I gotta start by talking about Survivor Series. Bear with me. I will try not to go too long here. If you don’t wanna read any of this, just skip all this and scroll to END ANALYSIS.
If you choose to go on, thank you.
You all know me. You all know that I’m about as snarky as they come. I spar with some of the guys here in the comments. It’s nothing personal. I love talking about this stuff. And while it gets pretty heated at times, I really enjoy talking with you guys about it. I love the passion. Also, you know that me and Andy PG have differing opinions on things and, while he’s been an advocate of the status quo, I tend to be the opposite — one of those old school smarks…if there is such a thing.
On this particular pay-per-view, Andy PG and I are in total agreement: this year’s Survivor Series was excellent entertainment.
On Sunday, I tuned in with the same expectations I’ve had. WWE’s pay-per-views have been…frustrating. That’s about the only word I can choose to describe it. Between the been-there-done-that feeling we got seeing Cena win the title at MITB to Lesnar running over Cena for the title at SummerSlam to the Bray Wyatt Star Wars Hologram at the last show, I think the only thing worth watching this year (not counting WrestleMania XXX) was Shield vs. Evolution I & II.
Scott rated Survivor Series at a thumbs even, leaning down. That’s not harsh but I don’t think it was all that accurate, either. For myself, I thought this years Survivor Series was pretty unforgettable. From the moment where Vince told us, “This will be a night you will not forget” (reminiscent of Survivor Series ’98: The Deadly Game, one of the more underrated PPV’s WWE has in its library and, coincidentally, also held in the same arena), I got chills. Dude had that twinkle in his eye when he said it. Something was gonna happen.
The rest of the show was…decent. The opening tag match was fun. It got better near the end and I don’t mind Miz and Miz-dow holding the tag titles. TPrincess is gonna have my head on a plate for saying that. The Divas title match sucked on toast, as did Adam Rose. That was to be expected. The Divas tag was so-so, but not terrible. The commentators helped that out big time with JBL’s confusion about Summer’s cowardice during the match. I’ve seen worse from them. Ambrose and Wyatt was good, but with a completely stupid, tacked-on ending which was a tease for the next PPV.
The meat and potatoes of this thing was, of course, the big main event. Scott had it at four stars. I had it at five. It had everything a big PPV match was supposed to have: huge spots, awesome bumps, twists, turns, drama, Attitude Era-level screw-jobbery — culminating in one of the most memorable twists in recent memory.
Let’s get all of this out of the way right now: I didn’t know Sting was gonna appear. I don’t follow dirt sheets and rumors because, half the time, the rumors never pan out. For instance, Sting was supposed to debut at SummerSlam in Los Angeles, if rumors were to be believed. We all know how true that turned out to be. Also, I’ve seen and heard the criticism: Sting’s late to the party, the debut was lame as hell because he had no baseball bat or the run-in was far too late or OMG it was a staring contest and a Scorpion Deathdrop and he doesn’t really figure into things. Oh, and my absolute favorite: “Sting is past his prime at 55 years old.” That last one could be true. To get an idea of where he is in his career, look no further than The Undertaker who, at 49, looks like he’s run a marathon after 3 minutes of movement. A few others point to his time in TNA as evidence that the guy can no longer work well. Of course, age be damned, Sting was mailing it in during his TNA years.
But to all that, I say that I don’t care. I just don’t. For the past few weeks, even with my excitement over obtaining tickets to see WrestleMania 31, I’ve been looking for a reason to continue to watch this product. It’s a chore to watch RAW and report on it. Last PPV had the return of Bray Wyatt and I remember Andy PG defending
it, comparing it to Kane’s interference in a Hell in a Cell match during
the Attitude Era at Badd Blood. I still don’t agree with that: Wyatt
had already been with WWE for some time and we all knew he was coming
back. Also, whereas
Kane had a reason to attack the Undertaker, Bray had no reason other
than “Because he’s broken like me and stuff”, which is Wyatt’s excuse to
attack everyone and anyone. There was no shock factor and was made all
the more annoying with the really stupid Wyatt Hologram.
In that moment, I was a little kid again, losing my shit. I marked out — possibly, for the first time in years. Yes, this cold-hearted Smark was won over by one moment at last night’s Survivor Series. Hell, even before that, when Ziggler started to take out the remaining three guys, I was out of my seat, jumping up when he hit two Zigg Zaggs on Rollins. I was lost in the booking/storytelling. This was awesome shit. It got even better when Sting came out at the last second to make everything right. Had I known he was gonna debut, I still might have lost my shit…but it was still awesome. I don’t care about his age. I don’t even think he’s gonna compete in WWE. Flair competed when he was nearing 60 and he still had it in him. Even leading up to 50, The Undertaker had some incredible fights left. There was Sting, one of the last great icons of the wrestling world, doing what he always did: appearing from the shadows like the dark avenger, with pomp and circumstance: lights, drama, booming near-cinematic triumph. And the crowd, who chants just to chant, content to yell CM Punk at AJ Lee at the top of their lungs and sarcastically cheer for Damien Miz-dow during his matches, ate it all up.
It was a “holy shit” moment. It was one of the loudest, most sincere pops I’ve heard in a long, long time — since Daniel Bryan, even — and that’s just what WWE needs right now. This is an organization that has been unable to capture lightning in a bottle since Daniel Bryan’s injury. It’s a company thirsty for subscribers for their vaunted WWE Network, yet provides a product that has been wildly inconsistent, wishy-washy, and aggravating. Forget Sami Zayn in a bunny suit, twerking midget bulls, spots with Vladimir Putin, Bray Wyatt’s nonsensical stream-of-consciousness speeches, and Brock Lesnar just sitting at home, collecting a check — what WWE delivered last night was supremely special: a product that takes your breath away and makes you say, “I would have
not only shelled out $9.99 for that…I would have paid $60 dollars on a
major cable system.”
As user, “YankeesHoganTripleHFan” declared in the comments of Scott’s Smark Rant for Survivor Series, “WE HAVE STING PEOPLE!!! Put down your smark swords and mark the fuck out!”
Do it — if just for a few minutes. That moment gave me goosebumps. Hell, it actually made me wanna tune in for RAW on Monday with anticipation — and that’s a most welcome feeling.
Wait…it’s the Anon RAW GM…? IT’S BACK?!
FUCK WWE AND THE CREATIVE STAFF FOR THIS MESS.
I welcome your comments.
We are LIVE(!) from Fort Wayne, Indiana!
Michael Cole and Byron Saxton are willing and ready to call this thing.
Miz and Miz-dow come to the ring. Miz-dow has fake Tag Titles because they’re supposed to be the SAME. GET IT???
Miz is on the mic. He says that he needs to get something off his chest before we start: nobody thought he’d make it in this world but, each time somebody said that “Mike” couldn’t do something, he said that the Miz CAN do something. He says he needs to praise somebody who really stood by him. He needs to thank that person now. Miz-dow looks humble and touched. Miz says he needs to thank the Moneymaker. Miz looks hurt.
MATCH #1: WWE Tag Team Champions The Miz & Damien Miz-dow vs. Los Matadores (Fernando & Diego) (w/ El Torito) (non-title)
I think my favorite thing about Los Matadores is how long Cole tries to pretend to know the difference between Diego and Fernando. Miz goes first against #1. #2 tags in after a dive against the ropes. #2 dropkicks Miz. One-count. #2 watches as Miz-dow imitates Miz. Miz attacks #2 and puts in a headlock. #2 escapes but Miz puts him in the corner and kicks him. Miz and Miz-dow pose for the crowd and Miz STILL manages to hit the Miz-Line in the corner. Two count. Another headlock by Miz. #2 escapes again temporarily but Miz hits him with a DDT. Eventual tag to #1 and he goes into Hyper Matador mode, flipping around, kicking Miz, hitting high-risk flipping pins. Miz-dow dumps #2 when he attacks. Miz makes a tag to Miz-dow, who hits the SCF for the win — with Miz getting the pin at 5:03.
WINNERS: The Miz’s
RATING: 1/2 a *.
Rosa and Fandango ignore Renee Young and practically engage in foreplay, feeling each other up and making out. Then they walk off.
TONIGHT: Dean Ambrose faces Kane.
MATCH #2: Fandango (w/Rosa Mendes) vs. Adam Rose (w/ Bunny & Exotic Express)
How am I supposed to take the “new and improved Fandango” seriously when he’s being booked in comedy matches again? The two guys fight in the corner, then tie it up on the mat. Rose applies a front facelock but breaks when Fandango gets to the corner. Rose stomps at him and Fandango rolls outside. Rose tries a Baseball Slide but Fandango blocks it and slams him against the edge of the mat. Back in the ring, Fandango chops Rose, then whips him hard into a buckle, getting two. Fandango works Rose over while Bunny asks Rosa for a dance outside. Rose hits lariats and a reverse atomic drop. Rose hits a Swinging Neckbraker but Fandango kicks him when he rushes Fandango in the corner. Bunny gets on the mat. Fandango attacks Bunny, then whacks Rose with a lariat and hits the Flying Legdrop for the win at 3:37.
WINNER: Fandango via Flying Legdrop
RATING: 1/2 a *.
NEXT: Cole will run us through highlights from Survivor Series.
Cole gives us Survivor Series fallout and the next night’s clips from RAW.
Backstage, Nattie and Tyson are backstage with a bunch of food. Summer and Layla show up. They say that Nattie has a shrill voice. Tyson doesn’t defend her. Layla smashes a pumpkin pie in her face because nobody saw that coming. Tyson holds her back from killing the two girls.
MATCH #3: Layla (w/ Summer Rae) vs. Natalya (w/ Tyson Kidd)
Nattie’s pissed. She still has pumpkin pie on her face. Nattie marches out of the ring and proceeds to kick the shit out of Summer, shoving her to the ground. Back in the ring, Nattie is all over Layla who gets up and botches a high kick which Nattie sells anyhow, despite the fact that Layla missed her by a foot. Layla gets to her feet and takes Nattie down with head scissors. The crowd chants, “NATTIE’S HUSBAND” and Tyson puts on his Beats By Dre headphones to drown it out. Nattie gets back to her feet but Layla takes her down again. Layla chokes Nattie against the center rope. The ref breaks it and Summer slaps Nattie while the ref backs Layla off. Headlock by Layla but Nattie breaks it. She walks over to Layla who trips her, sending her head-first into the buckle. Layla chokes Nattie against the ropes again but Nattie sends her outside. Layla gets back in but Nattie throws her to the mat and hits a sitting dropkick. Layla tries a crossbody but misses. Nattie hits the Sharpshooter which gets the win at 4:42.
WINNER: Natalya via Sharpshooter
Nattie celebrates…so Tyson gets in her way and takes up the camera. Tyson’s the reason I can’t bring myself to buy a pair of Beats By Dre headphones.
MATCH #4: Kane vs. Dean Ambrose
Kane is all over Ambrose in the corner. Ambrose breaks free and hits a shoulderblock and a Tornado DDT off the buckle. Two count. Swinging neckbreaker and one count by Ambrose. Kane comes back with his own shoulderblock and gets two. He attacks Ambrose in the corner but Ambrose breaks free with a shoulderblock and crossbody. Kane lunges at him but Ambrose tosses him from the ring. Ambrose goes for a Suicide Dive but Kane clocks him coming out of the ring.
We get an ad for WWE Monday Night Revisionist History…er, War.
Back from break, Kane’s got Ambrose in a headlock. Ambrose gets to his feet but Kane knees him in the gut and hits a quick suplex. Kane hits some shots to the head. Ambrose tries the Rebound Clothesline but Kane boots him in the head and gets two. Ambrose comes back from a headlock with some quick shots to the head of Kane and a Missile Dropkick. Ambrose hits a forearm in the corner and a Bulldog for two. Another Rebound Clothesline is met with a Chokeslam attempt. Ambrose breaks free and ejects Kane from the ring.
Outside, the two fight it out but Kane rolls him back into the ring and we continue. Kane puts Ambrose on the top buckle and tries for a Superplex but Ambrose blocks it and sends Kane to the mat. Ambrose hits an elbow and gets two. He quickly goes to another buckle but Kane nails him with an uppercut for a two count. Kane goes for a Tombstone but Ambrose leaps out and hits a Rebound Clothesline. A series of reversals ends with an Ambrose roll-up pin at 8:53.
WINNER: Dean Ambrose
RATING: **. Not bad action.
Ambrose celebrates as we go off the air.
OVERALL: *1/2. This show was like watching all of the worst matches from a RAW.
Er, that’s it.