WCW Saturday Night: February 15, 1997

With all systems operating within normal designed
parameters, and Cyborgs being pumped out at a furious rate, we board the
mothaship with our good friends TONY
SCHIAVONE
and DUSTY RHODES.
Dusty vows to talk about Roddy Piper. Good, I was worried.

BUNKHOUSE BUCK and
MIKE ENOS
(no data in 1997) vs. THE STEINER BROTHERS (4-0-1)
Buck and Enos are trying this again, huh? The LAST time they
tried working together, they wound up getting into a kerfuffle which I HAVE to
assume is related to their mutual love-triangle with one very confused Dick
Slater. The Base of the Isosceles
would be a fine name for this pair. It would be especially glorious given that
Buck has no idea what an isosceles triangle is, let alone how to pronounce it.
Buck rides Scotty like a hog, but don’t mistake the leather fetish for a
submissive horndog, because he’d rather kill you than squeal. He stands up out
of the clutch to hoist Buck into an electric chair position, and the bulldog
finishes this as quickly as it started at 1:55.
1/2*
LEE MARSHALL’S
MOUSTACHE
is very intrigued by CHRIS
BENOIT
and WOMAN. Apparently
Sullivan’s signed Benoit and himself to a Death Match. Benoit giggles at the
idea, and asks if Sullivan’s looking to have his mind, career, or life ended.
He vows to abuse Sullivan before finishing him for good. I swear to god, I
could take the last 6 months worth of Saturday Night episodes and release them
as a special documentary called “The Premeditation of Chris Benoit” and I’d
immediately be hired to replace Keith Morrison on Dateline NBC.
MAXX (2-0-0) vs. CHAVO GUERRERO JR. (2-4-0)
It’s good to see Maxx making regular appearances on TV again,
after serving his 6 month punishment in his room for trying to clean the
Dungeon fountain with water that’s Not Cold. He knows better. Chavo takes down Maxx and goes for an early pin, but that
just gets him thrown about 48 feet in the air. A forward electric chair drop
sets up an elbow, and before you know it he’s swinging Chavo around in the
Masterlock and that’s that at 1:42.
Dusty asks if Maxx has ever actually visited the Pay Windah, which of course is
no because he’s still on probation and has to go straight home as soon as his
match is over. DUD
SLEDGE HAMMER (no data under this name) vs. ROADBLOCK (1-1-0)
Holy crap, is this really happening? This is already amongst
the two or three greatest moments of my life, and they haven’t even started
fighting yet. I don’t think my keyboard’s going to be able to take the asterisk
pounding I’m about to put on it. My hands are trembling in anticipation for
this, I can’t take it. I don’t even care that Sledge Hammer is a renamed
Tombstone.

And we’re off! Sledge Hammer throws a mighty right hand, and
hits a Stinger Splash! The big man is down! This is your chance, Sledge!
Roadblock gets back to his feet, but Hammer rakes the eyes. Since it worked so
well the first time, Sledge tries another Stinger Splash – but Roadblock
moves!!! He MUST be fast, because otherwise there’s simply no excuse to miss a
target that large! Roadblock picks up Sledge Hammer because he’s 500 pounds of
rock solid steel, and the Dead End Drop finishes this at 1:07! I’m sure you were able to pick up on it from my in depth
play-by-play, and I have little doubt in my mind that everybody reading this
has seen this classic at one time or another, but in the event you suffer from
a bad case of the wnyxmcneal (and you should NEVER go full wnyxmcneal), this is
the single most important event that took place for humankind since The Big
Bang. 4.54 billion stars, in honor of the age of our planet.
MR. JL (0-6-0) vs. SUPER CALO (0-5-0)
I KNEW meticulous record keeping would pay off, but I didn’t
know I’d reap the dividends so quickly! 11 straight losses to start the year
for this pair, which is awful considering even Jerry Lynn won a match on WCW
Pro once. Calo dropkicks JL to the floor, and shows off the flash with a
somersault plancha WITHOUT losing his toque. Calo goes to finish up top, but JL
blocks with a dropkick. A kick to the face fails to knock Calo’s glasses off,
so either JL needs to work on his kicks, or those things have been laced with
Kra-Z Gloo. Calo takes a powder, but JL flies off the top with a plancha. Calo
recovers and whips JL into the guardrail, using the extra recovery time to pose
for his legions of Caloticons. JL tries to get back in the ring, but a swinging
dropkick knocks his ass backwards, and another somersault plancha follows
because Calo is a man of routine and style. Calo heads up, but he’s caught
again, and this time JL DDT’s him off the top. Calo smartly puts his foot on
the ropes at 2. JL goes up, but a dropkick stops that, and Calo hits a super
headscissors. A senton finishes at 3:50!
Dusty: “That’s a big win for Calo!” You don’t even know, Dusty. **
A beltless DEAN
MALENKO
is all up in LEE MARSHALL’s
area. Syxx has somehow earned his second PPV title shot in a row because he
stole Deano’s gold. Malenko tells us a story about a 16 year old kid who begged
and pleaded to be trained in order to become a part of this industry. (Spoiler:
It’s not Mass Transit) And his dad took this kid under his wing, teaching him
both in-ring skills, but also respect. And that person … was Syxx. I love a
surprise ending. That’s not exactly a glowing endorsement of Boris Malenko’s
training, because he has no respect, and he never wrestles. Dean vows to beat
some respect into him. And if that doesn’t work, he’ll have an unshowered Hugh
Morrus sit naked on him while screaming offensive names until he gives the belt
back.
DIAMOND DALLAS PAGE (4-1-0) vs. DEVON STORM (0-1-0)
Don’t think that Storm wasn’t watching the Sledge Hammer
match and got ideas for future gimmicks. It wasn’t until he named himself after
a heavy blunt object and embraced his inner Ugly that he got over. Young
wrestlers around the country could learn something from this, and I look
forward to seeing Tire Iron make his debut in NXT soon. Storm shoves Page into
the corner, which draws some big yuks. I think that’s code for “you’re a dead
man”. A pumphandle backbreaker sets up the Cutter, but Storm pokes the eyes!
Dusty buries him anyway. “Devon Storm hasn’t shown me that WCW is the place
that he should be.” A tornado DDT plants Page, and Dusty’s forced to eat his
words, which is fine because Dusty’s never turned down a free meal. Page hits a
back elbow, and bounces off the bottom rope with a Diamond Cutter at 2:58. Page continues to roll. *1/2
BILLY PEARL (0-2-0) vs. CHRIS BENOIT (2-3-0) (with Woman)
Given that Kevin Sullivan gets to pad his win/loss record by
fighting the finest group of losers ever assembled in one building, it’s only
fair Benoit gets to do the same. And Pearl should be easy pickins, seeing as
how he’s abandoned his wrestling career for that of an ice ballerina.
Benoit immediately goes for the Dragon suplex, but Pearl
skates his way loose with a pirouette. Tony has some concerning news: The
Steiner Brothers have been involved in a car accident. The extent of the crash
is unknown, and they’re hoping for an update on WCW Pro. Wait – that’s not
fair! I don’t have a copy of WCW Pro (because you KNOW I’d be recapping it).
Now I’ll never know what happened to them, because they certainly won’t want to
repeat themselves on multiple shows. Hrmph. I don’t even care anymore that
Benoit’s beating Pearl into a mountain of hamburger, or that he drags Billy by
the hair and makes him kneel before Woman to Show Her Respect. She claws at his
eyes, and because he fails to answer with “GIVE ME MORE MISTRESS”, it’s back to
Benoit and that’s not a good thing. Pearl tries to put Benoit in an inside
cradle, and he’s immediately hit with a release Dragon suplex for his
insolence. Benoit applies the Crossface, which is the debut of that move, and
Pearl taps quickly at 4:10. *1/2
HIGH VOLTAGE (1-3-0) vs. HARLEM HEAT (6-1-2) (with Sista Sherri)
Dusty’s delighted to see High Voltage, who are “on a roll
lately”. THE PUBLIC ENEMY look on
from the crowd, and I’ll give them credit for dedication to their craft, seeing
as how they fly out to and buy tickets to every single show they’re not booked
on. Stevie hits Rage with a bicycle kick, and all of 4 seconds into this match
he’s run through his entire moveset. Booker comes in and takes a powerslam. Stevie
re-enters, and he lifts Kaos in the air as Booker flies over top of his brother
with a Harlem Sidekick for the win at 3:26.
Dusty calls Harlem Heat “The Faces of Fear” which is offensive to African
Americans, Samoans, and me. 1/2*
VILLANO 4 (1-0-0) vs. JEFF JARRETT (7-0-0)
Dusty thinks that Jarrett’s “infectuated” with Debra
McMichael. I hope he doesn’t try to start an “afar” with her. Rhodes also gives
Jarrett his stamp of approval for the Horsemen, and considering Dusty *hates*
the Horsemen, that should give you all the reasons you need NOT to put him in
the group. I considered briefly that he anticipated that they’d ignore his
advice, and that he’s using reverse psychology, but assuming Dusty’s thoughts
extend beyond whatever’s flowing out of his mouth is giving him far too much
credit. Villano almost scores an upset with a powerslam. A swandive misses, and
Jarrett POINTS TO HIS HEAD! If intelligence was measured by log rolls and Fargo
struts, Jeff Jarrett would be spending his nights debunking Stephen Hawking,
and using John Nash’s research as toilet paper. A DDT gets 2. A standing
vertical suplex has Jarrett self-fellating, but his cockiness gets him rolled
up for 2. That’s all Villano’s getting I’m afraid, because a single leg atomic
drop sets up the Figure Four, and Jarrett wins again at 4:34. *
Jarrett heads into LEE
MARSHALL
’s personal locker room, and wants to talk Superbrawl. He says that
ever since Flair knighted him 6 months ago, a group of jealous Horsemen have
tried to knock him down. At Starrcade, he bested Benoit. A few weeks ago on
Nitro, he knocked off Anderson. That leaves Mongo, and when he does, he expects
to become a part of the most elite group in wrestling history.
PRINCE IAUKEA (no data in 1997) vs. HUGH MORRUS (5-2-0) (with
Jimmy Hart)
Tony calls Iaukea a man who’s made quite a name for himself
in WCW. That name, of course, is Jobber, because he’s never won a match, and
the only TV time he gets anymore is under the hood as Cheetah Kid (0-3-0). He’s
also awful, and *nobody* is clamouring for a Prince push, so let’s just squash
him and release him immediately. He has NO reason to be on Nitro this week.
NONE! I do NOT want to see him booked on Nitro under any circumstances. Are
we all clear on this? Morrus starts running him over with clotheslines – and
one of them winds up hitting the camera lens and leaving a fairly impressive
fist print. Morrus misses an avalanche, and Prince comes off the top with a
Superfly Splash … for 2. Prince tries a forward roll, but Morrus just faceplants
him. A long beating ensues, and fight as Prince may, he can’t get anything
going. A spinning heel kick rocks the tiny man, and No Laughing Matter
connects. Morrus refuses to pin his prey, rolling Prince on top of himself and
getting his own foot on the ropes at the 2 before laughing his ass off. Finally
he rolls over and gets the pin at 3:54.
You know who Prince looks NOTHING like? Rocky Maivia. It’s best we not waste
time trying to compare them. In fact, let’s just stop talking about Prince
Iaukea before WCW gets any crazy ideas. *
KONAN (6-1-1) (with Jimmy Hart) vs. EDDIE GUERRERO (5-3-2) (for the WCW United States heavyweight title)
Speaking of crazy ideas, let’s not get Konan back in the US
title mix. Konan, always a scumbag, attacks before the bell and screams about
Mexico. Eddie fires back with a rana, but Konan rolls to the floor and catches
him as he tries to follow. Eddie’s whipped into the guardrail, and slammed face
first in the ringsteps. “DUNGEON OF DOOM LOCOS!” Oh. Back in, the tumbleweed
gets 2, and Konan goes to his trademark: the chinlock. After about an hour,
Eddie gets out, but Konnan catches him with Splash Mountain … for 2! Konan’s
not mad though, he still has Mexico to scream about, which is his equivalent of
hulking up. An avalanche misses, and Eddie pounds away at the kidneys. A
spinning heel kick gets 2, and even though he gets up first, Konan dropkicks
Eddie quickly. A full nelson has Eddie flailing helplessly, and he accidently
clips the referee. Jimmy jumps on the apron, and swings the megaphone … but
he pops Konan by mistake! Eddie hits the Frog Splash, and Jimmy runs in for the
DQ at 4:56. These guys are a total
bore together. 1/2*

With a quick reminder to watch The Pro tomorrow for updates
on the Steiner Brothers, Tony signs us off for another week.