The SmarK Rant for WWE Battleground 2014

The SmarK Rant for WWE Battleground 2014 Live from Tampa, FL Your hosts are Michael Cole, JBL & Jerry Lawler. Oh, sorry, you clicked on that link expecting tonight’s PPV rant? Sorry, I meant to say “An old RAW from 1994.” But it’s the same thing, right? A bunch of fake fighting and bad finishes. It’s really your fault for being so sensitive, you marks. The SmarK Rant for Monday Night RAW – 10.31.94 Taped from Burlington, VT Your hosts are Vince McMahon & Randy Savage Lex Luger v. Mr. Bob Backlund Lex dares to sweep Bob’s leg a few times and I bet he pays for that. Bob takes Lex down and works on the arm while Vince has the BALLS to accuse Bob Backlund of misusing the English language by throwing out words he doesn’t really understand. Well, NOTWITHSTANDING, Vince, that’s b------- and Mr. Backlund is a great man and inspiration to us all. Or maybe it’s just because I’m getting closer to his age and starting to feel the same way. Bob with a belly to belly and more working the arm while Tatanka stands in the entrance ominously. We take a break and return with Bob holding a bearhug of all things, but Lex comes back and runs him into the corners, making the dullest babyface comeback of all time. And here’s Tatanka to distract him, which allows Bob to hook the CROSSFACE CHICKENWING before Tatanka comes in for the beatdown and DQ at 11:24. *1/2 Why would a heel bother to screwjob the finish in storyline when Luger was clearly in a position to lose anyway? How stupid is Tatanka? And then Savage nearly saves this whole thing single-handedly by making the save and chasing off Backlund, and Vince is all “He’s not supposed to be in there!” Did Savage lose another retirement match after Wrestlemania X that I’m not aware of? The Action Zone concept immediately gets flushed down the toilet this week, with a main event of Mabel v. Yokozuna. The 1-2-3 Kid v. Tony Devito Did someone perm the Kid’s hair when he was passed out backstage or something? Drugs can make you do some f----- up s---, I guess, and a curled mullet is the least of them. Speaking of hair, is Tony Devito the guy who went on to be a minor star in ECW with Da Baldies? Because he’s got a shitload more hair here. Devito actually overpowers the Kid for a bit, but gets kicked down and suplexed. Spinkick and Lightning legdrop finish at 3:30. Survivor Series report with Todd. Card looks like s--- but I haven’t reviewed it in ages so I might have to go back and do it again when we get to that point in the RAW cycle. King Kong Bundy v. Bert Centino They note that Bundy is the “anchor” of the Million Dollar Team, which I assume is in the sense of the big thing that drags everyone else down to his level. Bundy pounds away and finishes with the Avalanche at 2:40. IRS continues his hard-hitting investigation of the late “John Dough”, and repossesses his flowers to pay the $121 owed. Man, if only there was someone to stand up for the rights of the deceased! The King’s Court with The Undertaker and Paul Bearer. Blah blah blah Yokozuna casket blah blah blah Chuck Norris blah blah blah rest in peace. I feel like a Chuck Norris cameo today would be a DRASTICALLY different endeavor. Jim Neidhart v. Tony Roy Neidhart with his usual array of slams and forearms and the most interesting part of the match is Savage on commentary: “The hardest part of the job is sitting in this chair. I’m tired of sitting.” None so blind as those who will not see, Vince. Anvil finishes with the camel clutch at 4:10. Meanwhile, Vince interviews Lex Luger in the back about the shoulder injury, but audio problems put the kibosh on it. This show was taped a MONTH before this! They couldn’t have fixed it in post? Next week: The British Bulldog & Bret Hart v. Owen Hart & Jim Neidhart! OH YEAH!