BoD Hell in a Cell

This has nothing to do with the WWE

Before the show, GM Bayless apologizes to Night81 & DBSM and says that the C-List title match will happen next week on BoD RAW. DBSM leaves with his posse of Mark Linn-Baker, the guy who played Waldo on “Family Matters” and the less talented brother of Horace Grant, Harvey. The GM also announces that a Tag Team Tournament will start on BoD RAW next week and that draws a lud “HUSS” chant from the HUSS Section.

Job Mob vs. Adam Curry & Kyle Warne & Cabspaintedyellow

Zanatude comes to the ring with all three of the Six-Man Tag Team Titles. He then dumps them on the table of timekeeper, Mister E Mahn, knocking over some of his Timekeeper Awards. That desk is covered with more awards from Canada, Germany, Austria, and Guatemala! Back to the action as the Job Mob are attacked by the trio that they have harassed for weeks, Chartock gets tossed to the floor as they are about to it Zanatude with a triple powerbomb but he is able to escape to the floor after Murph yanks him off. The Job Mob regroups but as that happens, Warne and Cabs take them out with stereo planchas. Curry opts to slide out and goes right after Murph. He is hammering away as the Job Mob is in trouble. Chartock is in the ring with Warne and Cabs and he is getting double-teamed. Zanatude grabs one of his title belts then crouches down behind the apron. He pulls out the leg from underneath Warne. Cabs comes over and pulls him up by the hair then Zanatude whacks him with the belt. Murph and Curry are brawling outside but Murph stops that after hitting Curry low with Mister E Mahn’s “Floridian Timekeeper Associations Lifetime Achievement Award.” Mister E Mahn wants that back on his crowded table. In the ring, Chartock and Zanatude are taking care of business as Murph joins in on the 3-on-1 attack. The match settles down as the Job Mob are taking care of business. Cabs is getting destroyed in the opposing corner as the Job Mob are making quick tags and distracting the ref to sneak in illegal moves too. Murph hits Cabs with a uranage and gets two with that. Zanatude tags and head up top but Cabs rolls away from a top rope leg drop. Cabs tries to crawl to his corner but Murph and Chartock run over and knock off the former Tag Champs off of the apron. The ref orders them back as Zanatude picks up Cabs but he floats over. Cabs ducks a clothesline and comes back with a leg lariat as both men are down again. Chartock runs in but Cabs somersaults past him and makes the tag to Curry. He comes in and takes down Chartock with a clothesline then flies across the ring and knocks Murph through the ropes with a flying forearm. Zanatude grabs another belt and heads to the ring but Warne spears him down. Chartock charges and Cabs backdrops him over the ropes and onto Murph as they are down. Cabs and Warne place Zanatude on the top rope as Curry climbs the turnbuckle across from him. Cabs and Warne take down Zanatude with a double superplex as Curry flies off of the rope with a 5-Star Frog Splash and covers for the win! The Job Mob has gone down in defeat. Zanatude clutches his own title belts as he yells at the crowd that he is still the champion. Those belts are not official, Zanatude. 
Double or Nothing Match
Tommy Hall vs. Andy PG

If Hall wins, he gets his back his last paycheck. If he loses, he gives Andy another paycheck. Hall, who is having his own hard times, is now reduced to sporting a generic Russell Athletic #32 jersey and writing in “Butts” on the back to honor the legendary Marion Butts. C’mon Tommy, that is not even the correct color scheme. They lock up and Andy backs Tommy against the ropes. Andy sends Tommy in the corner and comes back with a dropkick. Tommy charges but Andy takes him down and covers for two as Tommy ducks outside. I think the malnourishment is kicking in as Tommy’s Panera Bread rewards card has been absent of rewards due to not being able to afford to eat at the establishment. Back in the ring, Tommy gets taken down with a drop toehold as Andy then works the arm. Tommy makes it to the ropes as Andy breaks the hold. Tommy tries a sneak attack but Andy goes back on offense. Andy goes for a crossbody but Tommy ducks down and pulls on the ropes as Andy splats on the floor. Tommy goes out and stomps on Andy before rolling him back inside. Inverted DDT gets two. STO gets two. Tommy catches Andy with a shoulder block and now has him in a Camel’s Clutch. Andy gets out but Tommy pushes him down and drops an elbow. He drags Andy to the corner and sets up for the Vader Bomb. Tommy attempts the move but Andy got his knees up as both men are down. Tommy is up first but Andy slugs him down then runs across the ring and hits him with a Shining Wizard and gets the win! Oh man, Tommy will have to give up another paycheck. A distraught Tommy leaves the ring and walks up the ramp with his head down in shame. 
Falls Count Anywhere Match
Parallax vs. Cultstatus

These guys highly dislike each other. You can even call it hate. They start on the stage as they are exchanging punches. They take it down near the concession stands as they leave a path of destruction behind them. Cult grabs a backpack after knocking down Parallax and starts filling it with all sorts of merchandise. He zips it up as it is all filled with merch and swings but misses. Parallax ducked and attacks Cult with a knee smash. Cult comes back and throws down Parallax. He grabs the backpack and now connects as he whacks Parallax in the leg. Cult picks up Parallax and rams him into the wall. He drags Parallax into the stands and now tosses him over the guardrail. He sends Parallax into the guardrail and drags him over to the announcer’s table. Cult stands up on the table as he sets up for a piledriver but Parallax reverses it and backdrops Cult, who cracks his head off of the edge of the table. HOLY SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!! The medical staff rush down to check on Cult as his head is bleeding profusely. Cult refuses treatment as he is wobbly but demands that he wrestle in this match. Parallax runs over and drops Cult with a side kick as he takes control of the match. The medical staff retreat as Parallax is punching the back of Cult’s head. Parallax is relentlessly targeting the head of Cult, which will also help when he hits his finisher, the dreaded curbstomp. Parallax takes a chair and cracks Cult over the head. He covers but Cult kicks out. He might not even know where he is right now but he still had enough strength to kick out. Parallax keeps hitting Cult in the head but can’t put him away. Parallax goes up top and tries a missile dropkick but Cult brushes that away. Cult somehow has regained enough strength to mount a comeback. Cult comes back and hits a side slam. Cult sends Parallax into the ropes and connects with the big boot. Cult now goes for the jackknife powerbomb but Parallax blocks that and starts punching Cult in the head until he falls down. Parallax hits a running knee smash then goes for the curb stomp but Cult moves away. Cult clotheslines Parallax and starts another comeback. Cult charges but Parallax boots him in the face. Parallax grabs a chair from the mat and whacks Cult in the head then goes for the curb stomp and gets the win. How on earth did Cult manage to fight for that long? He better get to a hospital ASAP. 

Hart Killer 09 vs. Kaptain Kiwi

Folks, Kaptain Kiwi has had the worst year ever. He started off ranked #13 and is now out of the ranking system altogether. He also had to change his name and by the grace of Sir Tony Garea of Auckland, he received wonderful training and will prepare to win a match for a future title shot. Hart Killer is wearing his favorite “real wrestlers do not draw caricatures” t-shirt as he yells at the fans in the greatest way humanly possible. The match starts with the guys trading stuff on the mat. Hart Killer mockingly claps of Kiwi, who has that signature Garea stoneface dialed up to eleven right now. Hart Killer whips Kiwi but he ducks and comes back with a crossbody block! Hart Killer gets up and Kiwi uses a JUMPING SIDE HEADLOCK TAKEOVER! How many kilometers was Kiwi in the air? Another jumping side headlock takeover as Hart Killer takes a breather as he was nearly murdered with that lethal offense. Kiwi is looking for the win that will get him a future title shot at Hart’s BoD Solid B+ Player Championship. Hart Killer is back inside as Kiwi puts on the dreaded abdominal stretch! Hart Killer escapes death by grabbing the ropes. Kiwi charges but Hart Killer rams him in the corner and Kiwi is down. Hart Killer covers but Kiwi just kicks out. Hart Killer works on the leg of Kiwi and locks on the Sharpshooter Texas Cloverleaf! Kiwi is in agony as Hart Killer wrenches to apply more pressure. Kiwi looks to be on the verge of tapping now. He reaches back inside and thinks how bad his year has been. BY GAWD KIWI IS POWERING OUT!!!!!!! Kiwi gets out of the hold. He tries a back suplex but Hart Killer floats over. Hart Killer tries his own back suplex but Kiwi floats over on that move and surprises Hart Killer with a reverse rollup and gets the win!!!!!!!! BY GAWD, KIWI GOT A WIN!!!!!!!!! And Kaptain Kiwi will go on to receive a future title shot.

Backstage, Magoonie is backstage with Nick Piers, who is on crutches. Steve Ferrari walks into the locker room. They ask him why he wasnt at the rent-a-car counter to chip in for the Yaris. Ferrari said that he got a ride by using his Uber account as he was busy filming a segment on the 2nd Annual Utica University shuffleboard tournament for a local basic cable affiliate. The other midcarders seem miffed as Ferrari puts down his stuff and heads to the ring for their match. 

BoD Tag Team Title Match
Midcard Mafia vs. Upper Midcard Express (Champions)

The National Guard surround the ring as Petuka promised to launch a Petuka Bazooka tonight. Ferrari tells Magoonie that he will start off the match. Ferrari takes down kbjone as the match gets underway. Ferrari tags Magoonie and they hit a double gutbuster on kbjone. Magoonie runs over and knocks Petuka off of the apron then beats down kbjone. Ferrari tags and they maintain control of the match. Piers cheers on his fellow midcard talent as Magoonie tags and works the arm. kbjone grabs Magoonie by the hair and to his corner as Petuka tags. Petuka beats down Magoonie and chokes him out with his foot. Ferrari tries to break it up but the ref orders him back to the ring and that allows the UMX to cheat. Piers screams at the referee who turns and sees Petuka hit Magoonie with a knee smash. kbjone tags and hits a few suplexes. He cant put Magoonie away so he decides to toss him outside. Petuka distracts the ref as kbjone tries to hit Magoonie with his helmet but Piers hobbles over and threatens him with a crutch. Back inside, Petuka tags in and puts Magoonie in a surfboard. The crowd rallies behind the injured and much less frequently seen midcard guy. kbjone tags in and sends Magoonie into the ropes but he slides underneath his legs and takes kbjone down with an enziguiri. The crowd rallies behind Magoonie as he goes over to his corner and MAKES THE TAG. The Prince of Public Access comes in and knocks around the UMX! He uses slams and dropkicks to take them both out. He tosses kbjone to the floor and now goes over to Petuka and attempts a piledriver but Petuka escapes. kbjone grabs Ferrari by the leg but Magoonie runs in and takes him down with a baseball slide. He goes outside and deals with him as Ferrari heads over to see Petuka. He drops him with a lariat. Outside, kbjone dodges an attack then whacks Magoonie with his football helmet. kbjone has the helmet but Piers comes over again with his crutches and threatens to hit kbjone, who turns to walk away but comes back to attack him. However, Piers was ready and saw him. He knocks out the helmet from his hand as Ferrari catches Petuka coming off of the top with a powerslam! Ferrari goes to cover for the belts but the ref sees Piers whack kbjone with his crutch and rings for the bell. Wow, Ferrari seemed to have the win there but the ref ruled the match a DQ. The UMX get in their golf cart for a victory lap as the Midcard Mafia look displeased. 

BoD Writer’s Championship
“Marvelous” Matt Perri w/ Miss Danielle vs. Stranger in the Alps (Champions)

Before the match, Stranger put in his special contact lenses. White Coat Security protects Stranger from all of the old ladies trying to mob him. Lay off him grandma, he is married. Perri and Miss Danielle appear very confident that they will win the Paper Championship tonight. Stranger goes after Perri, who ducks outside. The crowd boos as Perri continues to stall. Perri comes back in and uses the ref as a shield so he can cheapshot. Perri stays on the attack as he hits a back elbow smash. Stranger ducks a clothesline and fires away. He catches Perri with a press slam as the crowd is on it’s feet, even the old ladies! Perri begs for mercy but Stranger drags him in the middle of the ring and goes for the can opener but Perri is able to scurry outside. Stranger goes after Perri and chases him around but Miss Danielle gets in the way. Stranger stops as he is a gentleman first but that allows Perri to attack him from behind. Perri rolls Stranger back inside and targets his ribs. Perri hits a gutbuster for two then starts to stomp away. Stranger tries to fight back but Perri stops it short with a knee to the chest. Perri heads up top and tries the double axe handle but Stranger hits him in midair as both men are down. The crowd heats up as each man stands and starts to brawl. Stranger is winning this battle until Perri uses a thumb to the eye. He tries for an Irish whip but it is reversed and he sends Perri into the referee who crashes down. Stranger checks on the ref but Perri tosses him to the floor. Miss Danielle runs over with the Paper championship. Stranger yanks it back away from her after tossing Perri down but now Miss Danielle jumps on top of him. Perri gets up and yanks the paper championship away then lunges at Stranger and the corner of the paper belt hits Stranger in the eye! THAT RIPPED HIS CONTACT LENS. Stranger holds his eye and is in agony. Perri roll Stranger into the ring and heads up top to drop the elbow and covers as Miss Danielle woke up the referee and he counts to three as we have a new BoD Writer’s Champion. WHAT A DISGRACE. Stranger is holding his eye as the trainers run out to see if he is okay. 

Hell in a Cell Match
Jef Vinson vs. GM Bayless

This match has been months in the making. The cage is locked and the competitors are inside. Vinson heads over and runs at Bayless and starts hammering away! He now grinds the head of the GM into the steel as he is going all out tonight. Vinson rams Bayless into the cage again as he busts him open. Vinson locks the GM’s arms then drives him forward into the cage with a leg sweep as the GM is helpless. BoD lackeys Rockstar Gary, Average Joe Everyman, Garth Holmberg and Bill Ray run out with bolt cutters as they look worried. Vinson slams Bayless then props him up in the corner so he can deliver an uppercut that sends the GM down. Oh man, the GM is getting destroyed. Bayless is helpless as his lackeys attempt to break into the cell but Vinson does them one better and starts kicking the door down and yells at the ref for the key. He reluctantly gives the key to Vinson, who opens the door and waves in the Administration. They are shocked as Vinson seems to be wanting to take on everyone tonight. They back off as Vinson heads back in the ring. Bayless welcomes him with a low blow and now finally starts to get in some offense. The rest of the Administration come in but the GM waves him off as he is on the attack. The GM brutalizes Vinson by grinding his head into the cage. Bayless hits a DDT and that only gets two. Bayless heads outside of the ring and tries to piledrive Vinson but that fails and he gets backdropped. The referee locks the cage this time but I do not see Holmberg with the rest of the lackeys? He must be under the ring! The GM always cheats, folks. Vinson and the GM slug it out as their faces are covered in blood. Bayless rolls back inside but Vinson yanks him out and drops him on the floor with a wheelbarrow slam. Vinson gets up but a pair of arms reach out from underneath and trips him up. Vinson peeks under the ring and that allows the GM to attack. He pulls out a pair of brass knux after rolling Vinson inside the ring. He appears to fumble then as that gives Vinson enough time to hit him with a clothesline. Bayless appears to have regained the knux as he yells “now” repeatedly. All of a sudden, someone appears to crawl out of the ring and it is Holmberg! Dammit, the GM is going to cheat again. Wait a minute, the GM is yelling at Holmberg and he is unresponsive. He slides out after hitting Vinson with the knux and turns over Holmberg, who is covered in blood! The GM is pale as a ghost as he heads back into the ring. He goes to cover Vinson but from underneath a ring comes ARCHIE STACKHOUSE!!!!!!! HOLY SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He is covered in blood and casually tossing Nebb28’s Pet Rock in the air as the GM appears frozen. The other lackeys are frantically trying to open the cage but the GM is paralyzed with fear. Vinson gets up and regains himself as the GM turns around. Vinson decks him with a hook then hits the TKO. He covers and it is ONE………….TWO………………….THREE!!!!!!! Vinson beats the GM again. The lackeys get in the cage but it was too late. Still, they charge at Stackhouse as he beats them off. Bill Ray tries to steal the pet rock but fails as he scurries away. One thing is clear, the GM is scared of Archie Stackhouse. 
Hell in a Cell Match
BoD Heavyweight Championship Match
The Fuj vs. Jobber123 (Champion)

The Fuj has been waiting for this match. The start by going back and forth until Fuj gets the advantage. He lays into Jobber then starts to go to work on the leg. His finisher, The Fuji Vice ankle lock, is one of the most dreaded in the BoD. Fuj uses more mat-based moves on Jobber to target the leg. Jobber may or may not still be strung out on cocaine from this weekend but at least he shows up unlike some weekend warrior pussy. Anyway, Jobber breaks free and gets in control after a forearm to the face. Jobber stays on the attack after attacking Fuj in the corner. Jobber misses a corner splash and Fuj drops him with a reverse neckbreaker off of the rebound and that gets two. Fuj goes back to the leg but Jobber slithers away. Fuj stomps Jobber then hits a gordbuster. Fuj gets to the second rope and drops an elbow as that gets two. The Job Mob come down to the ring now as they apparently have a key to get into the cage. THAT FUCKING GM. They open up the cage as Fuj is in control. Fuj hits Jobber with the Downward Spiral as the Job Mob have busted through the cage. Chartock runs in but Fuj boots him down to the mat. Zanatude tries to attack and that fails as Fuj hits an elbow smash then he has a staredown with Murph that lasts long enough for Jobber to attack Fuj from behind. Jobber hits a backbreaker and softens up the Fuj for his Razor’s Edge finisher. The Job Mob come in and they hold up Fuj for Jobber as he slaps Fuj in the face. Jobber drops the Fuj then sends him into the corner as the Mob try a cannonball spot but that fails as Fuj dodges the attack then catches both Zanatude and Chartock with a spear as Murph is down. Jobber is in disbelief as he cannot put away the Fuj with this large advantage. Jobber and Fuj slug it out as fuj wins that battle. He takes down Jobber and locks on the Fuji Vice!!! Murph is up and runs in but Fuj breaks and clotheslines a charging Murph and spins back around to put Jobber back in the hold. Chartock tries to break it up but Fuj attacks him and tosses him through the ropes. Fuj then climbs up and takes Zanatude off of the top with a superplex!!!!! The crowd is going nuts as Fuj as Jobber alone in the ring. Fuj goes again for the hold and has it on but Murph comes in with a chair to break it up. Fuj is down as the numbers game has caught up. The Job Mob beat up the Fuj and Jobber hits the Razor’s Edge. He covers BUT THE FUJ KICKS OUT!!!!!!! Holy shit! Jobber is outraged as he goes back to attack Fuj who fights right back. Fuj is like a cyclone out there as he attacks everyone. Fuj goes after Jobber and takes him down but the Job Mob catches up as Zanatude whacks him with a chair and Jobber picks him up and hits another Razor’s Edge and this time it gets the win. The champ retains and needed a 3-man advantage to do so.