve got half a mind to come down there and shove some hundred dollar bills up your ass to show you where my money goes! But…(he takes a deep breath) I know that I have to prepare for the BOD Rumble, and I can’t risk injury before I win the BOD Rumble and reclaim MY BOD World Title! As for you….Abeyance? Are you even there? I haven’t heard your sniveling voice in awhile. Whatever. In the meantime, I’ll just sit back here in my luxury quarters and enjoy the show.

 

Abeyance grabs the mic from Andy.

 

Abeyance: Hey Vinson! I’ve beaten you before, and I will gladly do it all over again. As for me and Andy and our friendship, well, AndyPG knows that I respect him, right Andy? (Andy nods) And Andy and I know that it may come down to me and him in the Rumble, and if that happens….

 

Abeyance turns and levels AndyPG with the Welcome to the BOD elbow! He picks the mic back up.

 

Abeyance: Perhaps you’ve forgotten me, BOD. I know that I’ve been in the background for the last few months or so, but I’ve never forgotten all of you. I’m Abeyance! I’m a former World Champion; and I beat THAT GUY (Pointing at Vinson on the Tron, who gets a scowl on his face) to win it! And because of him, I never got my rematch for that title! So, because of that, I’m going to the BOD Rumble to win it, because I don’t need the title to validate me – I need it because I only had a brief taste of that nectar, and I want it again! (He points at Vinson) I knocked your ass clean out, Jef, and I’ll do it again before I throw you over the top rope in the Rumble. I’ll do it because 2015 was the year where Abeyance grew up, and 2016 will be the year he takes his place at the top! (He points at AndyPG) I genuinely respect that man, BOD. I consider him a friend. So, let me ask you a question – if I’m willing to do that to someone that I respect, someone I actually like, WHAT exactly do you think I’m going to do….to everyone else?

 

Abeyance drops the mic and goes to help AndyPG, who’s still down. Abeyance still wants that belt!

 

 

BoD Tag Team Title #1 Contender Tournament 2nd Round Match: “Distinguished” Devin Harris & FunkDoc w/ The Educated Negro Ensemble vs. Beard Money & Jose Gomez

The Educated Negro Ensemble call out their opponents for being nothing more than “sellouts and stereotypes.” Beard Money does a cartwheel to the delight of the crowd, further angering the ENE. Match starts with FunkDoc slapping away a handshake offer from Beard Money. They lockup as FunkDoc tries to cheapshot Money after a break but misses as Beard Money ducks under the attack and starts to clap and stomp around. The ENE are really not thrilled with this, with a “Distinguished” Devin Harris providing commentary from the apron. FunkDoc charges again but misses then Beard Money hits him with a scoop slam off of the rebound. FunkDoc rolls outside where the ENE huddles as Beard Money and Jose start doing the do-si-do in the ring. HA HA HA, GIT-DOWN WITH THE HILLBILLY DANCIN’. DDH tags and he mixes it up with Jose. DDH whiffs on a clothesline as Jose catches him with a jumping back elbow smash. Jose with an armdrag as he now works the arm. DDH gets up and yanks Jose down by the hair. DDH puts the boots to Jose but misses a splash. Jose is up and fires away. DDH reverses a whip as Night grabs Jose’s leg, allowing DDH to take him down from behind. Jose is in trouble as he is trapped in the opposing corner. Night and X-Man are on the outside, yelling at Beard Money for being a pathetic stereotype. FunkDoc tags and slingshots in with a leg drop for a nearfall. He now puts Jose in a Boston Crab as Beard Money rallies the crowd behind his partner. The crowd cheers as Jose finally makes it to the ropes. FunkDoc heads up top but misses a knee drop as both men are down. FunkDoc makes the tag but Beard Money also tags in as he runs wild. He is a log cabin of fire! Beard Money catches DDH with a bearhug but as Night distracts the referee, FunkDoc hits Money in the back with a pipe! X-Man yanks Jose off of the apron then DDH hits Beard Money with the Muscle Buster, which has been renamed as the Educator, for the win!! The ENE have made it to the semifinals.

 

 

And now, the Job Mob are making their way to the ring. Sexy Tanahashi is holding the BoD World Six Man Title belts, BoD U.S. Six Man Title Belts, and the BoD Europe Six Man Title belts, which were awarded in a cafe over in Europe that was on display over at Sexy Tanahashi’s Periscope account. Jobber has the microphone:

“You know, as a man of my stature, I felt that I owe all of you fans, the Job Mobsters, which is a name that I own all merchandising rights for thanks to our wonderful GM, Bobby Bayless and who will be enjoying a ticket to Bad Grandpa and unlimited cheezy bread in a few weeks, a personal appearance to deliver this message: I have entered the Job Mob and myself into the BoD Rumble match. In fact, it is my first-ever appearance in the match, seeing how I was the Champion for the last two shows. And better yet, I will be in action next week as a hand-picked opponent of my choosing will help me warm up for the Rumble. And, with the field as talented and deep as ever, I will win. And that’s a guarantee that all of you Job Mobsters can take to the bank. (Sexy Tanahashi whispers into his ear). Also, make sure to log onto Sexy Tanahashi’s Periscope account and see how the Job Mob captured the BoD Asian Six-Man Titles. (Job Mob leave as ST brushes the fans away from his titles while Four tears up all the signs for the other BoD’ers in the front row). 

 

 

BoD Tag Team Title #1 Contender Tournament 2nd Round Match: Strike Force vs. Hart Killer & Joe Dust

Mar Solo had his special brew roasting all day. He comes into the ring and immediately highsteps and pumps his fist. Hart Killer & Joe Dust are not impressed. Match starts with Strike Force getting attacked from behind. Hart Killer tries an Irish whip but it gets reversed and Mar Solo hits him with a flying forearm. Indeed successfully takes off his windbreaker as he pummels Joe Dust in the corner. The match settles down then Solo tags but Joe Dust boots him in the junk. There is no coffee on Earth able to help that. Solo gets beaten down as Hart Killer immediately goes for the Sharpshooter. Solo fights out and tries to make the tag but Joe Dust runs in to cut him off. He then take a shot at Indeed while Hart Killer chokes out Solo against the ropes. Solo is being set up for the Decapitation but Indeed has had enough and runs in to kick Joe Dust. The ref tries get Indeed back to the apron and does but that allows his partner to get double-teamed. Joe Dust heads up top but Solo cuts him off and hits a superplex as both men are down. Solo gets up and makes the tag as Indeed runs wild on Hart Killer. Joe Dust attacks Indeed from behind as its 2-1. Hart Killer holds up Indeed for Joe, who accidentally hits his partner. Solo flies in with a flying forearm to take out Hart Killer and Indeed puts Joe Dust in the Boston Crab for the win. Strike Force will face the Educated Negro Ensemble in the semifinals.

 

 

In the back, John Petuka and Peyton_Drinking are unpacking their bags.

 

Petuka: I don’t get it. How could the camera not be on?

 

Peyton: I don’t know. I asked the arena for the tapes multiple times.

 

Petuka: It doesn’t matter. I know it was one of Kensington’s goons. They must have gotten someone to loan them a key to my locker room by bribing them. And I’m going to beat the fuck out of all of them because of it.

 

Peyton: John, I get that this is important to you and all, but you’ve changed over the last month, man. I don’t know if it was all the stuff with Kbjone scrambling your brain or what, but-

 

Petuka: Peyton, this is NOT about you. This is about these fools underestimating Petuka at their peril. I’ve been warning them for months that I’m coming. They think I’m a joke? They think I’m a fool? Well, I plan to show them that when I said I was going to BOD Mania III months ago…..I meant it.

 

Petuka tapes up his wrists and goes to work the heavy bags, Peyton watching him uneasily.

 

 

“Canadian Dream” Mister E Mahn vs. Diddly

Mahn does not appear to have recovered from the kidnapping of Cuppie. The two start off the match on the mat. Mahn takes advantage until getting poked in the eye. Diddly lands a few shots in the corner then gets a nearfall with an Alabama Slam. Diddly tries a backdrop but gets booted in the face then Mahn hits the Halifax Hammer for the win. WAIT A MINUTE!!! The arena goes dark as the screen lights up. We see a zoomed in shot of Cuppie! Mahn looks over but the camera pans away as we see the two masked Mounties holding shock sticks are PrimeTime Ten, Pride of Canada, are standing near. PrimeTime Ten talks:

“Mister E Mahn, or should I say, Alexandre Daigle. Do you know where your mascot is? HA HA HA, he is right here! (Motions over to Cuppie) say something!!!! (Mounties duct tape over the spot where Cuppie’s mouth would be) What’s that, Cuppie? I am the Pride of Canada. Yes, you are correct. And who is Mister E Mahn like? Alexandre Daigle? Yes, you are correct. And do you know what your prize is, its four day old chicken salad from Mr. Sub (Cuppie shakes head as both Mounties take off the mascot head as PTT laughs maniacally while holding a large subroll. The camera cuts away then its back just showing PTT). But, Mister E Mahn, at the BoD Rumble, I will toss you out like a Tim Horton’s cup then I will win the Rumble and head straight to BoD Mania and become the Wayne Gretzky of the BoD!!!!!!! HA HA HA HA HA”

Cuppie looks stunned as the Pride of Canada has seemingly gone mental.

 

 

Kaptain Kiwi is in the locker room eating his pre-game can of Anchor Cheese. DBSM, sans the Posse, walks in:

DBSM: Well, do you know what I heard. 

Kiwi: (Garea death stare)

DBSM: We have both been entered into the BoD Rumble. The Anchor Cheese representatives want to see how we do in the match before deciding who gets the sponsorship deal. 

Kiwi ( Garea death stare)

DBSM: Well, I’ll see you there and also………………………………THE GAREA’S SUCK!!!!!!!! HA HA HA

Kiwi: (Garea death stare, defcon 5)

 

 

Curtzerker w/ Biff Kensington vs. Magoonie & PIERS

Match is joined-in-progress. The former Midcard Mafia are here tonight and in action. They are in control early as they work over Williams. The HUSS Section are going nuts as the Berzerker is yelling from the apron. Berzerker tags and hits PIERS with the HUSS Rush. Berzerker then tags Williams, who puts on the HUSS Lock as the Berzerker screams “HUSS” into his face, with the audience chanting along, and gets the win. The HUSS Section continues to chant here as the Berzerker motions towards them. Those are his people! Biff and Williams bring him back as the HUSS Section boos as the Berzerker continues to yell “HUSS” while looking at the HUSS Section.

 

 

And now, the medical update on Biscuit:

Miss Diagnosis: Count to ten

Biscuit: (Completes the task) Hurry up, I gotta work some wop in the Carolinas.

Miss Diagnosis: One more test. How many fingers am I holding up (its three)

Biscuit: Three!!! I need to go work and eat, happy hour at TGI Fridays ends in twenty minutes

Miss Diagnosis: Congratulations! You are cleared for the BoD Rumble.

 

 

Next week, the Men with Macklin and the Adventures of Art will continue. Plus, we will not see the Stranger in the Alps training montages as his agent, Jimmy, messed up that part of his contract. This week, it was set to “No Easy Way Out” From the Rocky IV contract.

 

 

BoD Rumble Participants:

Jobber

Stranger in the Alps

Zanatude

Four

Stuart Chartock

PrimeTime Ten

Mister E Mahn

DBSM

Kaptain Kiwi

Biscuit

Andy PG

Jef Vinson

Abeyance

John Petuka

 

 

In the back, Biff Kensington stands with Wade Michael.

 

Wade: Biff, last week you had some strong words for AndyPG and John Petuka; do you have anything else that you wish to say, and do you stand by your comments from last week?

 

Biff: Wade, you might be the single most useless lump of flesh on the planet. Do I stand by my comments from last week? Really? Have I EVER apologized for anything? Look, AndyPG and Petuka are both adorable, although I rather enjoyed Abeyance KOing Andy and helping him up afterwards. Good lord, what a simpleton. Anyway, I’m happy to report that I’ve talked to Bobby Bayless, and next week I have a present for both AndyPG and John Petuka!

 

Wade: Care to give us insight as to what that is?

 

Biff: No. (He grabs the mic from Wade’s hands) As for the rest of the flies buzzing around my empire, that chair-wielding maniac Kbjone is apparently contractually entitled to a rematch. I have no doubts that Extant will retain the title, but it’ll have to wait until after the BOD Rumble – for right now, I’d like to announce that ALL of Kensington will be in the Rumble! Yes, that includes Hoss! When he wins the Rumble, he’ll take BOD Mania III off and go tour the ice cream factories in the area! And if by some off chance Hoss doesn’t win the Rumble, there’s no doubt that one of Kensington Enterprises will, and we’ll work that all out when the time comes. (He shoves the mic back in Wade’s chest) We’re done here.

 

TUNE IN NEXT WEEK!!!