This has nothing to do with the WWE
GM Bayless is in the ring with The Administration. Newest member, Nebb28, is wearing a tuxedo t-shirt and a chauffeur’s hat. A happy Bayless grabs the mic
“Tonight, I have a lot of good news for all of you as the BoD Heavyweight Champion, Jobber123, will be here with his entourage as we have his celebration ceremony. And what a celebration it will be as I have ordered all of the top girls from the Cellular Twat to be present as we do not want the lunch buffet skanks to dance in the same ring as the champ. I also have got the new champ a gift that will be on display for all to see. Another gift is that Jef Vinson has been banned from the building tonight but dont you worry, he will be posting GIF’s of the lunch buffet dancers soon enough.
I also have news about another person who will not be here .Magoonie has not been cleared to return to action. BoD Medical Director, Miss Diagnosis, will be performing an extensive battery of tests to make sure he is able to return after my pet rock hit him in the head (Nebb28 hangs his head in shame when the GM called the pet rock his). Despite graduating last in her class at Botch Hopkins Medical School, she still gets to be called “doctor.”
And the other two members of the Midcard Mafia, Piers & Ferrari, you will get your shot at BoD Tag Team Titles at Night of Champions in a Gauntlet match against every other team that you robbed after you snuck into the battle royal at SummerSlam. And, you will be the first team entered as you have to go through ten other teams if you want to face the Upper Midcard Express.
Now, I have to go as Nebb has some errands to run. Nebb, you make Jobber’s pickup at the dispensary and get those fruit plates we ordered. Tonight is going to be a wonderful night.”
Here is the bracket for the BoD Writer’s Championship #1 Contender’s Tournament
Tommy Hall vs. Chris Fothergill-Brown
Andy PG vs. Darren X
“Marvelous” Matt Perri vs. Dock Muraco
Kyle Fitta vs. Logan Scisco
BoD Writer’s Championship #1 Contender Tournament Match
Chris Fothergill-Brown vs. Tommy Hall
Fothergill-Brown makes his debut here against one of the favorites to win the tournament. Hall, sporting another part of his QB Draft Pick Collection with a Heath Shuler throwback, jumps FB before the bell. Hall hammers away then tosses FB to the floor then does his “Make it Rain” taunt before going outside and beating on him some more. In the ring, Hall hits a flying shoulder tackle as FB cannot get anything going on offense. Hall sets up for a clothesline in the corner but FB rolls away and starts to fire away. FB with a backdrop then a spinning heel kick that sends Hall to the mat. FB climbs up top and flies off with a flying body press as Hall manages to kick out. FB charges but Hall catches him and stunguns him then drags FB near the corner and finishes him off with the Vader Bomb. Hall then reaches deep into the pockets of his Fila sweatpants and digs out an e-book dollar, which is not legitimate currency, and sticks it into FB’s mouth. FB is paying his dues here folks as Hall advances to the semi-finals. I feel like Abeyance should be welcoming FB to the BoD after he got that e-book dollar stuffed in his mouth.
And now after a lengthy absence, here is the return of “Welcome to the BoD” with your host, Abeyance.
Abeyance: How is everybody doing?
Abeyance: So am I. Let me introduce to you my new co-host, thebraziliankid!!!!!!!!
Crowd: Welcome to the BoD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
thebraziliankid: I’ve been here before
Crowd: We know
Abeyance: I know too
thebraziliankid: So Do I
Abeyance: After getting hurt by Hoss, we are back and healthy, no longer in wheelchairs
thebraziliankid: I am in a wheelchair (the chair is your typical office chair with wheels)
Abeyance: There are wheels on the chair but that is different. Anyway we have two guests this week. One is Buck Nasty and the other is Hoss
(Crowd cheers Buck Nasty and boos Hoss)
Hoss: SHUT UP!!!!! SHUT UP!!!!! THE BOARD OF DIRECTORS THREATENED TO REVOKE MY YEARLY PASS TO THE ICE CREAM SUNDAE BAR IF I HIT SOMEONE TONIGHT!!!!! HOSS MAKES PEOPLE SCREAM AND EATS ICE CREAM!!!!! ITS WHAT I DO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Buck Nasty: Well, I am the pussy-poppin’, elbow-droppin’ son of a gun!!!!!
Abeyance & thebraziliankid: Wooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!
HOSS: YOU TWO SHUT YOUR MOUTHS!!!!!!! HOSS CANT STAY IN THIS ROOM WITHOUT BEATING SOMEONE UP. (Hoss gets up and kicks down the set before leaving)
Abeyance: Well, that is it.
thebraziliankid: Do we get ice cream
Abeyance: I think so
Buck Nasty: That sounds good. (Points at a skank) Think I’ll hit this then the ice cream sundae bar afterwards.
Abeyance: You can’t hit people and eat ice cream
thebraziliankid: I know. You should just pop pussy instead because elbow drops hurt.
Abeyance & thebrazilankid: Woooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!
Buck Nasty What the ………………………………..
Backstage, we see GM Bayless being approached by Justice Gray, who says there is a list of lowercard accounts complaining about not being on the show. Bayless is pissed off by this, and says that its his show and he’ll have on it who he damn well pleases. Bayless takes Gray’s list and seeing as its in alphabetical order, the first person on it, Alex Bull, will get a match with Archie Stackhouse tonight, to make an example out of the lowercard. WILL BAYLESS EVER STOP SCREWING OVER HIS HARD WORKING EMPLOYEES?
BoD Writer’s Championship #1 Contender’s Tournament
Andy PG vs Darren X
Darren X is hyped to be here, as the QOTD giver has shown some remarkable restraint in regards to relentlessly plugging his side ventures and starting trollfests with his loyal commenters. Andy PG is consulting Scott Keith rants on his non-corporate branded tablet for advice as he walks down the ramp, but the best he seems to be getting is “Don’t sunset flip someone holding a trash can lid.” Sage advice in any circumstance. The two dont bother with the chain wrestling sequence and just go right into the strike exchange. Chop! Forearm! Shoot Kick! Hook Kick! Spinning Backfist! Double Dragon Jump Kick! Hadouken! Wait, how did that last one happen? Darren X is reeling from this comedy puro assault, and gets pushed into the corner, enabling Andy to hit hard with a Stinger Splash! 1….2….NO! Darren gets out of it. Andy maintains the attack into an Irish Whip, but Darren counters the neckbreaker with one of his own and both go down! Darren rises first, taking over with strikes and a Leg Lariat off the ropes, then hits a big Twisting Snap Powerslam! 1….2….NO! Andy gets out of it. Darren goes for the finish, setting up Andy for the X Out(Straightjacket Back Side Slam) but Andy works his arm free and counters into a huge DDT! Andy then heads to the apron, springs off the ropes, and hits a spectacular Monday Night Special(Kidd Blockbuster)! 1….2…..3! Andy pins Darren to advance to the next round!
Danimal Crossing is backstage. He says that he spun the wheel last week and has a new gimmick but a clue will be revealed each week. He said last week it was not the GM’s choice and this week his name was not generated. Here are the gimmicks from the wheel:
BoD NXT Name Generator
Racial Stereotype with Lil’ added to the name
Mack the Evil Trucker
Saul Gout, Evil Podiatrist
What clue will be revealed next week?
Archie Stackhouse vs AlexBull
AlexBull comes out dressed to impress with a ’91 Joe Prokop throwback. Archie comes out, rocking a ’76 Riverdale High letterman’s jacket alongside his three colleagues Moose, Reggie, and Hot Dog. I have a bad feeling about this one. Alex tries to use a flurry of forearms, front kicks, and elbows to take the pace from Archie early, but you know this isn’t gonna take. And surely enough, Archie blocks a charging forearm to the corner with……Muay Thai strikes? Targeted to the ribs and legs for maximum stopping power? Archie then shifts into high-intensity throws! Exploder ’91! Spinning Belly to Belly Suplex! Pump Handle Buster! 1….2….NO! Alex kicks out of this Cooltrainer Bret-inspired offense, and Archie offers him sarcastic applause. Switchblade Kiss(Running Enzuigiri)! Riverdale Welcome(Top Rope Knee Strike)…..is ducked by Alex, who tries to make a comeback! Forearms! Front Kick! Snapmare! Stomps! Bull whips Archie off the ropes and hits a big back elbow, knocking down Archie! Alex tries to feed off the crowd’s energy for a comeback, but Archie cuts it off by throwing Alex shoulder-first into the turnbuckles. Tiger Suplex to Alex! That one rocke-BURNING LARIAT! ALEX HAS BEEN COMPLETELY DESTROYED! Archie sending a clear message to the still MIA Cooltrainer Bret and any enemies of Bayless, but he isn’t done yet! Neck Crank! Burning Hammer! Burning Lariat! CRITICAL NECK CRANK! Alex is out cold, and before Archie picks him up for more the ref stops the match and awards Archie the victory!
As Archie is hoisted onto the shoulders of his Riverdale High compatriots, out comes……the UnStable?!?!?!?!? Gideon Stargrave proclaims that hes brought back his still banged-up friends because no one can steal the spotlight from the craziest stable in wrestling and get away with it. Stennick says that Stackhouse is just catering to all the goddamn smarks following this shit by writing stuff that’s just cryptic crazy and awesome, and therefore Stackhouse should be fired and replaced with Mike Bennett, a real fucking wrestler and not an indy spot monkey who abuses the Neck Crank despite having a somewhat more diverse moveset and an alternate finish. Baker threatens to fantasy book Stackhouse in a storyline involving disgruntled spam account enhancement talents feuding with the Top 5 and raping Mirror Universe Brianna Bayless in the back of her car. Eventually, the three get to the point, and challenge Stackhouse to a 3 on 1 handicap match next week. Stackhouse accepts, and laughs his ass off at what is about to ensue.
And now, lets go back to New Zealand to see the training session between Tony Garea and YJ2310. Lets see what is happening in the Garea Dungeon:
Garea: So, its quiz time. You are booked to lose a match against someone who is hire up on the card than you. The match is on second and that leaves you plenty of time to leave and beat traffic. How do you wrestle the match?
YJ2310: I start the match a house-of-fire, take 95% of the offense, then lose when I miss a crossbody so the other guy doesnt get over and I roll right out of the ring and get to beat traffic early
Garea: (Angry) GOD DAMMIT YA YANKEE!!!!!! YOU LOOK MISERABLE WHEN YOUR NAME IS INTRODUCED SO THEY ARE MISERABLE TOO WHEN YA LOSE. FOR FUCKS SAKE A BAG OF KOALA SHIT WOULD HAVE GOTTEN THAT RIGHT!!!!!!!!!!
Garea: Ya ain’t ready yet son. Ya need some more training.
The Upper Midcard Express enter the GM’s office as kbjone wheels in a chalkboard. kbjone says that he still cannot understand why they are facing midcarders as they are upper-midcarders. kbjone then shows this on a bar graph to the GM. Bayless tells them that it indeed does not make sense because those midcarders never belonged in the match to begin and got in only because they cheated. kbjone then uses his hands to show how they are higher up on the card than the midcarders but GM tells him he gets his point. He then tells them that next week, he has two new opponents lined up for him that have been training in NXT for a few months. Bayless then tells Petuka that he cannot afford to call in the National Guard when the Petuka Bazooka goes off but next week, he will have the funds. The UMX approve and head out of the office.
Backstage, we see Mikey Mike signing the UPS packet for his title, as his threat of a Columbus Steamer was apparently quite scary to the UPS staff. The courier demands a tip, and Mike hands him a coupon for a free glorified microwave pizza pocket w/ watered down fountain drink at Pizza Hut. Class act, that Mike. Whaddya mean, Pizza Hut sucks?
Oh yeah, the match between DBSM and Mikey Mike for the C-List strap is NEXT~!
C-List Title Bout: Mikey Mike vs David Bonzai Saldana Montgomery
DBSM won a heated Best of 5 with Night to get here, while Mike won a battle royal to become the first C-List champion. The two lock up, showcasing chain wrestling ability above that of your average C-Lister. Mikey Mike tries winning the early sequence with a deep arm drag, but DBSM does an excellent lucha-style reversal, gaining control of both arms and shifting neatly into a Whirlwind Backslide! 1……2.NO! Mike kicks out. Seems the ref was slow on the mark there. DBSM and Mikey Mike resume the hold exchange, but this time Mike hits the arm drag, sends DBSM to the outside, and hits a big dive to take DBSM out! Mike hauls him back in the ring and comes off the top rope with a Missile Dropkick, then picks him up for a Jersey Burn(Swinging Sitout Side Slam), only for DBSM to counter into a small package! 1……2.Reversed! 1….2…DBSM kicks out, but the ref counts 3 anyways! The fuck was that? DBSM insists he kicked out in time, but the ref’s hearing none of it. DBSM shoves Mike just as he has the belt strapped around his waist, but Mike insists he had no idea what happened. Suddenly, Biscuit appears on the ramp, flashing the thumbs up to the ref as he exits the ring. DBSM goes after him, but Biscuit is bumrushed by Night first, who hits Biscuit from behind with a pair of brass knuckles and throws him into the BoD Raw set! The brawl spills into the Recsport Position, and Biscuit is thrown right into a production case just before White Coat Security and nameless indy accounts from TNAMecca come to break the fight up! THIS FEUD IS CONTINUING.
An angry Parallax is backstage. He runs into GM Bayless who is preparing for the celebration party. Parallax says that he wants a title shot. Bayless tells him that he has not delivered lately. He also says that Cultstatus gets a rematch and that Abeyance gets an obligatory title shot when he hits the 30,000 post mark and that the Fuj was not pinned at BoD SummerSlam and he is ahead of him on the pecking order as well. He also says that he might want a shot at the title himself so for now, he has to wait. He then says that he should relax and take advantage of the Top 5 Lounge Spa to get his mind clear and focused. Bayless leaves as Parallax does not look any happier.
Hello, I am “Happening” Harry Broadhurst. Here are two more facts about myself
Harry Fact #7: Harry prefers grilled chicken over baked
Harry Fact #8: Harry always rocks his khakis with a cuff and a crease
Now you know all about Harry!
And now, the ring is set up for the celebration. Bayless and Justice Gray are in the ring as the rest of the Administration and White Coat Security surround the ring. Archie Stackhouse has apparently went back to Riverdale to scare the shit out of the locals. Bayless then welcomes the BoD Champion, Jobber123 to the ring. Jobber comes out with his hand-picked entourage including Stuart Chartock, Zanatude, and Big Dirty Murph, who comes to the ring with a joint hanging out of his mouth. As per the champ’s request, security is making all of the fat kids in the crowd turn their backs to him as he enters. The champ enters to a scattering of boos. Jobber reaches into his fanny pack and washes down some pills with a vodka and club soda. Bayless then grabs the mic:
” BoD Nation, I welcome you to your champion. The champion that I have backed. The champion who will be the anti-hero. You see, I have been plotting this for weeks. I have a campaign rolled out with ads, in radio, print, and TV, that has Jobber as the anti-hero who the kids all want to be like but can’t. And knowing that they can’t, they will attempt to imitate and with that, we will get their money, their parents money and all of the money from you. But Jobber, this is your night so I took it upon myself to get rid of travel and food expenses for the lower-midcard in order to give you an appropriate gift. Barlow and Munson, bring out the gift. (Trunk Barlow & Roth Munson then bring out a TV) I know you have a 75 inch TV at home but tonight, you get an 85 inch TV and best of all, it is the curved kind. (Jobber looks ecstatic at his new gift). You can put them side by side buddy. (Murph puts out his joint on the ground as Bayless orders Nebb to pick it up). And now, my first video of the Anti-Hero campaign. (The screen is not working. Bayless yells at Nebb to fix it then the screen appears but it is not the campaign but rather…………………..JEF VINSON HIGHLIGHTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
Bayless is screaming about what is going on then from the crowd comes Jef Vinson as he blows past security, tossing people out of his way. Now, Adam Curry, Nick Piers, Steve Ferrari, Andy PG, Dancin’ Devin & Lil’ James all come out to and a wild brawl has erupted!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Bayless and the champ bail as Vinson is in the ring and smashes the TV!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The crowd is going out of their minds as the brawl continues, with the good guys finally clearing the ring. Vinson points at Bayless, who screams profanities at him for ruining his party. Jobber points to his belt as Vinson runs and leaps over everyone on the floor, using the bodies to soften his blow. He then runs right after Bayless and Jobber, right through the locker room. Bayless and Jobber run into a limo and it takes off just in time as Vinson throws a lava lamp from lavalovers.com that hits the limo. Vinson is not going to sit home and take this abuse and it is clear that he scares both the champ and the GM. WE ARE OUT OF TIME. TUNE IN NEXT WEEK TO FIND OUT WHAT HAPPENS NEXT!!!!