This has nothing to do with the WWE

GM Bayless and the Administration are in the ring. Bayless says that tonight, Jef Vinson will come out and sign the contract for their match at Hell in a Cell. The GM says that this way, Jef Vinson will not have to resort to cheating to win. He will have to actually earn his victory and paycheck, just like his whore of a valet. The GM then talks about how he has Wade Michael Meltzer searching through Riverdale, along with Gosh Hopkins and Nebb28, as they attempt to locate the deranged and sadistic Archie Stackhouse. The GM then talks about diversifying the Administration so he has added a new member. He orders the crowd to rise to their feet as he welcomes the morbidly obese mealtime menace that used to date Magoonie’s friend, LANDMONSTER!! Out comes Landmonster, with a 64oz Big Gulp in one hand and a jumbo-sized book of Sugar Babies in the other. The crowd boos this disgusting creature as she waddles to the ring. She tries to climb up the ringsteps but needs a breather halfway through. The GM points to his watch as Landmonster takes a seat and pulls out a Charleston Chew and a half-dozen Slim Jim’s. The GM heads outside and interrupts her 14th snack break today and tells her than in the Administration, no one gets a limit on the amount of turkey loaf that they get to eat. The GM also tells Landmonster that Magoonie cut her off because he is a midcarder, and they are awful people who support things like Mayor Bloomberg’s ban on Big Gulps. Landmonster slams down her Big Gulp and yells “FUCK BLOOMBERG!!!!!!!.” The GM speaks to her “No, Landmonster, fuck Magoonie and the rest of the Midcard Mafia. Better yet, don’t fuck them as you will tip over their Toyota Yaris, but rather destroy them. Can you do that for me?” Landmonster casually nods as she plows through a stack of Twix bars. The GM then tells us that one of the midcarders, Nick Piers, is getting treated by Miss Diagnosis right now and that she has two more empty beds in the same room. We now see the jumbotron as Piers is laying in his bed in agony as Miss Diagnosis decided to put a cast on his uninjured left arm while is broken leg remains dangling off to the site. The camera pans out as we see two beds to his right with a name assigned to each as they read “Ferrari” and Magoonie.” We are back to the GM as he tells us that tonight, the MCM will be reunited then the Administration all start laughing.

Night81 vs. Biscuit!

Night is still seething after losing out on the C-List Title courtesy of MikeyMike. C-List Champion DBSM joins the announcers booth for the match as he ever so proudly displays his title. He tells the announcers that he is scouting the competition tonight. Biscuit!, the rugged veteran, rakes the eyes then takes Night down. He uses spinning toe holds then drops an elbow on the leg and wrenches it back. Biscuit stays on the attack as DBSM rattles off all of the celebs he gets to chill with because of his C-List status such as former NFL wide receiver Peter Warrick and the girl from “My Two Dads.” What a name dropper! Night fights back and takes control but out to the ring comes MikeyMike. Night sees him and stares him down. He focuses back on the match but Biscuit hits him with an European Uppercut then a backbreaker that gets two. Night avoids an elbow drop then takes control of the match. Mikey heads closer to the ring as the referee is distracted by Biscuit. Mikey yells at Night who wants him in the ring but turns around and eats a flying knee smash by Biscuit. He covers but that only gets two. Night floats over on a back suplex attempt then tries a reverse rollup but that is reversed and Biscuit holds the tights and gets the win! Big win for Biscuit as DBSM tells is he has to go meet the guy who played Ugh on “Salute Your Shorts” for a charity event. Mikey laughs hysterically as he backs up the ramp as Night is madder than ever.

A Rolls Royce pulls up. The driver gets out and opens the door to reveal Biff Kensington III! Biff takes out a stack of money and slaps it across the face of the driver and drops it as he heads into the arena and to his suite. In fact, they are all Biff’s suites as he bought them all tonight.

Backstage, Justice Gray asks if the catering came and no one knows. GM Bayless thinks that the missing catering means that Hoss is back and to go check the “reserves”. Gray leaves to investigate.

Backstage in the locker room, all of the vending machines are empty. Matt Indeed has an extra white windbreaker to give to whomever wants to be is Strike Force partner. Dr. Facts, “Pistol” Pete Labozetta, and Flyin’ Brian Gutan all politely decline but Mr. Satan said he will help him out. Matt is happy and gives Satan the jacket, who tells him that he has to change then heads to the stalls as we hear the toilet flush. Satan walks out and says that he changed. Dancin’ Devin & Lil James are GITTIN FUN-KAY but WWF1987 and Bobby ambush them from behind!!!!! BY GAWD THEY STOPPED DA FUNK!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Bobby takes the boombox and smashes it on the ground then rings his cowbell proudly!!!!! Officials and jobbers break up the melee as Mar Solo is in the background hitting the eliptical machine with a pot of coffee in each hand, throwing it back as if it was water.

“Happening” Harry Broadhurst vs. Ziggaman730

Ziggaman is part of the GM’s new “ask and you get a spot” initiative. Hope it goes well. Harry takes the mic and gives us two facts:

#17. Harry thinks Sting (The musician) sucks
#18. Harry never turns down a bowl of french onion soup

Lots of facts here. The bell rings but there is a commotion in the crowd. They part as Parallax comes roaring through. He hops the guardrail and runs in the ring as Harry takes off like a prom dress as Ziggaman is left and gets dropped. Parallax with a curb stomp and another one before tossing Ziggaman to the floor. He then grabs the mic:

” I have two things to say. First, I will address Cultstatus. You see, he is not here tonight. The GM gave him the night off but with ratings down, its because he cannot afford all of the Top 5’ers to appear on the same show. And while only a Top 5’er in name only, Cultstatus, your quality is shit and your body of work would fit right in with Abeyance if he had a blog. 

But last and the most important thing I have to say, the fact that I am not getting a title shot and this part-time has been who calls himself “The Fuj” is makes me sick. If the GM wants to book like it is 2012 then do that, the numbers reflect that, but I am the number one draw. I am the best. And its not the fact that I am straight edge that makes me better than you its everything about me that makes me better, more impressive and bigger than life and I am not talking about Meekin. You see, I have will power unlike the champ who is strung out on god knows what right now. And when I get the belt, I will get the belt, it will not leave my hands as I am better than everyone else in this damn place. (Parallax leaves then pulls Ziggaman off of the stretcher for another curb stomp” 

And now, we catch up with Wade Michael Meltzer, Gosh Hopkins, and Nebb28

We are in Riverdale, with white picket fences and trees in the front lawn of every home. There all children playing street hockey and neighbors waving to each other. 

Wade: Alright guys, lets do some investigating (He rings a doorbell and a middle-aged lady wearing an apron answers)
Lady: Why, hello! I was baking some cookies do you guys want some
Wade: Well, Tanahashi had four cookies before his matches at the G1 Tournament but I am here for work today, ma’am. Have you seen this person today? (Shows her a picture of Stackhouse)
Lady: (Looks in horror) Oh my god!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (She screams and runs out of her house and down the street while flailing her arms.)
Wade: I had a similar reaction every time I watched the Junkyard Dog wrestle in WCW (followed by smarmy laugh)

The saga will continue next week.

The Fuj vs. Joe Dust

The Fuj is back and gets a title shot, even if Parallax is unhappy. The Fuj gets attacked from behind by Joe Dust as the match is underway. Joe Dust stomps a mudhole into BoD legend. He gets two with a snap suplex then works a chinlock. Joe breaks but misses a clothesline and gets booted down by the Fuj, who takes control of the match. Joe gets dropped with a forerarm smash as Fuj yanks Joe into the center of the ring and goes for his finisher the Fuji Vice (ankle lock) but Joe escapes outside. He regroups and heads back in as he locks up with the Fuj. Joe does not break cleanly then heads up top for a missile dropkick but Fuj blocks it then slaps on the Fuji Vice. Joe tries to escape but is going nowhere and decides to tap out. The Fuj grabs the mic and declares that he is back then leaves the ring. Folks, the Fuj is here and gunning for the BoD Title.

Backstage, the Job Mob arrive. Justice Gray approaches them and tells Jobber to meet with the GM then tells the others that they will be facing Steve Ferrari & Magoonie tonight. Zanatude says that they will defend the Six-Man Titles as Gray tells him that they do not exist. Zanatude tells him to stop being ridiculous then opens a case to reveal three shiny new belts. We have people creating their own championships.

Danimal Crossing is in the locker room as he reveals another clue about his new gimmick. He said that he knows of one thing and that there is nothing stereotypical about it, nothing at all.

GM’s Choice
BoD Name Generator
Racial Stereotype with Lil’ Added to the Name
Racial Stereotype
Mack the Evil Trucker
Saul Gout, Evil Podiatrist

Landmonster is at the concession stands as she is participating in the corn dog eating contest. Correction, its just her 18th snack of the day.

And now, it’s Welcome to the BoD with your host, Abeyance and his sidekick, thebraziliankid

Abeyance: Welcome to the BoD!
Crowd: Thank You!!!!!!
Abeyance: Your welcome. So braziliankid, how are you today?
Kid: I am good. I went to 2nd base with my girlfriend
Abeyance: Where is that?
Kid: I guess it was under her shirt
Abeyance: You people in Brazil play baseball funny
Kid: I guess
Abeyance: Well, our guest also has a girlfriend and he is going to face our friend for the BoD Writer’s Championship. Here is “Marvelous” Matt Perri and his girlfriend, Miss Danielle. 
Perri: Thank you for having me here. As Stranger is out tonight because he had an eye doctor appointment as he is getting fitted for contacts. Can you believe that is the Writer’s Champion (Miss Danielle laughs). Maybe he can see the TV when he watches the baseball playoffs
Abeyance: Speaking of baseball, I saw that you have a girlfriend. Have you ever got to second base with her? 
Kid: I guess it’s under her shirt
Abeyance: Well now you ruined the surprise, LOL!!!!
Kid: I’m sorry
Perri & Danielle: (Dumbfounded) What the………………………… (Dock Muraco interrupts)
Dock: (Points at Danielle) You cost me a **** star match. I was on my way to having one until you interfered. 
Perri: Look at me, Puro. No one cares about star ratings, they care about stars (points at himself and his girl) so go back to watching the G1 and go climax about it afterwards. (Perri gets up to leave but Dock pulls him around. 
Dock: Next week, there is a match as Andy PG and I will take on you and Tommy Hall and **** are guaranteed. 

Hart Killer 09 is in the ring and has the mic:

“There used to be three things that were certain: Death, Taxes, and the fact that Shawn Michaels invented the ladder match. But when I became the first ever BoD Solid B+ Player, I made sure to be the greatest Solid B+ Player of all-time. So, I have given a chance for someone to get carried by me in the ring so whoever has enough heart to answer my open challenge, let me tell you that it ends with you getting screwed. 

No one comes out but all of a sudden we see a bevy of babes as Buck Nasty has made his return to BoD RAW!!!!!!

Buck Nasty w/ The Skank Patrol vs. Hart Killer 09

Buck hits a running knee strike at a charging Hart. Buck does a shimmy then drops a fist. Buck takes Hart out with a dropkick then flies out with a somersault plancha as the Skank Patrol dance in approval. Back inside, Buck covers for two then grabs a headlock. Hart Killer counters with a back suplex then softens up the leg. Buck fights back but gets kicked down as Hart goes back to the leg again. The Skank Patrol rally behind Buck as he fights out. Buck slides underneath Hart and comes back with an enziguiri as both men are down. Buck is up first and he slugs away but gets kneed on a charge in the corner and Hart puts his feet on the ropes as he rolls up Buck for the win. Hart celebrates then grabs the mic and talks about how it is a “Sunny Day.” Buck looks down but the Skank Patrol comfort him and they all leave to go to Chang O’Reilly’s. Yeah.

Jobber is backstage with the GM as they appear to be wrapping up their conversation. The GM tells Jobber that is a reasonable request and easy to accommodate as he can make Nick Piers pay for his own medical bills. They both laugh then Jobber tells the GM he has company as he leaves to head back to his suite. Parallax walks by and stares down the GM. Bayless tells Parallax that he heard his speech out there and admires him for that. He then tells Parallax that he was not his fault that he did not get a title shot at BoD SummerSlam, it was Jef Vinson’s as he cashed in his MoTB Briefcase. The GM ensures Parallax that he had every intention of putting him the title picture and did not expect him to lose the #1 Contender’s match. He then tells Parallax that he has to go and that he should enjoy his Top #5 amenities, such as the premium cable package in the Top 5 Lounge, and that they will continue this conversation next week when the GM invites Parallax into the ring so he can let him air out his grievances. Parallax stares down the GM as he walks away. The GM sort of blew off the Top 5’er there but in fairness, he was busy.

Zanatude & Big Dirty Murph & Stuart Chartock vs. Steve Ferrari & Magoonie

Zanatude has all three of his self-proclaimed six-man championship belts with him as he heads to the ring. The Job Mob all appear a little hungover but what else is new. Ferrari and Magoonie attack the Mob and hammer away. The action spills outside as they brawl around the ring. Murph shatters a Labatt Blue bottle and tries to jig up Magoonie but that fails when Ferrari decks him with a clothesline. Zanatude takes two of his own title belts and uses them to hit Ferrari with a bell clap. The former top dog and current Jobber man crush, Stuart Chartock, attacks Magoonie from behind and OH MY GOD, its the Upper Midcard Express!!! They join in and attack the midcarders as it is a 5-2 attack. JESUS CHRIST ON A CRACKER ITS LANDMONSTER!!!!!!!!!!!! She slowly, and I mean slowly waddles down the ramp as Magoonie and Ferrari are stacked up on a table. If she puts them through a table the Midcard Mafia will be finished forever! Magoonie and Ferrari are bloodied but Kyle Warne, Adam Curry, and Cabspaintedyellow run out for the save as it is a 5 on 5 brawl!!!!! Landmonster stopped for another break then pulls out some Skittles and eats those before leaving. These guys are going all over the arena leaving a trail of destruction behind them. These guys are going non-stop as just about everyone appears to be busted open. Finally, they slow down as White Coat Security run out for the save.

Backstage, Gray tells Bayless that the “reserves” are untouched. Bayless says that means Hoss is out there somewhere and we need to find him.

We are now in the middle of the ring as the crew are preparing for the contract signing between Bayless and Jef Vinson.

The ring is set up and Bayless welcomes out Vinson, who walks out calmly. Bayless alerts Vinson that his days of cheap wins are over but unfortunately his days of cheap whore valets are never going to end. He then tells Vinson to sign the contract as he does without even looking. Bayless laughs as he tells Vinson that he just signed his career away. (Bayless puts a liquid on the paper and rubs it) You see this, you just signed a contract that read if you lose, you will never get a shot at the title ever again. You are finished, Jef Vinson. Just like Chingy’s rap career, your BoD career will be going “Right thur” as he points at a trashcan. Bayless laughs way too hard at is mildly clever reference as Jef grabs the mic. He tells the GM that he does not plan on losing anyway so it doesnt matter what stipulation he adds. Jef then said that he has something else for him as he drags this out a bit as someone appears to be sneaking into the ring from behind. Jef tells the GM to turn around and its………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………… Vinson’s valet! Bayless turns and his frightened as the valet kicks him in the nuts!!!! The crowd loves this as the valet stomps on the GM’s groin area. White Coat Security and the Administration rush the ring but Vinson carries his valet and hops the guardrail through the crowd as they go insane. The GM just got embarrassed by his enemy as we are out of time!!!!!!!!!!!