This has nothing to do with the WWE
Tonight, we’ve got a loaded show! The Future Kings will be in individual action tonight, taking on Abeyance and Jef Vinson! Matthew Maynard Adams takes on Extant1979 in a non-title match, and we’ll get an update on Hoss’ condition from Biff Kensington after Robert Davis’ attack last week. Will the world heavyweight champion be ready to compete at Hell in a Cell? What will Bobby Bayless do about the anarchy in the BOD? Can Brian Bayless bring his cousin around? Where has Rockstar Gary been? Who knows? All this and more, NOW, on BOD Raw!
That’s the music of Abeyance as he heads to the ring! We’ve been told that he and Vinson have had matches set up by AndyPG tonight; where is Andy’s head at?
Spotlight! Second spotlight! The Future Kings have appeared! Deep breaths…BANG! “BODMania III….starring John Petuka!” is unfurled! 2nd banner “with Peyton_Drinking!” THEY POINT TO THE SIGN!
Petuka pats Peyton on the back, and we’re ready for this match!
Peyton_Drinking vs Abeyance
They lockup, and Abeyance gets a side headlock. He cranks on it, and takes Peyton down with a drop toehold. Abeyance wraps up the legs, but Peyton makes the ropes. They lockup again, Irish whip by Peyton, reversal by Abeyance, shoulderblock by Peyton puts Abeyance down! Elbowdrop misses and Abeyance sends him to the corner. Splash in the corner by Abeyance. He sends him cross-corner, but Petuka trips Abeyance on the outside….ref saw that! He’s sending Petuka to the dressing room! Peyton takes over and works Abeyance’s arm with a wristlock. He puts him on the mat and drops a knee, wraps it up in a keylock. Abeyance gets to his feet with elbows and sends Peyton off the ropes, lariat by Abeyance. Suplex by Abeyance. Another. Abeyance means business tonight, he sends Peyton off the ropes….Welcome to the BOD elbow! No one is getting up from that. 1,2,3. Abeyance wins!
From the crowd, here’s kbjone! He grabs Peyton and hits a side Russian legsweep on the chair! Abeyance turns around and heads back to the ring, but kbjone is already gone, running through the crowd with his chair. Abeyance shrugs, but on the big screen, here’s Jef Vinson!
Vinson: Nice win, Abeyance. I mean that. How does it feel, knowing that in less than 3 weeks, I’m going to hurt you so badly that you’ll never get another one in the BOD? You shouldn’t have signed that contract last week, my friend; no matter what he says publicly, I KNOW that AndyPG is going to do the right thing. (His valet comes into the frame….from below) Well, I guess I’m ready, aren’t I? See you later tonight, BOD. Your brush with Vinson….is over!
Abeyance stares in the ring, hatred in his eyes as he poses on the turnbuckles, as Vinson laughs before the screen cuts to black.
Outside of the building, Brian Bayless is with Justice Gray, Rockstar Gary, and Big D Wangston:
Brian: Justice, I have to go with Bobby to pick up his friends for the bachelor party.
Justice: Alright, what does that mean for me?
Brian: I need you to takeover as GM of the show tonight. There is no one else I can ask (Rockstar Gary and Big D are fighting over the last drop of Ron Roberto rum in the background).
Justice: No problem. I can easily handle it.
(Bobby pulls up in the Hamburglar car, complete with the costume, as the guys appeared even more shocked than usual for the dumb fuck’s arrival).
Justice: Okay, I gotta get to work. (Justice smiles as he heads back inside while Gary and Big D finally stopped fighting……………because they are drunk and passed out).
Brian: Bobby? Where did you get this car.
Bobby: Hey, pal! Jobber gave it to me! Isn’t it great? (honks the horn to the tune of Curly’s sound effects from Three Stooges).
Brian: Bobby, you can only fit two people in the car. We have to pick up YOUR friends.
Bobby: What do you mean? We aren’t cruiserweight so you better train if you want to pick us up. HA HA HA HA HA !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Brian: Jesus Christ, Bobby. You can pick up three guys and a mascot in a two-seat car.
Bobby: Then why didn’t you say we were driving them? I would have rented a van!
Brian: Guess we are going to have to now.
Bobby: I’ll call Fast Eddie and have him get us one.
Brian: How about I just call a service?
Bobby: I thought we were getting a van?
Brian: (lowers head and shakes it in shame. All of a sudden, a Tesla pulls up and out comes Jobber)
Jobber: Bobby, glad to see you liked the car
Bobby: Hey Jobber! The car is great. Even Hilda can fit in the seat!
Jobber: That’s great news.
Brian: (To Jobber) I thought that the Job Mob were coming tonight?
Jobber: Had to give them the night off. They are busy.
Brian: I bet they are.
Jobber: Hey Bobby, I know a guy at the waterpark. He said for 30% of the next Garden house show gate, he can let you rent it for the whole day.
Bobby: (Excited) Wow! Can I bring my pal Jimmy? He’s a jokester!
Jobber: You can bring Hilda too. I’d like to see that, actually.
Bobby: HA HA HA, me too!
Jobber (whispering to Brian) He has no fucking clue.
(Jobber walks away as Brian stares him down, seemingly thinking of what Jobber just said).
We’re in the back with Wade Michael and Biff Kensington.
Wade: Biff, can you give us an update on Hoss and his condition?
Biff: As a matter of fact, I can. Give me the mic, you two-bit Okerlund! Hoss has been recuperating from the actions of that terrorist Robert Davis for the last week, and his rehab involves plenty of ice cream and the finest doctors that money can buy! (He looks down at the mic) Why am I holding my own microphone? You have one job, you idiot!
Wade: You told me to-
Biff: Shut up and hold this for me. Robert Davis, I’m sick of this. I have a restraining order, Robert Davis! You come within 20 feet of me, and I’ll see you thrown in a hole so deep that you’ll never get out of it! As for you, Adams, tonight Extant is going to show you why he’s an A+ player and the champion, and if you can walk after he’s done with you, Hoss will finish the job at Hell in a Cell! We’re done here.(Biff stalks off.)
In the ring stands the “Pride of Canada,” Prime Time Ten. Lets hear what he has to say:
“At BoD Night of Champions, I proved myself to be Wayne Gretzky while the Mister E Mahn proved himself to be Alexandre Daigle. He ruined that 1993 Four-Sport pack of cards for everyone and I ruined him and is silly mascot! Now, say it with me: CA-NA-DA, CA-NA-DA, CA-NA-DA (Fans mostly boo while PTT starts doing a lot of hickey goal scoring celebrations.”
Out comes his opponent for the evening, “Pistol” Pete Labozetta
Prime Time Ten vs. “Pistol” Pete Labozetta
PTT backs Labozetta into the corner. He lays in some chops before tossing him outside. PTT tosses Labozetta to the floor as he follows out and tosses him into the barricade. Back inside, PTT hits a clothesline before applying a chinlock. PTT is yelling “Hat Trick for Gretzky” as he releases the hold then delivers three kicks to the ribs of Labozetta. PTT heads up top but all of a sudden the music hits:
Its the Canaaaaaaadian Dream!!!!!!!!!!!!
He’s not a common man
Because he is Canadian
If he was American
He’d be a common man
PTT is outraged as Cuppie, the dancin’ Stanley Cup Mascot comes out. PTT finally pays attention to his opponent and bounces off of the ropes but gets tripped up. He looks outside and as that happens, Labozetta hits him from behind with a reverse rollup for the win!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! PTT is furious as he has been upset by the Pistol! And wait a damn second, crawling from underneath the ring comes Mister E Mahn as he dances with Cuppie. PTT is going out of his mind.
Back in the locker room, we’re with AndyPG.
Andy: Last week, I made it clear that I wasn’t going to take sides in this war I want nothing to do with. From here on in, AndyPG is going to do something he’s never done, and that’s worry about himself! I’m setting my sights on the BOD Royal Rumble, and I plan to win it and go to BODMania and take care of Hoss myself!
(Extant walks over, chuckling and putting hand on AndyPG’s shoulder).
Extant: You know, Andy, I’ve always liked you. (Chuckling) But you think you’re going to win the Royal Rumble? I’ll tell you what; I bet you don’t even make the final 4! You think you’d have a chance against Hoss; let me tell you something, my friend. You wouldn’t even have a chance against me! After all, I’m the A+ player of the BOD, and when I win the Royal Rumble, myself and Hoss are going to main event BODMania III in a gentleman’s contest, where I’ll unify the titles and keep them where they belong…in Kensington Enterprises!
Andy: You’ve got a lot to say for someone who knows that he doesn’t have to defend that title against me, Extant.
Extant: (Smiling) Alright, you’ve got a point there, you little shaver! I’ll tell you what I’m going to do; I think you got a raw deal when you trusted Vinson. I mean, it showed your inherent stupidity to trust him in the first place, but what can you do? So I’ll be a true and fighting champion; remember when I said that you wouldn’t make the final 4 of the Rumble? Well, since I know that I’ll be in the final 4, if you can somehow eliminate me before that happens, I’ll lift your ban and give you a title shot! How about that, AndyPG?
Andy: I don’t think you heard me; I plan to win the Rumble, Mr. A+ Player.
Extant: Whatever helps you sleep at night, Andy. Hope you enjoy watching me take out Adams tonight; after all, anything could happen, couldn’t it?
He laughs and walks away, AndyPG staring a hole in his back as he goes.
Out comes Justice Gray. He shows us the 16 teams that will be partaking in the Tag Team. And here they are:
Beard Money & Jose Gomez
Kyle Warne & Cabs
DDH & FunkDoc
Hart Killer & Joe Dust
Fuj & TBP
Macklin & ???
Dr Facts & Ioan Morris
Tatr & Shelton
Oprah Noodlemantra & Travis Banks
Rockstar Gary & Big D Wangston
Next week, the brackets will be announced.
Earlier this week, the BoD’s “We Kinda, Sorta Care Foundation” visited kids in the inner city school district of Chicago. And who else but the Educated Negro Ensemble to teach the children.
(Set in a fairly run-down classroom)
Teacher: Kids, here are some men who use the power of higher education, the Educated Negro Ensemble.
Night: Thank you, sir.
“Distinguished” Devin Harris: Children, how many of you do your homework on a regular basis.
(About half raise their hands)
DDH: I do not know what you are doing with your time that you cannot complete rudimentary assignments from the comforts of your abode. Because without an education, you will not get a job.
FunkDoc: I just graduated from college. And guess who do not get degrees? Class Clowns.
Night: Dancing Hillbillies
X-Man: Shrimp-loving cowboys from England
DDH: Nonsense! What a farce. Shrimp as a top export of the United Kingdom. What’s next, Malawi thrusts up to have the top GDP on the planet?
(Kids sit in shock as they have no clue about GDP)
Night: Besides employment, a degree from an accredited university can bring a wealth of culture to your lives.
FunkDoc: You can have a conversation that takes place outside of a BBQ truck without involving streaming devices.
X-Man: Realize the proper amount of coffee to consume on a daily basis.
DDH: And speak in more than one word answers.
DDH: Before we depart, let me leave you children with a message: There is more to life than what lies between this awful building so listen and learn to get out and realize that this guy (points at the teacher) is nothing more than someone who wants to mold and single you out as an easy-to-remember stereotype.
(The teacher looks worried as X-Man and Night escort him out of the classroom.)
We’re with Matthew Maynard Adams. He looks at the camera and says one word: “Judgment.” That match is next!
Matthew Maynard Adams vs Extant1979
Biff is ringside with Curtzerker on either side. Extant poses with his title and looks over at Adams, who calmly stares a hole in the A+ Player’s champ. They lockup and Adams shoves Extant down. Another lockup ends the same way, and the smartest man in the BOD rolls to the outside for some advice from Biff, while Adams just stands in the middle of the ring. Extant back in, and he avoids a lockup with a go-behind and standing side headlock. Adams attempts to send him off, but Extant hangs on and reverses to a wristlock and befuddles Adams by switching to a headlock again. Smart wrestling by Extant, and a chain sequence takes Adams down. Cloverleaf tieup as Extant points to his brain. Adams bridges out and Extant charges but takes a biiiig back bodydrop! Adams grabs him and gets a german suplex! Another! A third! Adams has gone full Lesnar! Extant rolls out of the ring again, but still Adams doesn’t give chase. Curtzerker gets up on the apron, but Adams completely ignores them and watches Extant on the floor, who looks a little more nervous than he was before. He gets back in the ring, rubbing his neck and looking at Biff, who gives him a calming motion with his hands. Extant circles while Adams remains in the center of the ring, and Extant attempts a sidekick, but Adams catches it and gets a dragonscrew legwhip! He drops elbows and picks him up, sending him to the corner, splash by Adams! He brings him out of the corner and sets him up for the Adamsmasher….but Curtzerker hits the ring and the ref has no choice but to call for the DQ. Kensington Enterprises puts the boots to Adams, but Robert Davis appears on the rampway! He heads straight for Biff, who runs through the crowd as Davis hits the ring with Jughead! Crowbar shots to Curtzerker! Crowbar shot to Extant! Kensington is down as Biff looks on from the crowd, terrified. Davis grabs a mic:
Davis: I recognize no laws, Biff Kensington. Just the laws of nature. And the law of nature says that the strong will cull the weak. Your culling is coming, Biff Kensington. The sooner you accept your fate, the better! Prepare to bleed. Prepare for hell to rain down upon you! Welcome…to the End.
Davis tosses the mic down and turns around….Adams grabs him! Adamsmasher to Robert Davis! Matthew Maynard Adams stands in the ring looking at all the bodies and stares at Biff. He picks up the mic.
Adams: Judgment will be rendered. In the Cell.
Biff looks on as Adams stands tall in the ring!
And now Kensington Enterprises presents: HOSSCABULARY
Hoss: I AM HOSS AND THIS IS YOUR WEEKLY INSTALLMENT OF HOSSCABULARY SO YOU CAN SPEAK LIKE ME
To think profoundly, and at length.
Hoss: (At the ice cream stand looking at the menu
Chet: (scared shitless) Are you ready to order.
Hoss: (Still looks over the menu then stops) I AM HOSSTEMPLATING. (Punches Chet in the face) AND NOW I AM NOT, HA HA HA. (Hoss wheels out all of the ice cream into the BKIII freezer truck as they drive away.
PAID FOR BY KENSINGTON ENTEPRISES
And now, Jobber is in the ring. Lets hear what he has to say:
Jobber: I know all of you are asking yourselves where I have been. You see, I am a star and when the angle and money aren’t right, I’m on the next flight. I’ve been sitting at the Job Mob Mansion with my crew, who are off tonight, and in-between pranking Barlow & Munson, smoking pot, and dealing Class B and C substances, I was left to wonder why am I not in the top storyline? And while being the number one contender, I decided to pass at the moment as the storyline and money was not right. So, when my standards have been met, I will return. Its not me who is robbing you, its the BoD. The quality has dipped here and its not me. I did not do that to you. The powers that be have and let me tell you this: When my, I mean your standards our met, you will see me every week. Thank you.
John Petuka and Peyton are in the back, Peyton with an ice pack on his head.
Petuka: Look, I told you that I can’t control him. We’ll take care of it at Hell in a Cell. Right now, I have to get ready for Vinson. (He turns to the camera) Vinson, you’ve faced it before. Hell, your valet has faced it before….get ready for the PETUKA BAZOOKA!!
(Petuka makes to leave, but Peyton stops him.)
Peyton: Look, man. I really have to stop getting hit with chairs. It’s messing with my head. Last week I took a plane home to Toledo! I live in Omaha, for God’s sake! (He eyes Petuka) There’s this part of me that thinks that you like kbjone doing all this stuff.
Petuka: Yeah, that’s why I signed us in a match with him, because I’m happy that he’s doing all this nonsense. Come on, man! We’re the Future Kings! I told you to stick with me and we’d go far. And we have! And even more greatness is waiting for us! At BODMania III, you’re going to watch me win the World Heavyweight Title, and it’s going to be the greatest moment of your career!
(Petuka leaves and Peyton watches him go, grimacing in pain as he reapplies the ice pack.)
And, lets head back to the BBQ Truck and check in on the Men With Macklin
Mears: I’m going to invent a running back analytic stat. Who was better at Illinois: Mikel Leshoure or Pierre Thomas
Marv: (Half-asleep and rocking the Crestling) Duck, have I been cunty since quitting smoking?
Duck: (Studying Billy Gunn tights) I dont think so
Macklin: (Enters) I bet you didnt even realize that I was gone. Or better yet, realized that I signed up for the Tag Team Tournament. Well, my family is waiting and yes they got my famous fruit cobbler and in a few weeks one of you will be my partner, even if it kills me. (Macklin leaves).
Marv: Christ, why is the baby crying?
Mears: Why the fuck does the fan belt have a Californian accent?
Danimalcrossing is in the ring, resplendent in Chicago Cubs gear.
Danimal: Now, I know that it’s not kosher to do this, but I want to call out one of the writers for a little conversation. Rick Poehling, are you back there?
(Rick walks out warily, wearing an Adam Wainwright jersey and a St. Louis Cardinals cap).
Rick: Yeah, what’s up? I don’t wrestle, so I’m not sure –
Danimal: Shut up. (He points at the baseball cap) That’s the problem, right there. I know why I’m not getting booked on these shows – it’s because you’re an arrogant, narcissistic, racist, douchebag prick!
(Rick looks up at his hat).
Rick: You mean I’m a Cardinals fan?
Danimal: Yeah, that’s the common definition.
Rick: Fuck off.
Danimal: Typical. Anyway, I’m about to bask in the glory of the Cubs going to the NLCS, and one of the things that I always wanted to do was commit physical violence towards a Cards fan.
Rick: I don’t really wrest-
Danimal: Shut up, you backwoods, bucktoothed Russo wannabe! You and me, next week, in this ring! What do you say?
Rick: Can’t I just be a part of the best fans in baseball without you having so much anger?
Danimal seethes and drops Rick with a right hand! His hat goes flying and Danimal catches it and spits on it, stomping it for good measure! “I don’t respect you, bookerman!” He poses to half boos and half cheers – what the hell just happened? Did we really just have a segment over two baseball teams that has no future on the show outside of next week? Isn’t that the definition of vanity booking by one of the writers who has way too big an opinion of himself? Will Danimal kill him next week?
Now, lets head back up to the Alps and hear all about the BoD Network.
Director: Since you were off last week, lets film this now
Stranger: Not my fault Bobby Bayless thinks there are 42 weeks in a year you know. Maybe I can help you streamline him a calendar.
Director: (angry) no.
Stranger: I have to tell ya, I’m not feeling the synergy here. I think we should have a retreat.
Jimmy: Stranger, just-
Stranger Just what, Jimmy? Just read this here piece of paper? Okay: (The most sarcastic manner possible) Oh wow, I like wrasslin’ and dancin’ but hate those pesky cruiserweights. What is this? The BoD Network? (Video shows highlights of Jesse Baker, Paul Meekin, and unfortunately Hilda). No cruiserweights there. Yeah, no kidding.
Stranger: One take my friend. Donair break!
Spotlight! Just one this time…there he is! Petuka points to the sign and heads to the ring!
And there’s the music of Jef Vinson! He comes to the ring with his lovely valet, who glares at Petuka; who can forget when he gave her the PETUKA BAZOOKA? Vinson clearly hasn’t, as he tells his valet to head to the back as Petuka winks at her!
Jef Vinson vs John Petuka
Vinson attack Petuka as soon as the bell rings, raining rights and lefts down. He sends Petuka to the corner and rams him into the turnbuckles. Vinson is a house afire! Off the ropes, clothesline by Vinson! He drops an elbow on Petuka’s knee, and does it a second time. Vinson picks him up, but Petuka goes to the eyes! Petuka in control. He sends Vinson off the ropes and gets a ‘rana for two. Petuka goes to the middle rope, Bret Hart elbow on Vinson. Abeyance has come out onstage to watch. Petuka picks Vinson up, belly to back suplex! He applies a neck vice as Abeyance looks on. Vinson fights out of it and gets a fireman’s carry….Death Valley Driver! He turns and sees Abeyance on stage as his valet comes out and gets in Abeyance’s face. He turns around but Petuka has recovered and gets a codebreaker! 1,2, no! Petuka back in control as Abyeance and Vinson’s valet are really arguing now. Petuka signals for the BAZOOKA, but Vinson reverses it into a flatliner! Both wrestlers are down, but Vinson gets to his feet and once again yells at Abeyance on the rampway; Abeyance turns from Petuka’s valet with a smile at Vinson. He turns back and grabs Vinson’s valet and kisses her, bending her over! He drops her with a satisfied smile as she’s in a daze….Vinson is incensed! He charges up the rampway towards Abeyance and starts to throw rights! Abeyance returns fire! They’re all over the stage! Meanwhile the referee is counting…..Vinson has been counted out! Petuka wins! Petuka staggers to his feet and gets his hand raised; he points to the sign, but Vinson and Abeyance couldn’t care less, as they’re in a war all over the stage area, through the production crew!
The camera cuts to the back, where AndyPG is watching on a monitor and shaking his head slowly as the carnage continues to unfold. What will AndyPG do at Hell in a Cell? More next week, ON BOD RAW!!