Southern States Wrestling takes us Back to the Future Part II with a new intro featuring an epilepsy inducing SIX screens of wrestling highlights. It’s what people in 1989 thought the world would be like in 2014!
As slimming-stripe Joe Wheeler shoots us with an imaginary gun (I’m one of the biggest Joe Wheeler supporters on the interwebs, but the more I see of him, the more he looks a little bit…creepy. I wonder if he’s ever met Chris Hansen.), Dakota Booth introduces the show with a raucous crowd in the background, that I dare say looks slightly bigger than at the last TV taping.
Joe Wheeler breaks down tonight’s action. The heavyweight champion Kyle Kool is in the house! Scott Sterling will take on Ray Idol in a number one contenders match. And Joe informs Dakota that television champion Joe Briggs has challenged Dakota to a “workout” on live television, a challenge that Dakota immediately accepts. Joe Briggs will find out what Dakota can do in the ring!
SSW Champ Kyle Kool walks out to interrupt the proceedings. We’re feasting our eyes on the champ, Mr. Hollywood! A lone fan claps enthusiastically, and Mr. Kool is on that like neckbone. He asks Joe Wheeler what he has in his hand. Obviously it’s a baseball cap. But it’s not just any baseball cap, it’s a baseball cap with numbers inside. Kyle Kool is the People’s Champ (Sorry, Rock. You had a good run), and to prove it, he has the top ten contenders to the SSW title inside the hat, and he’s going to let Joe Wheeler pick one out at random.
Joe Wheeler picks and it’s…the number 4? Kyle Kool explains that that number corresponds to a world class athlete…Bobo Brown!
Southern States Wrestling Heavyweight Championship: Kyle Kool(c) vs Bobo Brown
Bobo Brown looks about as excited about getting an SSW title shot as I would be. Joe Wheeler talks about Bobo being a double-tough competitor from Downtown Detroit Michigan, as he takes Kool down with an armdrag, but Dakota thinks it’s kind of convenient that Kyle Kool has a competitor that has been on a bit of a losing streak as of late. Joe points out that indeed, the piece of paper only had a number four on it, with no names at all, and Dakota has an epiphany: every number in that hat could have been number four!
As Kyle Kool chokes out Bobo in the corner, Joe Wheeler does a 180 and blows off Bobo’s chances, thinking that this was a way for Kool to duck DeAndre Jackson for awhile. A few seconds of SSW Main Event offense from both sides before Kyle Kool rams Bobo’s head into the turnbuckle.
A black man feels nothing when you hit him in the head! That’s wrestling as I remember it!
Bobo’s about to lay some Chocolate Pain on Kool, but he wisely and cowardly covers in the ropes. Dakota is hitting a 9.8 on the Commentary Suckometer this week. We get a disappointing split-second where the sound cuts out. Dissappointing, as a mute show is preferable to Dakota’s time-filling inane monotone.
Joe tries to run down the big Appalachian Fair Block Party show on July 12th, but even he has to stop to express his amazement as Kyle Kool bodyslams the morbidly obese clown. Kyle follows up with The People’s Headbutt, but that only gets two. That should be his finisher, dammit!
Vertical suplex, that actually gets a little bit of height, but that too is only good for two.
Sadly, we skip ahead in this match to a point where Bobo gets slung into the far turnbuckle, then slings him back into the opposite corner, but Bobo gets out of the way of a big running splash. Bobo connects with the weakest chop I’ve ever seen (women included), a slightly harder punch, and finally a Big Black Man Head Butt. This gives Bobo time to size Kyle up for a Jumping Big Black Man Head Butt!
But Bobo doesn’t go for the cover, instead choosing to pick up Kyle and try to throw him into the far corner…but Kyle reverses! And as Bobo stumbles out…
Stick a fork in Bobo, he’s done.
Winner in about 5:00 shown with The Clothesline From SSW, and STILL SSW Champion, Kyle Kool. 1/2*
Match gets above DUD level solely on the merit of the bodyslam.
Joe Wheeler at ringside to try and get the lowdown on Kyle Kool. There’s rumors that he’s ducking DeAndre Jackson, and that he’s paying off the Death Riders to attack people, but that’s completely FALSE! Kyle Kool is a good guy who doesn’t cheat and plays by the rules! The Death Riders are good friends, and whatever they do for him they do for FREE! He wants to elaborate on DeAndre a bit more, but he’s suddenly remembered some urgent business and has to split.
Now Equalizer Krunch of the Death Riders approaches Joe Wheeler. Kyle Kool DID pay the Death Riders, and Krunch has the check to prove it. But there’s one problem: the check bounced. And Chic White is in jail for trying to pass off the bad check! I guess the cops took one look at Chic and said “You know what, we don’t even need to keep this check as evidence.” Their motto is “Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap”, not for free. That’s true, AC/DC never sang anything about that. All Krunch wants to do is talk to Kyle and straighten things out, but it’s time for a commercial break.
Before that, a replay of the LARIATO! I’m feeling generous, so I’ll bump the match up to 3/4* for that.
Joe’s back with the other Joe, softball home run tournament champion Joe Briggs, letting him know that Dakota has accepted Briggs’s challenge. Briggs says that the worst thing to happen in this business was letting fans run around in the dressing room and in the ring. Dakota is nothing but a fan, sitting behind the desk and getting every single move wrong in the ring. OK, that might now be the closest thing to a shoot we’ve seen in SSW. But all of the sudden Uncle Beau teaches him a few moves and now he’s a professional wrestler? Joe Briggs is going to use this opportunity before July 12th to prove that Dakota Booth doesn’t belong in a professional wrestling ring, but Dakota has changed into shorts and a camouflage tank top and charges the ring, telling Joe to get it on.
Wrestling Workout: TV Champion Joe Briggs and Announcer Dakota Booth
The bell rings, but Joe Briggs wants to do real wrestling. So he tells Dakota to assume the defensive position, dismissively rustling his hair for good measure. Dakota complies and Joe…actually assumes his position cleanly as well. The referee signals to go, and Dakota immediately escapes. And the crowd loves it!
Now Dakota challenges Joe Briggs to do the same. Once again, a clean setup, and Briggs immediately reverses the hold…but Dakota immediately does the same, forcing Joe to scurry to the ropes for the break. Briggs screamed that he slipped, then asks for a collar and elbow tieup. Briggs gets ahead with a waistlock, but Dakota flips him over with an arm toss. Dakota throws up his arms to get a reaction, and he’s somehow more over than that transgender wrestling pretty boy who’s name I won’t mention ever was.
Joe Briggs gets a hammerlock on Dakota, but Dakota reverses by flipping over behind him. Just as I’m starting to gain an ounce of respect for the guy, he charges in and collides with Joe in such a sloppy manner that I don’t know who was supposed to be hurt. And Joe Briggs is done playing games, charging in with a kick to the gut. Briggs gets Dakota down in a ground-and-pound position and has his way with Dakota until Beau James “charges” the ring to clear Briggs out and lead Dakota back to the dressing room.
Can’t really rate that as a wrestling match, but it was surprisingly entertaining.
Joe Wheeler back at ringside to ask Joe Briggs if Dakota’s performance surprised him a little bit, but he didn’t surprise him at all. Just because Dakota knows a few wrestling moves…we never finish that thought, as Dakota charges out to pound on Briggs and chase him out of the shot!
Beau James gets another chance to hard sell the Gray, Tennessee Block Party on July 12th, and he does so. It’s not a home run like the last show, but it’s a clean single up the middle as we go to commercial.
If they’re gonna push Dakota Booth, then I suppose that that was the method to use to do it. Of course, there’s probably also a method to having sex with a barrel cactus, but that alone doesn’t make it a good idea either.
We’ve ten minutes left in the broadcast, and it looks like the entertaining portion of the show is over, as Ray Idol and Scott Sterling are in the ring.
Number One Contenders Match: Ray Idol vs Scott Sterling
Ray Idol is still one half of the SSW Tag Team Champions with Jake Booth. Both men are skilled in churning out negative stars, so I have my low hopes for this match. On a positive note, it seems that Joe Wheeler is flying solo on commentary for this match.
Boring side headlock by Ray Idol starts things off, but it’s not an armbar, so I’ll acknowledge it. Sterling elbows out and shoots him towards the ropes, but Ray confuses him with a comedy spot that gets him back into the headlock, this time with a full takedown to the mat.
Sterling slowly reverses into a headscissors, and Idol’s slow reversal of that gives Joe Wheeler plenty of time to run down the upcoming cards for the month. Idol finally assumes a headstand to escape the hold and puts Sterling down with a low dropkick.
A good old-fashioned test of strength sees Sterling on the losing end, Idol dragging Sterling’s hands down until they touch they mat, then promptly stomping on them. Sterling plays the buffoon role well, but I don’t know if that’s really how you’d want your top “crippler” heels portrayed.
Time for the armbar. After 30 seconds of this, Idol wrestles Sterling down to the mat, plays to the crowd, and jumps way up to stomp the arm. Come to think of it, when I was six years old, I do remember thinking it not strange that guys would just lay completely still on the mat and let themselves take moves like this. Wrestling the way I remember it!
Armbar into a savat kick into a knee lift gets two for Idol. This match remains in limbo neither being comically bad nor venturing near being anything good. But it’s starting to slip below DUD as Idol locks on yet another armbar. Sterling finally reverses into a turnbuckle smash, and it looks like Ray Idol isn’t black enough to avoid feeling the effect.
Scott Sterling goes on a two minute run of SSW Main Event Offense, but Joe Wheeler does a good job of distraction by explaining all of the damage that a reverse chinlock with a knee in the back can do. Creepy or not, the man knows how to call a professional wrestling match. Maybe all he really needs is a good eyebrow trimming and a trip to see Dr. Isaac Yankem?
Finally some action, as Sterling whips Idol into the ropes, but Idol reverses with a back suplex. Every match gets a suplex tonight! But it’s Sterling who is first to his feet, taking Idol down and locking a combination Yokozuna nerve hold with a knee in the back. It’s a special tribute to all the rest hold masters tonight! This also allows Joe Wheeler to unleash his inner Gorilla Monsoon, telling us the names of all the body parts that are affected. But someone needs to tell him that “Oriental” is no longer PC in 2014.
Brief hope spot for Idol, but Sterling regains control with a kneelift. He hits Idol with a forearm to the top of the head, and I can’t understand how that does anything other than injure the guy delivering the blow. The Greatest Resthold Hits Exhibition continues with a funky knee-to-the-head armbar hold. At least he’s mixing it up, but I’m not the type to appreciate subtle differences in boredom. I bet the folks from the 70’s in attendence are digging this though.
Idol fights out with some elbows and knocks Sterling down with an enzuigiri to the back. This gets a two count, and Idol immediately covers again for another two count. And apparently this was all just stalling for time, as Dakota has returned to the broadcast both so we can head to the real finish. And sure enough, Joe Briggs heads into the ring to put a full nelson on Ray Idol for no apparent reason, rendering the last eight minutes of boredom meaningless.
Winner by DQ and new Number One Contender: Ray Idol. -*
I wanted this match get over DUD, but the wrestlers stubbornly refused to do so.
Meanwhile, Scott Sterling tries to punch Ray Idol, but Idol escapes the full nelson, and Sterling nails Briggs instead. Idol punches down Sterling and leaves the ring in triumph.
We replay the exciting failed run-in of Joe Briggs, because there’s literally (literally, I tell ya!) nothing else from the match worth showing.
Joe Wheeler over to interview two-thirds of the Cripplers. Scott Sterling got a raw deal because Ray Idol cheated! Joe Wheeler better stop hiding behind the microphone and do something because they’re tired of this crap!
The show ran a minute over this week, as Joe signs off from the Power 31 Minutes without a preview of next week’s show. We received no explanation as to why Rebecca Lynn is being advertised as the defending SSW Ladies Champion on the upcoming shows next weekend.
The show started off strong, but ending up a boring mishmash that had nothing to do with the big shows that they were promoting for the following weekend.
But on a positive note, I’ve finally caught up with the present, so we need only put up with this crap once a week going forward. Which is great, as you can probably tell that I’m running on fumes here.
Stay classy, Blog of Doom!