In the first season of Total Divas, we met five veteran Divas: Nikki, Brie, Natalya, Cameron and Naomi and two Newbies, Eva Marie and JoJo. Season Two, JoJo was written out (in part for being a non-entity on this show and in WWE), and veteran Summer Rae was written in. (MATT: Early comment here – I’m not sure this is a fair trade.) This season, we don’t lose any from Season Two (I would have nominated Summer Rae had I been asked), but we do gain veteran Rosa Mendes. She had to take time off and has now returned. Of course she’ll get along great with the new Divas…oh, who I am kidding? This won’t be smooth sailing. Not one f------ bit.
I’m joined, this week, by both my boyfriend, Matt Perri and our good friend, Tania Pereira, to see what kind of snark we’ll have for you. Fair warning: we drank four bottles of wine between the three of us while watching this.
WE START WITH CLIPS FROM LAST SEASON:
WrestleMania XXX – New Orleans, LA
All the girls talk about how amazing Wrestlemania 30 was for them. Brie says not only were they all in a title match, (MATT: Yes, that was the worst match of the entire show, which the crowd s--- on because they were still pissed about the end of The Undertaker’s streak, which their match followed. Soooo “amazing”.) but Daniel Bryan won the championship and they got married. Nikki, who has to make everything about herself, thought seeing John in that moment was romantic. They show the guests at the wedding chanting YES, edited in with the crowd from WrestleMania.
Eva Marie and John
Eva Marie says she’s always wanted a wedding and wanted her dad to walk her down the aisle. Even though she snuck off and eloped already and her parents know. So, they have to have a “Save the Date” photo shoot — he wears no shirt and looks like a Bronie douche and she wears nothing but a black mesh lingerie set and heels (MATT: The editors are real cool about this and blur her nipples. How sweet.), making Fredericks of Hollywood look like a Disney film. “I want to look back on this and say we were hot,” she says. (TANIA: Me and Mike, right there!)
Monday Night Raw
Natalya meets Rosa Mendes backstage. They share a big hug. Rosa, who’s apparently allowed to say anything she wants no matter how false, proclaims that she’s “34, but I look like I’m 24!” (TANIA: Check out the ego on YOU, chick.) (MATT: Your name is ROSA Mendes, not EVA Mendes.) Rosa has been around for eight years and says that if it weren’t for WWE, she’s not sure would be alive today. Rosa took a year-and-a-half break and now she’s back (MATT: …why?) Rosa shows up for a show in an outfit which shows side-boob. (TANIA: But…Nattie’s showing boob, too…) Natalya yells at her for having her breasts hanging out (TANIA: Nattie has cleavage!) and tells the camera that Rosa showing boob isn’t ok. (TANIA: Am I the ONLY one seeing Nattie’s enormous tits hanging out of her top here or…?)
Backstage – Naomi, Cameron and Eva Marie
Eva Marie wants to show photos of her Save the Date session to the Funkadactyls and asks them for advice on which photos to use. They’re incredulous and tell her that it looks like a porn shoot. Cameron points a nipple is showing (MATT: Stop bragging.) and then says that one photo looks like she’s “getting it from the back”. Naomi can’t imagine using ANY of them for a Save the Date: “I can’t imagine my brother seeing me like that. Tittus O’Neil shows up and looks, then pretends he doesn’t have a penis and says “Oh, hell no! Not for a Save the Date!” (TANIA: Yeah, I’d use them for myself, not a Save the Date.)
WWE Main Event
It’s a Divas Battle Royal and Rosa’s back, hoping to “regain their trust”. (MATT: Nice gloss over the stint in rehab which would have been more dramatic than snapping semi-nude photos for five minutes, but whatever.) Tamina wins the thing. Rosa’s impressed when Cameron uses her ass as a weapon.
Chestnut Fine Foods
The Bella Twins are hanging out and eating. Nikki says that John (Cena, of course) is going to bed (MATT: At 2 PM?! What, is hey 85 years old?) and says that she needs to text him to say goodnight. Brie asks how their relationship is going and Nikki says that he acted weird and asked a strange question: “If I were to ask you to marry me, and we get married, would that be enough?” (TANIA: Oh, so romantic.) (MATT: Whoa! That was what I said before I asked MY ex to marry me!) Brie is bothered by this and says that doesn’t deserve a simple answer. She says she feels like she is required to protect her. Brie asks if Nikki is willing to sacrifice kids and “be the one to make decisions”. (TANIA: God forbid a woman makes “decisions”.)
In a weird moment, Brie arbitrarily declares that they go and freeze Nikki’s eggs. (MATT: Well…this episode had to be about something, so…) Even Nikki’s not buying this storyline one bit. Brie says she’ll go with Nikki. Nikki asks her if you walk in, “spread your legs and they take your eggs”. She asks about the technique. Brie squints and shakes her head and then says, “Actually, I have no idea how it works.” (MATT: Good looking out, Brie. Good looking out.)
So, they Google it. Just like in the great Treemen Debate.
Nikki says that the cost of removing and freezing the eggs is “ten grand”.
MATT (laughing): Oh, come ON! What, did she go to f------ Amazon and look that up?
TANIA: Amazon’s a powerful tool!
WWE Friday Night Smackdown
Mark Carrano, Senior Director of Talent Relations, is backstage, talking to all the Divas. Mark says that he would, first, like to welcome back Rosa Mendes, prompting a couple “yays” and sporadic clapping from two of the girls.
It’s pretty much this. I’m not even kidding.
TANIA: Jesus, The Ebola Virus could get a bigger welcome than that.
MATT: Yes! That’s why we included you — topical humor for our dedicated and loyal audience.
Brie says that Rosa’s absence was due to her reputation of “being out of control”. But she hopes Rosa can handle the road again. (MATT: She should help out by suggesting that Rosa freeze her eggs.) Mark says that he really wants to have Rosa take advantage of the opportunity and to hit it out of the park. She brags that her boobs are two sizes bigger and that she has a smaller waist size, so the girls all look jealous of her looks. Mark asks if anyone’s heard from Summer and if she’s “still filming that movie.” All the girls shoot knowing looks at one another. Mark makes Nattie stay to help Rosa and says to be a big sister and even share a room. Nattie ain’t happy and says that she’d rather scrub her toilet bowl, babysit Summer, and then says Rose is “Jeffrey Dahmer”. She says that there better be a Divas Title shot in her future.
Nattie pulls Rosa aside backstage and tells her of the arrangement. Rosa finally admits that she was in rehab during her absence. Rosa says that she is worth the arrangement and that she can prove that she’s okay again. Nattie agrees and tells her to do just that.
We get establishing shots of skateboarders, the beach and the Golden Gate Bridge because we’re in Concord, California. Home to the famous Golden Gate Bridge and many beaches.
John and Eva are driving. Eva says she’s “fat”. John tells her that Maxim voted her one of the hottest women on the planet. Eva: “Whatever”. They are excited to go see her parents to tell them they’re having a wedding and about the photos. Eva says that everyone will be happy and asks, “What’s the worst that could happen?” (TANIA: *Shakes her head*)
The Bellas and Daniel Bryan are having dinner with Brie’s family. Brie has baby fever and Brie says that Daniel will be an amazing dad. Brie’s brother and his wife nod in submissive approval. (MATT: Probably at gunpoint. That’s how half these episodes work.) Out of the f------ blue, Nikki announces she’s freezing her eggs with the same tone one might announce they just purchased a new car.
TANIA: How can I add to the conversation and steal Brie’s joy and thunder? OH! I’m freezing my eggs! Isn’t that AWESOME?!
MATT: I’m freezing my eggs! How’s the soup?
TANIA: I’m freezing my eggs! Who wants dessert? I’m gonna have the cake…
MATT: I just murdered a guy in alley before we came to eat! How’s everyone feeling tonight? HA, ha, ha, ha!
Brie looks slightly miffed while Daniel Bryan sits there, like JoJo, not saying a single word about anything. Nikki isn’t gonna tell John Cena anything. In an even weirder moment, Daniel offers to “freeze his sperm”. (MATT: Nikki almost smiles — AND NEARLY CONSIDERS THIS. CHECK THE TAPE. THE EVIDENCE IS THERE.) They toast to Nikki freezing her eggs. Nikki thanks them for “toasting her pussy”. (MATT: Holy s---, what the f--- is this show now?!)
Eva greets her parents, comprised of 50’s Hair-Do Mom and Lecherous Father who seems perpetually drunk. (MATT: Ew…god…he’s licking her neck…) (Tania imitates this and I shudder.) Her family guesses she is pregnant, which Eva is almost offended by. Eva shows them their photos. They aren’t impressed. The family toasts with booze because it’s time to get drunk.
SAN DIEGO, CA
The Bellas go to check out the egg-freezing process. The doctor mentions that it would involve checking her hormone levels to make sure her ovaries are protected. She says there is to be no alcohol, no jacuzzi, no smoking, and no intercourse until “harvesting” is over. (MATT: This is really creepy-sounding — and for the record, who’d want the Bellas to re-produce in any fashion?) Nikki hates the rules and says that drinking and sex are her life. Also, she’s warned, try not get punched in the vagina.
Back to CONCORD, CA!
MATT: They don’t even care, do they? They’ll just keep showing the f------ bridge even though it’s a good 30 miles away from Concord.
TANIA (pointing to the land mass on the right of the bridge): That’s Concord right over there. The bridge connects San Francisco to Concord. This is common knowledge.
MATT (pointing at three spots to the left): So, I guess that’s Pleasanton, Stockton and Hayward right there? I didn’t know that. And that whole populated segment is San Jose?
TANIA (giggling): That’s EXACTLY right. You need to get on board the geography, Matt.
It’s family dinner time at Eva Marie’s parents’ place. Her Dad says that he’s thrilled that he gets to walk Eva down the aisle. The family starts the usual game of 20 Questions regarding the wedding: location, number of guests, etc. Eva says this is gonna be a non-denominational wedding. John says he’s not Catholic and he wasn’t raised as such. The family looks at him like an alien and suggests he convert. John explains that he won’t change his religious views just for the sake of having a traditional wedding. (MATT: Woooo…this sounds very familiar…)
John and Nikki’s House
Lo and behold: John Cena has an interior decorator. He answers the door and apologizes to her for “keeping her waiting”. (TANIA: “Keeping her waiting”?! He answered the door on the first doorbell!) Nikki says their house will be a “home”, like “Downton Abbey”. Nikki says that there’s a nurse coming to check her blood because she’s on “Day Three of her period”. (TANIA: She’s on the “third day of her period” and she’s wearing WHITE PANTS? Boy…she’s got balls…) She’s gonna do it at the house. While Cena’s there. And risk getting caught. (MATT: There’s like 82 cameras around this place. How the f--- can you “sneak around”?) When the nurse DOES show, she gets her blood drawn while Cena comes looking for her. He finds her as she’s shutting the goddamn front door after letting the nurse out of the house.
MATT: And he doesn’t so much as ask, “Who was that?” or “Who’s that pulling out of the driveway right now?” or “How did they get the gate code?” or…
TANIA: Stop questioning the iron-clad logic of the show.
Rosa & Natalya’s Hotel Room
Rosa’s nude when Nattie walks in. Completely nude. (MATT: Even blurred, there is no arousal factor here. None.)
Eva’s Mom’s Car
Eva’s blowing off steam with her Mom, running errands. (MATT: Running errands with your mother must only work if you’re a girl.) Eva gets a call from her Dad who tells them, “If you don’t come quick, all my pies will be eaten!” (TANIA: How do we know he’s talking about actual pies and not using some sort of sexual euphemism?) Eva’s Mom casually mentions that he’s been getting Chemo shots. Eva is shocked.
Eva’s Parents’ House
Eva isn’t happy to learn about her Dad’s colon cancer. Her family makes her feel better by revealing that the cancer is “inoperable”.
SAN DIEGO, CA
Weird Skrillex Dub-step scores the Bellas into the clinic. Nikki says she is getting an ultrasound to see how fertile she is. The doctor says that she does “everything vaginal”. (TANIA: I do everything “vaginal”, too!) Brie is weirded out that she has to stare at Nikki’s vagina the entire time. The doctor tells Nikki that her ovaries look good (MATT: Whew…my heart was in my throat. She’s pushing 30 after all.) Nikki’s stoked about this and she’s gonna start on her ten-day med program, which will be really hard to do.
Eva and John hang out at a park, just adjacent to the Golden Gate. She feels guilty because she’s caused her Dad a lot of stress. She asks if it’s so bad to go Catholic for her Dad. John: “Yes.” He says that beliefs are who he is. It’s not like a shirt you can just change. Eva says her parents have been there for her, good or bad. John says he understands that but he can’t compromise on something like that. They have an uneasy truce at this point and we move on.
SAN DIEGO, CA
Nikki and Brie are driving. Brie is grossed out by Nikki’s vagina. Nikki calls her weird. Brie says she only got a look for five seconds. (TANIA: You can see a lot in five seconds. A lot.) Brie asks if Nikki needs her to give her the vaginal shot. (MATT: …) (TANIA: Just…don’t.) The two talk about shaved vaginas and then finally ask how Nikki will hide things from John.
Eva wants to be loyal to her fiance but doesn’t know how much time has with her Dad. Eva sobs as her Dad says he’s proud of her — all while holding his garden hose in a weird, suggestive manner. (TANIA: This is some surreal s--- right here.)
Rosa Mendes is complaining about feeling like s--- for her first match in a year and a half. Backstage, Titus O’Neil tells her she looks exhausted. Rosa says she thinks all eyes are on her and that everyone thinks she’ll fail. Nattie ends up winning their match.
Rosa freaks out and says she was horrible in the ring as Cameron and Eva look on. Nattie tries to console her. Nattie tells her that they’ll work over her character and everything will be fine.
SAN DIEGO, CA
John & Nikki’s House
Nikki is all chill but Cena finds her meds and asks what they are…and we end like that.
(MATT: WHAT A TWIST!)
THIS SEASON ON TOTAL DIVAS:
- Daniel Bryan needs surgery
- Brie “quits” WWE.
- Rosa is suddenly a lesbian
- Jimmy Uso is still abusive.
- Nikki and Brie argue about panties covering their vaginas.
- Nattie hates Tyson Kidd. Where’s Jarrod?!
This week’s hug goes to: Natalya – She’s never given the chance to be her own person or wrestler, having to babysit yet again. While I’m not a huge fan of her, she has my sympathy.
This week’s punch goes to: Nikki – Can’t she ever be honest? And, Christ, do we actually believe that Cena knew NOTHING about any of the freezing egg s---?
This week’s hug goes to: Nikki – For successfully concealing a nurse in Jonh’s house. She is awesome when is comes to lying ’til she can’t lie anymore. Also, bitch wore white pants during her period. That counts for SOMETHING.
This week’s punch goes to: Eva Marie – Could you make a simple wedding bigger than it has to be? And also to Brie for claiming that she only stared at Nikki’s vagina for “5 seconds”. Were you reminding yourself that you were being held back while in the womb?
This week’s hug goes to: Rosa Mendes. Hey, she recovered. She’s back. She was nude. That was cool. I didn’t have to see her nude. That was even better. But, she’s coming back and that’s admirable.
I don’t punch chicks. So…the Annoying Diva of the Week is…Nikki. Holy. F------. S---. What would make Nikki annoying? Make her do all the s--- she’s been banned from doing the past three seasons: constant vagina jokes on tap, completely random storylines that make no sense, and lying to John Cena who must think that he’s in another f------ dimension with this girl.