The SmarK Rant for Monday Night RAW – 10.17.94 Live from Burlington, VT and brought to you by STRIDEX! Your hosts are Vince McMahon & Randy Savage Doink the Clown v. Jeff Jarrett Oh god, the match that I’m pretty sure I sat through 18,000 times at house shows. This one encapsulates everything wrong with the early 90s – the Dayglo tights, stupid gimmicks (“He’s a wrestler but really wants to be [x]”), the FUCKING MIDGETS, and miniscule crowds for TV tapings. They exchange some basic stuff and JJ goes to an abdominal stretch. Doink’s gear at this point might seriously be some of the worst in the entire history of professional wrestling. Not to mention Vince McMahon having to sit there on commentary and sell the escalating number of midgets as a serious feud. And he was paying RANDY FUCKING SAVAGE to be a color commentator instead of a main eventer. So a pair of the evil King midgets distract the clown and give him a beatdown on the outside, and we take a break. Back with Jarrett getting a dropkick for two and going to a long chinlock. Doink escapes and misses an elbow, allowing Jarrett to get a sleeper. Doink comes back with a butterfly suplex as the announcers have a surreal conversation about trying to sell a 1973 AMC Gremlin, in beautiful condition and only lacking a steering wheel. And people were shocked that Savage was doing blow all the time in the 80s? Doink with the comeback via powerslam, but the midgets get involved again and this time one of them takes an impressive bump off the apron. That’s like falling off the Titantron in human terms. It’s MIDGET MADNESS on the floor while Doink hits the Whoopie Cushion, but the fart sound was missing so the ref wasn’t tipped off to the move. This allows Lawler to run in, drop the fist on Doink, and put Jarrett on top at 14:47. Well, they were tag partners for years. This would fall into the category of “perversely entertaining” for me and they actually got the crowd into it. **1/2 Lawler formally introduces the second midget on his team as the mutually assured midget destruction escalation continues unabated. The British Bulldog v. Roy Raymond Notice Bulldog gets hired back AFTER Vince escapes going to jail for steroid charges. Bulldog overpowers the jobber and follows with a delayed suplex as I again ponder what the fuck he was thinking with his hair at this point. Babyfaces should not have disgusting greasy mops like that. Raymond makes a brief comeback and goes up, but Bulldog brings him down with a superplex for two and finishes with the powerslam at 3:30. You’d think they’d rocket him to the top again with his giant steroid physique and ties to Bret Hart, but really they did nothing with him for nearly a year. Mr. Bob Backlund is out to confront Vince McMahon further after previously attacking Arnold Skaaland on Superstars. Vince is DISGUSTED and demands an apology, so Backlund apologizes for ever letting Skaaland manage him in the first place. And he has NEVER EATEN MARIJUANA! He doesn’t swear in front of his children. Really, it’s kind of hilarious when your toddler says “DAMMIT!” like Jack Bauer, so I have to disagree with his reasoning there. Backlund challenges any member of the audience to come escape his chicken-wing, but Lex Luger answers instead, delivering the exposition of the storyline in the days before overproduced video packages, and he wants Bob to pick on him instead. Bob is actually game for that, but the Usual Gang of Idiots stop him from going into the ring for some reason. Apparently a wrestling ring on a wrestling show is not the proper time or place. Backlund was CARRYING the show at this point. Reno Riggins v. Bob Holly Savage is mystified by Backlund’s claims of never eating marijuana. Holly drops Riggins with a pretty awesome backdrop driver and throws him around with an armdrag, as the dropping of the Sparky Plugg character finally appears to be letting Bob work in his normal style instead of the happy babyface role. Riggins misses a charge and Bob goes up to finish with the flying bodypress at 2:33. Good bumping from Reno here. IRS v. Tim McNeany IRS makes bold accusations about Undertaker being a tax cheat, because it was the 90s and that’s what you got for feuds. IRS whips him around the ring, but the jobber gets a rollup for two. IRS suplexes him down again and finishes with the Penalty at 1:40. The Heavenly Bodies v. Barry Horowitz & Nick Barbarry Barry gets his dander up and rolls up Pritchard for two, but makes the mistake of tagging his partner in. Shockingly, the other guy holds his own with Del Ray, but takes a DDT and the Bodies proceed to destroying him. A sloppy moonsault finishes at 2:30. Next week: Razor Ramon defends against Yokozuna! A much better show this week with a hot crowd and Bob Backlund continuing to rock it.