Upon the sight of a yellow and red clad Hogan, street lights and traffic signs spontaneously combust all over the place. Why? Because Monday Nitro is LIVE in Mankato, Minnesota (WHERE?!?).
TONY SCHIAVONE and LARRY ZBYSZKO handle hour #1 duties – just 6 days away from Halloween Havoc. Larry’s of the opinion that Liz is trying to ruin Savage’s life a second time, and suggests he not hand her his charge card. This ANGLE is ruining my life.
BOBBY EATON vs. CHRIS JERICHO
So apparently the BIG news of the night wasn’t worth being discussed over insipid goddamn Liz and Savage, which is that Sting is here and will be wrestling Mr. JL later tonight – his first appearance in like what, a month? Meanwhile, NUMBER SIX and NWO STING are hanging out with the fans underneath an nWo banner; Syxx equipped with a video camera. Tony speculates what he might be recording, but history suggests it’s probably Chyna’s unnaturally large “clit”. Your referee is a still injured NICK PATRICK. Eaton takes a dropkick to the face, and Jericho starts screaming “COME ON BAYBEEE!” at no one in particular. Eaton comes back with a botched powerslam, and straddles Jericho’s face like he’s a fetish friendly escort. Jericho escapes and hits a spinning heel kick, followed by a springboard dropkick. Eaton counters with a quick neckbreaker across the top rope. A slugfest breaks out between both guys, and they knock each other out. To the floor, Jericho slams Eaton’s face in the ring post, but then blind charges and hits himself. Eaton charges, and gets backdropped down the aisle, and Jericho rolls him back into the ring. Eaton nails a swinging neckbreaker, and heads to the top rope for the Alabama Jam – but Jericho cuts him off. Eaton fights him off, and drops a knee off the top for 2. Jericho comes back with a jump kick, and fires a missile dropkick off the top for the pinfall at 7:05. Eaton got wayyyyy too much offense here considering Jericho’s supposed to be fighting Syxx at Havoc. **1/2
TONY SCHIAVONE rushes down to ring side, and Jericho’s all fired up about his match with Syxx. He says the nWo has never been defeated, never tied, and that’s about to come crumbling down. COME ON BAYBEE. Ultra-babyface Jericho is such a wiener.
DEAN MALENKO (with Rey Mysterio Jr’s mask) vs. JIMMY GRAFFITI
The cancellation of Prime has shaken us all, I know, but there is no reason to book it on Nitro. Bobby Eaton? Jimmy Graffiti? COME ON BAYBEE! NO MORE JOBBERS! At least not on this show, I’m not calling for the end of them, I do need to decompress with the ridiculous gimmicks of yesteryear at least once or twice a week in an effort to white-wash Elizabeth’s crying out of my brain. Graffiti is the former Jimmy Del Rey of the Heavenly Bodies, which won’t add any credibility to this match, but at least you know. Graffiti plants Malenko with a DDT, and drops an elbow for 2. A sitdown powerbomb gets 2. Now a superkick, because this guy is gonna bust out EVERYONE’S finishers, and even THAT doesn’t get the job done. Malenko finally hits a drop toe hold sending Graffiti face first to the buckle. Our first “New World Odor” is dropped, along with Larry’s new HILARIOUS nickname for nWo Sting, which, and you’ll NEVER guess … is “STINK”. Because, it fits with NEW WORLD ODOR! You can’t write comedy like that kids. Larry Zbyszko was truly a velvet tongued legend of the mid 90’s. Somewhere in here Malenko tries for a Texas Cloverleaf, but Graffiti rolls through and almost gets a pin. They brawl out to the floor again, and eventually wind up on the top rope. Graffiti throws Malenko off, and goes for a missile dropkick. Malenko swats him in mid-air, and applies the Cloverleaf for the win at 6:40. Man oh man, they’re really letting the jobbers shine tonight – another reminder that everyone in WCW sucks and everyone in the nWo is unstoppable. **
DIAMOND DALLAS PAGE vs. SERGEANT CRAIG PITTMAN (with Teddy Long)
If you believed that NICK PATRICK could ever stay away from a DDP match, you would be, and I say this respectfully, an idiot. There’s some strange little underbelly of a feud between Page and Patrick against Teddy Long that the announcers never talk about – even though it’s pretty much been a central theme on every B, C, D, and even the G shows. Page pancakes the Sarge, but Page is thrown off, onto Patrick, whose back immediately goes out. Pittman and Page head to the floor, where Pittman starts throwing Page shoulder first into the ring post. He starts Pitbulling Up – and locks a Code Red on Page in the middle of the ring. The PROBLEM is, that Patrick is busy sharing his finds at last week’s flea market in Hohenwald, Tennessee with Teddy Long, and doesn’t see Page tapping out violently. Pittman freaks out and gets all up in Patrick’s grill, which is all Page needs for the Diamond Cutter and another win at 2:55. If Page isn’t a member of the nWo, then may Roger Clemens grow a 3rd ear on his forehead. *
TONY SCHIAVONE demands answers from Nick Patrick about missing the Code Red. Patrick says if he missed anything it’s because Teddy Long can’t stay in his bloody corner and mind his own business. Tony mentions that for the second week in a row, the masked man on WCW Saturday Night is CLEARLY Nick Patrick. Patrick is offended since he’s in twice the shape that man is, and again accuses Randy Anderson of being the obvious perp.
RON STUDD vs. JEFF JARRETT
Ron Studd is a mountain of charisma, balled up in a fury of head slaps. More disturbingly, it’s fairly clear he has murdered Fit Finlay. Finlay never willed his music to him, it was stolen and the body disposed, and I want Keith Morrison’s corpse to report on this immediately. However, a different white haired legend appears, in the form of RIC FLAIR. Studd takes a powder to give Flair room to strut. He asks Jarrett to strut along with him, which the fans boo vehemently because Jarrett has NO BUSINESS being a babyface. Flair shakes his hand as his personal endorsement in Jarrett’s war against the Giant. However, before that happens, Studd will NOT be denied, because this match is on like a steaming pot of neckbone. After some quick offense from the former Super Giant Ninja, Jarrett manages to soufflé the big man and lock on the Figure Four at 1:29. The fans rightly boo the shit out Jarrett, and WCW for insulting our intelligence. 1/2*
On the floor, TONY SCHIAVONE continues to pull double duty. Jarrett wants WCW to start being offensive instead of defensive. I’d argue they’re regularly offensive, but I don’t imagine that’s what he meant at all. Jarrett vows to lock that figure four on the Giant, and he won’t be chokeslammed. Flair re-appears now, admitting the nWo have been dirtier players than the Horsemen so far. Flair says he’ll be in Jarrett’s corner this Sunday, and the second he’s cleared to wrestle again, they’ll kick some nWo ass. THE GIANT stares on in the crowd, presumably disturbed at WCW’s quest to beat him up – a lowly ring announcer.
THEN EVERYTHING EXPLODES!
Of course, that symbolizes Hour #2 has started, because ERIC BISCHOFF’s hair takes over the screen. MIKE TENAY stares lovingly at his boss, while “SOBER” BOBBY HEENAN doesn’t play ball with anyone.
ROAD BLOCK vs. LEX LUGER
Heenan kills me by asking “WHAT IS THAT?!?” No, he is not talking about Lex Luger’s hypnotic pectoral region, but Road Block. Bischoff asks whether or not Luger can Rack this man, because apparently he’s never racked the Giant, no sir! Road Block gets clotheslined to the floor, and he RAGES. Luger is yanked out by the legs, and slammed into the ring steps, but he recovers. Back in the ring, Luger slams him far too easily, but misses the follow up elbowdrop. Road Block takes over, with a big fat avalanche. That just makes Luger roar like a lion on steroids, and he slams Road Block again. Luger goes for the Rack, but drops him back like a Samoan drop (likely by accident), and tries a second one – this time leading to a slam of some sort. Third try is good, and Road Block taps out at 3:48. This Road Block experiment was like the Hogan vs. Monster routine of the 90’s, on warp speed. 1/2*
THE AMERICAN MALES vs. HARLEM HEAT (with Sista Sherri and Colonel Robert Parker) (in a non-title match)
NICK PATRICK referees this one. Now, WCW has about 5-6 referees on the payroll at this point; do they have an absenteeism problem? Why is Nick Patrick refereeing so bloody much? Have they thought about implementing a Wellness Team, or offering them Employee Assistance? There’s no way a man as injured as Nick Patrick should be carrying about 50% of the work load. I’ll bet he’s even forced to set up the ring, and that’s a workers comp claim just waiting to happen. It’s good to see the Males have made up, and are no longer involved in a strange love triangle with Jim Powers. I was worried things might be weird between Riggs and Bagwell, but they seem to be alright. Bagwell backdrops Booker, and follows with a dropkick – and we’re off to commercial break.
Upon return, the fans are all into this one, chanting “NWO!” Booker tells them to shut up (you go Booker!), as Bagwell explodes out of the corner with a clothesline that turns Booker inside out. He POPS UP because he’s a MAN, and powerbombs Bagwell. THE OUTSIDERS are hanging out in the crowd now (with nose strips, hah!), while Bischoff says the latest rumors are that the nWo want to take over Nitro completely – but he’ll NEVER let that happen. I’m glad we have Eric defending the sanctity of this company, because otherwise we’d be in some serious trouble. Of course, had he just called the police about 6 months ago when Hall first jumped onto their private property, they might have saved themselves a whole lot of problems. Booker heads up for a missile dropkick – but Bagwell is ready and hits a dropkick of his own to stop it. Riggs enters, and is a ball o fire! Booker tries to take it to him, but he gets sent packing, and Stevie eats a double dropkick. Meanwhile, the Colonel and Sherri try to get involved, but they’re tossed off, but it gives Booker a chance to hit a Harlem Sidekick on Riggs. Bagwell thinks about trying to break up the count, but then decides to stand halfway between the ropes and the ring like an IDIOT and watches his partner get pinned at 9:34. The exciting news, is that for the 100th straight time this year, Harlem Heat have failed to break two stars. Congratulations are in order for Harlem Heat! *1/2
THE FANTASTICS vs. THE FACES OF FEAR (with Jimmy Hart)
I really want to hate on WCW for trudging out another pair of jobbers, but all is forgiven because it gives the Faces of Fear some fresh meat to feast on, and I can really go for that. And PLEASE don’t tell me about the great long history of the Fantastics around the horn because I don’t really care. The jobber dorks manage to double team Meng, and I am NOT ok with this. Then Meng backdrops Fulton into the awaiting arms of Barbarian who powerbombs him in one sweet move. Go for a pin? Surely you jest. Not when you can hit a backbreaker! Tenay mentions we haven’t seen the Fantastics in years, and Bobby pipes in with “and we probably won’t see them again!” Meng enters with a spike piledriver, and both members of the Fear hit duelling leaping headbutts. If that’s not enough, they pick Fulton up and hit a pair of headbutts again. Still, he manages to roll away and tags in Rogers who slips on his way up to the top rope. He recovers and hits Barbarian with a dick to the face. Both guys hit Barbarian with a double dropkick, but Meng saves. Rogers comes flying off the top with a crossbody, but Barbarian catches him with ease, and Meng finishes him with a Kick of Fear at 5:21. I feel like I should have liked this a lot more than I did. Maybe I’m cranky. *1/2
Back at the announce table, Bischoff apologizes for the 2903582097352348 time for ripping out Savage’s heart, and promises to never do anything like it again.
MR. JL vs. NWO STING
So WCW are a pile of liars as usual, promising the real Sting and delivering a big stinky nWo turd. And the worst part of this is, there’s no way they SHOULD be getting tricked with this stuff, because all it should take is a quick confirmation that “yep, the real dude is in the building and says he’ll be wrestling”. WCW books the matches for Christ sakes! THE NWO comes down to ringside through the crowd, led by Vincent. Sting hits a faceplant on JL, and follows with a powerslam. Stinger Splash sets up the Scorpion Deathlock, but STING actually shows up now!!! He’s got blank white facepaint like a mime, and is dressed in a black trench coat. He drops nWo Sting immediately with a Deathdrop, and follows with a Stinger Splash. nWo Sting is put in the Deathlock, as the entire nWo surrounds Sting. DiBiase welcomes the real Sting to their group, if he wants to. The nWo offers a family. Kevin Nash suggests he break on through to the other side. Hall says Sting has been carrying the WCW banner for 9 years, and has nothing to show for it. They knew their imposter would get to Sting, and they want him on their side. If he jumps, he’s nWo 4 life. Sting takes the stick now, and says if that’s their cheap imitation, they got what they paid for. “The only thing that’s for sure about Sting, is that nothing’s for sure.” He drops the mic, and walks off. The nWo celebrate, figuring they got him.
CHRIS BENOIT vs. RANDY SAVAGE
Savage emerges, and much like Sting, he’s dressed in all black from head to toe. ERIC BISCHOFF intercepts him in the aisle, and apologizes for putting him on the spot. However, now he has a NEW video.
From the set of the 3 Ninjas, HOLLYWOOD HOGAN talks smack to Macho. Hogan tells the director with his name on the film, he wants the nWo to take over the entire production. THE GIANT is taking over directing immediately, and the director is all too fast to agree. ELIZABETH is here, because she has a scene in the flick as well. Hogan tells her “come on, tell Macho you love him, make him really believe it, lead the lamb to slaughter!” Liz begs him to make it stop. Hogan tells her to do it right, and deliver Macho’s head on a silver platter. Liz tells Hogan she’s ruined his life for a second time, so Hogan orders her off the set. In Hogan’s trailer, he berates her for not delivering. Now, I want you to read this entire paragraph again, understanding Hogan is dressed like this:
Back to the arena, Savage stands silently for a moment, before finding his words. “Just occurred to me, how fragile friendships and relationships can be. And you Eric Bischoff, you and I both know how fragile business can be. Even marriage is fragile. But Hoke Kogan, life … is fragile.”
Fade to black.
Benoit wins by countout! Does this mean HE is now the number one contender? We’ll find out more on WCW Saturday Night.