BoD RAW

This has nothing to do with the WWE

 

We have learned tonight that both Jef Vinson and Abeyance are not medically cleared to compete and have been held back from the tour. Also, Biscuit is on a concussion protocol after getting hit with brass knux at BoD Hell in a Cell.

 

 

Bobby Bayless brings his cousin Brian into the writer’s room. Lets hear what they have to say:

Bobby: Hey cousin, here are my writers. (Looks around a room of 23 exhausted guys).

Brian: They look thrilled.

Bobby: HA HA HA, they have great ideas! (Addresses the writers) So, whaddaya got for me!!!!

Writer #1: Well, I thought I would create a new character, Papa John Texaco. He is a pizza and oil tycoon

Bobby: Tycoon. I love their toys!

Brian: Bobby, that is Tyco you are thinking about. If they waited seven years, they could have ripped you off too.

Bobby: They make Army Ants! And why does he have pizza and oil. How about we get the Noid? You have to avoid him!

Writer #1: Um, that is property of Dominos

Bobby: (Confused) What do you mean, I have him on my shelf.

Brian: Bobby, that is a toy.

Bobby: But I own it, dammit! Its mine!

Writer #1: Alright, do you want to make him a star.

Bobby: Not with those thighs, pal!

(Writers all seem to be at a loss as Brian glares over at Bobby, who is sipping on some YooHoo).

We will check back in the waiting room later.

 

 

BoD Tag Team #1 Contender’s Tournament First Round Match: Camp Cleveland vs. The Drivers

Camp Cleveland has not been seen since BoD Night of Champions. But they told our own Wade Michael Meltzer earlier today that they are now more focused than ever. And they start the match by ambushing their opponents. Mikey sends Juvy outside with a clothesline as WWF1987 stomps a mudhole into Spicolli. The Clevelanders are cutting off the ring as Juvy is now on the apron. WWF1987 sets up for a superplex but Spicolli shoves him off and connects with a missile dropkick. Both men are down as its a hot tag to Juvy! He takes Mikey down with a hurricarana then knocks WWF1987 to the floor. Juvy is a lower midcard house of fire, folks! Juvy tries a dropkick but Mikey pulls up on the ropes. WWF1987 tags in and climbs up top as Mikey hits Juvy with the A.A. then WWF1987 comes off of the top with a moonsault and that gets the win as Camp Cleveland advances.

 

 

Let’s go back to the writer’s room:

Bobby: (Finishing off some Fun Dip) What else do ya got for me? I wanna make a new Fat Boys movie

Writer #2: Um, one of the guys is dea-

Brian: (Afraid to let Bobby hear that his obese hero is dead) How about we focus on the wrestling. 

Writer #2: Can I say something?

Bobby: Go ahead, pal!

Writer #2: Ok, I just have a question. I have never watched wrestling in my life prior to getting hired here but do fans of wrestling really put a lot of stock into the size of a wrestler’s thighs? Is that what makes someone popular. 

Bobby: What! You sound like a jealous cruiserweight! I bet you eat vegetables too.

Writer #2: I do eat a balanced diet, yes. 

Bobby: Well………………..YOU’RE FIRED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Writer #2: Guess I dont need this any longer (Tosses resignation letter into the garbage and leaves).

Bobby: And if I do not get the Noid, I will fire all of you!!!!!! (Bobby angrily leaves and slams the door as Brian is in a state of disbelief. 

 

 

BoD Tag Team #1 Contender’s Tournament First Round Match: TatR & Shelton Benjamin vs. THE RIPSHIT KILLERS

And the hometown crowd goes nuts for TatR. One sign in the crowd reads “You can ride my treadmill anytime!” The RIPSHIT KILLERS have been on a tour of Mexico, that saw AARRRRGH The Barbarian spear a goat with his antlers. Shelton starts against The YETAAAAY and he uses his athleticism and speed to his advantage. TatR tags as the crowd goes crazy. He goes right after the Barbarian. He slams the YETAAAAY down and does the same to the Barbarian. Shelton comes in and he also slams them down then gets a bit too close to TatR’s ear. TatR decides to fly but gets caught. However, Shelton runs and hits a flipping dropkick over the top rope to knock down the RIPSHIT KILLERS. Back inside, The Barbarian beats on Shelton. The YETAAAY holds up Shelton, who escapes, and gets booted off of the apron by his partner. Shelton tags as TatR is in and hits a snap suplex before locking on the IrriTatR for the win. TatR & Shelton celebrate but that comes to an end as the Educated Negro Ensemble comes out to the ring:

Night: Let’s give it up for TatR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

FunkDoc: The man who sold out his country………

X-Man: To portray a shrimp-loving cowboy………….

“Distinguished” Devin Harris: From the United Kingdom. Now, for all of you natives, did you parents or primary school educators tell you tales of your ancestors grilling shrimp on the Ponderosa? Is that a customary tradition in this country. Because for this man (Points at TatR) posed as that person to a country filled with those afraid of education, much like you are all afraid of scrubbing your incisors (laughs to himself).

Night: Lucky for you, TatR, I am not in this tournament

FunkDoc: But I am

X-Man: And do you know what else is unlucky for you TatR?

DDH: I am in that tournament field as well. And shall we cross paths I will destroy you like American big businesses have destroyed our domestic manufacturing jobs. 

(They leave as TatR & Shelton are once again harassed by the educated foursome).

 

 

Lets hurry backstage as Wade Michael Meltzer has found Jobber, who is apparently on his way back to the airport:

Wade: Jobber, are you leaving already

Jobber: Wade, I like you so I’ll shoot straight: I have a title shot coming up. However, it is unclear what type of title match will happen at BoD Survivor Series, if one does at all. I am not working a 5 vs. 5 match. I’ll gladly split my money with the Job Mob, who are currently back home waiting in the luxury box as the Warriors take on the Pistons, but with four other guys, I do not think so. 

Wade: So, what is the title match at BoD Survivor Series?

Jobber: Here is a scoop Dave, there is no title match. And for that, I am out. I get 30% of the gate in my matches and the fans want to see me in well-pushed singles matches. I’m not having my payday suffer for a dated tradition. 

Wade: Last question: Nakamura or Styles?

Jobber: I’m a Kyle O’Reilly guy, Wade. Now, my jet is waiting for me, as per my contract. 

Wade: But what is the main event?

Jobber: Its the BoD Survivor Series, Wade. That’s my teaser but you’ll find out tonight.

 

 

Kaptain Kiwi is in the ring. He has something to say:

“Last month, Biff Kensington lied to myself. More importantly, he lied to Sir Tony Garea and his dear brother Johnny. He made a fake contract that said he bought out Anchor Cheese. And he knew that Tony would take the bait as he would never let his dear brother Johnny suffer. But, since Biff wasn’t serious with the offer, he left the company in ruins. Biff gave the original buyer a sweetheart deal to never return. Now, a new buyer has Anchor Cheese but they are looking for a sponsor and I plan to remain in that role-“

(The song “Virtual Insanity” interrupts as DBSM and the C-List Posse come out)

DBSM: Kaptain Kiwi, did I just hear that you are hoping to retain your endorsement deal with Anchor Cheese, the finest canned processed cheddar in the world? Well, I talked with CEO and he likes what I had to offer. You see, (motions towards the C-List Posse) I bring other well-known celebrities to the table, not two faded New Zealanders.

Kiwi: DONT YOU DARE BESMIRCH THE GAREA NAME

DBSM: Stop making me laugh. The family is an embarrassment on two continents and now a third. And you do not have anything that can match what I have to offer. The Posse is back and on board as we are going straight to the top. And if you try to step in my way, you will be taken down. (DBSM and the C-List Posse leave as Kiwi gives him the Garea stare).

 

 

Before heading to England, Stranger in the Alps visited the local elementary school to speak with the 5th grade class as part of the BoD Kinda, Sorta Cares Foundation:

Teacher: Class, your fellow classmates, Jimby and Mr. Statan Jr., have written to the BoD We Kinda, Sorta Care Foundation and today I welcome you, Stranger in the Alps

Stranger: Hello, children. Say, is this bring your grandmother to school day (looks around at a vast array of old women) And why do they outnumber the students 3:1? Anyway, kids what is the most important thing?

Mr. Statan Jr.: Having fun. 

Stranger: Unfortunately, no. 

Jimby: Being honest 

Stranger: Yes, but more than that……………….anyone……………its Synergy

Mr. Statan Jr.: But what is synergy, Stranger?

Stranger I am glad you asked, Mr. Statan. Lucky for you, and everyone else, I have a Powerpoint presentation that ties it all together. 

(We are shown a montage, set to the tune of “We Can Build These Dreams Together,” as Stranger teaches them all about corporate buzzwords)

Stranger: Now class, what have we learned today?

Mr. Statan: How to promote ourselves on a multimedia platform

Jimby: To handle the market and achieve sustainability

Stranger: Very good. I am so proud of all of you. 

Mr. Statan: Stranger, I made you this. (Hands Stranger a workflow chart)

Stranger: Wow, I can now streamline War Bus while promoting synergy with my website and the oven where the donairs are made. I do not know what to say (Scene ends with closeup of a single tear coming out of Stranger’s eye while Generic 80’s Sax Solo #2 is playing)

 

 

 

BoD Tag Team #1 Contender’s Tournament First Round Match: The Upvoters vs. Rockstar Gary & Big D Wangston

The Upvoters, Kenny Reigns and Danimal Crossing, are shaking hands with the fans as they head down the aisle. Regarding their opponents, they were last scene at the nearest pub and not at the arena today. Hold on, they are both stumbling around the aisle as Big D stops to pull out a flask and drinks what is left before passing out. Rockstar Gary heads into the ring and manages to roll in as the bell rings. Big D is out cold as Gary stands on the apron, oblivious to the fact his partner is not with him as he cheers for him to “kick ass.” The referee starts to count to ten as Gary falls off of the apron and the Upvoters win by countout. They then leave and slap hands with the fans at ringside before leaving as they are going to the next round.

 

 

Lets look back into the BBQ Truck to check in on the Men with Macklin:

Marv: Mears, you drive on the left side of the road in England. 

Mears: I’m all set. I like my way better (Mears pulls out and drives on the right side of the road as chaos ensues).

Duck: (Looking at photos of ring attire from England wrestlers) I like the ring jackets. Good touch. 

Marv: That is fantastic. 

Duck: It really is you know. I like William Regal’s. 

Mears: Is this a parking spot (It isn’t)? Looks like one to me. (They are in front of Buckingham Palace). Anyone know where we are? (In front of Buckingham Palace)

Duck: No

Marv: Oh god, no. 

Mears: I’ll ask for directions. (Sees a guard) How do you get back to the stadium. (Guard does not talk) Oh, let me ask again (proceeds to kick guard then hit him with a stunner). That’s what I thought. (Gets back into the car) Let’s go back to uh, where ever we were a few minutes ago.  (Mears pulls out and nearly causes an accident). 

 

 

And the man who puts the Macklin in “Men with Macklin,” Art Macklin was left stateside this week. Lets check on how he is doing:

(We are shown a montage of Macklin’s past few weeks, with him stealing the show at a coffee house with his Garrison Kellior impression and then running across the street to make a cranberry apple chutney to go with a statler chicken as the restaurant was busy. He is such a wordly man. He is now walking down a farm road).

Art: (His inner dialogue): How can I get them to actually wrestle? I think Mears might hear me but confuses me for a fan belt. I do not get it but maybe its the booze talking. Does half of the BoD have a drinking problem?

(All of a sudden, a car comes flying down the street. It skids out and nearly hits Art, who falls down the side of the road, down the hill. Art is out cold but no one is around)

WHAT WILL HAPPEN TO ART!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

 

Breaking News: A traditional 5 vs. 5 Survivor Series match has been named. Here are the teams:

Kaptain Kiwi & Biscuit & Mister E Mahn & Logan Scisco & Ioan Morris vs. DBSM & “Happening” Harry Broadhurst & PrimeTime Ten & “Marvelous” Matt Perri & Kyle Conner

 

 

Back to the ring as the European HUSS Section is going out of control. Folks from HUSSland, HUSStonia, HUSStaly, HUSStugal, HUSSia, HUSSterland, and other countries are here. The Berzerker comes out as Biff Kensington & Curtis Williams corral him in for their match.

 

 

Curtzerker & Steve Ferrari vs. Andy PG & Matthew Maynard Adams & Robert Davis

Ferrari grabs the mic before the match:

“Listen up you limey, hackneyed, British garbage. I will have to clean up all of your mistakes as you are the second most pathetic city, with the lone exception being Pittsfield, MA. Now, watch me win this match.”

And this begins as a pier-six brawl. The action goes all over the place as the fans are going wild. Ferrari and Davis are in the stands as the Berzerker is HUSSING along with the crowd…………………..until Andy decks him with a chair. This is nuts as Williams and Adams are on the balcony, brawling near the edge.  Wait just a minute, Hoss and Tommy Hall are in the stands and they attack Adams. They are now trying to toss Adams off and through a table, 15 feet below! Adams goes to fight off but outta nowhere is Bill Ray, who has a vendetta with the entire Kensington Enteprises as they laid him out for not selling out to join them while he was the C-List Champion. Back near the ring, Biff maces Andy PG!!!!!!!!!!! He is down as Curtzerker and Ferrari run to the balcony. They are brawling as Andy still tries to fight through the mace. Everyone is in the balcony as the lights go off and they appear as we see………………..ARCHIE STACKHOUSE!!!!!! He is not allowed to leave the United States. Stackhouse grabs Williams around the neck and chokeslams him through the table!!!!! Kensington Enterprises retreats as Stackhouse stands tall with the rest. We are out of time!!!!!!!!!!!