The PG Era Rant: the 2014 Slammy Awards!

The PG Era Rant for the 77th
Annual Slammy Awards, December 8, 2014. Would Michael Cole lie to
us?
Live from Greenville, SC.
Your hosts are Cole, JBL, and Lawler on
Raw; Byron and A-Ry on the Pre-Show; Renee Young and Booker T on the
Pre-Show Stage; and Seth Green on the stage.

Pre-Show award winners (an asterisk
means the award was presented live):
  • Insult of the Year: The Rock
    toward Rusev/Lana*
  • Fan Chant: “You Sold Out”
  • Double-Cross: Seth Rollins
  • Animal of the Year: The Bunny
  • Best Actor: The Rock
  • Tag Team of the Year: The Usos*
  • Who’s NXT: Sami Zayn
  • Anti-Gravity: Seth Rollins,
    Payback
  • Faction: The Shield
  • Best on Twitter: Dolph Ziggler
  • Breakout Star: Dean Ambrose*
    (absent)
  • Guest Host: Hugh Jackman
  • Couple: Daniel Bryan & Brie
    Bella
  • Rivalry: Daniel Bryan v. The
    Authority
  • Hashtag: #RKOOuttaNowhere*
    (accepted by Seth Rollins)
Tonight’s main event is John Cena
against Big Show.
Jerry Lawler introduces Seth Green to
host. I need to get that cover of Muscle & Fitness Lawler says
Green’s on. Seth says that unlike other predetermined awards shows
(I just got crushed by 400 lbs of irony), this is YOUR show. Miz and
Sandow interrupt the opening remarks to ask to be in Green’s next
project. Green, however, prefers Sandow. All this sets up the “This
Is Awesome” moment, with nominees Occupy Raw, Stephanie’s arrest,
Sting sends the Authority packing, and the Hogan/Austin/Rock beer
summit. Voting continues on the WWE App until after this match.
Dolph Ziggler v. Seth Rollins.
Rollins kicks Dolph down to start, but Dolph launches Rollins to the
apron and dropkicks him to the floor as we go to break.
For
the record, I think the right number is 64 based on what Scott posted
for 1987. Then again, the WWWF/WWF/WWE began in 1963, so the maximum
is… why am I thinking about this? Anyway, those two being out here
means it’s likely the Authority end is in the lead.
Ziggler/Rollins, continued.
Rollins stands over Dolph, but a slugfest breaks out before Rollins
gets a kneelift. Rollins with elbow smashes and a running kick for
two, then we go to the chinlock. Crowd is loudly behind Dolph, which
rallies him into getting a jawbreaker. Rollins airballs a Stinger
Splash, but Dolph doesn’t, and he follows with a Rude Awakening and
Heart Attack Elbow for two. Sky High DDT is blocked, and Rollins
goes for the buckle bomb, but Dolph with a sunset flip for two.
Superkick misses, but the Sky High DDT doesn’t, getting Dolph two.
The two duck kicks, but Rollins gets an apron enzuigiri. He goes up,
but Dolph meets him there. Rollins goes for the Murderdeathkill
powerbomb, but Dolph backdrops him off. Joey Mercury shoves Dolph
down, and the Curbstomp ends it at 7:24. This didn’t need a
commercial break mid-match. **
And
your winner of the This
Is Awesome moment of the year
is:
Sting’s debut! Then again, Sting isn’t here, but a ticked-off
Rollins is, chasing Seth Green away. Rollins says Sting cost him the
biggest win of his career and is solely responsible for eliminating
the Authority. Rollins accepts on Sting’s behalf because Rollins
believes he deserves it more.
The
New Day pose by the Slammy statues AS a Slammy statue. Funny stuff.
Kofi’s up next.
Occupy
Raw was robbed.
We
review some of the awards from earlier.
Kofi Kingston v. Stardust.
The two trade hammerlocks to start, with Stardust getting the
advantage. Kofi kicks away, but misses a blind crossbody and
Stardust with a springboard Binoic Elbow. He stomps away by the
ropes before raking the eyes. Kofi fights back, but a short elbow by
Stardust leads to a chinlock. Hairpull slam keeps Stardust in
charge, but Kofi with a kip-up rana (!!). He stops a blind charge
and begins the comeback, ending with a new variation on the Boom
Drop. Running knee in the corner and Kofi goes up, and the frog
crossbody ends it at 2:57. *1/4

Johnny
Ace introduces the nominees for Surprise Return of the year, but
first he wants People Power back. Your nominees are: Hulk Hogan,
Batista, The Rock, and Ultimate Warrior. Voting is underway! And
here’s how you get the WWE App (I thought we were done with this).
Winner to be named after the break.
So
the Game of War ads are just Evony ads in live-action, right?
And
the Surprise Return
of the Year

is: Ultimate Warrior! They play a video tribute to him.
Backstage,
Seth Rollins thanks security for letting him do everything, but Paul
Heyman finds him. Heyman’s here to accept all the Slammys for Brock
Lesnar. They remind us that if Seth Rollins beats John Cena (Seth:
“IF?”), Cena is no longer on tap to face Brock Lesnar. Does that
make Rollins next? He does have the briefcase, and therefore can
face the champ whenever he wants. And when Rollins decides to do it,
no one will see it coming. Heyman, though, has a rebuttal: Brock
Lesnar may as well be Champion for Life. Rollins can still be the
future of the WWE – which was obvious from the day Rollins took out
Lesnar at Night of Champions – but John Cena, not Brock Lesnar, is
the one in the way. If Rollins wants to be the future, he must make
John Cena the past. Rollins is hyped.
We
get a look at NXT Women’s Champion Charlotte, who… is out for a
match!? Hey now, that’s next!
I
believe this makes Ultimate Warrior the first posthumous winner of a
Slammy.
NXT Match: Charlotte v. Natalya.
This is essentially an ad for NXT R-Evolution. Charlotte’s WHOO is
as good as Ric’s. Natlaya cheks with Tyson, so Charlotte jumps her
from behind and attacks. Shoulder thrusts in the corner, but charges
hit elbow and Natalya gets a sleeper. Package jawbreaker by
Charlotte gets two. Mounted punches by Charlotte, but Natalya slaps
her and reverses a kick block to a leglock, which Charlotte in turn
reverses to a chinlock. Natalya runs into a CHOP, then dedicates the
next one to Kidd. Flair kneedrop gets two. Another one hits, but
Natalya takes advantage of some stalling and tries a Sharpshooter.
Charlotte reverses to a figure-four try, but Natalya with the inside
cradle for the pin at 2:30. Tyson Kidd celebrates like he won. Way
too short, but Charlotte looks like she could fit in. 3/4*
Presenting
the OMG Shocking Moment is… wait for it… Santino Marella. Crowd
is underwhelmed. And no, Luke Harper taking a shower doesn’t as a
shocking moment. And before you ask, yes, the Cobra is helping
present. Your nominees: Seth’s double-cross, Nikki Bella crushes her
sister, a children’s choir taunts John Cena, and the Streak ends. Go
vote!
At
NXT, Charlotte and Natalya were given 15 minutes and stole the show.
They get to Raw and it’s a 2-minute match that is background to Tyson
Kidd. As a fan of women’s wrestling, all I can say is Kevin Dunn
delenda est. I mean, would 5 or 6 minutes kill them?
And
it goes without saying that winner of the Shocking
Moment of the year

is: Brock Lesnar! Paul Heyman accepts on Brock’s behalf and says
very little.
And
now, we hear instead from Bray Wyatt. He talks about meeting Sister
Abigail for the first time – she was sitting in a rocking chair,
the same chair Bray Wyatt used, and the same chair Dean Ambrose
destroyed last week. He says Ambrose destroyed a piece of Bray Wyatt
by taking an irreplaceable part of Wyatt. So Wyatt had to get even
by taking something from Dean – his voice, on SmackDown. “Does
that shock you? Does that frighten you?” Bray is a monster, he’s
fear incarnate, and he despises everyone. He sees them only as moths
drawn to his flame, and people will be burned. And this Sunday, he
will bring hellfire from the ladder, conquering Dean Ambrose and
looking down at his mangled body as the world is not allowed to cry.
Ambrose deserves it all, that’s why. It comes in Tables, Ladders,
and Chairs. (Oh my.)
But
wait! An ambulance pulls up to the arena… and out steps Dean
Ambrose! He’s got a neck brace but is otherwise healthy. And he has
a table in the back of the ambulance, as well as ladders and chairs,
which he throws onto the ramp. And then, to make a point, he yanks
off the neck brace. He carries the ladder and chair to the ring, but
Bray Wyatt is not backing down. Ambrose throws everything into the
ring, including the ladder into Wyatt, then gets more toys and chucks
them onto Bray. In the ring, he sets up the table, but Bray bails
out (not unjustifiably so, mind you). Ambrose even offers himself
onto the table for Bray to get back in, then when Bray tries, he pegs
Wyatt with a chair.
Cole:
“What is wrong with Ambrose?”
JBL:
“Is there anything right with Ambrose?”
Dean
takes the mic – his voice has fully recovered – and promises
he’ll put Bray in the ambulance. With weapons, Ambrose is the
monster, and he promises to eat the Eater of Worlds.
Seth
Green returns (still pumped up over Dean’s antics) and introduces
Jerry Lawler to go over the Diva of the Year nominees: Brie Bella,
Paige, AJ Lee, and Nikki Bella. Voting continues on the App.
I’ve
said it before, and I’ll say it again: Dean Ambrose is the modern
Roddy Piper. Stuff like laying on the table begging for Bray to
attack proves it. He’s got that vibe.
And
the Diva of the
Year
is:
AJ Lee! (The four Divas were waiting together backstage and got
photobombed by Titus O’Neil for no reason.) She’s happy that she has
redefined “Diva” – you no longer have to be girly. She hopes
next year the winner is an NXT alumna (she names them all), because
they’re next in line for the throne… but AJ is still queen, and
will be Divas’ Champion again.
Renee
Young interviews John Cena. He talks about how Vince said people
need to step up, and how Seth Rollins was offended and will make a
statement on Sunday… but first, he has to face someone who thought
he stepped up, but proved to be a puppet. First, he’s a puppet for
HHH, then for Seth Rollins. And on Sunday, a tables match – which
can end instantly. Seth doesn’t to pin or submit John Cena (which is
good, because he can’t); but if he puts Cena through a table, Seth
steps up and Cena may have to step down. Champions wins big matches,
so it’s go big or go home for Cena. He’s going to show the world
tonight instead of tell by slamming Big Show, and then he’ll step up
on Seth Rollins. If people think he’s done, bring your lunch,
because this Sunday, the “spineless, gutless little SOB” goes
through a table.
I
dunno what’s wrong with Cena, but even when he delivers on
interviews, it sounds redundant. And while that seems to work with
Hogan and Rock, it’s not working here. It just shows he’s one step
below those guys – but we all are in the business.
Erick Rowan v. Luke Harper.
Luke Harper brings a ladder with him for grins. It’s a slugfest to
start, with Rowan getting the better of it with headbutts. Avalanche
in the corner, but Harper returns with a dropkick for one. Stomps
and Gator Roll, into a chinlock. Rowan breaks out, but walks into a
superkick for two. Rowan backdrops out of a powerbomb and unloads
with clotheslines and another Avalanche. Full nelson slam gets two.
Harper kicks Rowan away and bails, but Rowan follows to the outside
only for Harper to use the ladder for the DQ at 2:03. 1/2*

Harper
leaps off the steps, but straight into a forearm shiver by Rowan, who
sends him into the stairs with a fireman’s carry drop. Rowan tosses
the stairs into the ring, but Harper catches him only to get tossed.
Harper eats stairs and bails.
Backstage,
Naomi is celebrating the Usos’ Slammy win from earlier. Jimmy and
Naomi get cute, but Naomi reveals that she heard from Miz’s agent.
The agent is real, but Jimmy doesn’t buy it. Whatever the case,
Naomi has a screen test later this week. Jimmy will come along
because he doesn’t trust Miz, but Naomi takes this as a personal
affront because that makes perfect sense, right?
Adam
Rose and company come out for LOL Moment of the Year. Are Rose and
Bunny getting along this week? Rose wishes he was hosting (he
mutters that the people in charge are clueless) before presenting our
nominess: Mr. T’s Hall of Fame speech, WeeLC, Damien Sandow’s copycat
act, and Vickie Guerrero dunking Stephanie. App vote time!
Um…
why wouldn’t Naomi want Jimmy with her for the screen test ANYWAY? I
mean, it just makes sense that you’d want your husband there for
moral support. Instead, she takes his desire to be with her as
offensive. How does this make sense?
Before
we reveal the winner, here’s some more awards from earlier.
And
the winner for funniest
moment of the year

is: Damien San^H^H^HMizdow! Needless to say, Miz shoves Sandow out
of the way and does his speech for him. Crowd: “WE WANT MIZDOW!”
Miz: “Yes, you want Miz now!” Miz then finally gives credit to
the person who deserves it the most: his face.
Rusev
and Lana head to the ring as we learn Rusev/Swagger III is on for TLC
for the US Title. No stipulations, which doesn’t bode well for the
challenger. Lana says the real funniest moment is everything about
America. Oh, and shut up. But the real joke is the Real Americans.
This, needless to say, brings Jack Swagger out on his own with a mic.
Jack says what goes around, comes around. He promises to break
Rusev’s ankle to get even for Colter’s leg, and the war is on! Rusev
sends Swagger into the barricade, but Rusev misses the superkick and
hits the barricade instead, hurting the ankle!Swagger slams him
ankle-first into the barricade. This of course leads to the Patriot
Lock, and Rusev taps! (Once, but still.) Officials have to yank
Swagger away. Crowd begins a We The People chant as Swagger tries to
drag five refs with him to get to a hurting Rusev.
WE
THE PEOPLE. Also, Jack – I love you and all and you’ve got a great
act, but there’s a reason they gave you Dutch as a manager. Swagger
sounded like he was about to forget his lines and wanted to get them
out before he got caught up in the moment.
The
New Day will face the Dust Brothers on the TLC(S) Pre-Show.
The Usos and Ryback v. Kane, The
Miz, and Damien Sandow.

Seth Green joins commentary and is a fan of Sandow. Kane and Ryback
start, with Kane getting a headbutt. Ryback with a Thesz press and
mat slams, followed by the Stupid Splash for one. Kane clubs away on
Ryback and slams him as the crowd wants Sandow. Ryback with a diving
shoulder tackle for one, and Jimmy comes in with an axhandle to the
arm. Jey in, and he gets a sunset flip try, but Kane pulls him away
and nails an uppercut. But first, Seth Green takes a selfie. Miz in
with a headlock takedown. Miz knocks over Jey, but Jey recovers with
a hiptoss and headlock takedown of his own. (Sandow is imitating
everything Miz does, as always.) Miz with a kick in the corner, and
he and Sandow show off (crowd is on Sandow’s side). Jey avoids a
whip and chops away, which brings Sandow in to chop himself. Jey
suplexes Miz (and Sandow by proxy), then tosses Miz (and Sandow by
proxy) as we go to break.
The
real issue’s going to be how things go when Sandow eventually gets
tired and fights for himself. It’s been noted by a few of my friends
that it’s all fun until he gets in the ring, and there might be a
reason they’re keeping him on the sidelines.
#6ManTag, continued.
Kane has Jey in a chinlock. In a related note, I can finally tell
the two Usos apart. Jey escapes with a jawbreaer as we find out
Ryback did a stalling suplex on Miz (and Sandow by proxy) during the
break. Kane cuts off the hot tag and brings in Miz. Miz taunts
Jimmy, but Jey tries to fight back only to get hit with the Million
Dollar Move. Miz stomps away and knocks Jimmy off the apron before
keeping Jey from Ryback. Unsuccessfully, it turns out, as Ryback
gets in and goes to town on Miz. Spinebuster, Kane saves. The Usos
run into Kane’s goozle but escape and superkick Kane out. Jey dives
onto Kane, leaving Jimmy with Miz. Miz sends Jimmy out, but turns
around into the Meathook and Shell Shock for the pin at 9:57. Sandow
writhes in pain alongside Miz while Seth Green tries to raise
Ryback’s hand. Emphasis on tries. So the Usos hoist Green on their
shoulders. Perfectly acceptable six-man. *3/4
We
go back to the first ever Slammy Awards in 1986. And to think we’re
up to 77 now. Of course, they got to 37 by the next year, so who’s
counting?
Ricky
Steamboat comes out to present for Match of the Year. Steamboat goes
over his Matches of the Year before presenting the nominees. Your
nominees are: WM30’s main event; Cena/Wyatt Last Man Standing;
Shield/Evolution I at Extreme Rules; and the Authority’s Last Stand
at Survivor Series. Begin voting now, and after this break, we’ll
announce the winner.
Hm.
I had these matches at ****3/4, ****1/4, ****1/2, and ****1/4
respectively. So that should tell you where my vote went.
Next
week, Raw and SmackDown are live, as is the Tribute to the Troops!
And yes, I’ll be recapping the Tribute live, assuming I remember.
But
first, the Match of
the Year

is: Cena/Authority! And to accept the award, Dolph Ziggler.
Steamboat shares some private but hopefully kind words with Dolph.
Dolph promises he’s going to build on that moment. He did what
everyone else would do – entertain with all his heart when jobs
were on the line. The Slammy truly belongs to the fans!
AJ Lee v. Summer Rae.
Summer pats AJ on the head and shoves her down. This irks AJ, who
unloads with a Thesz Press but walks into a wheelbarrow slam for two.
Hammer Throw and spinkick gets two. Leg choke against the middle
rope and she gets a seated cobra clutch. “Diva of the Year, huh?”
She slams AJ down for two, and back to the cobra clutch. Crowd
chants for the most over Diva, inspiring AJ to put on the Black Widow
for the submission at 2:19. Summer Rae continues to be awful. DUD
And
in a surprise return, Rob Van Dam is back to present the nominees for
Extreme Moment. Fun bit as his chyron appears on the screen, but
without his name on it. RVD says it couldn’t be anyone else. The
nominees are: Brock Lesnar gives John Cena ALL the German suplexes;
Kane Tombstones Daniel Bryan three times in a row; Chris Jericho
dives off the cage onto Bray Wyatt; Seth Rollins puts Dean Ambrose
through “cinderblocks”.
You
know, now that I’m thinking of it, that Rollins/Ambrose street fight
deserved to be a Match of the Year contender.
But,
your Extreme Moment
of the year

is: Chris Jericho off the cage! But rather than get Jericho, we get
Fandango to accept on his behalf. He thanks Chris for losing to him
in his debut match.
Saint
Mick and Noelle give us more WWEShop stuff. (A replica Slammy goes
to Al Snow, because of course it does.)
Renee
Young is with Big Show. Show promises that he’ll be focused tonight.
He’s still mad that the fans won’t forgive his mistake. But what he
does to John Cena tonight isn’t a mistake. He’ll knock John Cena
out, and then take care of Erick Rowan, who’s out of his league. The
mistakes are theirs, not Show’s.
So
who do you suppose Scotty from Orlando is that was getting the Macho
Man DVD? Scotty Taylor? Scott Hall? Raven? Discuss if you want.
More
pre-show Slammy recapping.
And
now, Booker T will present Superstar of the Year. Your nominees are:
Brock Lesnar, Dean Ambrose, Daniel Bryan, Roman Reigns, Bray Wyatt,
John Cena, and Seth Rollins. VOTE! DO IT! DO IT NAOUGHW!
In
kayfabe, this is easy: Brock Lesnar. But that’s not how you decide
the vote.
Chris
Jericho will be your guest authority figure next week in Detroit.
And
the Superstar of
the Year

is: Roman Reigns! And he’s here to accept in person! And not via
satellite, as he himself notes. “It’s not the brass ring, but it’s
pretty damn good, and I love it.” He says he doesn’t care who is
at the top of the stairs, he’s going to step up to them. Believe
that.
I
didn’t buy into the hype before, but if that Slammy voting is legit,
then I’ll get behind Roman Reigns as Royal Rumble winner.
Main event: John Cena v. Big
Show.

We review the punch by Big Show at Survivor Series for what feels
like the 100th
time. Show with a shot to the gut to start, then works over him in
the corner. HASHTAG. Hammer Throw on Cena, and Show just stands
over him. CHOP OF DEATH misses, and Cena tries to fight back, but he
bounces off of Big Show on a shoulderblock. Show walks over Cena.
Big slam follows, then an elbowdrop for two. Repeated kicks to the
gut follow, then the CHOP OF DEATH connects. Avalanche misses, and
Cena gets a DDT. Cena runs into a Bravo Side Slam for two. Show
kicks Cena around, then dominates a slugfest and clubs Cena down.
Cena kicks Show away, but leaps into a bearhug. Cena breaks it, then
escapes a chokeslam into a sleeper. Show drops to one knee, but he
snapmares to break. Cena goes for tackles that stagger Show, then
ducks the KO Punch and lands a back suplex. Five Knuckle Shuffle
follows, but Show catches him with the goozle. Cena escapes the
chokeslam again, and he gets the AA for the pin at… no, for Seth
Rollins to race in for the DQ at 5:40. You’re protecting BIG SHOW?
1/2*
Rollins,
Noble, and Mercury beat the tar out of Cena before Rollins gets a
ladder and Noble and Mercury get a table. Rollins climbs the ladder,
threatening a Curbstomp off of it, when Dolph Ziggler races in and
tips the ladder over. Rollins bails, and security gets destroyed.
Big Show recovers and knocks Dolph and Cena both out, but this brings
out Erick Rowan. Rowan is caught from behind by Luke Harper,
allowing a double-team that sends Rowan into the stairs. Crowd wants
Ryback. Show chokeslams Rowan off the stairs (seriously, he
bounced), and now here comes Ryback. He sends Show into the post,
then Meathooks Harper in the ring. Table is set up, and Harper’s the
target, but while Harper’s up for Shell Shock, Kane appears and goes
nuts with a chair on Ryback. Dolph returns and is caught by Show,
but he escapes a chokeslam and superkicks Show repeatedly until the
giant’s out. Harper then wheelbarrow slams Dolph through the table,
so Cena AA’s Harper only to get Curbstomped by Rollins. He calls for
help from security as he clears the announce table, and he wants to
make an example of Cena. It’s the Shieldbomb to Cena through the
announce table. Rollins taunts Cena’s body to end as the heels stand
tall.
Why
in heaven’s name couldn’t that match just end with a clean finish?
HOW
I’D BOOK IT:
  1. New
    Day beats the Dust Brothers when Kofi pins Goldust.
  2. Miz
    and Damien Sandow beat the Usos when Sandow pins Jey (after Jimmy
    chases Miz off, Sandow decides against imitating the chasing and in
    favor of winning the match).
  3. Erick
    Rowan pins Big Show with help from the stairs.
  4. United
    States Champion Rusev defeats Jack Swagger by disqualification when
    Swagger uses Zeb Colter’s crutch as a weapon, leading to a future
    cage match.
  5. Ryback
    pins Kane with the help of chairs.
  6. Dolph
    Ziggler claims the title from Luke Harper to regain the
    Intercontinental Title.
  7. John
    Cena puts Seth Rollins through a table to go to the Royal Rumble.
  8. Nikki
    Bella defeats AJ Lee with interference by Brie, leading to a triple
    threat match at the Rumble.
  9. Dean
    Ambrose pins Bray Wyatt in the TLC match.
STATS:
MATCH
TIME: 32:50 over seven matches
BEST
MATCH: Rollins/Dolph
WORST
MATCH: AJ/Summer
NIGHT
MVP: Roman Reigns
No
rating.
Matt
Perri does Main Event. Tommy Hall does SmackDown. Scott Keith does
1996. Logan Scisco does 1998. Zanatude pokes Southern States
Wrestling with a stick. And you provide the discussion.
And
the Slammy for Recapper of the Year goes to… Brian Bayless? I want
a recount! Our e-fed is not a recap!!