The SmarK Rant for Monday Night RAW–06.05.95

The SmarK Rant for Monday Night RAW – 06.05.95 Live from Struthers, OH. Your hosts are Vince McMahon & Jerry Lawler For some reason the sound on this episode is super-compressed and tinny, like it’s from a RealPlayer file in 1997 or something. Caribbean Legend Savio Vega v. Kenny Kendall The legend that no one ever heard of until a week before this! Savio slugs away in the corner but Kenny fires back and talks trash. The man’s a legend! It says so right in his ring introduction! Savio elbows him down and finishes with some sort of abdominal stretch variation at 2:00. He’s Razor’s buddy! You should totally cheer him no matter how boring he is in the ring! Meanwhile, Diesel leads the New Generation! Right to plummeting buyrates and cancelled house shows. Oddly, ratings hit record highs around this point, but held no correlation with anything that actually made money for the company. Meanwhile, The Bodydonnas warm up before the next match. My wife’s commentary on it: “His penis looks tiny!” I decide to spare her the gory details of how their relationship ended up because why kick a guy when he’s down? Skip Bodydonna v. Barry Horowitz And so Sunny makes her RAW debut and completely eclipses her poor boyfriend right away. Barry with a pair of hiptosses, but Skip hits him with a gutwrench and goes up with an elbow. Candido is just ridiculously bloated here, looking like he can barely move. Top rope legdrop finishes at 2:37. King of the Ring Report with Todd. Were they seriously promoting Roadie v. Bob Holly as a match that people would want to spend money on? King of the Ring Qualifier: Owen Hart v. British Bulldog We’ve switched to Jim Ross & Gorilla Monsoon on commentary and we’re now in a totally different arena. A quick check reveals that in fact this was a dark match from the first In Your House PPV that has been repurposed as a qualifying match, and thus is nearly a month old! In fact, Davey was busy with his assault trial in Calgary at the point this show was airing. Smith overpowers Owen and works on the arm to start, then follows with a delayed suplex for two. We hit the chinlock as they take their time and telegraph the draw (whoops, spoiler) from a mile away. We take a break and return with Owen hitting the leg lariat for two. JR is already pointing out that we’re 10:00 into a 15:00 time limit. Owen with the sleeper, but Bulldog escapes with a backdrop suplex and gets a sunset flip for two. Owen puts him down with another leg lariat for two, but Bulldog slingshots him into the corner and follows with a Perfectplex for two. Davey with the bow-and-arrow hold, which gets two. Powerslam gets two as the announcers try to build up excitement for this match that is clearly not there. Bulldog with a small package for two. Crucifix gets two. Owen with his own cradle for two, but Bulldog reverses for two. Owen with a sunset flip for two and backslide for two, but time expires at 15:00. And it’s EXACTLY 15:00, so kudos to the timekeeper. Hopefully he doesn’t get fired in petty cost-cutting measures 19 years from this match. ***1/2 So with no winner there, we are once again left to the devices of Jack Tunney to figure out the solution. Meanwhile, Jerry Lawler hasn’t washed his feet in weeks, in preparation for the Kiss My Foot match. Bret Hart joins us to warn Lawler that he’s going to shove Lawler’s own foot down his throat after he wins. Jean Pierre LaFitte v. Jerry Flynn Hey, it’s Goldberg’s favorite jobber! LaFitte tosses him and hits a tope, and back in for the Cannonball senton to finish at 1:26. Much more impressive squash than his debut, and he’s already noticeably dropped muscle mass and moving faster. Bob Backlund campaigns to an empty parking lot to wrap it up for the week. Next week: Yokozuna v. Lex Luger in the real King of the Ring qualifier! Good match from Bulldog & Owen, although why they felt the need to pull out a taped match from weeks earlier instead of just doing the Yoko-Luger match in the first place is a mystery to me.