Let’s get the preliminaries out of the way here….
(YOU CAN SKIP THIS IF YOU DON’T CARE ABOUT HEARING A SHORT BIO – I’LL BE A LITTLE HURT, BUT I WILL SOLDIER ON) My name is Rick Poehling, and I’m taking over for Kyle Warne on ROH TV recap duty. Some of you may or may not know that I’ve also been giving Brian Bayless a hand with BOD Raw for the last several months. Here are a few random things about me that you can know and promptly forget. I’ve been watching wrestling since Wrestlemania 3; I was smartened up by the old Usenet groups when I got to college in 1996, where I first encountered Mr. Keith’s work. I have a degree in Creative Writing and Philosophy, so I’m actually defined as useless by society in general. I manage a comic book store. I play competitive Magic: The Gathering. And, if for any reason, you need proof that I’m a complete douchebag:
I was born and raised in St. Louis, Missouri, and am a die-hard St. Louis Cardinals fan.
That fact alone normally clinches the deal for most people. Okay! On with the recap!
(YOU CAN RESUME READING HERE!)
I come from the CRZ school of recapping, so if this is too long or something, you’ve been warned. I don’t do promo transcription except in special circumstances, nor do I recap every move, but I tend to go long. In short, if you want a QnD review, this ain’t it, pardner.
Ring of Honor TV – 8/5/15
Let’s get started with…..the giant forehead of Roderick Strong? We’re going to start with a promo from the only guy whose mic work makes Lance Storm look like The Rock? All-righty. “One hour. We went one hour. You see, Jay Lethal, July 24th at Death before Dishonor, we both walked into that ring with something to prove!” Mr. Strong is indeed referencing the main event at Death before Dishonor, where he and the World Champ, TV and otherwise, wrestled to a time-limit draw. He goes on to say that nothing was settled, he would have won with just a few more minutes, and he wants himself a rematch. He’s not asking Nigel Mcguinness, he’s TELLING him that the next time Jay Lethal defends that belt, it’s going to be against him!
Please don’t mistake my exclamation points as indications of excitement/emotion on Roderick Strong’s behalf.
We’re TAPED from Terminal 5 in New York City! Your hosts are Kevin Kelly and Steve Corino. (For once and all, I’m not calling him ‘King’) They run down our card for the night, including KYLE FUCKING O’REILLY vs Adam Cole! Yay! My manlove for Kyle O’Reilly (I genuinely think he’s one of the top workers in the world; O’Reilly/Kushida from the BOSJ is my current MOTY) knows no bounds, and Adam Cole is no slouch either. Give ’em the whole hour!
Aw, damn. Guess we’re going to start with some tag action.
War Machine (Hanson/Rowe) vs The Young Bucks (Nick/Matt Jackson)
The Young Bucks. Uh…yay? So here’s the thing for me with the Young Bucks; they remind of me finding a porn star who you inexplicably enjoy spanking it to, despite the fact that they’re the complete opposite of anything you’ve ever found attractive in a woman ever. So you jerk it, hating yourself the whole time but firing off a nut like you wouldn’t believe, then feeling ashamed afterwards. That’s a long metaphor to say that they aren’t great professional wrestlers, and objectively their selling makes wrestling look fake, but god help me, I like the little spot monkeys.
I guess I could have just used the term ‘guilty pleasure’, but you know.
Only other problem with Young Bucks matches is that I have to listen to Corino shout ‘SUPERKICK!’ 20 times, causing my mind to wander into intricate murder plots involving cutting off all his limbs and burying what’s left of him alive afterwards, Kill Bill style.
War Machine’s alright. Kind of like 2 talented John Nords.
Corino is already screaming about whether or not I got my invite to the ‘SUPERKICK PARTY!’ before the Young Bucks even hit the ring. Fuck. They’re the current IWGP JR champs, but the titles are not on the line here, in case there was any doubt. “Young Bucks!” chant and streamers for the Jacksons.
War Machine offers the code of honor, Young Bucks respond with a crotch chop, so War Machine busts them in their faces. Nick Jackson gets tossed over the top, and War Machine proceeds to double team Matt Jackson, tossing HIM as Nick’s back and he’s on the top rope, high cross onto both members of War Machine, which they promptly no-sell. Punches from Jackson, which they also no-sell. Nick off the ropes, he gets caught and tossed in the air and down to the mat. Matt has the temerity to attempt to return to the ring, but Hanson sends him back to the floor. Press slam from Rowe sends Nick to join his brother. Referee pretends like he has any actual authority in an ROH tag match by attempting to get one of the War Machine guys to the apron; silly boy, that never works in ROH! War Machine correctly ignores him and goes out to the floor, attempt to send the Bucks into the apron, but that just earns us our first ‘SUPERKICK!’ of the match, as each of them gets hit with superkicks that are, say it along with me, no-sold. Double moonsaults from the Bucks result in both getting caught and rammed into each other headfirst. War Machine threatens to double-chokeslam Matt off the apron to the floor, but Nick runs across the ring and hops the top rope, giving us our two more ‘SUPERKICKS!’ from Corino. Matt holds Rowe with his legs, then Nick comes off with a kick straight to Rowe’s face. Matt sets Rowe up on the apron, holding him out for Nick to come off with a Swanton off the apron! That was kinda neat. Referee pretends to warn them as they start double-teaming Hanson now, cannonball in the corner. Frog Splash/Standing Moonsault combo gets a 1-count. Yes, a 1-count. Bucks send him off, he cartwheels through and hits a double clothesline. When in Rome, I guess. Bucks come back with a double superkick, though, and just assume Corino screams if from here on in, because I’m tired of typing it. I need a macro. Corino: “Oh, I can’t take this, I might be the first commentator to have a heart attack on air.”
Yeah, fuck you, Corino. You’re just so edgy, you prick.
Anyway, Bucks get Crash and Burn, but now Nick Jackson is selling his leg like Flair just worked it over for the last 80 or so minutes. Everyone’s down, so let’s take a break for some ads!
We’re back, and everyone’s tending to Nick on the outside. Rowe tries to get at him, but the refs shoo him back, so he just shrugs and grabs Matt instead. Rowe hits him with Shotgun knees (I love that move), and Hanson just hits a running broncobuster without the busting. Hanson then goes to the APRON; are we going to have a tag match? Who knew? Whatever the case may be, Matt looks to go it alone, but heeeere’s AJ Styles to help out his fellow Bullet Club members. Crowd of course goes batshit for AJ as he checks on Nick on the outside. Meanwhile, Matt is getting kneed by Hanson in the ring, forearms by Hanson, pin only gets a 1-count. Rowe’s back in and looking for a dragon suplex, but Matt rolls him up. Rowe kicks out and FLATTENS Matt with a lariat. Armwringer by Matt is reversed into a huge slam. Tag back to Hanson. He drops an elbow and a knee and poses for the crowd, who is most decidedly not in favor of said posing. Tag, and Matt starts firing, but that gets cut off by a double slam, and Rowe then slams Hanson on top of Matt. Hanson attempts to powerbomb Rowe on top of Matt, but he misses and the crowd wants AJ. Powerbomb attempt is escaped, and Matt sends a charging Hanson over the top rope. And AJ’s in the corner! Crowd wants him to get a tag! WHO CARES THAT HE WASN’T IN THE MATCH IN THE FIRST PLACE? ROH! ROH! ROH!
Anyway, Matt tags in AJ and ref allows it for whatever reason. AJ cleans Rowe’s clock with clotheslines, kicks, and he escapes a fireman’s carry to hit a second rope ‘rana. Rowe ducks an AJ clothesline, and he takes out the ref, who, to be perfectly fair, really wasn’t doing anything anyway. Rowe with a Superman punch on AJ. Matt comes into the ring, and if you think that’s going to end with anything other than him getting superkicks on both members of War Machine while Corino jizzes himself, you’re new to ROH. Welcome! Hope you’re enjoying it so far! Matt off the ropes, but he gets caught in a backbreaker, then a gutbuster, then a powerbomb. Hanson is up to the top rope, but Nick has made a MIRACULOUS recovery, and now he’s back in the ring! More superkicks! Superkick to Hanson! Superkick to Rowe! AJ’s back in now; Bloody Sunday and Styles Clash are enough to get the 1,2,3. (Bucks over War Machine, pinfall, 10:04 aired) Corino proclaims them the “3 smartest people EVER!” I’ll just let that be a testament to the company that Corino keeps.
Adam Cole is in the back. He’s unsure of where his state of mind is, but he’s ready to battle his good friend Kyle O’Reilly (and I’m ready to watch it. Over and over. On repeat. Forever.); but a couple of weeks ago, he shook Kyle’s hand, and people claimed there was dissension in the Kingdom. Is there dissension in the Kingdom? Of course not, Cole claims! His friendship with Kyle has nothing to do with the Kingdom! When he was out, sitting at home, who was the first person to call him? Kyle! More stuff about being at Kyle’s wedding, breaking in as Future Shock with him, bleeding buckets against each other, etc. They’re going to leave with respect for each other! Time for some ads!
We’re back with Cedric Alexander and Veda Scott on their way to the ring. Yee-ouch, I do love me some Veda Scott; my wife being a redhead probably has something to do with it. Caprice Coleman has joined our intrepid commentators for this one. And there’s the music of The Romantic Touch.
Cedric Alexander vs The Romantic Touch
I feel as though Alexander may, in fact, be the favorite to come out the victor in this match. Touch poses on the top turnbuckle, turns around into an Alexander dropkick in the corner. A second! A third! Chop for Touch, and Alexander helps him out of his jacket. What a gentleman….oh, he’s choking him with it. What a cad! Alexander continues the assault as Coleman speculates that Alexander’s change in attitude had to do with need to stay on top. Touch tries to fire back, but Alexander catches him by the mask and levels him with a right. A few reversals later, Touch ducks a spin kick and dropkicks Alexander to the floor. Crash and Burn by Touch. Veda grabs the leg when he tries to get back in the ring, Alexander kicks the middle rope for the low blow. Kick to the chest on the apron sets up the Lumbar Check, and we’re done here. 1,2,3. (Alexander over Touch, pinfall, 2:42) Man, Touch BOUNCED off that Lumbar Check.
Post-match, Veda’s got the stick. Everyone else told Alexander that his time was coming, all he had to do was work hard, but they’re liars, and Veda Scott would never lie! She tells him to rip the mask off of Touch’s face and expose Rhett Titus for the fraud he is. Coleman gets in the ring, but Cedric shoves him down. And here’s Moose! Cedric tells him to bring it on, so he complies, rushing the ring. Cedric and Veda exit the ring, post-haste.
Time for a chat with both the World Champion and the World TV Champion, Jay Lethal. He’s standing by with Truth Martini. “Now hold the camera still, because we’ve got some business to take care of!” Tell ’em, champ! Lethal asks Truth what the belt smells like, and he says ‘chicken coop’. Back to Lethal; he’s going to be the greatest champ of all time! At Death before Dishonor, Roderick Strong, you took me to the limit, but you couldn’t get the job done, and I’m still the champ. No rematch for you, Strong, sayeth the champ. Now it’s Truth’s turn. Maybe you weren’t listening, but he told you about Jay Lethal. And now, he’s going to tell you that no matter who it is, Jay Lethal is going to continue to be the champ! After that thrilling interview, let’s check out some ads to catch our breath.
Now, normally, I would skip Inside ROH and Mandy Leon’s grotesquely large tits, but apparently, we’re going to take a closer look at Kyle O’Reilly on this week’s Inside ROH. Footage is shown of O’Reilly making Lethal tap to an armbar in a tag match, then footage of the time-limit draw with O’Reilly having Lethal wrapped up in an armbar again. Fans want 5 more minutes, but Lethal declines. Back to Mandy: “Fans, with what you’ve just seen, do you think it’s possible for Kyle O’Reilly to be the next ROH World Champion?” Listen, lady, as far as I’m concerned, every fed in the world should put all the belts on Kyle O’Reilly and he should be given the right of Prima Nocta along with it. Our main event is NEXT!
The music of the Kingdom hits, and here’s Adam Cole….alone? Interesting, interesting indeed. Adam Cole, bay-bay! Christopher Daniels has joined us on commentary, surely to watch what will be a great match and not ruin it by interfering, right? Music of Redragon now, and here’s Kyle O’Reilly! Man, it chafes my hide, my hide I tells ya, that somehow a sack of crap like Randy Orton is the most famous current wrestler to come out of St. Louis and only hardcore fans know who O’Reilly, a wrestler with actual talent, is. O’Reilly shadowboxes the camera and shoots a glance at Daniels. My heart sinks as there’s no way this isn’t ending screwy.
Kyle O’Reilly vs Adam Cole
Code of honor is followed. Daniels explains that they used the KRD to sucker in the Kingdom and get the belts from Redragon for those in the dark. They circle, lockup. O’Reilly grabs the arm, Cole reverses the wringer. O’Reilly flexes his knees, go behind into a trip, front facelock attempt, then a go-behind, Cole reverses the go-behind, O’Reilly reverses, Cole reverses, O’Reilly reverses, Cole reverses, O’Reilly reverses. Cole has had enough of this shit and breaks, O’Reilly ducks the clothesline, Cole ducks the high kick, O’Reilly ducks the superkick attempt. Stalemate. They lock fingers, jockey for position, lockup, standing side headlock by Kyle. Cole attempts to shoot him off the ropes, but O’Reilly hangs on. Cole shoots him off again, successful this time, drop toehold, they scramble and O’Reilly goes back to the headlock. Cole reverses to a headscissors. O’Reilly stands on his head and goes back to the headlock. I know I’m saying that a lot, but they’re really fighting over it, as opposed to a resthold, and it’s fun to watch. And I’m completely biased, of course. “Headlock City!” chant from the crowd. Cole sends him off the ropes, O’Reilly runs through him with the shoulder. Back to the standing side, Cole throws him over his head, O’Reilly lands on his feet. Side headlock takeover, and he avoids the headscissors. Crowd loves it. They’ve gotten a HEADLOCK over in this match. Amazing. Let’s take a hopefully quick ad break.
We’re back with Cole having O’Reilly in the corner. Cross-corner whip, but Cole avoids running into O’Reilly bridging off the top rope. Cole tries to take O’Reilly down into a headlock, but you can’t fuck with the master, as Kyle avoids it and gets another of his own. Off the ropes, Cole goes over the top to the apron. Cole tries a shoulder through the ropes, but O’Reilly grabs the headlock again! Crowd pops for it like he just hit a triple-jump moonsault. Cole suplexes him, but O’Reilly hangs on. Cole finally stops trying reversals and just edges himself to the bottom rope. Clean break, and Cole rolls to the outside for a timeout. O’Reilly goes to the apron and jumps off….and grabs a headlock on the floor! He smiles, but that’s short-lived as Cole sends him to the barricade. Daniels gets up from commentary to get a good view of Kyle on his back. Yay. They’re having words, and now Cole comes over and punches Daniels! And that’ll do it for this match, as Daniels attacks both wrestlers. (DQ, 4:52) Seriously, that was pretty much the best goddamn 4 minutes of headlocks I’ve ever seen. No shit.
Daniels is beating on Cole in the ring, but here’s O’Reilly with the save! And here’s Kazarian to even things up. “FUTURE SHOCK!” chants the crowd, and I’m inclined to agree. Someone get Teddy Long!! Cole’s got a mic – he’s tired of this bullcrap! Tell ’em, Adam! The Addiction has messed with the Kingdom and Redragon too much, so Kyle, for one night only, let’s reunite Future Shock and kick some ass! YES! Daniels is still in street clothes, but he’s game! Let’s do this!
Future Shock (Kyle O’Reilly/Adam Cole) vs The Addiction (Chris Daniels/Kazarian)
Cole ducks a clothesline from Kaz, and we’re off. They trade blows in the ring, off the ropes, Cole hits a jumping neckbreaker on Kaz! Kaz goes to Cole’s eyes and tags in Daniels. Charge by Daniels, biiiiig back body drop by Cole. Daniels backs off the superkick, but takes a shot from Kyle and a clothesline from Cole. Tag to O’Reilly, and they rip off Daniels’ shirt, teeing off on him on the ropes with chops and kicks. Off the ropes, duck by Cole, leapfrog by Kyle, shot to Daniels, kick to the back of Daniels by Kyle, dropkick by Cole. Quick kickout by Daniels on the pin attempt, and we take a BREAK? NOW??
We’re back with Daniels begging off O’Reilly. Irish whip, reversal, kick by O’Reilly, but he turns into a clothesline from the apron by Kaz. Daniels with the tag. Kick by Kaz, clothesline by Daniels to the back of the head, double stomp by Kaz. Snap suplex by Kaz, and he’s got O’Reilly in the corner. Tag to Daniels, shot to O’Reilly’s gut, neckbreaker by Kaz. Daniels takes a shot at Cole on the apron. Lays in the stomps, he and Kaz switch off. Tag to Daniels, but Kyle escapes the full nelson and sends Kaz into Daniels’ fallen angels, so to speak. Hot tag to Cole. Clothesline! Elbow! Running elbow in the corner, Daniels elbows out of the fireman’s carry, Cole with a brainbuster to the knee. Daniels looks to block the superkick, so Cole kicks him in the knee and hits a Shining Wizard. 1,2, no! Cole with a figure-four, but Kaz breaks that up, and now it’s breaking loose in Tulsa. O’Reilly back in with kicks. Jumping knee and a legsweep. Whip, reversal, Daniels is back and he and Kaz hit the powerbomb/neckbreaker combo. The champs set up for Celebrity Rehab, but Cole comes up from behind and rolls up Daniels for the pin! (Future Shock over The Addiction, pinfall, 4:49)
After the match, Chris Sabin hits the ring to help out Daniels and Kaz, but Bobby Fish isn’t far behind, and they clear the ring. Can a brother get a six-man tag? The Kingdom comes out on the ramp, and they don’t look that pleased with Mr. Cole, and that’s where we’ll take our leave for the evening.
Thanks for reading, if you did. Lavish praise requested in the comments section.
@MrSoze on Twitter