Hello everyone, it’s your old pal zanatude here. You know, some people like to say that I run my catchphrases into the ground.
Last week, history was made, as The Cripplers lost their SSW Tag Team Championships to the team of Jake Booth and Ray Idol, a completely unpredicted and unforeshadowed event. Between Jake Booth’s new title (one that he’ll ostensibly be allowed to keep this time), Misty James’s hot pursuit to regain the Women’s Title, and the impending return to the ring of Beau James, the James family is flying high. Furthermore, this show marks the start of a NEW Southern States Wrestling Power Half Hour in a NEW arena, and I’m as excited about all of this as an SSW fan is about seeing Ray Idol jump off of the second rope.
Anyway, without any further ado, let’s get classy!
And here it is, the dawning of a new era in Southern States Wrestling!
Wait, I can’t start getting snarky yet, Beau James wants us to give a Memorial Day moment of silence for the men and women who made the ultimate sacrifice for our country. So let’s do that.
New Power Half Hour, same old intro footage, except that it’s now shown full screen instead of as an insert over the homoerotic statue. I’ll chalk this up as an improvement.
The OURTHE TATES RESTLI sign is a thing of the past, as Joe Wheeler and Dakota Booth, both rocking the short sleeves of summer, introduce the show from ringside. Dakota Booth must be doing his homework, because I’ve never seen him look this intelligent before:
We’ve got The Death Riders in action! Joe Briggs defends the Television Bowling Trophy against Shane Royal! And DeAndre Jackson returns! Let’s get the music started!
DeAndre Jackson vs Jamie Houston (or maybe Jamie Gibson)
Joe Wheeler tells us that we can hear the music while nothing is playing. Dakota Booth tells us that we can hear the cheers from the crowd as nobody says anything. Somewhere in the distance, Beau James pledges to start his diet from tomorrow to complete the trifecta of bald-faced lies.
Another upgrade to the Power Half Hour is that the wrestlers now get introductions! The crowd is refreshingly responsive to this. Perhaps Beau James showed them the stick of butter that poor Joe Wheeler is all too familiar with to bring them in line. The “bell” has also been upgraded to three brass nickels being dropped on the floor. I’m not joking, that’s a legitimate guess based on the sound.
Dakota calls DeAndre’s opponent “Jamie Gibson”, so he either has a split personality or they cannot be bothered to get their jobber’s names straight. I refuse to discuss the opening moments of this match…I have already seen a lifetime’s worth of armbars last week.
As they attempt a criss-cross manuever, a word about the condition of the “new” ring. There are several pieces of duck tape covering the holes in the mat, and the ropes sag like overcooked asparagus. It takes real balls to run these ropes, so you’ll not hear me say a bad word about misters Jackson and Houstogibson tonight. I’ll be even more impressed if anybody attempts a jump from the second rope. And there is no room for the wrestlers to go outside of the ring, so I fear that the armbars will increase exponentially once the wrestlers realize how dangerous it is to work on the mat, off the ropes, or outside of the ring.
But for now, Jackson and Gibsouston soldier on. Dakota tries to sell DeAndre Jackson as a dangerous opponent for the new SSW Heavyweight Champion Kyle Kool (who has neither been seen nor heard from since winning the title), as he gets a two count with a bodyslam. Jamie, the only part of his name that we can all agree upon, uses a nifty slingshot to ram DeAndre’s head into the turnbuckle, then goes to work with plenty of Brooklyn Brawler offense. If you’re going to pattern your offense after anybody, you can’t do much better than Steve Lombardi.
I’m trying to concentrate on Jamie’s epic headlock, but the even more epic painting in the background is distracting me. Dakota tries to insulate himself from further criticism by sucking up to the veterans. It won’t work, Dakota. Memorial Day is different from Veterans day. And you still suck even more than Jamie’s dreadfully boring offense. Though I do appreciate him perpetuating the Black Man Got a Head Of Stone stereotype by feigning pain after a punch.
DeAndre finally muscles out of a headlock, hitting a clothesline and a mystery move that Jamie sells by falling in an arbitrary direction. After nailing a Dusty Rhodes bionic elbow, DeAndre muscles Jamie Whatshisname up with a powerslam that Dakota calls “The Bump” for the three count.
Winner in about 4:00 with The Bump in The Dump, DeAndre Jackson. -*
Pathetic Dakota Booth has to read from a sheet of paper as he “interviews” DeAndre following the match. With his hanging gut heaving, DeAndre tells us that he’s in the best shape of his life. Usually, he’s happy-go-lucky, but not anymore. DeAndre tells us of all the hardships that he’s endured over the past years, and spoils something that will happen three weeks from now. Damn it, Beau, give Eric Bischoff a call, he help you with tips on how to organize months worth of tapings from week to week! The only thing that will put a smile back on his face is beating Kyle Kool for the Southern States Wrestling Title. And if you didn’t know…now you know!
Next week: Misty James! And some words from Kyle Kool!
After the break, we’re back with Beau James behind the sign-that-won’t-fit-into-the-shot. Beau takes up two minutes of TV time to shill a DVD and book sale on his website, then says “Now to you, Joe Wheeler!”
We cut to footage of a house show match between Misty James and SSW Women’s champion Miss Rachael. Joe Wheeler is nowhere to be heard because SSW. It’s the same match we’ve seen before, as Rachael uses the Wrestlemania
IV V finish for the pin.
Now we do get Joe Wheeler at ringside, and there was a reason for that footage to play again, as Joe introduces the new women’s champion Rachael, appearing on SSW television for the first time. The lady with a strong British accent immediately gets on Joe’s case for not calling her Miss Rachael, and proceeds to launch into a two minute diatribe on why America sucks and why the British are so much better than us. I guess that evil Russians and evil Germans are a bit too contemporary for this company.
After our daily recommended dose of xenophobia, The Death Riders storm the ring without the benefit of introduction to attack the jobbers that were already in the ring.
The Death Riders vs Bobo Brown and Chris Norris
Bobo Brown was a finalist in the tournament to crown the first SSW TV champion, so I reckon that Norris is the fall guy here, unless he is in any way related to Chuck.
After a random cut to some kids wagging their fingers, we cut back to Brown and Norris reversing a whip and hitting The Death Riders with simultaneous clotheslines. Dakota Booth channels his inner Michael Cole to tell us that Brown has been whining about his recent tag team partners in recent weeks. While Dakota nails us with the blunt hammer of plot, the Death Riders recover and stomp a mudhole into young Mr. Norris, whom Joe Wheeler claims to have seen having a good deal of success in the Carolinas. But if Joe Wheeler can go to the Carolinas to see this guy wrestle, that would imply that he keeps doing this gig of his own free will, which is obviously insane.
And before this match even has a chance to get into any kind of flow, the pants-wearing Death Rider clubs Norris in the back of the neck in a way that acts as a type of DDT, and gets the pin.
Winners in about 90 seconds with The Hammer of Plot: The Death Riders DUD
The next several seconds are a rapidfire batshit juxtaposition of conflicting words and video that literally (literally, I tell you) made my head hurt, concluding with Dakota telling us that we’re going to hear from Jake Booth and Ray Idol while the screen tells us that we’re about to see Joe Briggs wrestle as we actually head to a commercial break. Honestly the worst single piece of editing that I have ever had the misfortune to see.
After that, I really needed the soothing music and pictures of Hardcore Jesus, but instead we are subjected to the relentless SSW shills of Dakota Booth, as it’s obvious that they couldn’t score a single paid advertisement for this entire show.
Back to Beau James in the Cramped Event Center of Extreme Discomfort, as he has the nerve to try and tell us that this is occurring in real time as the ring is being prepared for the next match. He’s here to shill the SSW summer camp. That’s right, if you’ve always dreamed of becoming a Southern States Wrestling Superstar, Beau James is about to turn that dream into a nightmare! And at least a thousand cheeseburgers for him to be devoured at a later date.
Joe Briggs is in the house, and he’s got his trophy with him. This must be the most durable trophy in the history of professional wrestling!
Southern States Television Bowling Trophy Match: Joe Briggs(c) vs Shane Royal
We get the announcements back for this match. Royal looks pretty sleazy, but the crowd hates Briggs, so he gets the cheers by default. No opening commentary, because armbar.
Royal really exposes the business by “trying” to “run” these “ropes”, but does get a nice armdrag out of all of that. Dakota is impressed that Briggs looks like a seasoned veteran despite this being only his second year in the business. If he’s really only been doing this for a year, then Briggs is potentially only about 50 pounds and a decent hairstyle away from an NXT tryout. But he’ll never get a second look if he insists on doing that shitty kneelift move of his.
But Royal sells it like a good hired jobber should, so Briggs remains on the attack. Vertical suplex by Briggs, where Royal’s head somehow never gets more than a foot’s clearance from the mat. That gets two, and at least this week’s opponent has the sense to actually roll his shoulder up to break the count.
Briggs with a dropkick. Putting him out there in back to back weeks is not a good idea, as we’re seeing just how repetitive his offense is. He covers again for two, because Joe Briggs covers after Every. Single. Move.
We get an excellent shot of the Royal’s ass crack as he attempts to punch his way back into the match, but Briggs regains control with an elbow off the ropes. Which of course gets a two count. Royal’s ass crack has grown about two inches as Briggs rams Royal’s head into the turnbuckle. But Royal doesn’t go down, so Briggs cannot cover him, and thus his momentum is lost. Royal reverses a whip into the opposite turnbuckle, then catches the returning Briggs with a side suplex for a two count. All of the wrestlers in this match have executed a suplex…I can’t remember the last time that happened in an SSW match.
Two clotheslines by Royal, then he reverses a Briggs counter into a spinning neckbreaker that gets a two count. What’s with all this flippy stuff all of the sudden? Where are my punches and stomps? If I wanted wrestling, I would be watching Ring of Honor.
Shane Royal is venturing into Ric Flair Country now with that plumber’s ass. With no rhyme or reason, Joe Briggs is up first with a rake of the eyes, then hits his inverted DDT out of nowhere for the pin to retain his title.
Winner in about 4:00 with Go Home NOW!, and retaining his bowling trophy: Joe Briggs. 1/2*
After a replay, Joe Briggs stands at ringside with the Cripplers and Joe Briggs. Where is my Jake Booth promo, Dakota? Why hath thou forsaken me? Frank Parker thought that he had put Beau James away at Christmas time, but he swears that he will do whatever it takes to put him out once and for all. Joe Briggs is the television champion for a reason: he takes this business very, very seriously. And that southern drawl of his is yet another thing he’ll have to fix before his NXT tryout. The Cripplers associate with him because he is the future of professional wrestling, and nobody will take his television trophy from him. Scott Sterling pledges to avange his humiliation at the hands of Jake Booth, and the Cripplers will put those straps back around their waste. I was going to fix that typo, but “waste” kind of works here, so I’ll leave it as is. Perfectly Acceptable Indy Heel Ranting.
There’s still another 40 seconds to kill, so let’s replay the shitty kneelift of Joe Briggs.
We see the tail end of Joe Wheeler unceremoniously walking out of the shot, leaving Dakota with the wrap up duties. Next week we will see a tag team title match, a ladies match, and we might even get some words from our MIA champion Kyle Kool. And we close with the credits overlayed on top of 15 seconds of business exposing action from the bowling trophy match.
The show that at times is so bad it’s good was just plain bad this week. Is that improvement?