This has nothing to do with the WWE
“Tonight, I have given all of you wonderful fans the chance to see a main event that could headline any thread across the BoD. I give you Parallax vs. the man who screwed him out of the title, Jef Vinson. That same Jef Vinson who I will be facing inside of the cell so he can no longer cheat to win. Jef Vinson cheats like ebola spreads and like that deadly disease, he must be stopped. Him and his whore valet.
Also, The Fuj will be making an appearance next week as he has some words to say to the BoD. Don’t miss that one, folks.
And last and certainly least, Midcard Mafia, you will get your chance at the tag team titles tonight as long as you can prove to me that you can beat the champs first. And Nick Piers is doing just fine under the care of Miss Diagnosis but he has had a minor setback as it turned out she put the cast on the wrong leg so he will be out longer than expected.
But first, for all of you fans, we will see who will face our C-List Champion at BoD Hell in a Cell in a #1 Contender’s match and that is happening…………..next.”
In the Top 5 Lounge, Parallax and Jobber are having a conversation
Jobber: So, you have to face Jef Vinson tonight? At least you can get revenge for him screwing you over.
Parallax: I’ll just win like I always do.
Jobber: If he hadn’t cashed in his title shot, I might not be holding this right now (he points to the BoD Title)
Parallax: You are right about that. That belt should be mine.
Jobber: And that is why you can get revenge on him. He fucked you over. He is the one, not the GM. The GM even said you can get a shot at the belt soon too.
Parallax: I heard what he said but I didn’t listen because its just lies, just like his attempt to create a schedule. And why are you so happy to see me face him anyway?
Jobber: No reason, man. Look, I could have had the night off but I showed up anyway. Just here to talk to a friend.
Parallax: Yeah, well I’m not your fucking friend
Jobber: That’s cool but neither is Jef Vinson and I never see him reaching out to you. Think about that? (Jobber leaves as Parallax appears to be thinking about what he just said.
C-List Title #1 Contender Match
Biscuit! vs. Night81 vs. Mikey Mike
DBSM is sitting ringside with his belt for this match. Biscuit takes down Night81 as Mikey watches from the corner. The old school-er busts out the stump puller on Night but Mikey dropkicks him down. Mikey hammers away then Night rolls him up for two. Biscuit rolls up Night for two. Mikey then clotheslines both of them down and heads up top. He flies off with a crossbody but gets caught by both guys and they dump him outside. Night and Biscuit trade chops as DBSM tells the announcers about running into Da Brat while walking past Supercuts. Mikey trips up Biscuit then hops up on the apron but is might by his enemy, Night81. They brawl then Mikey slingshots in with a sunset flip and struggles to take him over until Biscuit kicks Night down. Biscuit then elbows Mikey in the back of the head and tosses him out to the floor. Biscuit takes Night and hits a gutwrench suplex. Biscuit goes to work on the leg then chokes out Night with his foot. Mikey comes back in and stomps both guys. Mikey takes Biscuit and smashes him against the turnbuckle. He then turns to Night and uses a La Magistral cradle but that only gets two. Mikey hits Biscuit with a high knee then uses a Flatliner on Night and makes the cover but can only get two as Mikey gets a bit frustrated. Mikey heads up top and connects with a missile dropkick onto Biscuit as that just gets two. Mikey heads back up top as DBSM lets us know the perks of being the C-List Champion like not having to pay extra for avocado on your sandwich at Subway. Mikey tries another missile dropkick on Biscuit but Night shoved Biscuit down and through the ropes as Mikey crashes and burns then Night rolls up Mikey with a handful of tights and gets the win! Night will go on to face DBSM at BoD Hell in a Cell as Mikey is infuriated that Night cost him the match. DBSM leaves as he just got a call from former NBA player Mark Eaton as they are going to partake in an NBA fantasy league draft.
Backstage, Jobber approaches the GM and looks disgusted. He says that Landmonster has broken into the Top 5 Lounge and is eating ice cream sandwiches on the couch, wiping off the chocolate all over the cushions. The GM is furious as he yells in his phone for White Coat Security to take care of the situation. Jobber says watching the fat fuck eat with her mouth wide open has made him sick to his stomach and that he might have to go home for the night. The GM tells Jobber that Biff Kensington III has bought all over the luxury boxes again as to go upstairs and find one to sit in for the night as he will have White Coat Security get the harpoon gun to catch Moby Dick’s daughter. The GM asks Jobber to confirm that it was ice cream sandwiches she was eating and he does as the GM looks worried.
Now, lets check on Stranger in the Alps as he gets fitted for his contact lenses.
Stranger is at the eye doctors and leaves the chair then looks at the camera without his trademark glasses
“Well, hello. I’d like to say hi to all of the little strangers out there. The ones that look up to me and sold lemonade to help pay for a new pair of my glasses. That is all very kind of you but I mailed the money back to you all so you can put that aside for school or to buy yourself something nice. I did this because I am an adult who can buy it myself and I care for all you youngsters and want you to save your money. And for Matt Perri and Miss Danielle, you are not marvelous. And you will not hold me down. I took down a pulled pork pizza from Papa John’s and a pumpkin pie blizzard, something the little strangers should ask their parents permission to eat, so I certainly take you and your woman down the next time you decide to cheapshot me. And I might not be here this week but next week I have a match and it is against the guy who writes the WCW reviews and I will be ready for that just like I will be ready for you at BoD Hell in a Cell.”
Backstage, Matt Indeed is yet again begging someone to be his tag team partner so he can recreate Strike Force as the GM told him he can get a match tonight as long as he can find someone. “Happening” Harry Broadhurst tells him four more Harry Facts because he had laryngitis last week and has to make up for that:
#19 Harry gets annoyed when asked to be part of this ridiculous team
#20 Harry is a singles star
#21 Harry refuses to eat non-Heinz brand ketchups
#22 Harry thinks the guy who wrote “Girls in Cars” can eat a fat dick
Wow, had no clue Harry was not a fan of Robbie Dupree. Matt asks others like Mick, Worst in the World, Flyin’ Brian Gutan and “Pistol” Pete Labozetta as they all decline too. Matt looks dejected but from a distance he hears someone yell “I’ll Join” as he turns around to see Mar Solo on a treadmill holding a carafe of coffee. Next to Solo is a table with six different types of coffee roasts with all of the brewing systems plugged into the same surge protector. Matt is excited but cant match the tenacity of Solo, who leaps off the treadmill and just about tackles Matt as he attempted a leaping high five. Matt gives Solo a windbreaker as they both use a high-knee jog as they fist pump with fury. Matt them tells him that he has a car for their entrance, which is a red Chrylser Lebaron convertible that is featured in the “Girls in Cars” music video. And that match is next as Strike Force has struck the BoD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Strike Force vs. Onita100 & Dr. Facts
Onita100 & Dr. Facts are part of the “asked and get booked” initiative. Strike Force enters to the ring in the Chrysler Lebaron but Mar Solo hops out and says he can make it go faster then proceeds to run behind the car and push it down the aisle. Matt keeps fist pumping as Solo pushes the car too far and it bumps the ring. Dr. Facts falls down to the floor as he was antagonizing the crowd from the top rope then Mar Solo runs into the ring and nails Dr. Facts with a flying forearm and follows that by putting him into the Boston Crab while he still has on his windbreaker and Dr. Facts taps as Strike Force gets the win before Matt can get out of the car or their theme song can stop. Solo flies out of the ring and celebrates with Matt by using a leaping high-five then proceeds to jump up four more times as he does a high-stepping fist pump around the ring. Solo then tells Matt they should celebrate with a cup of his victory brew that he has backstage as he runs way ahead of his partner to the back.
In the top 5 lounge, Jef Vinson is with his valet. She rubs his shoulders as he prepares for his match. Vinson is a marked man in the BoD, folks.
Backstage, GM Bayless is with Justice Gray. He frantically tells someone to check on the “reserves.” Cultstatus comes in and demands that the GM make his match against Parallax at BoD Hell in a Cell a “Street Fight.” The GM says that he cannot do that now as the match has been set and that is what the fans expect. Cultstatus then says that it doesn’t matter as either way he is going to kill Parallax then pushes down Abeyance as he walks away. The GM sees Abeyance off of the floor and tells him that his show is not happening tonight as they are short on time. Abeyance says that is okay as he walks back to his dressing room with thebraziliankid. What are these reserves?
And now, a video in the day in the life of the other members that comprised the Job Mob
Stuart Chartock, Zanatude, and Big Dirty Murph head into a 24 hour diner. Zanatude has a six-man title belt around each shoulder as the third is around his waist. The hostess asks them if they want a table for three as Zanatude tells them its for six as he points to his titles. The hostess says they cannot seat title belts as they are not paying customers then Murph slips her a $20 and a bag of white powder then the waitress turns around and shows them to a booth as Murph slaps her on the ass. Zanatude puts the belts down as they are seated.
Murph: (lights up a cigarette) Fuck man, I’m hungry. I think I will get some pancakes. Maybe waffles. Fuck, I don’t know.
Waitress: (To Murph) Um, you cannot smoke here.
Murph: How about you get us some coffee’s and bring a bottle of Bailey’s on the side.
Waitress: We do not have Bailey’s and there is no smoking here.
Murph (Irritated) Then get me a coffee and I will put this out.
Waitress: (Mad) Fine.
Zanatude: What a bitch. Speaking of bitches, how about Adam Curry, Kyle Warne, and Cabspaintedyellow. Can you believe Bayless booked us at the PPV again with those bitches. And when will we get a chance to defend these prestigious titles.
Chartock: Those are your titles, man. They are as real as Tommy’s ebook bucks, man.
Murph: Nah, fuck that. They are real. I’ll get the champ to put in a word to Bayless and make then official (He puts out his cigarette as it is finished
Waitress: Here are your coffees.
Murph: I already finished my smoke so how about you run out back and get these guys some steak and eggs while I get a pile of flapjacks with the real maple syrup instead of that Monsanto bullshit.
Zanatude: (to the waitress) Hey, why aren’t you asking them what they want (he is pointing at his belts)
Waitress: I am not doing that.
Zanatude: Ask them, they are sitting here and stop being prejudicial. Now, ask them what they want
Waitress (highly annoyed) What do you guys want to eat?
Zanatude: Hey, she thinks the belts can talk. (The rest of them laugh)
Chartock: Guess what, the silverware can fly too (he takes his knife and fork and tosses it at the window, startling the couple seated near that window.
Murph: (Waitress) You are an idiot. I bet you also think The Fuj will get the belt from Jobber at BoD Hell in a Cell too. (The Job Mob laughs in unison)
Waitress: Anything else
Murph: Nah, on second thought, we aren’t hungry anymore. Lets go guys. Oh sorry, let me pay for the coffee (Murph stuff a $20 down the waitress’ shirt then slaps her on the ass) You coming with us?
Waitress: (Looks around and shakes her head) Yes. (She then takes off her apron and lets down her hair as they all leave together. Chartock steals the muffin bin as they walk out)
Backstage, White Coat Security and Justice Gray confirm that a sweep of the arena has not brought up any traces of Archie Stackhouse. The GM is very relieved after hearing that.
Midcard Mafia (Steve Ferrari & Magoonie) vs. Upper Midcard Express
The stipulations here are that if the MCM win, they will get a title shot at BoD Hell in a Cell. Ferrari and Petuka starts things off as Petuka has switched his football helmet to that of an army helmet as he promises a Petuka Bazooka will be launched tonight. Ferrari and Petuka go back and forth as this ends in a standoff. They tag out as Magoonie and kbjone go at it back and forth. They have a chop exchange and Magoonie wins that. kbjone comes back with a thumb to the eye but Magoonie ducks a clothesline then baseball slides underneath kbjone before hitting an enziguiri. kbjone holds his head as he rolls outside as the UMX regroup. They slowly come back in as they order the ref to send Magoonie to his corner. kbjone charges after Magoonie but gets taken down with an armdrag. Ferrari tags and works the arm of kbjone. The MCM are using quick tags as they work over the arm of kbjone. Magoonie slams kbjone down then heads up top and hits him with a splash that gets two. kbjone reverses an Irish whip and Petuka knees Magoonie in the back as he drops down. kbjone tags as he and Petuka stomp on Magoonie in the corner. Petuka stretches out Magoonie as Ferrari rallies behind his partner. The UMX are not cutting off the ring as they also distract the referee to allow themselves the chance to perform illegal moves such as choking. The UMX hit Magoonie with a double slingshot suplex and kbjone covers but Ferrari makes the save. He stomps on the UMX but the ref orders him back and that allows the UMX to cheat some more. Petuka is in and he sets up for a tornado DDT but that gets blocked. Magoonie ducks a clothesline then drills Petuka with a Yakuza kick as both men are down. The crowd is fully behind Magoonie as he crawls over to his partner. kbjone then runs in and knocks Ferrari off of the apron then runs back to the apron so Petuka can tag out. kbjone targets the back of Magoonie as he hits a pair of backbreakers. Petuka tags and puts Magoonie in a surfboard then kbjone slingshots in with an elbow drop. Petuka covers but Magoonie kicks out in the nick of time. Uh oh, Petuka signals for the Petuka Bazooka but Ferrari runs in and knocks him down. kbjone tags and puts Magoonie in a chinlock as he tries to get him to submit but that does not work. kbjone then heads up top as he goes for a leg drop but he misses as both men are down. The fans are going nuts as Magoonie inches towards the corner. Petuka runs in and tries to grab his leg but Magoonie shoves him off then makes the tag! Ferrari is a midcarder gone wild as the destroys the UMX by himself. He keeps going as he takes them both down with a double clothesline. Magoonie is up now as this is match has broken down. kbjone shoves Ferrari to the floor but gets pulled out himself as the ref orders them to break it up. Petuka then hits Magoonie low and grabs his helmet and smashes him off of the back of the head. Petuka sets up for the Petuka Bazooka…………….and its launch time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BUT NO, Magoonie floats over and pushes Petuka towards the ropes for a reverse rollup and rams him into kbjone as Magoonie rolls up Petuka and gets the win!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The Midcard Mafia have earned themselves a title shot as they celebrate in the ring. A distraught kbjone slams his helmet against the turnbuckle.
Hart Killer 09 is in the ring surrounded by three ships. He says that in honor of Christopher Columbus, he will not participate in a match as he has created the greatest tribute of all-time. He says that he is the Nina, Pinta, and the Santa Maria all rolled up into one. He then says that no one can beat him and he will be taking on another open challenge next week and welcomes the next person to come out and challenge him. There are no takers as Hart Killer talks himself up some more but all of a sudden the lights go out and a small spotlight shines on the entrance way. We have no idea what is going on, folks. All of a sudden, we hear a horse noise as a man is riding it on his way to the ring. That’s…………………that’s…………………………………..Kaptain Kiwi!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The former YJ2310 has had the worst year ever and went over to New Zealand so he could train with the legendary Mr. Tony Garea. Folks, this man started the year in the top 13 and now is unranked. UNRANKED. Kaptain Kiwi pulls out a scroll and points to it as the camera zooms in as we see that it says “I, Kaptain Kiwi of the Garea School of Restholds, Formally Accept Your Challenge.” Hart Killer laughs and says how he went from the Top 13 to being unranked and says that he will beat him faster than Teddy Hart can get fired. Kaptain Kiwi then leaves and gets back on his horse as they head to the back.
Backstage, a line of BoD Superstars are in front of the GM’s office to complain about Landmonster. They disagree about AJ, the Mount Rushmore of Wrestling, and how to book the Invasion angle but they all come together for this cause. The GM says he knows what has to be done but unfortunately it has to wait until next week. Biff Kensington comes by and says he is here to scout talent and has his butler hand out business cards to the boys.
Jef Vinson vs. Parallax
Jef Vinson and his valet make their way towards the ring. Bill Ray and Average Joe Everyman jump in front of them as Vinson and his valet do not look scared. They walk towards the henchmen as they back up but this was just a trick as Rockstar Gary, Garth Holmberg, and the Job Mob attack Vinson from behind. The Valet starts wailing on a few of the goons with her shoe but Landmonster is waddling down the ramp and runs into the valet as she flies off of the ramp and appears to have twisted her ankle. From the crowd comes Jobber as he picks up the battered and bloodied Vinson and signals for the Razor’s Edge. He then hits the move as Vinson slams off of the ramp. They drag Vinson back into the ring as Parallax’s music hits. Parallax looks focused as he enters. He stares down a battered and bloodiedVinson is in the ring laying in the corner as Parallax heads over to him. Parallax drags him into the middle of the ring and sets him up for the curbstomp. He holds him up for longer than usual so he can make the move even more impactful than it is as the GM and Job Mob look on with approval. Parallax then looks at them and lets Vinson go!!!!!! I did not expect that!!!!! Parallax then rolls out of the ring and walks right past the GM and Job Mob as he heads up the ramp!! They are all in disbelief as the show goes off the air with Parallax heading back. What was his reason for this? TUNE INTO BoD RAW NEXT WEEK TO FIND OUT