- Eva Marie and Jon got married in what was, technically, a vow
as they had originally eloped so she could have a special day for her
Dad…and then proceeded to have a sexy, backless wedding dress with a
huge cut out for cleavage and hips. She also wore a black wig so she
how her dad would remember her. I’m surprised she
didn’t dance a tango with her Dad. (MATT: Or Fandango…that would have been fitting.)
- Brie, her brother JJ and
their Mom had a talk with John Cena in order to get him to leave Nikki if he
really didn’t’ want marriage. At the episode’s end, he looked like he was
going to ask her for a break.
- Natalya and TJ fought a lot,
could barely stay in the same hotel room and TJ even stupidly asked if
he could have a final fling.
get? How much will TJ mope? Will Eva Marie continue to be happy? For
this review, Matt is by my side as usual but we’ve brought back the
great Tania Pereira to help us out!
SAN DIEGO, CA
Brie asks how his physical therapy was. He says it went all right. Brie
tells him about Cena cutting it off with Nikki. Cena apparently didn’t
mention Brie or the conversation with the Bella family. Daniel tells
Brie it’s time to come clean and tell Nikki why John split with her.
Brie says “honesty would make it worse”. (MATT: “Worse”?! Holy shit. Are we really pretending Nikki won’t watch this later?)
and Eva try to act like Rosa doesn’t work there to get here in trouble
for coming backstage. (MATT: Even more amusing – Cameron and Eva acting like best friends.) Brie talks merch and fans with Joe Hickey, Manager of Talent Merchandise. (MATT: I can safely says that this probably the closest Joe’s probably ever come to having sex with a woman.) He
tries to weigh in on her issue with meeting fans — except John Cena
walks in to interrupt, so Brie just totally cuts him off like she’s
running the red carpet at the Oscars. Brie wants to know why Cena didn’t
mention the family meeting. (TANIA: YOU ASKED JOHN TO KEEP THE INTERVENTION A SECRET LAST EPISODE, YOU IDIOT!)
Cena: “I don’t like throwing people under the bus.” Brie:
“Uh…wow…uh, thanks for that.” Brie tells the camera that John’s a
good man for not making this a bigger mess. (MATT: If she doesn’t
want a big mess, why is she asking Cena for answers?! OMG…this is
already the worst episode of the series…) Cena explains to Brie that it the marriage thing was a “huge elephant in the room” and that Nikki needs to think about things.
She says she’s been wrestling “as a fetus” because she came out of her
Mom, a fighter. Nattie has Steph’s “Fit Series” for some reason and the
two both squeal about working out together. (MATT: Gratuitous advertising.) Paige is concerned about Nattie and TJ. She invites Nattie to a party so that she can get her mind off things.
admits to Brie that she drank a lot last night: two whole bottles of wine and can’t sleep. (TANIA:
You know what would be awesome? A drinking game where we drink every
single time they do.) (MATT: We wouldn’t make it through “Previously on
Total Divas”.) Brie tells her that isn’t good to drink so much and that she can’t bear to hear her like this. (TANIA: Only because Brie’s the reason she feels like this.) So, they go for a shit-ton of donuts. (MATT: Wine? Bad. Obesity is a much better option.) They eat in the car as Nikki says “donuts make the pain go away”.
says she doesn’t really party and she may be “single” but she isn’t
“ready to mingle”. Paige says she can’t wait to party with Nattie and
says it’s time to get “White Girl Wasted”.
The “party” is inside an apartment that looks like the only thing a recently-divorced spouse could afford.
(MATT: And the guests include…)
|(MATT: …White Trash Fandango…)|
|(MATT: …your weird, lecherous Uncle Steve…)|
|(MATT: …Corey Hart Dudley…)|
|(MATT: …drunken selfie chick…)|
|(MATT: …and Calvin Klein model Wade Barrett.)|
yacks with Fandango and then eats a brownie while complaining to the
camera that this isn’t “her scene” because “there’s a guy with no shirt
on.” (TANIA: So, Nattie’s comfort level is obliterated by a guy from a summer pool party?) Nattie,
Fandango and Paige all chat it up in the corner and Paige asks Nattie
if the brownies she’s eating are good. Nattie says they’re a bit dry.
Paige replies that it doesn’t matter because they’ll make her “feel
happy” in a few moments. Nattie doesn’t get what Paige is trying to
construe and says that she’s “happy, happy, joy, joy!” Paige chuckles
and says, “But, really, there’s drugs in the brownies.” Nattie turns
green and runs to the bathroom where she barfs up the brownies and
tosses what’s left in her hand into the toilet. Nattie’s not happy and
tells the camera that “WWE drug tests all the time.” She claims to feel dizzy and tells Paige she needs to leave now. (TANIA: Hilarious. Only Nattie could feel worse while she was high.)
Nattie makes Paige swear to keep this all a secret. (MATT: Ha, ha! Yeah! Keep it on the “down-low”! Because WWE doesn’t produce this show and they won’t ever watch what their own cameramen film or anything that they air. Let’s just keep this a “secret“!)
tells JJ and Mama Bella that he has to keep napkins near him at all
times when he eats because “food gets caught in my beard”. Mama Belle’s
really impressed by this.
|(MATT: “Well…at least he’s not thinking about using the napkin as a tampon…”)|
Brie oddly segues from how crazy beard food is to how crazy the Nikki/John situation is and that they need to discuss it. (MATT: Quick! Let’s fix something we worked so hard to fuck up!) She realizes that John’s really a “good guy” after all. (TANIA: “Just not good enough for Nikki. Ha! Let’s break them up again.”) Mama Bella magically sheds any blame and declares this “their mission”. JJ: “OUR mission…” Brie says JJ pressured her into doing it. (TANIA: Nope. It was all your idea, sweetie.)
JJ can’t believe what he’s hearing and says that everyone is
backtracking. Brie tells the camera that she feels like she did the
wrong thing. (TANIA: You did.) She says she doesn’t know if it’s wrong. (MATT: It is.) Mama
Bella says it’s time to man up and tell Nikki everything. JJ says they
already made a decision and nobody can stick to it. Brie: “It’s all
about what YOU want.” (TANIA: SHE WANTED IT TO HAPPEN AND TALKED HER FAMILY INTO IT!!! HOLY SHIT!!!) Mama Bella’s had enough: Nikki will know everything, come hell or highwater because their family doesn’t keep secrets. (MATT: Only Nattie does that, guys.)
wants to talk about last night. Also, she told Emma all about it.
Nattie tells the camera that this is bad because WWE is very strict and
bars certain cold medicines. Nattie asks how she was last night. Paige
tells her she was pretty wild. Nattie loudly declares that she’s “never
had pot before”. (MATT: In front of the entire gym. And Emma. And the camera. Despite wanting to “keep it a secret”. Oh, this show…) Paige
says she was relaxed. Nattie isn’t having this and says she’s gonna
“Google Marijuana side effects” while Emma looks on, absolutely stunned.
Nattie says it stunts movement, makes you panic and hurts your immune
system — which frightens her because she “already has a cold”. (TANIA: What, did she click on “GodHatesMarijuana.com”?!) Paige looks concerned. Nattie says she’s feeling dizzy, then tells Paige to feel her skin because it’s cold and clammy. (MATT: Totally not side effects from her cold.) Paige: “Well, yeah…you’re on a treadmill…” Nattie tells the camera that she never wants to be called a stoner.
Senior Director of Talent Relations, Mark Carrano, addresses all the
Divas. He says SummerSlam will have two Divas matches this year. Brie
will have a match vs. Stephanie and the other one will be the Divas
Championship match. Brie tells the camera that her match will be the
“highest point” of her career.
Mama Bella’s House
Bella Twins and JJ are at Mom’s house. Kathy makes Mac & Cheese
like they’re 12. Her Mom tells them that they don’t look like they’ve
been starving. Nikki asks her Mom if she’s implying that they’re fat. (TANIA: Time for another intervention…) (MATT: “Nicole…we’re concerned about Silicon and whether it’s healthy for you…”) Nikki gets a text from John. Apparently, he’s off to Tampa (MATT: To fuck Rosa now that he’s single.) and wants her to stay in San Diego for a while (TANIA: So he can move on to Summer once he’s done with Rosa.) and wants to see if Nikki can survive. (MATT:
Especially when she finds out that he had a threesome with both women
after they figured out that Cena was two-timing them.) Kathy tells
Brie that she needs to “show Brie something”, pulls her into a hallway
and says it’s time to lower the boom on Nikki.
tells Nikki everything. Nikki cannot believe that Brie and the family
took Cena to lunch and did this. Brie (with a straight face and dramatic
music): “It was breakfast…” (MATT: “Oh my god…you guys discussed this over pancakes???”) (TANIA: We have 40 more minutes of this bullshit, and I already know who I wanna punch.) Brie
and JJ defend their positions and tell her that Nikki wants what she
can’t have. Nikki says it still doesn’t matter. They had no right to do
what they did, regardless of the way she felt about things. They
shouldn’t have taken John to lunch. Brie: “Breakfast.” (MATT: Get the facts straight, Nikki. You’re out of your element here.) Nikki
claims she is
happy 99% of the time with him. JJ says that Cena needs to know the
facts. Nikki: “HE KNOWS THE FACTS! I’VE TOLD HIM!” Nikki’s had enough
and storms out of the house. Brie reminds her that she drove Nikki here.
Nikki doesn’t care.
JJ and Brie follow her and says that they did this for her. (TANIA: Sure! We did this for you and I backpedaled and blamed it on JJ…but we did it for you!) JJ
and Brie argue inside the house while Nikki and her Mom argue outside.
JJ says that it’s too late to back out of this. Brie says it isn’t too
late because they never should have done it. Nikki has called a cab.
Mama Bella says we all need to discuss this. Nikki gets in her cab as
Brie tries to talk her out of leaving. Nikki cracks the window to give
her the finger and then rolls it back up. (TANIA: Brie isn’t even worth giving the finger to.)
The couple toasts with wine. John says that Brie had told him that he should let Nikki go. (MATT: Technically, it was JJ with Brie as an accomplice, but we’ve already had Nattie get high on pot brownies, so whatever.) Nikki says she hates Brie and never wants to deal with her again.
Divas arrive for RAW. Titus is hanging backstage, eating cookies. Rosa
gives him a hug and Paig and Emma are in tow. Paige says all she’s done
lately is stuffed her face with donuts, so she doesn’t need to eat
chocolate. For some reason, Titus thinks this is a sexual innuendo,
opening the door right up for Rosa, who caresses Titus’s shoulder and
calls him “Sexual Chocolate”. Titus mocks her laugh and tells Rosa not
to touch him in a slightly disturbing moment. A woman from HR shows up
and wants to take Emma for a drug test and Emma goes with her. Paige
tells the camera that Nattie’s gonna explode when she finds out that WWE
is drug-testing today. (MATT: Marijuana might help her to rela–oh, wait…)
and Nattie get a call from HR. Cameron puts it on speaker. HR says they
are doing drug testing. Nattie is freaking out and claims that HR is
“looking for them”. Nattie says she has no idea what to do. She tells
Cameron about the pot brownies. (MATT: We need to do a shot each time
Nattie tells somebody not to tell anyone something — then says it
outloud to a dozen people in a room or reveals it to somebody herself.)
Nattie starts plotting, saying that she could lie about being on the
same flight as Cameron. Cameron: “Nah, girl…I wanna get to the arena.”
Nattie cuts people off, then says that she’s got it: she’s gonna make
it look like they got into a car accident. (MATT: This is like Reefer Madness, only it’s kinda goofy…) Cameron’s panicking as Nattie pulls into an alley and lightly dings a metal dumpster. (TANIA: Good job, Nattie! WWE will never know the true reason behind your absence even though they FUCKING FILMED IT, YOU IDIOT.) Cameron is beside herself as Nattie sits there, actually waiting for the airbags to “go off”. Cameron
wants to know what was going through her head as Nattie starts
apologizing to a local shop owner. Nattie says she now has an excuse to
go to the ER. Cameron basically calls her a moron and tells her that
Weed stays in your system for 30 days. (MATT: …and thanks for playing, “EVERYONE IS SMARTER THAN NATTIE”!!! *APPLAUSE*) Nattie finally resigns herself to the fact that Cameron’s right and gets back into the car. Then she tells Cameron to “not to tell anyone about this”. (MATT: Again…ON…FUCKING…CAMERA…) (TANIA: Seriously, I don’t think I have anything left. I don’t think anything can top this episode.) (MATT: Alamo Car Rental’s probably like, “Remind us never to rent to WWE again.”)
Backstage @ BJCC Arena
professional — but wants nothing to do with her outside of work. Brie just “doesn’t understand why Nikki is angry”. (TANIA:
“I mean, this is CRAZY! I fucked up, betrayed my sister’s trust, went
behind her back and nearly destroyed her relationship! I have NO idea
why Nikki is so mad!”) Brie says SummerSlam is gonna be huge for the Bella brand but Nikki is making it hard. (MATT: Nikki’s good at “making it hard”, if ya’ know what I mean.)
and Cameron arrive and greet some of the fans who are waiting to get
autographs. Nattie promises them that they’ll be out to take selfies
soon. (MATT: Which is just “not her scene”, I thought…) She
goes in to see HR Lady, who hurries her into the drug-testing room
on-site. Nattie: “Everyone needs to relax! You’re gonna get your urine!”
(MATT: That’s what I tell my guests every single time I host a fetish party…) She finds out that the results won’t be back for two weeks.
She bumps into Rosa, Paige and Emma the Mute backstage and tells them about the car accident she told Cameron not to tell anyone about.
Cameron comes by with a look on her face and Nattie
decides to exit. Cameron waits until she’s gone — then starts spilling
the true story. Nattie shows up out of the same portal the Authority
came from after Cena brought them back and tells Cameron to shut up.
Cameron says the truth will be revealed either way. Either Nattie tells
them now or SHE does. Nattie plays dumb and Cameron tells them Nattie
hit a dumpster on purpose. Nattie denies it all and Cameron tells her to
quit lying. Paige is laughing her ass off and Nattie storms off,
telling Cameron to “let it die”.
It’s all cat toys. Once this is done, Paige comes clean: there never
was any pot in the brownies. Nattie scolds her and says it’s not funny
and that she “got into a car accident because of what happened.” (TANIA: YOU CREATED THE ACCIDENT, YOU DOORKNOB!)
Paige says she’s sorry and wants to pay for the damage to the car.
Paige plays with Cameron’s cats with the new toys but Nattie pushes
Paige out of the house and then talks to her cat, telling the cat that
Paige is a bitch.
tells the camera that SummerSlam is the biggest Pay-Per-View of the
year next to WrestleMania and that she’s excited to see Brie take on
Steph. Meanwhile, Nikki runs into Paige and she tells her that she gets
to turn heel on Brie tonight. She says it works out because they’re not
getting along anyhow.
Eva and Vincent watch the match from backstage. Nattie, Summer and Naomi
join the three.We get the match and heel turn with the Divas backstge,
fawning over what was one of the worst matches on the card. Steph wins.
Nikki tells the camera that the storyline was perfectly-timed.
THIS SEASON ON TOTAL DIVAS
Eva doesn’t want kids, The Bella Twins make up because fuck the
audience, and this all culminates in Rosa and Paige making out in the
hopes that ratings will finally climb out of the cellar and make their
way toward the roof again.)
HUGS AND PUNCHES
This week’s hug goes to…Nikki & John Cena: The
two of them may not be right for one another but they need a chance to
try. On top of that, nobody should be getting into the middle of
This week’s punch goes to…Paige & Nattie: Paige’s
joke was immature and ill-timed and she should have told Nattie the
truth a lot sooner. Of course, it doesn’t help that Nattie’s an idiot
and should have just told WWE the moment she knew what happened.
Instead, she got into a car wreck and acted like an idiot.
This week’s hug goes to…Paige: Oh,
Paige. Paige, Paige, Paige. How do I love thee? We can tell you’re not
taking any of this shit seriously. I just don’t give a shit because this
show is a joke and you were the perfect troll. Also, it was nice to see
you destroy Nattie who has become the biggest jackass this show (and
company) has ever seen. I know, eventually, I will have to call you
“annoying”…but at least we’ll have tonight.
Annoying Cast Member of the Week is…Nattie: Nattie
is the new Nikki. The latter just escapes the list by faking the
“victim” routine well enough. Whew…I’m not gonna repeat the reasons
why Nattie’s #1 this week in this category. The recap should provide
This week’s hug goes to…Nikki: I’m
a sucker for a love story, as silly as it’s become. Let’s face it:
Cena’s a man’s man and Nikki’s his hot little piece. They’re made to
bone. I hug Nikki because nobody needs to get in the middle of anyone’s
This week’s punch goes to…Brie & Nattie: Brie
gets a punch because of the aforementioned bullshit with her sister.
Nattie gets the punch because she’s a total and complete moron. Both
girls get DOUBLE-PUNCHED, in fact, in the vagina. Specifically centered
at the clit. And I can say that because I’m a girl. Suck it.
Er, that’s it.
into your weekend. Have a great weekend!
you to all the BoD’ers and, hey, if you wanna read more of our stuff, visit WE HATE YOUR GIMMICK at
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