This has nothing to do with the WWE.

Backstage, Bobby Bayless is smiling as his writers are happy. Brian Bayless approaches

Brian: What’s going on here?

Bobby: Hey cuz! Did you know that Star Wars is popular?

Brian: I’ve heard.

Bobby: I made my own Star Wars! I bought a timeslot after BoD RAW next week and they are going to air it.

Brian: Are you serious, Bobby?

Bobby: Yeah pal, Fast Eddie told me if I gave him $1 million In cash he would get me the Fat Boys to play my sidekick.

Brian: You moron! Why did you give away that much money to Fast Eddie!

Bobby: Watch it, or else I’ll shoot you like a puny cruiserweight (pulls out tiny nerf gun and shoots it as a tiny arrow hits Brian on the head). HA HA HA HA HA(Bobby walks away humming “Baby You a Rich Man too” as Brian is furious).
Wade Michael is with AndyPG in the back.

Wade: Andy, your match is next, the 5 for 30 gauntlet match. Last we heard, you know that your opponents will be Abeyance, John Petuka, Tommy Hall, and a mystery man. We also know that you’ve drawn the first position in this match. Let me ask you a question; after everything you’ve been through, with Abeyance and Vinson this year, exactly what is your mindset knowing that you’re once again behind the proverbial 8-ball in this match?

AndyPG: Well, Wade, obviously being the first guy in a gauntlet match isn’t a great position to be in. But as you pointed out, it’s been an up and down year for me, but I keep finding myself with opportunity. Opportunity. It’s a funny word; it’s something that you can’t take for granted, but it’s also something that you earn. It can be fleeting if you don’t reach out and grab it to be sure, but I know that I’ve earned that opportunity, and now I have to finish it. So, no matter where I start, it’s on me to finish. Tonight, I’m going to finish!

And that’s the music of AndyPG! He makes his way to the ring, taping his wrists as he goes, barely acknowledging the cheers of the fans as he remains focused and determined. This will be a no-DQ gauntlet match for the #30 in the BOD Rumble.
No-DQ Gauntlet Match for the #30 Spot in the BoD Rumble:

And here’s the music of his 1st opponent, Tommy Hall! The Writer’s champ, representing Kensington Enterprises, makes his way to the ring, Writer’s title across his shoulder.

Ring the bell! They circle and lockup, Andy gets control with wrestling and chains behind Tommy into a wristlock. Tommy gets up and they exchange rights and lefts, Andy sends him off the ropes, clothesline by PG! He picks Tommy up and gets a belly to back suplex for 2. Tommy goes to the eyes to break and bails from the ring. Andy gives chase, but Tommy grabs a chair and lays him out. He tosses Andy back in and lays into him with stomps. Elbows by Tommy. He goes to the second rope, legdrop! 1,2, no! Tommy gets the chair again, big chairshot misses! Side Russian legsweep by Andy on the chair! Andy gets Tommy up, Michinoku Driver on the chair! 1,2,3!

Spotlight! The banner unfurls! “BODMania III….starring John Petuka” is seen, but there’s no trace of Petuka! The tron looks backstage, Petuka has been laid out! He’s not moving! Get the man some medical attention, for God’s sake! The referee has rung the bell, he’s counting….he gets to 10! Petuka has been counted out! Who attacked John? Andy looks confused as anyone in the ring, but he steels himself for his next opponent.

And that’s Abeyance! He comes out, determined look on his face in his return to action. He and Andy eye each other, Abeyance offers the handshake, Andy accepts warily. They lock up, side headlock by Abeyance. He gets a drop toehold on Andy and goes to work on the knee. He cranks on a kneebar, but he can’t sink it in before Andy reverses. Andy gets back to his feet, but Abeyance grabs the leg and gets a dragon-screw legwhip. He slams the knee into the mat and is really going to work on it. Stomps by Abeyance. He sets Andy’s knee on the bottom rope and jumps on it. He looks to apply the STF, but Andy escapes and heads to the floor, Abeyance on his heels. Whip to the post is reversed by Andy, Abeyance gets his bell rung! Andy limps his way back into the ring as Abeyance is down. Andy shakes out the leg somewhat, but he can’t put much weight on it. Andy looks to get him up for a suplex, but the knee goes and Abeyance collapses on top for two. Abeyance still looks woozy from that shot to the post, but he goes up to the second rope, Bret Hart elbow misses! Andy rolls him up, 1,2, no! Abeyance is getting his head back into it as Andy tries to get back to his feet, Andy firing rights; Abeyance kicks the knee and Andy goes down in agony. Abeyance looks to finish now with the figure four, but Andy blocks it and gets a small package for two. Abeyance is frustrated now, visibly. He backs off, he’s loading up the ‘Welcome to the BOD elbow’! Andy gets back to one foot, here comes Abeyance….Andy ducks! Abeyance goes crashing into the buckles! Andy turns and gets a Russian Sickle to the back of Abeyance’s head, and grapevines him in a Crucifix out of the corner, 1,2,3!! Andy somehow pulled it out! Abeyance can’t believe it! He slowly gets to his feet, still shaking off his head. He looks down at Andy…and helps him up! Abeyance leaves the ring quietly, his dream of being #30 gone. As for AndyPG, there’s only one man left to face! Andy knows it too, he’s trying to put some weight on the leg, but it’s almost gone. He’s still ready to fight though, as he tells whoever’s left to ‘bring it on!’

Wait…it’s that familiar music! It’s JEF VINSON! The former BOD Champ is here, with his lovely valet in tow! Vinson has returned, and it doesn’t look like he’s in a very sportsmanlike mood. He rushes the ring as Andy gets ready, and they’re off! They exchange right hands, with Vinson taking control. He alternates between punches and kicks to the injured knee. “MISS ME, ANDY?” he roars as he continues to fire away at a game, but injured AndyPG. Jef pauses to pose to massive boos as he continues to stomp away at Andy. He pulls Andy to the corner and wraps his leg around the post! He grabs the chair that Hall used earlier and smashes it into Andy’s knee! Vinson seems satisfied and rolls back in. Cover, 1,2, no! Vinson sighs. “Stay down, Andy!” Vinson to the top rope, his valet cheering him on…Randy Savage elbow misses! Andy’s alive! He drags himself up by the top turnbuckle, he can’t put any weight on that knee, but he doesn’t care! He stares Vinson down…”COME ON, YOU SON OF A BITCH!” Vinson charges, but Andy gets his good boot up! The crowd is all over it! Andy’s going to do it! He staggers over to Jef and loads him up for the Driver…Vinson pokes him in the eyes! Andy collapses! Vinson towers over Andy, comes off the ropes….Shining Wizard by Vinson! He rolls Andy over and puts on a Texas Cloverleaf! AndyPG won’t quit! He’s fading, fading, fading…..he’s gone!! Ladies and Gentlemen, your winner is Jef Vinson!! He will be #30 in the BOD Rumble!

Post-match, Vinson lays into Andy with stomps on his injured knee! He’s not done, the ref is admonishing him, but he won’t listen! He wraps the chair around the leg and knee and he goes to the top rope….Abeyance is back! He hits the ring and Vinson scatters, holding up his arms in victory! Abeyance goes to check on Andy in the middle of the ring as Vinson smiles all the way back up the ramp; Jef Vinson is back!

Key on a Pole Match: “Pride of Canada” PrimeTime Ten vs. “Canadian Dream” Mister E Mahn

The key hanging above the pole will unlock Cuppie from his hiding spot. PTT taunts the Mahn by doing Cuppie’s signature Medicine Hat Mamba while pointing and screaming “Daigle.” Mahn then runs over as PTT ducks under the ropes. Mahn goes over to climb as PTT follows but is able to deck PTT in the mouth. Mahn fires away, angry over the fact his lovable dancing mascot was kidnapped. GM Bobby Bayless wanted Cuppie at his upcoming bachelor party and made the match as a result. Mahn goes to climb as PTT grabs his leg. PTT yanks Mahn off finally then stomps away. PTT heads outside and reaches underneath the ring for something but Mahn drops him with a baseball slide. Mahn heads outside and shoves PTT into the post. PTT heads up the aisle as Mahn unleashes the Toronto Tornado, a most vicious discus punch. PTT is out on the ramp as Mahn heads inside. Mahn climbs the post as PTT gathers himself before heading into the ring. Mahn is almost there as PTT grabs a chair and tosses it at Mahn, who almost loses his balance. PTT is in and climbs up as he grabs a hold of Mahn and they struggle until both guys fall. They get up and are now trading shots. PTT tries to go low but that gets blocked as Mahn slams PTT down. Mahn heads up top for a crossbody but PTT uses the ref as a shield as he escapes the attack. The ref is down as PTT stomps away. All of a sudden, two masked Mounties run down to the ring and beat on Mahn. What the hell is going on here? PTT smiles as he pulls out an Alexandre Daigle jersey. He heads back into the ring as Mahn tries to fight off the Mounties and wraps the jersey around the neck of Mahn!!!! And the mounties take Mahn by the legs and drop him over the top rope as Mahn is hanging! The Mounties hold him as PTT climbs up and yells at the ref, who awakens to see PTT with the key in his hand. PTT celebrates with hockey goal-scoring antics while several referees untie Mahn from the ropes. The Masked Mounties now carry PTT to the back as he holds up the key for all to see.

We’re in the back with Wade and Kbjone.

Wade: Kbjone, you have a rarity on this PPV, a pure wrestling match for the A+ title tonight. What are your thoughts on that, and do you have any idea who attacked your former tag team partner?

Kbjone: Wade, buddy! (He holds up his new trusty chair, and Wade visibly recoils.) Don’t worry, my man! Tonight, you can call me Thesz, you can call me Gotch, you can call me Angle, because tonight, I’m going to take the A+ champ to wrestling school! I’m a technical wizard, you know that Wade?

Wade: Uh…no. I hadn’t heard that about you.

Kbjone: Well, it’s true! And let me tell you something, back when I was in high school, I won my weight class every year as an amateur wrestler! 30 forfeits my senior year! You know, they don’t seem to notice when you hit the guy with a chair before the match, am I right?

Wade: I guess not.

Kbjone: You betcha, Wade! As for you, Extant, I remade my nameplate from before, and I’m ready to put it back on MY title! As for what happened to Petuka, I plan to get to the bottom of it, trust me. But right now, it’s time to Greco Extant’s Roman! (he musses up Wade’s hair) See you after the match!

Wade: Thanks. (Aside) Greco his Roman? What does that me-

BANG! Kbjone nailed Wade with the chair! Wade goes down! Kbjone grabs the mic from Wade’s unconscious body.

Kbjone: Thanks, Wade! Needed to get that out of my system before the match!

There’s Kbjone! He comes out with his chair to the cheers of the crowd. He hits the ring and sets the chair up at ringside carefully. He looks towards the entrance eagerly, he’s ready!

And there’s the music of Extant1979! He comes out with his title belt around his waist, and a mic in his hand.

Extant: Now, now, now. Kbjone, I don’t trust you and you know it. Therefore, due to the influence I wield as the A+ Champion, I’ve convinced the powers that be that we need a trouble-shooting referee for this match! Someone who is well-versed in the art of grappling, who will enforce the rules as they are written, by the book! Ladies and Gentlemen, it’s my privilege to introduce one of most acclaimed arbiters of our time, Mr. Christoph Devere the 3rd!

A man in an old-school referee shirt and a bitching handlebar mustache comes out and stands next to Extant; they slowly walk towards the ring. Devere pats down Kbjone thoroughly, making sure to check the kneepads, the elbowpads, etc, Kbjone just grinning the whole time. Devere checks Extant, suspiciously taking less time to do so. Ring the bell!

BoD A+ Championship Pure Wrestling Match: Extant1979 (c) w/ Biff Kensington vs. kbjone

Lockup, and Extant gains control with a headlock. He rides Kbjone down to the mat and floats over into a front facelock. He releases and poses with a sneer. “That’s wrestling, imbecile!” Kbjone shakes his head and they lock up again, this time Kbjone with a go-behind and a drop toehold. He grapevines the leg and bends back, looking for the STF, but Extant wiggles away, looking shocked. Kbjone: “Wrestling!” Extant charges, but leapfrogs and does a rolling counter for 2 on a charging Extant! He applies a wristlock and transitions into a headscissors. Kbjone is dominating on the mat! Extant kicks out of the headscissors and rolls outside, slamming the mat! Kbjone taunts him from the ring while the ref puts on the count. Extant rolls back in, cautious now. He tells Devere that Kbjone grabbed his tights, and the ref admonishes Kbjone. Extant comes up from behind with a forearm to Kbjone! Extant takes over now, sending Kbjone off the ropes and catching him with a clothesline. La Majistral by Extant for 2. He attempts a cross-armbreaker, but Kbjone makes the ropes. Extant looks to press the advantage, but he grabs the hair of Kbjone and the referee breaks it up! “Wrestling, Mr. Extant. We will be gentlemen in our grappling.” Extant holds his arms up and nods. He goes back to the arm of Kbjone, punishing it with top elbows and a keylock. Extant grins as Kbjone attempts to roll out of it, but Extant hangs on. Finally, Kbjone finally gets to his feet, hiptoss to break! Kbjone on the offense now with kicks to the chest of Extant. He puts Extant back down with a half-nelson and locks both arms with his legs, stretching Extant. He rolls his shoulders to the mat for two. Extant breaks, but Kbjone catches him coming in and gets a DDT! That gets two, and the A+ champ is in trouble! Off the ropes, Kbjone sets up for the back bodydrop, Extant with a sunset flip, but it’s blocked by Kbjone who sits on the shoulders! 1,2, NO! Kbjone gets back to his feet and sets Extant up, brainbuster is blocked by knees to the head from Extant. Extant lands on his feet, superkick misses and takes out the ref! His precious, precious handlebar mustache! Kbjone behind Extant now, German suplex! Kbjone looks to set up for something, he’s going for a stretch muffler! He’s almost got it locked in….Extant with a closed fist to the face! That’s illegal! He’s wearing out Kbjone with rights, off the ropes, Kbjone dodges and now he’s got it! The stretch muffler is in! Extant is screaming in pain the ref is getting to his feet….he calls for the bell! It’s over! Kbjone is the NEW A+ CHAMPI- wait a second, why is the ref raising the hand of Kbjone but giving the belt to Extant? Let’s go to our ring announcer!

“Ladies and Gentlemen, Extant1979 has been disqualified for using a closed fist! Therefore, your winner by DQ, Kbjone! But still your A+ Champion, Extant1979!”

WHAT?! The ref says he saw the closed fists from Extant! Kbjone stares at him, furious, as Extant raises his belt in the air, still feeling the effects of the muffler! The ref is trying to explain to Kbjone….uh-oh, Kbjone’s got him up! Burning Hammer on Christoph Devere the 3rd! Extant has escaped the ring with his title as Kbjone continues to brutalize the referee! He goes to the outside…he’s got an electric razor! He’s shaving the ref’s handlebar mustache off! Oh, the humanity! Extant escapes again, but this feud is far from over!

Lets check in on the Men with Macklin:

Duck: Do you think I can pull off green and black tights

Marv: I dont know what tights are

Duck: What the hell are you talking about?

Marv: I dont pay attention to that stuff

Mears: Alright, since you two voted me the captain of the “Save Art” mission, I’m gonna beat some ass once I see any potential threats.

Duck: I dont have the right color tights for that

Marv: Neither do I and I have a child.

Mears: (sees a bunch of people in costume standing in line for the Star Wars) God dammit, they are in line to torture Art (slams on the breaks and gets out of the truck)

Yoda fan: What are you doing, line cutter!!!!

Mears: Sorry here is my tickets (reaches into pockets but ends up pulling out and and flipping off Yoda guy before kicking him in the gut and hitting a stunner. Mears then beats up the line as Marv and Art watch something on Hulu.

DBSM w/ The Posse vs. Kaptain Kiwi

DBSM stalls to start as the man trained by Sir Tony Garea looks on in anger. They lockup as Kiwi takes him down with a side headlock, a dreaded move. DBSM rolls outside to consult with Jamiroquai and Harvey Grant. Back inside, DBSM uses a single leg takedown and works on that briefly. Kiwi reaches the ropes as now is a good time as any to tell you that the Brothers Garea are at home celebrating Christmas in New Zealand while Anchor Cheese representatives are watching this match closely. DBSM cheapshots Kiwi and takes control of the match. DBSM uses a STF as Kiwi tries to make the ropes. Kiwi once again reaches the ropes as DBSM becomes frustrated. DBSM hits a backbreaker for a nearfall then gets another nearfall with a lungblower. DBSM now heads up top and dedicates this to Maude but Kiwi rolls away from a splash as both men are down. DBSM gets up first and fires away but Kiwi blocks the attach. Kiwi is a New Zealand shack of fire. He hits a jumping side headlock takeover as we get the Five Moves of Snooze. Mark Linn-Baker of “Perfect Strangers” fame distracts the ref as former MLB catcher Steve Decker rolls his baseball bat in the ring. Kiwi takes the bat as the ref turns around as DBSM sells like he has been hit and the ref rings the bell!!!!! DBSM wins by DQ? What an injustice. Two Anchor Cheese representatives hang their heads in shame as Kiwiholics are stunned.

And now, lets check in on Art:

(Art awakes on a couch. Above the ceiling hangs some slippery elm, tea bags and peanut butter that costs $13 a jar. He sees some hot water and makes tea when a man enters).

Man: Why, you are awake. I was going to take you to the hospital but I do not believe in Western medicine. My aunt Laura didnt either and lived to be 104 years old. She only passed away because my cousin Bucky got drunk and accidentally put marbles on the ground instead of ice melt. I never used ice melt but almost picked up a bag at the Woolworth’s in Denton, TX.

Art: Who are you?

Man: I am Brent.

Art: Oh lord, you know who is enamored with you.

Brent: I dont know who that is.

Art: Do you have a microwave? I need to warm up my tea

Brent: (Freaking out) Whoa! Whoa! Sorry man, I dont have any crystal meth here. Man, I dont know if you can stay here now. (Throws his hands up and walks around in circles).

Art: God, what a dullard.

We’re in the back with a taped up Wade Michael, Biff Kensington, and Hoss.

Wade: Biff, tonight Hoss faces what might be his stiffest test – Matthew Maynard Adams. Last month, at Survivor Series, Adams pinned the champ with his Adamsmasher. Are you worried that tonight, with tables, ladders, and chairs in play that the champ may be in trouble?

Biff: Wade, it’s obvious to me that you’ve been hit in the head too many times today. Or maybe you’re just that stupid, I’m not really sure. Whatever the case may be, I have no doubts that Hoss will be the champion at the end of the night, and Matthew Maynard Adams will crawl back into the gutter he crawled out of!

Just then, Rockstar Gary crashes the interview set, tumbler of Jack Daniels in hand. Biff looks at him with disdain.

Biff: What are you doing here?

Gary: Biffer! Dude, Bobby sent me here with a message about your guy Hoss’s match tonight. He told me that he wants to see a good match, okay?

Biff: Sure, Gary. Whatever Bobby wants.

Gary: (Takes a drink of his Jack) Oh, that’s the thing too! He was like, what if they just fought each other without people getting involved and stuff? So, I’m supposed to tell you that you guys, you Kensington guys are banned from Ringside for the match!

Biff: WHAT?!? I want to talk to Bayless right now!

Gary: He went to a tramampoline place to do something or another, I dunno. Either way, message delivered, Rockstar Gary gets a PPV payoff! Woo hoo! (He takes another drink) Good luck out there, slugger!

Biff looks furious!

Wade: Biff, any reaction to this stipulation?

Biff just stares at Wade and swats the microphone out of his hand, stalking off and pulling out his cellphone as he goes, Hoss trailing behind! What to make of this new wrinkle?

Next week on BoD RAW, a special sitdown interview with Stranger in the Alps, a medical update on Biscuit, and the 2nd Round of the BoD #1 Tag Team Title Contender tournament.

In the parking lot, Brian Bayless is on the phone and does not appear too happy. Wonder who he is talking to?

Time for the main event! The BOD World Title is suspended high in the air! And Matthew Maynard Adams is making his way to the ring! Along the way, he picks up a chair and lets it clang on the ringside steps as he enters the squared circle. And there’s the music of Kensington Enterprises! Everyone is on the stage, but that’s as far as they go. Hoss looks, dare I say, confident as he heads to the ring, Biff watching apprehensively. He goes back to talking on his cell phone as Hoss grabs a chair of his own and gets into the ring.

BoD World Title Match: Matthew Maynard Adams vs. Hoss (c) w/ Biff Kensington III

There’s the bell, and we’re underway! Adams takes the center of the ring as Hoss circles, warily eyeing Adams. Finally, he just shrugs and swings the chair at the same time as Adams, and both chairs go flying. And now they just lay into each other with rights, Adams getting the better of it. He fires Hoss into the corner and follows it up with a splash. He tosses Hoss to the outside and follows with a double axehandle, but Hoss spears him coming down! Both wrestlers slow to get back up. Hoss back to his feet first and he sends Adams to the stairs. Hoss is the first one with a ladder in the ring, but he doesn’t set it up, instead opting to return to the floor. He attempts to send Adams to the guardrail, but Adams reverses. He sends Hoss to the post, and we’ve got blood! Hoss staggers as Adams gets a flatliner on the floor to put Hoss down again. Adams looks towards the ring and starts to re-enter and set up the ladder.

Hoss is stirring on the outside as Adams looks to climb, making it back in the ring in time to yank him off the ladder and DDT him. Hoss pushes the ladder aside and goes to work on Adams, Hoss impressive. He sends Adams off the ropes, big back body drop on Adams! And now, he’s on the climb, but Adams is able to get back to his feet and push the ladder over, hanging Hoss on the top rope! Hoss shakes off the cobwebs as Adams sets the ladder in position again, and now he shoves the ladder over, but Adams jumps off and lands on his feet! Enzuigiri by Adams! Hoss is staggered, Adams with a powerbomb! But the ladder has been bent and we’ll need a new one. Adams heads to the outside to get a new one, getting a chair and tossing that in as well. He sets the chair up, oh my god, Adamsmasher attempt through the chair….is countered as Hoss escapes and gets a German suplex on Adams! Adams took a nasty shot to the head there, and now Hoss has the chair and is laying into Matthew.

Hoss touches his expanding forehead wound, which has opened up considerably, and levels Adams with a chairshot to the face! And now Adams is busted open as well. Hoss sets up the new ladder and looks to climb, he’s almost there, Adams grabs him by the leg and gets underneath, electric chair on Hoss! Both wrestlers are down! Adams back to his feet first, Hoss right behind. They lay into each other with huge rights and lefts, no one going down….finally, Hoss is staggered! Another! Adams lets loose a bellow….ADAMSMASHER!!! That’s got to be it! Hoss is down and Matthew Maynard Adams is climbing to the top! He’s almost there….wait a second, someone is coming down through the crowd! Who is that?

It’s Jef Vinson! He hits the ring with a chair, huge chairshot on the back of Adams! Adams drops down, dazed….full chairshot to the face of Adams! Vinson’s valet grabs a table and sets it up outside the ring, Vinson drags a barely conscious Adams to the ring apron….piledriver from the ring apron through the table!!! Hoss is stirring now as Jef Vinson looks down at his handiwork, grimly satisfied as Hoss staggers up the ladder, he’s got the belt! Your winner and still the BOD World Champion, HOSS!!

Kensington comes in for the big celebration as Vinson calmly leaves over the barricade with barely a glance. Why did Vinson attack Adams?