This has nothing to do with the WWE

Before the show, Jobber has the Job Mob carry in a bag full of empties as they are not about fucking up the environment. Murph puffs his blunt and blows it in the face of security as Zanatude has all of the Six Man Titles. 

We’re backstage with Bayless and the rest of the Administration in the GM’s office. The entire roster is in the ring, watching on the BOD tron. Bill Ray is noticeably absent as Bayless speaks. 

GM Bayless: Ladies and Gentlemen, feast your eyes on the BOD roster! Outside of those Riverdale punks, everyone is here tonight, as we’re ever closer to BODMania II, which will be the greatest BODMania of all time! Right, Justice Gray? (Justice Gray looks up from shining Bayless’s Nikes and nods vigorously.) Now, Bill Ray and Rockstar Gary are off training for that sniveling coward, Robert Davis; we’ll check in with them later. (He scans the crowd of wrestlers) Where the hell is DBSM?

Justice Gray: There’s a Silver Spoons marathon on tonight. He’s apparently hosting Alfonso Ribeiro and that dude who guest-starred on Different Strokes as the bicycle shop owner who molested kids; I think they’re having nachos.
GM Bayless: Silver Spoons, huh? 
Justice Gray: Yup.
GM Bayless: Erin Gray was hot, man. 
Justice Gray: Yup.

GM Bayless: But as for BODMania II, I have to fill up the remaining matches on this dream card. So, tonight, we’re going to fill spots left and right! We’ll have a Bodaciously Blended tag match tonight – random partners will be chosen! The winners will go to the Money on the Table match, the losers will face each other next week to see who gets a spot in the Officer Farva Memorial Battle Royale! More spots will be filled as we rocket towards BODMania II! Thank you very much!

But the first two men that will be part of the Money on the Table Ladder Match at BoD Mania will be…………………………HOSS!!!!!!!!!!!!…………..and……………………………………………………..The Fuj!!!!!!!!!!

Well, those are two very, very strong competitors.

And now, let’s see what took place in the Job Mob Compound this weekend!!!!!!!!!!!

Backstage, Nick Piers is signing a copy of his book for a production assistant when Steve Ferrari walks by: 
Ferrari: Oh, so you’re a writer now, huh? You have to go ahead and one-up me as I lost my job. Well, that party I threw meant I couldn’t pay my rent this month
Piers: (taken aback) Dude, I am just trying to enjoy…..
Ferrari: (Smiles) Relax, man. I was just messing around. My boss is so dumb I think he is from Pittsfield, MA. Anyway, at BoD Mania, we are retaining the titles. I will be in your corners. And next week, I have a BoD Money on the Table Qualifier match so I am hopefully get the gold. 
Piers: Yeah, man. We are all rooting for you. 
Ferrari: Cool. 

(They then walk away)

Dancin’ Devin Harris vs Mar Solo

TIME TO GIT FUN-KAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Mar Solo tries to get funky as well, but it comes off badly, like Michael J. Fox doing the Lambada. He has a pot of coffee with him from an all-night truck stop in Nebraska! It might actually be sentient! It should hold him over for the next few minutes. Jittery lockup, Solo with the Irish whip, duck by Harris, juke and jive, right, right, left, right, splits by DDH into a leg sweep! Solo down, 1,2, no. Back to their feet, DDH shucks to the left, shucks to the right, BIIIGGGG Luger elbow misses! Solo takes over with the teeth-rattling chinlock. Back to a standing position, DDH shoots Solo off the ropes, ducks underneath, LARIAT by Solo! Solo to the top rope; missile dropkick! 1,2, no! Solo picks DDH up, backs him into a corner, whip to the cross corner, DDH gets his foot up on a blind charge! DDT by DDH! FUNKAY! 1,2, NO! Now it’s DDH to the top rope looking for the frog splash; Solo gets the knees up! Both men are down! And here comes Night and X-Man. They are pouring coffee for themselves as both men struggle to get to their feet. X-Man gets up on the apron to yell at the ref as that allows Night to throw his cup of coffee in the face of Harris!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! X-Man then drops down as Harris is in pain on the mat and Solo climbs up top and hits a frog splash for the win! 

We cut to Bill Ray and Rockstar Gary, doing shot-ups – for each situp, take a shot of JD. Gary is quite drunk. Bill Ray, on the other hand, keeps staring at the Riverdale Letterman’s jacket that still hangs in the corner. 
Backstage, “Happening” Harry Broadhurst tells us a few things about himself: 
“Harry Fact #46: Harry has entered the Officer Farva Memorial Battle Royal at BoD Mania II but more importantly, is the fact that Harry Fact #1 means HARRY…….NEVER…………DOES………THE…………JOB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Jef Vinson is preparing for his match backstage as The Fuj walks by. The Fuj looks him down and nods before walking away. Wonder what that was about?

Hartkiller is WALKING~ towards the ring, when he’s stopped by Biff Kensington III. “Hey Hartkiller, good to see you! Just didn’t know if you heard, but Biscuit is going around and telling people that your match last week with Phrederic last week was not only NOT the best match he’s ever seen, he’s doing it WITHOUT tears in his eyes. Can you believe that?” Biff walks on, and Hartkiller starts to turn red with anger! 

Hartkiller vs Jose Gomez

Hartkiller hits the ring on a dead run and attacks immediately. Left, right, left, right, he’s taking Gomez to school! Off the ropes, clothesline, picks him up, swinging neckbreaker! Gomez with the reversal into the armbar, but Hartkiller slips behind him for the German suplex. Hartkiller stomps and chokes away at Gomez, picks him up, piledriver! 1,2, no! Gomez is certainly game tonight, but I might have stayed down there. Hartkiller rolls out of the ring, and goes to his jacket – what does he have there? It’s a Tony Garea paper mask! My God, it’s so lifelike! He puts the paper mask over Gomez’s face. “I want to hear you scream for mercy, just like your brother Johnny will be screaming for mercy when he DIES!” What a heartless bastard! Side Russian legsweep, as it’s clear what Hartkiller is going for here – 2nd rope elbow! Stomp to the gut! Sharpshooter! Gomez taps! God dammit! Will that Hart Killer ever show any respect to the legendary Sir Tony Garea
And heeeeere’s Miss Diagnosis with the test results for Kaptain Kiwi…..on the Danimal Report!
“Sup, homes. I’m gonna shoot straight with allya, I’m sitting here with some Little Caesar’s bacon-wrapped pizzas and I really couldn’t give shit one if someone came up and cut off my johnson while I’m in this sweet, dizzying food coma of meat I’ve stuffed in my face all at once. Anyways, Tits Mcgee over here is gonna handle some of my meat after I tell you all that that fruit guy, Kiwi, is good to go for the Mania thing. So suck on that, while she sucks on this. Danimal out.”
In the ring, Hartkiller throws a tantrum. It looks like it’s going to be Hartkiller against Kaptain Kiwi at BODMania after all; huge ‘Avenge Garea’ chant starts in the crowd, and Hartkiller gets even angrier, as he clutches the B+ title!

In the ring, Dock Muraco is yelling about wanting to wrestle in **** matches as Wade Michael Meltzer is holding up a sign that reads “**1/2.” Dock starts yelling some more but all of a sudden the lights go out. The crowd gasps then we see a trail of mist pass by. The lights then come on and BY GAWD ITS THE STRANGER!!!!! THE STRANGER IS BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! All of the old ladies in the front row are passing out with joy. The children, those poor children who were without a leader and a hero, are now turning their frowns upside down. Dock mutters “Nakamura doesnt have to put up with this bullshit” as he walks away. Stranger has the mic: 

“As I was home, reading Tommy Hall’s entire e-book collection, something happened. As I knocked over the plate that carried my donair, I looked up and noticed an empty spot on my mantle. It was the spot that was filled by the BoD Writer’s Championship. And instead of being sad, I became determined. I did not want to let down the Little Strangers. Who can they look up too? The Job Mob? Hoss? Hart Killer? And even worse, Matt Perri and Miss Danielle? So I have returned. I have returned so I can take that title back. To keep it away from the likes of Matt Perri and others. I cant live in that world. So, at BoD Mania, the BoD Writer’s Championship is coming back to the mantle!

And to my geriatric vixens, sorry but I am married. But if you ever need help crossing the street or getting that box of fiber cereal from the top shelf of the supermarket, I will be there. And to the kids, remember, ask your mom before ordering a whole Papa John’s Pulled Pork Pizza for yourself. A kid should not be operating heavy machinery like that by himself.”

The lights go back off as a trail of mist appears.  

Backstage, ‘Marvelous’ Matt Perri and Miss Danielle are pacing in their locker room, the Writer’s title over his shoulder. They are outraged as to what they just saw. Let’s hear their thoughts: 

Perri: What? What do you want? Yeah, fine, so Stranger’s back. So what? He sucks. He’s always sucked. So does this show. You want me to tell you why this show sucks? Because I’ll do that! I’ll write 5000 words on why this show was a piece of garbage and you’ll all comment on it like sheep and some of you will tell me to be nice, blah, blah, blah. You want nice, get Andy PG back. I’m here to tell you why everything that you like sucks ass, and I won’t rest until I do, because that makes me the best damn writer in the entire BOD, and this (He points to the title) proves it. Steamboat/Savage? Choreographed and overrated. Hell, even Steamboat agrees. Punk/Cena? ***** for a cartoon character and a quitter? Please. They messed up a back body drop in that match and the booking ended up sucking in hindsight. Michaels/Taker? If I wanted to watch a bunch of senior citizens wrestle, I’d actually remember what retirement home my grandfather is in and just visit him instead. Bring it on, Stranger. You’ve never produced a good piece of writing in your entire life, you don’t deserve this title. I deserve it, because I’m ‘Marvelous’ Matt Perri, and I’m the only one brave enough to tell you that everything sucks. Come on, Danielle. Let’s go to IHOP. Why IHOP? Because Denny’s sucks!

Let’s go to the GM’s office, where GM Bayless is holding the Bodaciously Blended Ball drawing. Justice Gray picks out a ball and hands it to Bayless. 

GM Bayless: Remember, the winners of this match will be entered into the Money on the Table match! The losers will have to fight it out to make it into the Farva Battle Royale! Our first competitor in the match tonight is….John Petuka! And his tag team partner….(chuckles) Kbjone! And their opponents will be…..Cultstatus! And his tag team partner will be…..(Bayless starts laughing uncontrollably, and hands the paper to Justice Gray, who reads it aloud)..Abeyance! 

Meanwhile, back with Bill Ray and a now passed out Rockstar Gary. Ray gets up and walks over to the Letterman’s jacket, strokes the sleeve….and shakes his head ‘no’ furiously! He goes over to get his baseball bat, and starts striking the jacket over and over! THE LIGHTS GO OUT! We hear the voice of Robert Davis: 

RD: You know it’s inevitable, Bill Ray. You know you belong with us. Don’t make me cripple you at BODMania….join the Riverdale Covenant. 

The lights go back on! Bill Ray gets his wits about him, and shakes his head….what’s that spray-painted on the lockers? “STACKHOUSE LIVES” Bill Ray’s eyes go wide and he backs away from the jacket slowly….

Stuart Chatrock and Murph vs Slip Karstens & Bop Watkins & Skip “The Skipper” Tisdale

Chatrock has THE STICK~! “We were told we had to be at Raw this week, but once we saw who we were facing, we told Zanatude to go ahead and go to dinner early. Hey Adam Curry, how’s that leg doing?”
Indeed, this is exactly the slaughter that one would expect. Murph and Chatrock hit a double team power bomb on Slip and toss him back into the corner, where he tags Bop and rolls out. Bop charges right into a double dropkick and a double DDT. They throw HIM into the corner, and Skip gets into the ring hesitantly, which doesn’t help him in the slightest – beatdown results in a superplex/top rope splash combo for the pin. After the match, Chatrock and Murph do the ‘Going Sizzler’ dance from White Men Can’t Jump.

Meanwhile, Zanatude is having his dinner served to him in 3 different courses, using the six-man titles as plates. Cabspaintedyellow bursts in.
Cabs: “We deserve a rematch, tude.”
Zana: “Cry about it. You had your chance. Besides, these are SIX-man titles. As I recall, you’re down a man after he….took the stairs.
Cabs: “You think so, huh? I talked to Curry – he’ll be ready for Mania.”
Zana: “He won’t be ready to cross the street without wheels underneath him, Cabs. Take Mania off. Enjoy the nightlife, or something. (To the waiter) Put more shrimp on that belt, will you?”
Cabspaintedyellow stalks out, muttering under his breath. Zantude smiles and calls for more brie.

We’re back in Bayless’ office, and we see Bill Ray exiting, with Bayless patting him on the back. He turns to Justice Gray “You seen Baker?” “Last I saw him, he was talking to some 9 year old kid in a Cena t-shirt, explaining that Vince is the top and Lesnar is the bottom because Lesnar is a lazy fuckwad, why?” “Get him for me.”

In the locker room, Tommy Hall opens up his locker and his eyes open wide in amazement as he finds a Bryant Stith throwback complete with a 1993 Denver Nuggets warmup suit. Wow, how’d that get in there?

Jef Vinson d. The Brazilian Psycho

Both guys shake hands before the match. Vinson gets the best of TBP on the mat then works him over in the corner. TBP reverses an Irish whip then follows that with a leg lariat. TBP hits a catatonic into a backbreaker as he surprisingly has control of the match. TBP goes up top for a flying body press but Vinson decks him with an uppercut in midair. Wow. Vinson then picks up TBP and hits the TKO for the win. He picks up TBP and congratulates him afterwards then all of a sudden, the camera cuts to Jobber, who has apparently left to go hang out in the champagne room at the Cellular Twat. Here is what Jobber has to say: 

“I like you Jef. You like whores like this (points at a few skanks in the background). But what I don’t like is your self-righteous lifestyle. Straight Free is lame, bro. Hold on (looks at an employee) you cant fooll me pal! This is prepackaged guacamole on a plate. (Jobber then slams it on the ground and stomps it into the carpet). Back to you Jef. See, I once dealt with someone who shared your beliefs. And I didnt care for him or how it ended. He went into business for himself. And that is not what I need. And you facing me at BoD Mania is not what I need either. Who are you anyway? What sort of star-quality do you have anyway? You have no clout at the BoD. You can be a star at Inside Pulse and carry them so they can fill up bingo halls and rec centers but in the BoD, you are 1996 Marc Mero. We like the girl, not you. Now, next week, I am contractually obliged to show up and oddly enough, it is for the contract signing. So, my attorney, Zanatude, and myself will be there. Hopefully you and some skank from a Big Sean video have the decency to show up as well. Until then, live a little man. You owe it to yourself to have a beer and maybe take a pill after that kid hit you with a backbreaker.”

Vinson stares down the screen as the camera zooms in close.

Next week, exclusive footage of Kensington Enterprises and how they spent their week in California, preparing for BoD Mania II and participating in the “We Kinda, Sorta Care” BoD Charity. 

We’re backstage with Cultstatus, who is taping his fists and preparing, when Abeyance approaches. “Hey, Cult? Hey. Was just wonder-” Cult cuts him off. “Listen, I don’t like you. You may not like me, but I don’t care. You’re a joke and you’ve always been a joke. Just do me a favor tonight and stay out of my way, because the last thing I want to have to waste my time doing is kicking your ass.” Cult stalks off, Abeyance staring a hole in his back. That match is NEXT!


The Upper Midcard Express vs Cultstatus & Abeyance

Petuka and Kbjone come out happy and smiley, a far cry from the last time we saw them. Petuka’s got the mic: 

“Me and KB are FINALLY back on the same page! And I couldn’t be happier. Bring on these idiots, because the UMX IS going to the Money on the Table match, where ‘I’ will win it all!” Kbjone gives him the side-eye at that.

Here comes Cult and Abeyance, who walk out separately, Abeyance still staring at Cult as he walks in front of him. It looks like Cult and Petuka will start the match, and here we go. They circle each other, and lock up with the collar and elbow, Petuka with the armbar, Cult reverses, shoots him off, Cult with the shoulderblock! Cult stands tall in the middle of the ring as Petuka scurries over and makes the tag to Kbjone. Lockup, Kbjone with the headlock, takes him over, Cult floats him over for the pin, 1,2, no! Still in the headlock, back to their feet. Cult shoots him off, leapfrog, lariat by Cult! Cult picks him up and sends him to the corner. Blind charge misses, Kbjone with a strike! A second. Kick to the gut, suplex! 1,2, no! Kbjone goes over the corner and SLAPS ABEYANCE! LIKE A BITCH~! Abeyance tries to get in the ring, the referee sends him out, and here’s the double team for Cult. Double Gutbuster! Double suplex! Petuka now in the match and he slaps on the chinlock. Abeyance SCREAMING for the tag as Cult tries to get to his feet. Elbow by Cult! Another! A third….and a yank of the hair sends Cult back down to the mat! Petuka grapevines the leg and pulls Cult back over to his corner and tags in Kbjone again. Kbjone leaps in over the top rope with a splash! 1,2, no! Choking by Kbjone as Petuka eggs him on. Abeyance is STILL screaming for the tag, but there’s a long way for Cult to go.Kbjone sends Cult into the other corner, but he eats boot on the charge! Cult EXPLODES out of the corner with a lariat! DDT by Cult! He collapses! Both wrestlers are down! Can Cult make the tag? He gets to his feet and IGNORES Abeyance, picking Kbjone up himself! It looks like Cult is going to do it alone! Abeyance is in disbelief for a moment, then resumes yelling at Cult to make the tag. Cult goes over to Kbjone – CHOP BLOCK by Kbjone! Cult’s knee buckles, and it looks like there’s a sparkle in Petuka’s eye! Kbjone grabs Cult by the injured leg and tags in Petuka. Uh-oh, this could be ugly.Petuka circles Cult, who still is ignoring the existence of Abeyance screaming for the tag. Petuka with a shot to Cult’s knee. He sweeps Cult’s leg and grapevines it on the mat. Knee crusher! Stomp to the knee, Petuka poses! Petuka jumps over the top rope and pulls Cult to the corner, he wraps the leg around the post! Again! Petuka is going to work on that knee like he owns it! Back in, and Petuka brings Cult back down with a drop toehold, working a leglock and taunting Abeyance on the apron, who has quieted down considerably. Cult starts to move towards the ropes, and Petuka brings him back to the center of the ring, looking for the Texas Cloverleaf! Puts his legs through, and Cult WALLOPS him on the side of the head with a right hand! Petuka shakes it off, but Cult’s back to one leg, hopping up and down, and he catches Petuka with the spinning back elbow! Both wrestlers are down! Cult finally crawls towards the corner, towards Abeyance, who’s reaching for the tag……he withdraws the hand! Abeyance hops down from the apron! HE GIVES CULT THE FINGER! Cult’s eyes go wide, he struggles to his feet….Petuka has made his tag! Here comes Kbjone with another chop block! Cult goes down in pain, and here’s the Figure 4 leglock! Cult tries for the ropes, but to no avail! The ref calls for the bell as Cult passes out – the UMX are going to the Money on the Table match!! Petuka and Kbjone are celebrating in the middle of the ring, and all looks right again in the world of the UMX.

At the top of the ramp, Abeyance smirks and calls for a mic. 

Abeyance: “Cult? Cult? Wake up, Cult. I got a few things to say, Cult, and I want you and all the BOD to hear it, so WAKE YOUR ASS UP! (Cult stirs) Ever since I came to the BOD, I tried to play nice with all of you! I tried to be the positive guy, the one who gave everyone the compliments, and every one of you think you can walk all over Abeyance! Get something straight, all you BOD wannabes, I am the GREATEST upvoter in BOD history! The greatest! No one, and I mean no one, had the surgical precision to hit that upvote like ME! But who do you want? You want these people like Cultstatus, a contrarian Dougie wannabe, right? You think you can just interrupt and ignore me, Cult? Fat chance. You want some idiotic authority figure knockoff like Bayless, right? You don’t want anything original. You want ME. You want someone to upvote your dumbass ideas like a vapid Diva, right? So I played your little game, BOD. I played along, like a good little boy. And I got my own talk show. I got a title shot! You would think I’d be happy, wouldn’t you, BOD? Well, I’m not. 

I got SCREWED out of my title shot, and never got my rematch! Who do you think I am, Daniel Bryan? When it came time for you all to care about Abeyance, and what Abeyance needed, what Abeyance wanted, what Abeyance EARNED, no one in the BOD cared. Except for Cult, who took every shot he could like the bully he is; how are you doing now, Cult? How’s that knee there, Cult? Looks like the UMX tried to take that thing home with them; we’ll see if you can walk to the ring next week so I can kick your ass.

So let me tell you something, BOD. I don’t care who wins at BODMania. I don’t care if it’s you, Jobber, or if it’s you, Vinson. I don’t care if Bayless keeps his job, I don’t care if Matt Perri keeps his piece of tin, I am coming to GET MY TITLE. And I’m gonna defend it wherever I want, whenever I want. I may take it over to 411Mania. I may stop by Inside Pulse, or Online Onslaught. Hell, I may even put in an appearance at NO PANTS PROVIDED. But I will do all of that WITH the BOD World Title in tow. 

Remember my talk show, BOD? Well, they called it ‘Welcome to the BOD’ – here’s where I DROP THE MIC. 

Welcome to the era….of Abeyance. 


I mean, Abeyance winning the title. Not the title being IN Abeyance. You know, me. Being the champion.”

(Abeyance meekly drops the mic. Cultstatus is back to one leg and is seething in the middle of the ring, eyes about to pop out of his head.)

BoD Mania II Card

Jef Vinson vs. Jobber (c) for the BoD World Title
Kaptain Kiwi vs. Hart Killer (c) for the BoD Solid B+ Player Title
Stranger in the Alps vs. “Marvelous” Matt Perri (c) for the BoD Writer’s Title
Biscuit vs. DBSM (c) for the BoD C-List Title
Curtzerker vs. Midcard Mafia (c) for the BoD Tag Team Titles
Cultstatus vs. Abeyance
BoD Money on the Table Match (Fuj, Hoss, kbjone, John Petuka)
Officer Farva 30 Man Memorial Battle Royal