The SmarK Rant for NXT–08.26.15

The SmarK Rant for NXT Takeover Brooklyn 0.5 – 08.26.15

Buffering update: Just for fun, I tried watching the 10/07/96 episode of RAW that has become my white whale at work on my phone, which has LTE speed. Started buffering 2 seconds in. So I guess I’m limited to the live stream stuff for the time being until they get their shit together. This show streams beautifully, of course, with no problems whatsoever. It’s just the damn archives.

Taped from Brooklyn, NY

Your hosts are Rich Brennan and Corey Graves.

Enzo Amore, Colin Cassady, Zach Ryder & Mojo Rawley v. Scott Dawson, Dash Wilder, Jason Jordan & Chad Gable

What a freakshow on the babyface side. The pop for Enzo and Cass is just unholy, as they remain the greatest curtain jerking team in wrestling today. They should just get called up to the main roster and open every house show across the country for the next five years. Although not a great wrestling name, “Dash Wilder” is a fantastic porn star name. The heels beat on Zack and the crowd immediately wants Enzo. Yeah but guys, he usually gets pinned, so maybe you don’t want that. So Enzo does in fact tag in and we threaten a giant donnybrook(lyn) before the babyfaces clean house. Poor Dash gets stuck by himself and destroyed, and Cass launches Enzo onto the pile of geeks on the floor. Actually, that’s unfair to Chad Gable, who is going to be a giant star. We take a break to learn about all the things on the WWE Network and return with Enzo getting his ass kicked as per usual. I should point out the idiot announcers comparing the jobber team of Jordan & Gable to the Brainbusters, which is like I LITERALLY CAN’T EVEN. The heels get the heat for a while with nothing particularly interesting, and now the crowd wants Cass. MAKE UP YOUR DAMN MINDS. The grass apparently ISN’T greener on the other side, huh? But then they probably all cheer for the loser Yankees, so they don’t know better. Cass gets the hot tag and drops the SAWFT elbow for two, and Zack comes in with the Rough Rider to get rid of one of the heel geeks. Bossman slam on Gable and the Rocket Launcher finishes at 11:11. **1/2

Meanwhile, Neville interrupts William Regal’s introduction of the Dusty Rhodes Tag Team Classic and asks to be a part of it. At least I think that’s what he said. Why don’t these British guys learn to speak English if they’re gonna come to America?

Meanwhile, Charlotte & Becky aren’t impressed with the special video about Emma. In fact, Becky has her OWN special video.

Eva Marie v. Carmella

This might be a disaster. Carmella’s deal just doesn’t work without the other two clowns backing her up. They do a rather laughable wrestling sequence while the crowd informs Eva that she can’t wrestle, and they would be correct. Eva takes over with a forearm that misses by a lot and a senton for two. Eva goes to an armbar, looking like she has no idea why the move is supposed to hurt or how to make it appear so, but Carmella comes back with a rana and a pair of Thesz presses. Eva gets a jawbreaker and something vaguely resembling Sliced Bread for the pin at 4:10. Well, at least it was short-ish, I guess. This was like a couple of backyard wrestlers stumbling through a match. DUD

Meanwhile, Tyler Breeze isn’t worried about his loss to Liger, because he’s still gorgeous and Liger is an ugmo who has to wear a mask everywhere.

Meanwhile, what the FUCK is with Dana Brooke’s makeup? And then we get a video package of her doing the same two moves and same poses over and over and over again. Wow, that really sold me.

Meanwhile, Bayley’s family crashes her victory interview and they’re all pretty adorable.

Meanwhile, Baron Corbin wants into this tag team deal, so Regal makes him a team with Rhyno, and next week they face the Ascension.

“The Drifter” Elias Samson v. Bull Dempsey

Come on, THE DRIFTER?! That’s so stupid you have to love it, complete with acoustic guitar and cowboy boots. He should team with Corbin as the Lone Wolves. Bull, who is supposedly lean and trim now in much the same sense that I am, dominates with headlocks while Samson bumps all over for him. Back to the headlocks, as I feel like Samson has been stuck in the same place in the ring far too long for a Drifter. Even the announcers are mocking this ridiculous gimmick, so you know he’s a goober. Bull makes the comeback with a corner splash and finishes with a flying butt drop at 4:31. I liked Bull better when he was doing the 30 second match gimmick. ½*

Meanwhile, Samoa Joe is not here to play games and he’ll continue to beat people up.

Meanwhile, Alexa Bliss is going to take out her frustrations on Blue Pants next week.

Meanwhile, more filler with Takeover recaps and a special look at Charlotte. This show was seriously only 45 minutes of actual show and the rest was recaps of Takeover, commercials for the Network and video packages.

Emma v. Dana Brooke v. Charlotte v. Becky Lynch

Why isn’t this just a tag match? It’s not like anything is on the line here. The faces clean house for a bit and then the heels work Becky over as we take a break. Back with the double-teaming continuing and good god Dana looks like the cheapest of cheap strippers with that outfit. It reminds me of my bachelor party many many many years back, when my friends decided to take me to multiple strip clubs in Edmonton in between drinking, and we started at the Crazy Horse at about 2:00 in the afternoon. I’m pretty sure there was someone working there who looked like Dana at that point. Anyway, Emma gets a gut wrench on Becky for two, but the heel alliance dissolves before our eyes in a wholly unexpected development. Charlotte hits them both with a DDT and gets two on each one in succession. Good, work the count! Becky comes in with a missile dropkick on Charlotte, but she’s all horrified because she dropkicked her own partner. But it’s not a tag team match! I’m so confused. Emma runs wild on the faces and gets the pin out of nowhere on Becky with the Emma Sandwich at 9:46. Uh, what happened there? Did Becky forget to kick out? Whatever, doesn’t matter. Match was OK, everyone tried hard. **1/4

The Pulse

I have no earthly idea why this had to be 90 minutes long, as it was a pretty boring show with a hot crowd, padded out with insane amount of video packages and interviews. If I wanted to watch Takeover again, I’d just watch it. That’s the whole POINT of the Network. This was basically a while show of filler and totally skippable.