Saturday Night’s Main Event Countdown: #35

The SmarK Rant for Saturday Night’s Main Event #35 – 08.18.07 Taped from Madison Square Garden. Your hosts are Michael Cole, Jim Ross & JBL Meanwhile, Vince confers with the Coach about who his illegitimate child might be, and Coach promises to investigate. This leads to an awkward reveal that Vince might actually be his father. Oh, we’re getting off to a grand start already, I see. Batista & Kane v. Finlay & The Great Khali Oh yay, the World champion Khali era. Kane pounds on Finlay to start and hits him with a sideslam for two, and Batista comes in with an elbow for two. Batista with a suplex to send Finlay to the floor and we take a break. Back with Khali working on Kane’s ribs, but he gets the hot tag to Batista. Bossman slam gets two on Finlay and Khali gets tied into the ropes. The midget gets abused as a result, and Batista spears and powerbombs Finlay to finish at 7:42. Not much to this one. ** Meanwhile, Vince is tripping out and sees his 80s self in a mirror. Yeah. Meanwhile, MVP hangs out with Holyfield. Vince McMahon and Coach join us to continue their hard-hitting investigation of Vince’s child. Eugene and Melina are eliminated as suspects after some goofy innuendo, and finally Steve Austin is unveiled as the final choice. Hey, he WAS adopted. Austin reminisces a bit about the times he could have been spending with Vince as a child, but then decides to just hit Vince in the nuts and stun Coach instead. Austin feels bad for abusing his potential long lost father and offers him a beer, but then gives him a stunner anyway. The whole storyline was a complete dead end (original plan Kennedy, eventual payoff Hornswoggle) but Vince getting repeatedly smashed in the junk is always entertaining TV and Austin can get any stupid s--- over by sheer force of willpower. John Cena v. Carlito Man, they just kept trying to reheat Carlito even when Carlito himself had no interest in it. Cena chases him out of the ring and we quickly take a break. Back with Carlito in control, but Cena hits the Throwback and goes up with the guillotine legdrop before finishing quick with the STF at 4:19. Literally only 2:00 of this was actually shown. * Randy Orton lays him out with an RKO on a chair afterwards to build up the most boring Summerslam main event ever. Boxing match: Evander Holyfield v. Matt Hardy This was supposed to be Hardy v. MVP, but MVP backed out due to his legit heart problems (which were discovered as an indirect result of the Benoit investigation) and we get this freakshow instead. Michael Buffer as the ring announcer, declaring that MVP is “STRAIGHT UP BALLLLLLLIN” is worth your $9.99 right there. So Holyfield unsurprisingly destroys Matt in every way. I suspect that this boxing match might not be on the up-and-up. Matt makes it through the first round and MVP offers some unwanted coaching to Evander (I’m reminded of “You, Strawberry, hit a home run!”) until Holyfield has finally had enough and just knocks MVP out instead. This was goofy comedy right out of the 80s, but it was fun. The Boogeyman & CM Punk v. Big Daddy V & John Morrison So this was a real match. Morrison was ECW champion and looking to hold onto it long-term, but in another weird side-effect of Benoit’s death John got popped for steroids during the ensuing fallout and Punk ended up with the belt instead, kickstarting his career for good. Punk with a backslide on Morrison for two and a leg lariat for two. And we take a break. Back with Boogeyman consuming some worms for energy, but Big Daddy lays him out and pounds away in the corner. Blind charge misses and Punk gets the hot tag, hitting a springboard clothesline for two. Morrison blocks the bulldog for two, but Punk cradles for the pin at 6:15. *1/2 The Pulse This show was decidedly light on wrestling to say the least, kind of a throwback to what Vince wanted the show to be in the 80s, and while it wasn’t terrible there’s nothing here you can’t skip in a heartbeat. No good matches and some stupid comedy is not exactly classic material.