This has nothing to do with the WWE
BoD RAW is short-handed this week as half of the roster is doing promotional work in Vegas for next week’s show.
BoD World Heavweight Champion Cultstatus heads out to the ring. He holds his belt over his shoulder as he is about to address the crowd but Parallax1978 comes out and interrupts. Parallax wants to let Cultstatus know that he is the real number one contender, not some chump with a briefcase. It should be known that Jef Vinson is in Vegas for his weigh-in against John Petuka as they will have a boxing match next week. Cultstatus laughs at Parallax and says he should come into the ring and stand on a stepladder so he can say it to his face. Parallax gets pissed then refers to Cult as a contrarian after saying its know wonder he loves 1993 WWE as he draws about as well as they do. This goes on for a minute until GM Bayless comes out. He says that the rules are as stand, which state that the Money on the Table winner gets a shot at the title whenever he chooses. He also says that at BoD SummerSlam, Parallax will get his shot at the title, by competing against Jobber123 and The Fuj in a number one contender’s match. Parallax does not seem happy about having to compete in this match in order to get a title shot.
David Bonzai Saldana Montgomery vs Night81
This is the second match in a Best of 5. Winner gets a shot at the BoD C-List Title, which will be held by Mikey Mike once his UPS package arrives. The two lockup and go into some smooth chain wrestling, showing ability above that of your average C-Lister. Night81 wins the battle with a Blood-like arm drag, and goes into a Surfboard Stretch, but DBSM works the wrist free and takes over into a Buffalo Wing Sleeperhold. Night counters with elbows, DBSM catches the elbow and tries a jyudo throw, only for that throw to be reversed into a deep hip toss that sends DBSM rolling to the outside. The crowd is obligated to applaud even though they’re a bunch of casuals who don’t give a fuck about the finer points of wrasslin or a couple of lower midcarders. Goddamned marks. The two go into a dynamic exchange of moves, hampered by lack of overness. Running Bulldog on DBSM! 1….2….NO! Clinching Slam to Night! 1….2….NO! Twisting Face Crusher to DBSM! 1….2….NO! Rib and Back Breaker to Night! 1….2….NO! Night tries a Blue Thunder Bomb, but DBSM reverses out of it, looking for a big German Suplex, only for Night to elbow out of it and hit a Belly-to Back Belly Side Back Suplex! I hope that terminology is right. Night then picks up DBSM, and delivers him crotch first onto the turnbuckle with a Running Atomic Toss! Night Rider(Reverse Frankensteiner) lands successfully! 1….2….3! Night ties the series 1 apiece!
The BoD Medical team is backstage evaluating Mar Solo. They will now determine once and for all if the Unstable are in fact out of his head and if so, can he have a cup of coffee. The medical staff huddle as they try to determine a final diagnosis. They break and approach Mar Solo. Lead BoD doctor, Miss Diagnosis, tells Mar Solo that after the intensive battery of tests performed, the Unstable are not inside of his head!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And better yet, he is able to drink coffee. Mar Solo is happy as he approaches the break room towards the coffee pot with the camera following him. He runs into the New Age British Bulldogs, Mick, and MattIndeed as they start clapping as he is one step closer to some tasty java. Mar takes a non biodegradable Styrofoam cup and begins to pour it out but from behind comes Aric Johnson and he knocks down our coffee deprived friend. Aric has had a vendetta against anyone who scalds coffee and had been seen at the local Tim Horton’s slapping around employees and demanding improvement with their baked goods department. Aric smashes the coffee machine against the floor as Mar Solo is left in a sea of coffee grounds and shame. WILL THIS MAN EVER GET HIS CUP OF COFFEE
BoD Solid B+ Player Championship Match
Beard Money vs. Hart Killer 09 (Champion)
And Granny is here with Beard Money today! HA HA HA HA GIT DOWN GRANNY!!!!!!! Beard Money is doing with do-si-do with Granny!!!!! HA HA HA, THE HILLBILLY AND GERIATRIC ARE GITTIN’ DOWN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh come on, Hart Killer ambushes Beard Money from behind. He stomps a mudhole into Beard Money while he yells at Granny, rating her satchel a 3/10. Beard Money reverses an Irish whip and comes back with a clothesline. Hart Killer charges and Beard Money backdrops him to the floor then does a cartwheel that pumps up the crowd. And Granny comes over and bops Hart Killer on the head with her satchel!!!!! HA HA HA HA GIT DOWN GRANDMA!!!!!!!!!!! Hart Killer yells at Beard Money from the outside but from behind comes PrimeTime Ten and he destroys Beard Money!!!!! PrimeTime then brings a bucket to the ring. Oh my, THAT IS A SLOP BUCKET!!!!!!!!!!! PrimeTime picks it up and slops Beard Money!!!!!!!!!!!! THIS FEUD WILL CONTINUE
The Midcard Mafia is in their locker room, discussing strategy for their six man tag. Suddenly, Bret bursts in, and informs the Midcard Mafia that he’ll give them a pass for helping him out last week. However, Bret wants Gary, and if the Midcard Mafia want to fight, they need to focus on the other two and leave Gary to Bret, otherwise they taste a Burning Lariat to the face. Bret then leaves, as the Midcard Mafia’s carefully laid plans go to ruin! Guess they better start over. Extant excuses himself for a piss break. The camera follows him around, almost as if they know whats coming…….AND STACKHOUSE ATTACKS OUT OF NOWHERE! BARBED WIRE CROWBAR TO THE FACE! AND THE HEAD! AND THE SPINE! Extant is bleeding buckets! Archie then takes off, having accomplished……quite a lot actually, as the EMTs arrive on the scene. This could be serious! Extant will need some get-well cards after that.
Archie Stackhouse vs DanimalCrossing
Unfortunately, you, the audience, were bait and switched out of seeing the Prince of Nigeria wrestle Archie Stackhouse because the Prince had passport issues stemming from a couple unfortunate incidents involving credit card fraud, so we at the BoD will heavily consider wishing him the best of luck in his future endeavours. That may or may not constitute a firing. Archie Stackhouse is still here though, as his replacement opponent DanimalCrossing comes out. Danimal has used a rigourous dieting and trampoline jumping training method, and hes in the best shape of his career for this one. Of course, he’ll be buried, but the thought was nice. Archie slaps Danimal in the face to start, egging him on. Danimal tries strikes, but Archie laughingly picks him apart and uses a barrage of forearms with equal parts skill and savagery. Archie then slaps Danimal a second time and asks for more. Danimal obliges, using the turnbuckles and ropes as virtual platforms to launch himself at Archie with high velocity. Triangle Dropkick! 1…NO! Triangle Enizuigiri! 1…NO! Springboard Back Elbow! 1…NO! Lionsault Press! 1….2..NO! That one worked a little. Danimal then heads up for the Daredevil Drop(Top Rope Leg Lariat), but misses and lands hard on the canvas! Archie resumes the offensive like nothing happened. Switchblade Kiss(Running Enzuigiri)! Riverdale Welcome(Top Rope Knee Strike) to the nose of Danimal! Danimal is woozy, as Archie goes for the win with the Burning Hammer, but shakes his head no, grins at the camera, then drops Danimal to his fee-NECK CRANK! Holy FUCK! 1….2…..3! Archie takes it!
AFter the match, Stackhouse adds a Burning Hammer and several crowbar shots to the head of the fallen Danimal for emphasis! Stackhouse then walks down the ramp, but instantly White Coat Security and various C-Listers flood the walkway, as Cooltrainer Bret enters for his six man tag. Theres a tense moment, as only fork attacked Security and low-end jobbers separate the two from committing felony assault on one another, but Bret looks away, lightly waving to Stackhouse. Stackhouse grins a death head’s grin and licks blood off his crowbar. THIS FEUD IS CONTINUING.
GM Bayless is in the ring. He brings out the “Gimmick Wheel” which will be featured next week when BoD RAW goes to Vegas. Performers who need gimmicks will have a chance to spin the wheel. Here are the choices:
BoD NXT Name Generator
Racial Stereotype with “Lil'” added to the name
Mack the Evil Trucker
BoD NXT Name Generator
Saul Gout, Evil Podiatrist
Wade Michael Meltzer is at the airport heading to New Zealand to check in on YJ2310, who is training at the famed Tony Garea Dungeon. He packed the last six years of G1 shows and all of the Marmaduke comics for the long plane ride. Next week, Wade should be in New Zealand.
Nick Piers/Nebb28/Cooltrainer Bret vs Rock Star Gary/Garth Holmberg/Bill Ray
Nick the Brick starts with Garth Holmberg. Holmberg tries the same ineffective offense on Piers that he used in the last match, but you know thats not gonna take. PIERS IS A WALL, BABEE! Holmberg goes for a Bleach Solution(Springboard Ruff Ryder), but changes at the last second to a dropkick! Piers slaps it down nonetheless. Holmberg wants out, so in comes Ray, whos screaming for Bret to come out. Bret covers his ears. Ray goes to attack him, but Piers blocks him with one sturdy hand and throws him into the corner, battering him with forearms and punches, thrown with the confidence of a man who is a wall and knows it. Finally, Ray manages to back off Piers with an eye gouge, then goes right to the knee with a basement dropkick! Piers shrugs it off, and grabs Ray by the throat, throwing him into the corner, where Gary tags in. Bret screams for a tag, but Piers ignores him and goes to work on Gary. Gary gets in a couple basement dropkicks, but is ragdolled and paperdolled by Piers. LIKE A WALL. Finally, Holmberg gets the tag and goes back to the basement dropkicks….and one finally works! Piers is reduced to one knee and takes a heavy beating from Bayless Security, as they rotate in and out while working on the knee. Will the wall collapse? OF COURSE NOT! HES A BABYFACE IN A TAG MATCH! Piers guts it out, slaps down Holmberg, and makes the hot tag to Bret! Bret goes to town on Gary, working the clinch with Muay Thai strikes for maximum advantage. Bus Driver Uppercut! Exploding Gutbuster! German Side Slam! 1….2….NO! Gary kicks out. Bret whips Gary into the ropes…BURNING LARIAT! GARY HAS BEEN COMPLETELY DESTROYED, but he was blind tagged by Bill! Bill comes in looking for a fight, but his running charge eats corner and Bret tags out to Nebb, seeing no point in fighting someone that isn’t Archie or a vanilla writer. Bill takes exception, tags in Garth, and runs to take out Bret! They brawl up the rampway, with Ray doing everything in his power to take down the man who attacked Gary. Bret tries calmly picking apart Bill with Muay Thai shots, but it doesn’t work! Bill takes the fight to Bret, throwing him into the crowd control barriers! Bill goes for the kill…..but forgot about the fork! Bill is gouged repeatedly as the brawl heads to the back! This leaves Garth and Nebb legal in the ring. Nebb reduces Garth to one knee, and goes for the Rocker Dropper, which put Garth through a production case on Battleground, but Garth reverses, and goes for Gary’s signature White Line(Sleeperhold Neckbreaker), but Nebb kicks Garth in the knee, drops him with some elbows, runs smoothly off the ropes, and gets the Rocker Dropper on the second try! Piers collapses on Gary to prevent him making the save! 1….2…..3! Nebb’s team takes the victory!
Now, we are shown via satelitte the weigh-in between John Petuka and Jef Vinson. They are accompanied by kbjone and Devin Harris. Here is what they have to say:
Petuka: Listen Vinson, there is no easy way out. There are no shortcuts home. (kbjone laughs in the background)
Vinson: That’s cute, you watched Rocky IV today.
Petuka: I know what you are but what am I?
Vinson: A moron?
Petuka: You know, you are like a stranger in a no named town. I must break you. (kbjone laughs some more)
Vinson: Well, after I hit you so hard that you see three of me in the ring, hit the one in the middle. That is my advice to you
Petuka: I have been training with Manny Pacquiao so you will not be the on getting the best of me.
Vinson: Figures you’d model yourself after a Filipina bitch
(Petuka gets pissed as these two go face-to-face then start shoving each other. kbjone and Harris get involved as we have a brawl on the stage. Next week in Vegas, Petuka vs. Vinson!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)