BoD Hell in a Cell

This has nothing to do with the WWE

 

Alexandre Daigle Jersey on a Poll Match: Canadian Dream Mister E Mahn w/ Cuppie vs. “Pride of Canada” PrimeTime Ten

Listen to the Canadian Dream’s entrance music:

He’s the Canaaaaaaadian Dream!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Never drinks his coffee  with creaaaaaaaaam!!!!!!!!

Drinks a lot maple whiskey

His cabin contains many liters

Never ran a mile

Just 1,609.344 meters

Cuz he is the Canaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaadian Dream!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Argonauts are his faaaaaaaaaaaavorite football team!!!!!!!!!

 

Cuppie is even dancing up a storm! The rules of the match are as follows: You have to climb up the poll then put the jersey on your opponent to be declared the winner. PTT tries to attack Mahn from behind but that fails as the Canadian Dream starts hammering away. Mahn hits a backdrop then does the Moncton Macarena as the fans go wild! GIT DOWN…………….eh? PTT swings and misses as Mahn hits an atomic drop that sends PTT over the top rope.  Mahn slides out but PTT gets a thumb to the eye then sends Mahn into the post. Cuppie puts his hands over his face while PTT nearly kicks him in the cup. PTT starts to climb up top as points and yells at Mahn, stating he is Alexandre Daigle. PTT almost grabs the jersey but Mahn meets him up top and takes him down. Mahn tries an elbow drop but crashes and burns as both men are down. PTT is up first and starts kicking away. He tries to go back up top but Mahn grabs his leg and eventually yanks him down. Mahn slowly gets up and he climbs the ropes. PTT shakes off the cobwebs and tries to climb after him. Mahn is almost at the jersey but PTT hits him low. Cuppie sees this and has had enough as he goes over to break it up but PTT boots Cuppie right in the face. Ouch!! PTT now has the jersey and he tries to put it on Mahn, who fights back. PTT tries a sliding clothesline but Mahn grabs his arm and turns it into a cross armbreaker as PTT is screaming. Mahn breaks then grabs the jersey of the man PTT has been unfairly comparing him to for the past few months. Mahn gets the jersey as PTT clutches his injured arm then Mahn puts the jersey over his head. PTT freaks out and tries to run away but gets five costumed-fingers to the face courtesy of Cuppie. Mahn then hits the Metric Elbow and puts the arms of PTT through the jersey and gets the win!!!!!!!!!! Cuppie is dancing and the Canadian Dream is now doing the Winnipeg Waltz. Oh my!!!!!

 

 

Earlier this week, dumbfuck GM Bobby Bayless booked half of the roster for a spooky hayride. Lets see what took place:

We are in a field in Mississippi were we see the BoD Stars volunteer at the Hayride:

 

Educated Negro Ensemble are handed their script for the evening:

Night: (Tosses script in the trash) I will not have my intelligence insulted by partaking in another Bobby Bayless misrepresentation. Vanilla pudding and Kit Kat bars are not eaten by Skeletor on Halloween

FunkDoc: Why don’t you recycle this trash. Oh wait, we are in Mississippi, so that does not exist. 

X-Man: What does exist is poverty and blame…………..misplaced blame. 

Distinguished Devin Harris: Instead of decaying the remaining enamel in these children’s canines and premolars, how about we instead take them inside of a library with books so they can learn or have those taxes been cut and paid by the poor so the rich can create a new tax maze to prosper even more, creating a new tab for the middle class to pick up!

 

The BBQ Truck is in the way and asked to move: 

Mears: (Hears a knock) Who is there. 

Worker: Excuse me but you need to move the truck as you are blocking the route.

Mears: The truck is broken. The fan belt has a Californian accent. Here, let me start it up. 

Worker (confused and angry) Listen, its angry and cold and someone stole my X Box 360 from the double wide so I would appreciate if- (Mears kicks him in the gut and hits a stunner as the worker’s rat tail flies in the air). 

Mears: I fixed the fanbelt. I think. (Cracks open a beer)

Duck: Where is the Crestling?

Marv: I am sick and left it with Edna. What do you think I am? An animal?

Duck: Not at all. Do you eat the skin of your clementines?

Marv: Its packed with nutrients. 

Duck: I know, I might design some orange tights with white and black designs. 

Marv: That sounds great but I just want to see some baseball ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

 

The hayride finally begins

Children are getting spooked and scared and at the end, instead of Jason with a chainsaw, we see the Berzerker, screaming HUSS! coming from the mist

 

Back to the show as the HUSS section is in full effect as Curtzerker heads out to the ring. The Berzerker goes over to the section because those are his people. Biff Kensington III and Curtis Williams bring him over to the ring where Extant1979 has the mic:

“I want to take this time to address you borderline literate, comma-happy, barely able to form a sentence morons. Why dont you shut your mouths to see what a real editor looks like then head back to Pittsfield where you belong!”

 

 

Curtzerker & Extant1979 & “The Machine” Tommy Hall vs. Strike Force & Biscuit & Ioan Morris

Here is an eight-man tag that can main event any blog in the universe. Strike Force work over Hall, sporting a Brian Daubach jersey from his “Designated Hitters of the Late 1990’s” collection,  to start. Biscuit tags and takes him down with a Fireman’s Carry as he is hungover from watching the Royals take the World Series last night. Rumor has it he set off firecrackers in George Brett’s mailbox along with Jeff Reardon and Kent Hrbek after the game. Williams knees Biscuit from the apron then Extant tags and starts choking out the Midwestern Mauler. Biscuit fights back and makes the tag to the caffeinated Mar Solo, who hits everyone with flying forearms. The HUSS section starts getting rowdy as The Berzerker makes his way over to them . BKIII orders him back on the apron as the crowd boos. The match now breaks down as Extant grabs some brass knux from BKIII and hits Biscuit in the face!!!!! He goes for the cover but out from the stands comes someone in a hood. He goes right after BKIII then unmasks to reveal himself as………………………….BILL RAY!!!!!!!! He yells at him for getting attacked and losing the C-List title as he is in the ring beating on Williams as the ref rings the bell. Morris checks on Biscuit, who is loopy from the shot to the head.

 

 

Spotlight! Second spotlight! There they are, the Future Kings! Petuka takes a breath, raises his head and points…bang! The banner is unfurled! “BODMania III….starring John Petuka” HE POINTS TO THE SIGN!! He nods to Peyton, who points…smaller banner! “with Peyton_Drinking”. The Future Kings make their way to the ring!

There’s the music of Kbjone! He comes out holding his chair, which has a face painted on it, with trunks stretched around the seat and knee pads on the legs. That chair is ready for action! Petuka looks nervous, but resolute.

 

 

John Petuka and Peyton_Drinking vs Kbjone and his chair

Peyton gets in the ring to start. Kbjone sets the chair on the apron and whispers to it…perhaps he’s talking strategy with it? Kbjone nods his head in agreement, and he’s going to start the match. They circle, and Peyton gets a headlock. Kbjone shoots him off the ropes, Peyton runs him over with a shoulderblock. Peyton celebrates and Petuka claps on the apron. Kbjone claps as well, big smile on his face. They lock up again, this time it’s Kbjone with the headlock takeover. He rides Peyton down and takes control. Gets on top and wraps up Peyton’s legs in a stepover toehold, bridge! Again! Peyton rolls over and scrambles to the corner, tag to Petuka. Kbjone stares for a moment and goes to his corner….tag to the chair! This might get interesting. Kb sets the chair up near the corner and gestures to Petuka. “Be careful, John! He’s tough!” Petuka slowly approaches the chair in the corner, kbjone egging him on. Petuka pauses and goes back to his corner and tags Peyton back in. Peyton looks at him skeptically, and charges the corner; kbjone tags the chair! He vaults in over the top rope and fires lefts and rights at Peyton, sending him to the buckles. He picks up the chair. “DOUBLETEAM!” he shouts and smashes Peyton with the chair in the corner! The referee doesn’t know what to do, so he starts a 5 count. Kbjone puts the chair back up on the apron and smiles at the ref. He brings Peyton out and suplexes him. Tag back to the chair? He brings the chair back in and sets it up, DDT through the chair! Kbjone puts the chair on top of Peyton and gets back on the apron, the ref shrugs and counts, 1,2, no! Oh no, the kickout sent the chair across the ring! It’s helpless! Peyton stirs and sees Kbjone on the apron, screaming encouragement to the chair. Peyton shakes his head loose, and goes over to the chair, a smile slowly beginning to form. He snapmares the chair and drops an elbow on the chair. He sets the damaged chair up to a sitting position, off the ropes, shining wizard to the chair by Peyton! He gives Kbjone a big grin in the corner and covers the chair. 1,2, Kbjone in with the save! He tries to drag the chair closer to the corner, but the referee escorts him to the apron. Peyton is gaining confidence now. Petuka is shaking his head on the apron at this spectacle. Peyton folds up the chair, piledriver to the chair! He taunts kbjone on the apron, who looks distraught. Peyton goes to the top rope, sets up for a big elbow….kbjone shakes the ropes! Peyton crotches himself! Kbjone is bouncing up and down on the apron, he wants the tag! From the chair! Peyton crawls to the corner, where Petuka is reluctant….but he takes the tag. He comes in and stares at the chair, kbjone screaming at him not to hurt the chair, but Petuka grimly loads up the chair….PETUKA BAZOOKA! He looks down at the chair and over at Kbjone, who’s yelling at the chair and John. Petuka has a look in his eyes; what’s going on? He drops down for the cover…wait! He rolls the chair over…that’s a small package by the chair! 1,2,3!! Kbjone and the chair win! Petuka gets up and stares over at Kbjone. “It’s over!” Petuka leaves the ring, Peyton injured and staggering after him while kbjone celebrates in the ring with the chair!

 

 

Lets hear some more about the BoD Network from our friend, Stranger in the Alps:

Director: Lets stick to the script this time. 

Stranger: Whatever you say. (Proceeds to rub a glue stick on the paper and press it on his face). 

Director: I dont get paid enough for this

Stranger: Jimmy, you hear that? I wake up everyday saying the same thing. 

Jimmy the Agent: You do realize by not doing your duties you risk the chance of not getting paid at all. Don’t you?

Stranger: I’d rather give my worst enemy the last donair on the plate rather than recite this garbage. 

Jimmy the Agent: Without that garbage, you cannot afford to eat donairs. 

Stranger: My Papa John’s Deal more than pays for everything. 

Jimmy: I meant to tell you about that. 

Stranger: About what? I just spent $400 on B-Movies. 

Jimmy: Are they refundable? And do not make plans next Monday morning as you have to speak at the school as part of your BoD We Kinda, Sorta Care charity obligation. 

Stranger: Gimme me a minute so I can recite this script (peers out the window to see a light shining in from the distance). 

 

 

In the back, Wade Michael is with Jef Vinson and his lovely valet.

Wade: Jef, it’s almost time for you to step into the cell with Abeyance. It’s widely expected that this will be the last meeting for you two, and it’s been a long road to get here. Do you have any thoughts?

Vinson (Smiles at Wade and takes the mic): No.

Wade: Do you have any comment on the rumors that your high lifestyle may be coming to an end?

Vinson: What? (He grabs Wade by the lapels)

Wade:  Rumors have been flying backstage that due to your loss of the world title and subsequent failure to regain it from Kensington, coupled with your inability to challenge for any title after Wargames, that you are losing sponsors and spending money faster than you earn it. Did you in fact drive here in a Ford Focus instead of your normal limo-ack!

Vinson has a chokehold on Wade!

Vinson: You keep your nose out of my business if you know what’s good for you, you two-bit Lance Russell wannabe! I’m Jef Vinson, and I don’t care what you think. Tonight, I take care of business! And tomorrow, when I’m sunning myself on the Gulf of Mexico with my valet, I’ll laugh when I think about you in your two-bit Motel 6 room! Got it, Wade?

He shoves Wade down and turns toward the camera.

Vinson: Abeyance, tonight, your brush with Vinson….is over. Permanently.

 

 

Hell in a Cell Match: Jef Vinson vs Abeyance (Special referee AndyPG)

The Cell has been lowered, and here comes Abeyance! He looks determined and more focused than ever before. AndyPG is next to enter, and he goes to the corner immediately, pointedly not looking at Abeyance as Vinson’s music hits. Vinson approaches the cell, shaking it on the outside, and goes through the door, slamming it behind him. Staredown between Abeyance and Vinson as both former World Champs lock eyes. Andy comes out of the corner and checks them both, nods, and gestures. The bell rings and we’re underway! Neither Vinson nor Abeyance has moved, still staring at each other from across the ring. Finally, they slowly start walking towards one another, until they’re nose to nose. Andy stays back as the trashtalk begins….Vinson with a right hand! Abeyance with a right! They slug it out in the center of the ring and we’re off! Vinson gains control and shoots Abeyance off, big clothesline by Vinson puts Abeyance down. Vinson mounts Abeyance and is a house afire, lefts and rights as Andy still calmly watches, not stopping anything. He’s clearly going to let this one go. Vinson gets off Abeyance and looks to be targeting the arm. He wrings it out and goes to work with elbows and sends him to the floor. Abeyance tries to shake off the arm, but Vinson pursues. Vinson charges but Abeyance kicks him in the midsection and sends him to the steel steps. Andy still has barely moved in the ring, just watching. Abeyance in control. He sends Vinson to the cell from the steps and continues to shake out the arm. He grabs Vinson and rubs his face into the cell, and Vinson is busted open. Abeyance tosses him back into the ring and covers, 1,2, no. Abeyance suplexes Vinson and goes up…moonsault misses! Vinson feels the blood on his face and smiles. He picks Abeyance up and sends him to the corner. Running knee to Abeyance’s jaw! He lays in kicks, 1,2,3,4,5,10 kicks in the corner! Abeyance staggers and collapses under Vinson’s onslaught. “You wanna make me bleed, Abeyance? Allow me to return the favor!” He goes to the outside and gets a chair, winds up, chairshot to Abeyance’s face! Abeyance goes down, but Vinson doesn’t cover.

He tosses Abeyance to the outside and goes underneath the ring….he’s got bolt cutters! He rubs Abeyance’s face into the cell, grating it until Abeyance’s forehead is a bloody road map. He takes the cutters and snips away parts of the cell…he bends the snipped parts inward and shoves Abeyance’s face into the exposed sharpened bits! Abeyance howls in pain as the spiked edges of the cage are driven into his forehead! Abeyance is a bloody mess as he falls to the ground and Vinson poses for the crowd. He turns towards Andy. “You like that, PG? Huh?” He tosses Abeyance back into the ring. DDT by Jef Vinson and Abeyance is rapidly losing blood. He gets on top and points at Andy. “Count it!” AndyPG with the count…1,2, NO! Abeyance kicked out! Vinson swears and goes under the ring again. He drags out a table and sets it up in the ring. Abeyance hasn’t moved. Vinson puts Abeyance on the table and goes to the top rope, frog splash through the table! Vinson looks down at him and stomps him. AndyPG tells Vinson to cover him. Vinson “Go to Hell, Andy!” He picks Abeyance up, piledriver! Cover, 1,2, Vinson pulls him up! “I’m not done yet!” Now Andy is looking extremely uncomfortable as Vinson loads Abeyance up and powerbombs him. Again!

Vinson still refuses to cover. He goes out and finds the bolt cutters; what does he have planned? He takes the bolt cutters and INSERTS THEM INTO ABEYANCE’S FOREHEAD CUT! He pulls them and widens the cut as blood pours out! AndyPG has had enough! He takes the bolt cutters away from Vinson and tosses them away! “Just end it, Jef!” Vinson gets up with a maniacal look in his eyes! He levels AndyPG! “It’s over when I SAY IT’S OVER!” He drops elbows on Abeyance as the crowd is horrified by the carnage. Andy is down as Vinson tosses chairs out from underneath the ring. Vinson has lost it. He chucks chairs at a prone Abeyance in the ring, clanging one off his forehead which is pouring out blood. Vinson takes a chair to the top rope, flying splash with the chair misses! Abeyance rolled out of the way! The chair hits the mat and bounces into Vinson’s face! Vinson’s nose looks to be broken! Vinson staggers to his feet as Abeyance lays face down on the mat, but falls over. He gets back to his feet as Abeyance is finally stirring to a crawling position, Vinson fires kicks into the side of Abeyance and sets him up on the top rope. Superplex by Vinson onto the chairs in the ring! He crawls over for a cover, but AndyPG is still down. He slaps the mat 3 times, but there’s not a ref to count it.

Vinson staggers to his feet and looks to the crowd, sick smile on his face. He goes over to his jacket and produces a set of handcuffs. Abeyance is barely stirring as Jef slowly walks towards him….but from behind, it’s AndyPG! Superkick to the back of Vinson’s head! Vinson goes down! He shakes his head and turns towards Andy, who’s standing and staring at Vinson. Vinson chuckles and gets to his knees. “What are you doing, Andy?” Andy grimly stares at Jef and responds.

“Making the right choice.”

AndyPG levels Vinson with a roundhouse kick to the head! Vinson goes down, smile still on his face! He staggers back to his knees as Andy winds up….another kick to the head by Andy! AndyPG looks down with regret at the prone Jef Vinson as Abeyance stirs to his feet and stares at Andy, who nods at him and gets Vinson up, brainbuster! He stands Vinson up, comes off the ropes….Welcome to the BOD Elbow by Abeyance! AndyPG looks sickened but determined as Abeyance drops down into a cover. 1,2, NO! Vinson kicked out! Abeyance looks over at Andy, who nods. “Finish it.” Vinson is wearing the crimson mask as Abeyance sets up four chairs in the ring and sets Vinson on the top rope….Michinoku driver off the top rope through the chairs by Abeyance! Cover, 1,2, 3!! Abeyance wins! Andy raises his arm and Abeyance almost immediately collapses to the mat, lying prone next to Vinson as both of them are out. The cell is raised as medical staff are in to work on the wrestlers, while AndyPG leans up against the turnbuckles for support, not taking his eyes off of Abeyance or Vinson, both of whom are not moving. Finally, he hops down from the ring with tears in his eyes and slowly walks towards the back while Vinson and Abeyance are loaded onto stretchers; it’ll be surprising if they’re ever the same again after this match.

Wade Michael catches up with AndyPG at the top of the ramp.

Wade: Andy, that was brutal to watch. Do you have any thoughts at all about what happened in there? Why did you kick Vinson?

Andy turns towards Wade.

AndyPG: Sometimes it all goes too far, Wade. (He looks back towards the ring, where the stretchers have started wheeling towards the back) Everyone lost tonight.

Andy walks away from Wade, head down and tears flowing as the stretchers are loaded into waiting ambulances. He takes off his ref shirt and chucks it towards the crowd, bloodstains and all, and disappears behind the curtain.

 

 

Lets now look at this breaking news which took place earlier today behind the Pump n’ Pantry, shot on an iPhone 4 as new BoD U.S. Six Man Tag Titles were crowned.

Justice Gray: After Jobber, who was not here tonight because we are running in what he considered a “shit” town, bribed Bobby Bayless with a whoopie cushion and basket of Sour Patch Kids, I name you, the Job Mob the inaugural BoD U.S. Six Man Tag Champions. Do you have anything to say?

Sexy Tanahashi: Nope (Grabs all three belts as Stuart Chartock and Four follow him as they leave)

 

 

And now, let’s look at the 16 Team Tournament to crown the #1 Contenders for the BoD Tag Team Titles. Tourney action begins next week:

 

Strike Force
Camp Cleveland
Drivers
RIPSHIT KILLERS
Beard Money & Jose Gomez
Kyle Warne & Cabs
DDH & FunkDoc
Hart Killer & Joe Dust
The Upvoters (Danimal & Kenny Reigns)
Macklin & ???
Herb Kunzes
Dr Facts & Ioan Morris
Tatr & Shelton
Oprah Noodlemantra & Travis Banks
Fat Otters
Rockstar Gary & Big D Wangston

 

Also, Kaptain Kiwi address the BoD over the actions that took place at the end of the BoD Wargames match. Plus, while chauffering around Bobby and Hilda for Halloween, Brian Bayless will be with his dumbfuck cousin as they sit in the writer’s meeting.

 

 

Matthew Maynard Adams is in the back and he turns towards the camera, looking at it curiously:

“Forget yesterday, forget that other world, forget the past. Tonight, the future brings….judgement.” The World title match is next!

 

 

BOD World Heavyweight Title – Matthew Maynard Adams vs Hoss

Hoss is led to the ring by Biff, without the rest of Kensington Enterprises. Biff has his bodyguards with him, on the lookout for Robert Davis. Adams and Hoss circle each other in the ring, both of them cautious to start this match. Lockup, and Hoss gets shoved off the ropes, shoulderblock doesn’t move Adams! Adams off the ropes, shoulderblock doesn’t move Hoss! They lockup again, this time Hoss with a go-behind and a wristlock. Adams backs him into the corner and frees himself with elbows. Cross-corner whip by Adams, splash in the corner misses. Hoss in control. Lefts and rights back Adams up, but he’s not feeling them very much as Hoss is admittedly confused about how to hurt Adams at this point. Irish whip by Hoss is reversed, and a clothesline by Adams sends Hoss to the outside!

Hoss slams the mat as Adams pursues him on the outside. Hoss turns and charges Adams, but Adams ducks and the clothesline hits the post! Now Hoss looks ready to take over. Hoss slams Matthew’s arm into the post again, then the steps. He grabs the arm and rakes it across the cell and knocks Adams down with a clothesline. Biff is celebrating on the outside as Hoss tosses Adams back in. Hoss applies a keylock to Adams. Adams is in pain, but still won’t make a sound. He grimaces in determination as Hoss really wrenches in the keylock, and starts to get to his feet, but Hoss grabs him by the hair and slams him back to the mat. Stomp to the injured arm! Again! Wristlock takeover by Hoss into an armbar, but Adams isn’t giving an inch. He fights up again, ducks underneath Hoss’ attempt to grab his hair and gets a fireman’s carry takeover. Hoss gets back to his feet, but charges and Adams gets a drop toehold. Adams shakes out his arm and uses the other to wrap up the knee and slam it to the mat, and now Hoss is in trouble.

Adams goes to work on the knee with stomps. He wraps him up with a kneebar! Hoss fights out by kicking the injured arm, so Adams goes back to the corner and comes out with a kneedrop. He tries to slam Hoss, but the arm is gone and Hoss wiggles out and gets a German suplex to put both wrestlers down. Hoss gets back to his feet and shakes out his knee. He roars and drops a big leg on Adams. Elbow by Hoss. Hoss goes to the second rope and drops an elbow….misses! Adams gets back up, flatliner by Adams on Hoss! Adams gets a uranage on Hoss and covers, 1,2, no. He tosses Hoss to the outside and sends him to the post! And Hoss is busted open! Hoss gets sent to the cell as Biff screams on the outside. Adams gets a Russian legsweep and slowly gets to his feet. “Judgement.” He hoists up the world champ….Adamsmasher! 1,2, the lights go out!!!

The lights come back on…and Kensington Enterprises is in the ring! They were hiding underneath the ring the whole time! They’re teeing off on Adams, who can’t fight them all off! Extant1979 and Curtzerker with a triple-team powerbomb on Adams! Hoss is staggering back to his feet as Biff yells at him and holds up a case of ice cream cartons; Hoss is revitalized! Kensington gets Adams up….Pants-shitter to Adams! 1,2, no! Hoss roars and gets him up again…2nd Pants-shitter! 1,2,3! Hoss retains!

After the match, Kensington puts the boots to Adams in the ring as Biff cheers him on, cackling at ringside….the lights go out again! They’re back on….it’s Robert Davis!!! He’s got Jughead with him on the ramp, but he’s not charging Biff for some reason, just standing there with a smile on his face, while Biff grabs a mic.

Biff: What are you going to do, Davis? Come after me and I’ll make sure you never see the light of d-

Wait! From behind, in the crowd….it’s ARCHIE STACKHOUSE!!! He’s behind the bodyguards! He sends them both to the cage! Biff turns around slowly as Robert laughs onstage while Kensington Enterprises tries to get out of the cell! Stackhouse gives chase as Biff takes off up the ramp…stopping dead in his tracks at the sight of Davis with Jughead, gesturing for Biff to keep coming! Biff swallows as Stackhouse grabs him from behind….Welcome to Riverdale Driver on the floor to Biff! Biff is out as Stackhouse stands over him and we go off the air. The man from Riverdale is back and he’s here for Biff Kensington!!

 

TUNE IN NEXT MONDAY NIGHT AT 10:35pm EST FOR BoD RAW