BoD RAW

This has nothing to do with the WWE

 

Bobby Bayless pulls up in a school bus, driven by Fast Eddie. His cousin Brian sees him:

Brian: Bobby, what the hell are you doing?

Bobby: Hey pal, still stuffed from your spaghetti and meatballs Thanksgiving dinner?

Brian: Damnit Bobby, for the last time, no one but you thinks it is customary to eat that or Thanksgiving. 

Bobby: We only have a halfhour show tonight. 

Brian: And why is that? What the hell did you do?

Bobby: Hey pal, I bought the rights to the movie “Disorderlies” with the Fat Boys. And the rest of the show we get to see that. (Puts on 3D glasses and sips on his YooHoo as Fast Eddie drives away, sipping on some Wild Turkey). 

 

 

 

In the ring, the champions of Kensington Enterprises have assembled! Extant1979 in particular seems pleased to have his belt back (with new nameplate!), and is sitting awkwardly on Kbjone’s stolen chair. Biff has the mic and speaks.

Biff: At BOD Survivor Series, a travesty of officiating occurred and caused a miscarriage of justice! First off, it’s clear that my being sent away from ringside constituted a terrible breach of the contract I signed as the manager and CEO of Kensington Enterprises! Believe me that you will never see that ref in the BOD again. As for the results of Survivor Series, while I’m sure that all of you plebians are happy about what Adams did, let me be very clear on this point; Hoss is a champion, NOT a barbarian, and there will be NO TLC match for the most precious title in Kensington Enterprises!

Hoss grabs the mic from Biff, frowning at him the whole time!

Hoss: WANT ICE CREAM! (Pause) And TLC! Adams, your challenge for the title is accepted! (He glares down at Biff and shoves the mic back at him.)

Biff looks upset, but he stares at a resolute Hoss and changes him mind.

Biff: Fine. Whatever Adams, it’s your funeral. Now, I also know that Extant has something to-

Wait! That’s the music of John Petuka! He’s out on the ramp with a mic of his own!

Petuka: Hold it right there, Biff. You may be forgetting something, but these fans haven’t, and that’s the fact that YOUR future BODMania III main eventer, the one and only John Petuka, eliminated two of your members at BOD Survivor Series, and let me tell you, it felt good! Now, while I’m sure that Petuka scares you, why not give the fans what they truly want? Why not give them Petuka vs Hoss for the title…tonight!

The crowd goes wild! It seems that match IS what the people want! Biff laughs and takes the mic.

Biff: John Petuka. You know John, months ago at BOD Summerslam, when I chose Abeyance for his greatest role, that being patsy, I thought about choosing you. I know how badly you want it, and I figured anyone could beat up Vinson, so why not you? Do you know why I didn’t choose you, Petuka? I didn’t choose you because you’re a joke, Petuka! Hey, why not point to the sign again, John? Come on, it’s really cute and all, but no one believes that you’re on the level of Hoss! You can have your spotlight and your cute sign pointing pose, but really John, you’re just upper midcard for life! You’re not worthy of Hoss, John, for one reason – you’re simply not. that. good. Now then, Extant, you had something to say before you were so rudely interrupted. (Biff gestures towards Petuka on the stage, who is simmering with rage) Whoever’s in the back, cut his mic! The A+ champ has something to say!

Extant: Well thank you, Biff. As usual, you are truly a gentleman worthy of my talents, and I’m proud to once again carry the symbol of greatness that is the A+ championship! But my belt was defiled by the scum of the earth, that reprobate Kbjone; frankly, I’m amazed that it wasn’t returned to me in worse shape than it is in. Luckily, all is right in the world, except for one thing; vengeance! For you see, as a true gentlemen and a scholar, I don’t participate in –

And the music of Kbjone hits! He comes through the crowd to stand on the stage with Petuka, and he’s got a mic of his own! And a new chair!

Kbjone: Extanty, my buddy! Let me tell you something, when you took my chair last week, I cried for like 3 and a half seconds!

Extant looks satisfied.

Extant: Oh really? Play it off all you wish, I know how much this thing meant to you! And now you can watch as I bring about its destruction!

Extant smashes the chair against the ringpost until it begins to come apart! Finally it lies in pieces on the floor as Kbjone looks on, feigning horror. Extant picks up the mic, satisfied.

Extant: What do you think of your precious tool of destruction now, Kbjone?

Kbjone: Well, clearly I’m devastated….wait a sec. (He turns to one of the fans in the back row near the stage) Dude, can I have your chair?

The fan hands over his chair, Kbjone looks satisfied.

Kbjone: Look, new chair! Man, that was easier than I thought!

Extant grins sourly.

Extant: Really amusing, to be sure. Well let me say something then, because I’m going to lay down the challenge to you, Kbjone! You must be punished for daring to touch my A+ title, so at BOD TLC, you and I will face off in –

Kbjone: A tables match! A ladder match! A CHAIRS MATCH!

Extant: A pure wrestling match! That’s right, you and me, one on one for the A+ title, in a pure wrestling match! No fists, no chairs, no tables, nothing but my superior grappling skills and intellect! And I’m sure you’ll bring your….who am I kidding? There’s no way that you would acc-

Kbjone: Sure, let’s do it.

Extant: (Pause) Uh, excuse me?

Kbjone: Sure, a wrestling match. Let’s do that.

Extant: Um, you are aware of what I mean by-

Kbjone: Yep.

Extant: Oh. Okay.

Kbjone: Anything else, then?

Extant sheepishly hands the mic back to Biff, who continues.

Biff: As for Stackhouse and Davis, the cops are looking for you, Davis! You violated your restraining order last week, and I’m sending your ass to jail as soon as I see you again! Stackhouse, you’ll wish for jail after I’m done with you! As for you two on the stage, I’m feeling sporting, so next week I’m going to give the former Upper Midcard Express, blech, a shot at what was once theirs! Next week, you’ll get a chance at the tag team championships against Curtzerker right HERE on BOD Raw! Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have things to do!

Wow! At TLC, it will be Hoss/Adams for the belt in a table, ladders, and chairs match! Extant vs Kbjone in a pure wrestling match! Next week, the UMX will get a shot at the tag titles here on BOD Raw! What a segment!

 

 

Wade Michael is with AndyPG.

Wade: Andy, Survivor Series didn’t go as well as you had hoped, it would seem.

Andy: Wade, it didn’t. But we did win the match, and anything that puts a chink in the armor of Kensington is worth it, to say the least. Now, my focus is on the BOD Rumble and becoming the #1 contender to Hoss’ world title for BODMania III!

Wade: Well, in that vein, I have a surprise for you. I’ve been told that you are the first invitee into the BOD 5 for 30 Gauntlet at TLC. This no-DQ match will be a gauntlet match to determine who will be the #30 entrant into the BOD Rumble this year. Last man standing wins; will you be that last man, Andy?

Andy: Wade, let me tell you something, I fight hard every day to be the best! No matter what number I get in the Rumble, I plan to be the last man standing at the end of it; that having been said, number 30 would be sweet indeed. Have the other competitors been named yet?

Wade: We expect more info next week.

Andy: So be it. Until then, my training continues. (Andy claps Wade on the back and heads off.)

 

 

Next week, Abeyance finally returns to the BOD! What will he have to say after his final war with Jef Vinson? Where does he go from here in the BOD? Next week, all the answers will be revealed!

 

 

A limousine has pulled up in the BOD parking lot, and it’s the former World Champ himself, Jef Vinson! He and his lovely valet get out of the car, and Wade Michael rushes to greet him.

Wade: Very nice car, Mr. Vinson.

Vinson: Thank you, Wade. Obviously, the rumors of my financial problems have been greatly exaggerated, would you not agree?

Wade: I have heard from several sources that you’ve resumed flying first class and traveling in limos, but I had not heard of you getting new endorsement deals. So I have to ask the question that is on everyone’s mind, Jef; where is all of your money coming from now?

Vinson: A small corporation named ‘It’s none of Wade’s business, LLC’. But let’s talk about what is your business, and that is the fact that I, Jef Vinson, have chosen my return date to the ring, and that date is at BOD TLC! So don’t worry, BOD, your champ is almost ready to return, and let me say this; you won ‘t see me coming, but you’ll be amazed when it happens. (He winks at his valet) She can attest to it. Later, Wade!

Vinson goes into the BOD Arena, laughing. What is going on with the former World Champ?

 

 

Somewhere, Archie Stackhouse and Robert Davis hold court under a dimly lit lamp.

Davis: Biff, I hear you’re looking for me now, Biff. Finally, you understand that there’s nothing you can do to stop the inevitable! You know that someday, your reckoning will come at the hands of Robert Davis, that I shall finish what we have begun when I take my vengeance with your blood.

Archie: At Survivor Series, I did not accomplish what I set out to do, and for that, I went back to Riverdale and submitted to the will of Uncle Caliber. After my lashings, I took strength and solace in the resolve that I now had to finish what was started so long ago. Biff, your world is going to continue to shrink around you until you are compressed into a tight corner from which there is no escape. And when that happens, Robert Davis will be there to finish what was righteously started so many months ago.

Davis: Bring on your officers of the law, bring on your papers. I recognize no laws but those of combat, of vengeance, of blood. You cannot stop me, Biff. I am here as your reckoning. Welcome to Riverdale, Biff. Welcome….to the end.

 

 

 

In the back, Peyton_Drinking has caught up with John Petuka.

Peyton: Hey! What is this I hear about you getting a tag title shot next week with Kbjone? I thought we were done with him!

Petuka: Don’t worry about it.

Come on, John! I took beating after beating from this dude, and now you’re teaming up with him! I thought you told me that your first priority was the Future Kings, and now….why are you sulking so much? What did Biff say to you? Petuka?

Petuka turns towards Peyton, and now we can see the rage in his eyes!

Petuka: Don’t. Worry. About. IT!

Petuka stalks off down the corridor as Peyton looks surprised. Has a sleeping John Petuka been awoken?

 

 

We have learned that next week, the BoD Tag Team #1 Contender’s Tournament will continue. Also, we get a medical update on Biscuit. Plus, at BoD TLC, Kaptain Kiwi will face DBSM. And, the Job Mob will defend all of the Six-Man Titles. Plus, Jobber will give his State of the BoD Address. And more!

 

 

And, your main event!