This has nothing to do with the WWE
Last week, at BOD Night of Champions, Kensington Enterprises pulled a fast one and not only retained their titles in Wargames, they shut the door on multiple potential challengers! What’s the next step for the most dominant force in BOD? And how will the former champs respond to the act of betrayal from Kaptain Kiwi in the main event? Should the WWE writers read this and learn a thing or two? All this and more, tonight on BOD RAW!!
AndyPG, Jef Vinson, and Abeyance are in the ring, Vinson with the mic. Robert Davis is nowhere to be found; after last week, he’s been missing in action.
Vinson: Last week, we were betrayed by a cheese-snorting pussy, and let me tell you something Kiwi, you better get out here right now and take your punishment!
(He throws down the mic and stalks in the ring as Abeyance is glaring at Vinson. He reaches down and picks up the mic).
Abeyance: You know what, Vinson? I’ve had just about enough of your-
(AndyPG tries to back Abeyance off, but he’s undeterred. Vinson stares at Abeyance with fury in his eyes as Abeyance continues)
Abeyance: NO! I’m going to have my say. You asked me to throw in with you, that you had a plan for Kensington that was going to result in us getting back what was ours. Trust me, you said. Trust Davis. Trust Andy. Trust KIWI! Where did all that crap get us, huh Vin-
(Vinson grabs the mic from him, AndyPG now in the middle of them, trying to calm them down).
Vinson: Hey, I’m sick of this shit from you, Abeyance! You were nothing until you got lucky against me! How was I supposed to know that moron was going to-
(Abeyance grabs the mic from him again!).
Abeyance: You arrogant prick! You think that you’re better than everyone here, Vinson! You think that you know more than us, well let me tell you something; you fucked up. You fucked up royally. And you seem to conveniently forget that the last time you and I faced off, it was your shoulders that were pinned to the mat! So take your sanctimonious ass and shove your valet’s face-
(Vinson piefaces Abeyance and grabs the mic from HIM again!)
Vinson: You know what? I don’t have to take this from you! Yeah, you got lucky against me; how long was that title reign, Abeyance? You want to talk about trust? You got baited by Kensington hook, line, and sinker! You think I respect a man who couldn’t even hold the belt for more than 2 minutes? A trusting fool who dares to question me about my decisions? You-
(Now ANDY grabs the mic from Vinson, who looks shocked, as does Abeyance.)
AndyPG: It doesn’t matter, you two! We lost! We underestimated them! You two shouting at each other isn’t going to change that! We have to make a plan and-
(There’s the music of Kensington Enterprises! Biff and the rest of Kensington appear on the ramp, mic in hand and a big smile on his face).
Biff: This is priceless! I had dreams about watching this! See, Vinson, the biggest difference between you and me is that I know that loyalty is a pipe dream; money makes the man! See these men? I don’t rely on them for camaraderie, I don’t treat them like dogs to be slobberingly loyal; I treat them like MEN. I provide opportunity and reward it, and let me tell you, they seem to rather enjoy what I’ve brought to their lives. (Kensington hoots and hollers as they hold up their title belts) And I think, despite what you may think of me now, you’ll appreciate what I’m going to bring to your lives, right now. See, I had a talk over milk and cookies with my good friend Bobby Bayless outside the Weinermobile a few weeks ago, brilliant car, isn’t it? He was so thrilled to get it, I have to wonder what it cost you. Well, we agreed that it would be a crime to rob the BOD of your talents even if you (Biff sniffles) can’t challenge for my titles anymore. So, we thought it would be best if you worked out your differences like men. Therefore, at BOD Hell in a Cell, Vinson, you and Abeyance will be locked in to settle your problems, one on one! Do you want to hear the best part, Vinson? Do you?
Vinson: Shut up, Kensington. This isn’t over. Once I deal with Kiwi, you’re next. Nothing will stop me.
Biff: Well, Jef, unfortunately, I had to send Kiwi and the Garea brothers to Bolivia to scout new Anchor Cheese locations, as I still have a minority stake in that wretched company, as per my deal with those losers. I don’t know when they’ll be back; but until then, you can rest assured that your match with Abeyance will take place at Hell in a Cell! And the best part; your special guest referee, the peacemaker….AndyPG (Biff laughs as Vinson and Abeyance turn and stare at Andy, who looks as shocked as anyone). You boys have fun now! See you….oh, wait. Won’t see you later! Come on, boys!
Kensington Enterprises laughs as they head to the back with their titles as AndyPG looks stricken in the middle of the ring between Abeyance and Vinson, who are still shouting at each other! Our first match for BOD Hell in a Cell has been made!
In the GM’s office, Bob Swaggy is with Fast Eddie. His cousin Brian walks in.
Brian: Bobby, you arent going through with this, are you?
Bobby: Don’t be no playa hater. You acting like that kung fu liking motherfucker
Brian: Who the hell are you talking about? Cut the shit and dress like a normal person. Or like you normally do.
Bobby: Don’t be no pu put bitch!
Brian: I swear to god if you didnt sustain a head injury I’d toss you off of the roof! And in case you have forgotten, I have to leave to get together your friends for your bachelor party.
Bobby: Man, I aint domesticating no ho
Brian: I cant be here any longer (He leaves as Bob practices gang signs)
Wade Michael Meltzer is backstage with DBSM and the C-List Posse.
Wade: DBSM, over the past few weeks we have seen a lot of tension between members of your posse. Is everything fine?
DBSM: Wade its better than fine. Its damn great. Me and the Posse went to Dave & Busters and won the Skee Ball Tournament. And guess what, Harvey Grant sank 8 straight free throws. The C-List Posse is back !! (The Posse is in the background all slapping hands, seemingly united. Steve Decker is swinging a bat psychotically in the background).
Wade: DBSM, what is next for you.
DBSM: I’m going out to the ring to beat this jabroni then I’m going to see Nicole Eggert and tap that ass. 10/10 Maud baby!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
DBSM w/ C-List Posse vs. Ed Zeppelin
The Posse are chilling ringside as DBSM wastes little time in beating on his opponent. He catches Zeppelin with a powerslam before yelling “that’s for you, Maud!” DBSM stays in control with a surfboard as the C-List Posse are showing their approval. DBSM charges into the corner but Zeppelin propels himself up and gets a nearfall with a sunset flip but then DBSM turns him inside-out with a clothesline. DBSM softens up Zeppelin before hitting him with the Afterparty (Death Valley Driver) and the win. The C-List Posse come into the ring after the match for the celebration as it finally seems like DBSM and the C-List Posse are on the same page.
After defeating Camp Cleveland last week at BoD Night of Champions, Biscuit and Strike Force left the arena driving the Camp Cleveland bus. Well, they took it on the road. Lets see what happened.
(Driving down the highway, Biscuit looks as focused as ever. All three men are covered in dried blood, as they just finished a brutal battle. Biscuit sees a used car dealership and pulls right over).
Biscuit: (Looks over the lot of used cars, most of them appearing quite used)
Salesman: Can I help you?
Biscuit: I need a new car. What can I get for this (points at the bus).
Salesman: Well, I’d have to check. Follow me into the office.
(Everyone heads inside)
Mar Solo: Is this all the coffee you have? (Full pot on as Solo downs with in under a minute)
Salesman: Um, you just drank it all.
Indeed: LORETTA!!!!!!!!!! (He sees a maroon 1987 Chrysler Lebaron convertible pulling into the parking lot, similar to the one he had that was ruined by Camp Cleveland. He then runs out to the parking lot, with his windbreaker ruffling due to the wind.)
Solo: Party Time!!!!! (Solo highsteps and fist pumps all the way to the car.
Biscuit: (To the salesman) What do you have? I don’t want anything flashy.
Salesman: Well, I have a 1995 Chevrolet Cavalier. It has power windows and-
Biscuit: I SAID NOTHING FLASHY!!!!! I just need it to get me from town-to-town, twice on Sundays.
Salesman: Okay, um, well there is this car. It has over 210,000 miles and the passenger window does not work.
Biscuit: (Looks over the car like its a work of art) How much is this?
Salesman: Its an 1986 Oldsmobile Cutlass Supreme. Maybe $250?
(Mar Solo is seen pushing Indeed, who is shaking his head and fist to the sweet tunes of Robbie Dupree’s “Girls in Cars,” around in the 1987 Chrylser Lebaron.)
Indeed: How much is this?
Biscuit: We’ll swap ya that bus for these two.
Salesman: (Looks around at the guys, mostly wanting them to leave ASAP) Okay, you have a deal.
(All three guys ride out of the parking lot, heading to their next journey)
Jef Vinson and his valet are getting into their limo in the back, AndyPG is with them.
Vinson: Just remember, Andy; you better do the right thing. (He knocks on the partition, and limo drives away)
Andy exhales and looks conflicted as Abeyance comes up behind him.
Abeyance: Yeah, Andy. Do the right thing. Remember who convinced us to do all this. Remember who helped us lose everything. Be a good little soldier, Andy. Don’t think about the man whose been using you to help him get what HE wants.
Abeyance walks away as AndyPG exhales.
Tommy Hall is in the ring. Lets hear what he has to say:
“As I sit here, sporting my Oronde Gadsden throwback from my “Hey, I sorta remember that guy” 1990’s NFL Receivers collection, I realize that I have not been featured enough on BoD RAW. (Holds up his BoD Writer’s Title) I am holding a once prestigious championship but lately, I do not seem to have any challengers. It appears as my competition have all went away. They cannot handle nor keep up with my feats. When I step in Panera Bread for my “pick two” I am addressed as the champion. But when they ask about my next defense, I do not have an answer. With that being said, I am taking it upon myself to make this title as prestigious as ever. And since no one here can give me competition, I will find my own. So, starting next week, I am issuing the “Tommy Hall BoD Writer’s Championship” Open Challenge. Any writer, past or present, can come here and step into the ring with greatness. I dont care where you left or disappeared to because no one, and I mean no one is going to take this title away from me. (Tommy pulls out a stack of eBook dollars, which once again is not legitimate currency as Biff Kensington is clapping in the background.)”
And now, lets see how the Men With Macklin are spending their day. Lets head to the BBQ Truck!
Marv: When are we watching the 2003 Royal Rumble?
Duck: Tomorrow at 8pm EST
Marv: Oh good. I will watch that. (Rocks the Crestling back and forth gently)
Macklin: C’mon guys. Why arent we out there performing?
Mears: (Cuts of Macklin) Hey, who wants to go tailgating? Illinois plays Nebraska Saturday. Lets take a vote (No one speaks as they are all busy) that sounds like four yes’s to me. (Walks to the steering wheel, bumping into Macklin and not acknowledging his presence). Lets go early and get a good spot.
Macklin: But no one voted. No one. (Everyone ignores Macklin).
Mears: Marv, Duck, are you all okay?
Marv & Duck: Yes
Mears: And the Crestling?
Marv: Sleeping. He watched a few SD Jones matches.
Macklin: How about me?
Mears: What’s that fucking noise. The hell is wrong with the fan belt. (Stops the car and pops the hood as Macklin shakes his head).
Spotlight! Smaller spotlight! That can only mean one thing….here they are, the Future Kings! John Petuka and Peyton_Drinking stand….BANG! There’s the sign: “BODMania III….with John Petuka” along with the smaller banner “…And Peyton_Drinking” and both of them POINT TO THE SIGN! They make their way to the ring, and Petuka grabs a mic.
Petuka: Last week, my former partner in the Upper Midcard Express went too far. Kbjone, we’ve been through a lot together, and I even had your back against AndyPG, but it’s clear to me that you don’t understand some things. So come on out here and let’s talk this thing out, okay?
On the BOD Tron, there he is! The chair-wielding psychopath of the BOD, Kbjone is at the merchandise stand, wearing a Petukamania shirt (Back down to $17.99 at BOD Shopzone!)
Kbjone: John! It’s all for you, John! When the UMX stopped being a team, I went through some hard times, John. But then I realized that what really happened was my mission became much clearer to me! I had to help you realize your dream, John! And the fact is that I’m not going to stand by and allow you to place your trust in some rookie that can’t do what I can do for you, John! By the way, I have some brand new merch here at the stand, and I’m practically giving it away!
The camera pans to the merch table, past the terrified clerks who are staring at kbjone’s chair; we see boots, wrestling trunks, a suitcase, clothes….Peyton_Drinking grabs the mic from Petuka!
Peyton: Wait a second! That’s my gear!
Kbjone: Yes it is, Patton!
Peyton: It’s Peyton, damnit!
Kbjone: Whatever you say! I’m giving you the chance to prove your loyalty to John, Patton! All the proceeds from our sale here will go towards helping John realize his dreams! (He turns to the crowd around the stand) So, who wants a left boot? 3 bucks! (He tosses it to a fan who gives him cash) We have to keep Petuka well-fed, and this is the way to do it! Your sacrifice is worth it, Patton! It’s all for John! (He turns back to the crowd) Trunks, 5 bucks!
He continues as Peyton shouts at the screen and starts to make his way through the crowd, but kbjone continues to toss merchandise out as Petuka puts his head in his hands. Peyton reaches the merch stand and the brawl is on! They fight all over the place, destroying the rest of the merchandise and kbjone sends Peyton into the snack stand! Peyton gets to his feet, but kbjone is waiting and he bounces Petyon’s heat off the popcorn machine! He adds a chairshot for good measure and turns back towards the camera.
Kbjone: I told you that he wouldn’t make the sacrifices you need, John! It’s all for you!!
Kbjone hops over the snack stand and calmly walks away, chair in tow!
TatR & Shelton Benjamin vs. Travis Banks & Onita100
Shelton and TatR havent been seen since the Educated Negro Ensemble beat them down two weeks ago. They take control of the match, using quick tags. Banks hits Shelton from the apron then tags in to rough him up for a bit. Banks tries a suerplex but Shelton blocks that and comes off of the top with a crossbody that Onita100 breaks up. TatR comes in and the match breaks down. Onita charges but gets dumped outside then Shelton hits the Overdrive for the win. Uh oh, here comes the Educated Negro Ensemble. They are clapping and standing on the ramp. And they have something to say:
Night: I see that you have both won today. And congratulations.
Distinguished Devin Harris: And salutations.
FunkDoc: But, when we face you next week.
X-Man: We will be standing after the match
Night: And giving you our condolences.
DDH: Yes. And shall we not forget, a chance that we will have to deliver a eulogy.
FunkDoc: To Shelton, a man who can only see color.
X-Man: To TatR, a traitor of his culture.
Night: Next week is the end. And you better find two people for your team. Because if not, its 4-2.
DDH: What that means you cretans, is after we destroy them, we educate……………….you.
They leave as TatR & Shelton stare then down, with Shelton also seemingly checking out his partner. Maybe.
And now, its back up to the Alps to hear all about the BoD Network:
Stranger: Oh, I forgot to tell you but I got the newest script.
Director: Good, and go!
Stranger: When you have the BoD Network, it opens yourself to the gateway of synergy. Here, you can streamline all of your entertainment. This disruptive innovation is a game-changer in the world of streaming multimedia. Feel the empowerment and get on that sea of change and grab a hold of the paradigm shift. Its a holistic approach to prepare for globalization-
Director: This is not the script!
Stranger: Yes it is!
Director: Bobby Bayless doesnt know that means
Stranger: I know, its from Bob Swaggy.
Director: What happened to the script!
Stranger: I’m reading it
Director: Dammit, we are done for the day
Jimmy the Agent: Was that necessary
Stranger: Jimmy, that was leverage. Try using it in your next negotiation.
Robert Davis stands in an unknown location with a handheld video camera recording.
Davis: Biff Kensington. Biff. Kensington. Your world as you know it is about to end. No longer will I shackle myself with leaders. No longer will I count myself as a follower. No longer will I pretend to care about your little trophies, Biff Kensington; all that matters is putting an end to your cancerous growth here in the BOD. All that matters….is vengeance. (He snaps his fingers and the lights go out.) You won’t see me coming, Biff. You’ll only see….the end.
And now, its the Bob Swaggy rap concert!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Swaggy heads down to the ring, grabbing his junk and making poor excuses for gang signals.
Swaggy: Yo! Fast Eddie! Give me a beat!
(Starts up the boom box)
Swaggy now sings:
They call me Bob
Bob, Bob, Bob (slowly fading)
Yo sister calls me daddy
I’d bang your moms
But the bitch too saggy
I hit up da club
Damn straight I’m packing
You bring yo’ girl to my booth
AND ITS A STRAIGHT UP JIMMY JACKING!!!!!!!!!
Got all sorts a paper
Y’all know I’m a pimp
You know when yo’ bitch leaves my office
CUZ SHE IS WALKING WITH A LIMP
(Brian sees this backstage and starts to drink from a bottle of Maalox. Heavily. He then gets the strength to stop this trainwreck).
Bobby: Yo, my playas!!!! (Bobby is doing pelvic gyrations to the crowd)
Wait a minute!! Looks who comes waddling out! It’s Bobby Bayless’ fiance Hilda!!!!!! She is double-fisting Milk Duds.
Hilda: Bobby!!!! Bobby!!!!
Swaggy: Damn, sasquatch! I’m tryin’ to rap ova here- (Bobby loses his balance and falls off of the top rope and outside of the ring, whacking his head off of the steps)
Brian: (running out to the ring. He leans over Bobby, who is out cold) Bobby. Bobby, wake up.
Swaggy: (Slowly comes to) ………..ow……….uh……………….HIYA PAL!!!!!!!! OW!!!!!!!!!
Hilda: Bobby, Bobby, why did you say mean things to me.
Bobby: Hey girl! Can I have some Milk Duds!
Hilda: (Hands the box) Are we still getting married?
Bobby: Yep. And my cuz is going to get my friends for a bachelor party. My friend Jimmy is a jokester! (Looks down at what he is wearing) Hey! Hey! Who dressed me up as a cruiserweight, dammit!!!!!
Brian: Easy, Bobby. (Medics come to take Bobby away). You are going to be okay, Bobby. Let me go back with you.
Next week, for the BoD C-List Title, we will have a rematch from BoD Night of Champions between “Happening” Harry Broadhurst and Bill Ray.
We’re back in the ring as Biff and Hoss stand, a table in the middle of the ring with a contract on it.
Biff: Now then, my World Champion Hoss demands two things in life; the best ice cream and the best competition! As I understand it, Jobber123 is the #1 Contender, so I’m happy to say that we’re looking forward to defending the World Title at Hell in a Cell against you, Jobber! Come on out and let’s get a contract signed for that match!
That’s the music of the Job Mob, but no one comes out! Jobber appears on the screen; behind him, we see the masked and mysterious one they call Four.
Jobber: Biff, my man! So good to see you! See, here’s the whole thing – I’ve been training hard (He hits a joint and passes it off screen to someone else), but I want to be in top shape when I face off against that processed milk motherfucker over there! So, (He takes a shot of Sudafed) I’m going to continue my training for a little while longer! But, I know what you’re thinking, Biff, and I have connections to Bobby Bayless too, (He leans out of frame and we hear a loud snorting sound. He comes back up with dust on his upper lip) and he said that I could pick your challenger for Hell in a Cell! And I thought to myself, (He pops 3 pills from an unmarked bottle) self, you should pick someone who can soften up the old champ for you! Somebody that you used to know, somebody that’s been hurting people and stuff! So, without further ado, I give you that man….the former Adam Curry himself, Matthew Maynard Adams!
There he is! Matthew Maynard Adams is slowly making his way to ringside, looking curiously at the table, then at Hoss, then at Biff, then at the belt. He slowly climbs through the ropes; Biff is beside himself!
Biff: That’s not the deal! You can’t just pick some crazy-
Adams grabs Biff by the throat! Hoss roars and attacks! He pounds Adams with forearms, but Adams just turns around and smiles….huge rights to Hoss! Hoss is reeling! Adams picks him up and powerbombs him through the table! He picks him up again….Adamsmasher! Adams picks up the World title as Biff looks on from the outside, terrified as Adams drops the belt back onto Hoss’ prone body and calmly walks towards the back! Will the former Adam Curry become the BOD World Champ at Hell in a Cell? What will Kensington do about this new threat? Why did Jobber choose Adams to face off against Hoss? TUNE INTO BOD RAW NEXT WEEK!