Matt’s Main Event Recap – 8/19/2014

Man…the WWE roster is, indeed thin.

Look at this: we’re actually USING Mark Henry and Big Show again. And they’re squashing The Wyatt Family who, for some reason, are jobbing to them.

Lesnar’s champion again. I don’t really care. He’s like Cena, only mean. Also, he’s the one storyline I think me and Andy PG agree on.

I will never understand the WWE Creative Staff. I don’t know what they fear in putting the title on somebody different. Rollins gets massive heat and would make an incredible champion. Him and Ambrose fight wars in the ring, which would make for some incredible title matches.

Anyhow…let’s get going…

We start with a trailer for the AFTERMATH of SummerSlam which is, essentially, like seeing a trailer showing people enjoying the big summer flick that cost a kabillion dollars to make.

We are LIVE(!) from Phoenix, Arizona! How you likin’ da’ rain, girl?

Bit of an in-joke…anyhow…

Michael Cole’s in the booth tonight?! At least we won’t hear Byron saying shouting something arbitrary, ending with “MIGGUL!” every three seconds.

Sheamus is out for a match with Curtis Axel…and Cesaro joins the broadcast booth, representing The Men’s Wearhouse.

MATCH #1: WWE United States Champion Sheamus vs. Curtis Axel (non-title)
Light brawl to start. Sheamus slams Axel. Axel leaves the ring and glares at Sheamus. Axel kicks and punches Sheamus, so that’s about 75% of his repertoire utilized. Sheamus punches back and goes for a Back Body Drop but Axel kicks him in the head. Sheamus comes back with a Powerslam and gets two, then goes for Ten Beats but Axel hits an awkward neckbreaker, only to get run over again with a clothesline by Sheamus when he gets back in the ring. Axel ejects Sheamus from the ring as the action moves outside. One count back in the ring. Axel puts Sheamus in the Tree of Woe, which has made something of a comeback lately. He kicks Sheamus in the head and it’s a two count, while Cesaro speaks Swiss and German for some reason. We go to break.

Ad for Leprechaun: Origins.

It’s more Sheamus and Axel. Axel dumps Sheamus outside the ring ropes. Sheamus tries a Battering Ram and gets hit in the head. Axel hits the Perfect Plex, which is ironic, since Sheamus (and just about everyone else) kicks out of it. Axel beats on Sheamus and then slaps him in his face repeatedly…and Sheamus is pissed. Sheamus goes for his usual set of moves and hits a huge knee in the corner, then a suplex. Sheamus goes to the top rope and hits a huge shoulderblock. Ten Beats by Sheamus. Cole to Cesaro: TELL US WHAT THIS FEELS LIKE!!! TELL US WHAT THIS FEELS LIKE!!! Calm the fuck down, dude. Sheamus hits the Rolling Senton and Brogue to pick up the win at 9:33.
WINNER: Sheamus via Brogue Kick
RATING: **. 

Post-match, Cesaro gets up, disgusted, grabs Sheamus’s title, grins and then tosses it at Sheamus, walking off.

TONIGHT: Big Show will take on Erick Rowan–.

Cole verbally runs the fuck over Byron’s narration and says Triple H has a LIVE ANNOUNCEMENT, BYRON!

ANNOUNCEMENT: Triple H says Cena has exercised his rematch clause and will take on Brock Lesnar for the title at Night of Champions. 

Nikki heads to the ring for a match as we see her slapping the shit out of Brie.

MATCH #2: Nikki Bella vs. Emma
Emma can’t fight off a cold so this is, basically, a handicap match in Nikki’s favor. First volley of moves is counters and roll-ups followed by Nikki hitting an elbow off the top rope. Front headlock by Nikki. Emma escaps but eats a knee to the face. Another front headlock. Emma escapes and Nikki runs her head into the buckle. Nikki charges but hits the buckle instead. Emma locks Nikki on the ropes but misses a Cross Body. Nikki nails her with a mean Forearm and the Bella Breaker for the win at 3:37.
WINNER: Nikki Bella
RATING: 1/2*. Plan Double D strikes again.

Nikki heads to the back.

Renee Young is backstage with Big Show and Mark Henry and sexually harasses herself before they have a chance: “I’m surrounded by a whole lot of man right now.” Henry and Show agree on one thing: they’re gonna beat the Wyatts… then, they’ll go out and eat.

Cole and Byron talk about Triple H’s announcement.

THIS MONDAY: Cena RETURNS to talk to us!

MATCH #3: SlaterGator (Heath Slater & Titus O’Neil) vs. Los Matadores (Diego & Fernando) (w/ El Torito & La Vacita)
Hornswoggle is in a cow outfit (with udders) which fits so well with the bullfighter theme. Diego and Slater start. Diego hits a Crossbody to start, getting two, while Swoggle “plays with his udders”. Diego hits a Hurricarana and tags Fernando. Slater into the ropes and Fernando hits a Frankensteiner, then gets booted in the face on a follow-up in the corner. Tag to Titus who hits Backbreakers and then tosses him across the ring. Ole. Tag to Slater who puts Fernando in a headlock. Fernando breaks it and hot tags Diego who’s a House-a-Habanero. Two count after a modified small package. Titus interferes but gets taken out. Slater hits a nice DDT to pick up the win at 4:23.
WINNER: SlaterGator

Post-match, Slater picks on Torito. La Vacita saves him as Cole says things like “THIS IS BULL” and “UDDER-BUTT! UDDER-BUTT!” and “THAT’S A REAL MILKSHAKE”. I miss Tom Phillips. I really miss Tom Phillips.

Wyatt time. Harper says people must pay for their sins. Tonight, the Giant comes crashing down. Rowan tells Big Show to run which a pretty futile, considering who he’s asking that of.

We get clips from the Lumberjack Match at SummerSlam as well as the rematch on last night’s RAW. Last night, the fans got to choose between No-DQ, No-DQ, and No-DQ. Thankfully, we got the No-DQ Match, so that was cool.

Rollins is backstage with Renee Young. He doesn’t have to explain himself. He evades the question about Ambrose because he beat Ambrose. He goes on to insult Jack Swagger. Swagger shows up and challenges Rollins. Rollins accepts and says he will see Swagger on Smackdown. When he’s done with Swagger, Swagger will join Ambrose on the Missing Persons List.

Big Show and Wyatts are next.

Ad for the former members of The Shield in their JOURNEY TO SUMMERSLAM.

MATCH #4: Big Show (w/ Mark Henry) vs. Erick Rowan (w/ Luke Harper)
Headlock by Rowan to start it out. Show shoulderblocks Rowan and clotheslines him out of the ring. Show goes outside and tries to toss Rowan into the ringpost but Rowan reverses it and Show crashes to the mat. Back in the ring, Rowan starts stomping at Show who gets to his feet and knocks Rowan down with a clothesline. He slaps Rowan’s chest as Cole, with a really sexually creepy tone, tries to “imagine what that feels like”. Rowan puts Show in the corner and extends Show’s knee. Two count. Coconut Crush on Show and a knee to the spine by Rowan. Show retaliates with a Russian Legsweep. Rowan gets up and kicks Show in the head. Two count. Another Coconut Crush. Show breaks it, flipping Rowan over. He charges at Rowan but Rowan kicks Show and elbows him from off the buckle. Rowan slams Big Show but Show kicks out at two. Show gets to his feet. Then he just sorta sticks his fist out and lightly clocks Rowan in the face with the TKO for the win at 6:39.
WINNER: Big Show via TKO
RATING: *1/2. Sheamus and Axel was kinda better. This was weird and abrupt.

Show looks gassed as we go off the air.

OVERALL: **. Par for the show.

Er, that’s it. 

I’ll be back next week, same time, same website. Til then, Thursday’s double-feature day with the great Scott Keith’s NXT report and Danielle’s Total Divas recap/rant. Tommy will cover Smackdown to take you into your weekend and Andy PG will be back to start your week off right with the PG Era Raw Rant on Monday.

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