Recap – Legends’ House: SEASON FINALE!

This week on Legends’ House, it’s over!

Last week on Legends’ House, the guys roasted Roddy, and Pat Patterson almost said something.

So, sorry this is late.  I was without internet until Sunday, then I bought a new car and have been battling the DMV and dealership to get their s--- together and just give me my God Damn plates.  Oh, and the air conditioning is out at my house.  Oh, and no one really cares about these recaps that much anyway.  But seriously, sorry – I hate being late in any circumstances, but life sorta happened.

Morning.  Fink is walking his laps around the tennis court, and he says he had trouble getting to sleep the previous night, because it was so emotionally draining.  They show Pat snoring, fully dressed, but with his gut exposed and belt and zipper undone.  No wonder Fink had trouble sleeping.  Hillbilly says all the guys are still trying to process what happened last night.  I know this is for the “drama” of the “show”, but I really thought everyone kinda knew about Pat already – so I’m not sure what there is to process, really.  He says that Pat has been carrying a weight around for so many years, and that he’s “sure there’s going to be a lot more to come out of that, and he can’t wait to see where it goes.” 

Now it’s Ashley time, and Tony refers to her as Hacksaw’s girlfriend.  I guess they’re getting along better now.   She announces that it’s her last morning with the guys, and all the guys are like, “Nooooo”.  Jimmy Hart apparently hates her, as he sarcastically says he’s going to shed a tear.  And this week’s contrivance is that the guys are going to be throwing a farewell party for, apparently, the entirety of Palm Springs.  HBJ is excited about the idea.  And, oh no, all the guys are going to perform the song that HBJ and Jimmy Hart have been working on.  Remember a few weeks ago, when they were working on a song?  I guess it’s that.  Ashley goes on to say that there will also be a live band to help out, and “Pat, if you want to, you’ll finally get the chance to…” Really?  There going to make him come out at a farewell party?  Ashley continues, “…sing”.  Oh.  That’s probably going to be far less socially acceptable.  Pat talks about how he’s not good at karaoke but good with a band, or something.  Whatever.  Roddy suggests a group hug, and Ashley wishes she never quit the Pussycat Dolls.  Then someone pantsed Fink, and ew.  They start an “Ashley” chant, because, as wrestlers, that’s how they’ve been taught to express positive emotional bonds.

Roddy explains to us what Ashley just explained to us, and, maybe someone can help me here – Finkel is going to “come out of the song closet” and Roddy is going to play “electric bagpipes”?  Those are all words, in English, but I don’t understand them in that order.  And holy f---, there really IS such a thing as “electric bagpipes”.  Dude, I can’t wait to see this “song closet”.  And Roddy can really play, as he came in fifth in the world in playing bagpipes a ways back.  No offense, Roddy, but I think I came in sixth in the world in playing bagpipes, and I’ve never played bagpipes.  That’s like being the runner up in vuvuzuela.  It’s just noise.  Ok, yes, I know there’s more to it than that, and Roddy does seem to have some skill.  And then Hacksaw covers his ears and screams “The noise!  The noise!” and I’m sad because Hacksaw and I are apparently on the same wavelength on this one.

All the guys are sitting around as Jimmy and Jim are going to demo the song for them.  They are trying to get everyone in line and cover the whole arrangement, and Roddy can play harmonica too?  Cool.  Hillbilly says he’s not going to “be surprised if these guys kick their heels up a little bit, if you know what I mean.”  No, I really don’t.  I’ve given up on knowing what you mean.  Anyway, Jimmy is happy with everyone’s involvement, but then we immediately focus back on Pat, who tells us how heavy it got last night, because everyone started to get to know each other.  That was kind of an abrupt shift in moods, but I’ve also given up on logical story progression or editing.  Pat says he has one more chance to let people know who he really is.

Later, they all go to a pretty nice looking steakhouse for the “final supper”.  I laughed aloud, as Fink reads a menu item to Jimmy as, “sweet corn roasted with cumin”, but pronounces it like “cummin” instead of “CUE-min”.  This guy got paid to speak in front of millions of people.  Jimmy asks for it without the “cummin”.  Pat reads the menu aloud and says “Drunken shrimp?  Sounds like Gene Okerlund.”  Funny!  The guys joke around with each other and Roddy says, “We love having fun.  That’s one thing all the guys have in common.”  I think that’s one thing every creature has in common, but ok.   They’re all sitting around and talking about the experience, and what they’ve learned from each other, and this, again, is (or would be) the strength of this show, in my opinion.  It’s neat to just see these guys interact with each other, instead of playing golf cart polo or LARPing.  Hillbilly says some of his typical positive stuff, and how he’s had a wonderful time, and will be sad to leave.  Tony says that Gary Busey was the best part of the whole experience.  Jesus, I really forgot about that completely.  And now they’re reminiscing about all their “missions” that they had to do over the course of this thing.  It’s cute, but we’ve seen all of it.  Tony talks about how he loves and respects all the guys more then he ever did, and says that they are all the weirdest people he’s ever met.  Gene says, “Coming from you, that’s a compliment.”  I’m not sure what that meant, but all the guys laughed, so, ok.  They get their food, and it looks wonderful.  Lobster, steak, and …Jimmy’s having a baked potato and corn. 

Pat wants to “try one thing serious”.  He asks for everyone to share the biggest moment…of their life.  That’s a weird question, and a pretty obvious set up for him to share something himself.  Like when someone posts on Facebook, “I’m so sad – I don’t want to talk about it.”  It could be interesting, though.  Let’s see.  Gene’s is when Piper got in a fake fight in New York or something.  I don’t recognize the clip.  Hacksaw’s is when he got to wrestle Andre.  Pretty awesome.  Tony says he was basically homeless in 89, and a lady, who couldn’t even speak English, saw him sleeping in the park in the freezing winter, took him in, and essentially saved his life.  And then he married her.  That’s a pretty great story.  Hillbilly’s was when he was able to buy his mother her first house and car.  Also very sweet.  Weird, Gene is going again, so I guess he wasn’t serious about the Roddy thing.  Gene starts crying about his wife giving him a kidney, and now everyone’s crying.  Man, these are all good.  Jimmy’s up and talks about his daughter passing, and everyone feels bad for picking on him the whole time.  Apparently none of the guys knew.  This is f------ heartbreaking.  Tony says that Jimmy is the toughest guy in the house.  He said that everyone picks on Jimmy so much because he’s so small.  And, Hacksaw’s going again – this is so weird.  He was in a bad car accident that apparently ended up killing his wife.  Christ, dude.  Also, Pat keeps saying, literally, over and over throughout this whole thing, about how it feels good to get all this out, and how they are really real people and not just wrestlers, and …just say it, man.  I cannot pretend to know how difficult it must be for him (or anyone) to come out, but…I don’t know.  The way this is cut together is weird, or something.  I mean, it’s obviously building to Pat’s big admission, but these guys have suffered some pretty horrific things.  Being gay is not a horrific thing.  In fact, on the rankings list of things these guys have gone through, I’d put losing your loved ones way over any kind of sexual preferences that you may or may not have.  Again, I’m not saying it’s easy at all, and I know it cannot be healthy or good to have to live with a secret like that, but, I don’t know.  I’m not sure I’m expressing myself well here, but admitting you’re gay seems far less significant than some of these other stories.  Anyway, Fink admits to being bullied, and cries.  He’s now proud of his success, and all the guys clap for him.  And now, Pat’s turn.  He talks about how he basically started with nothing, and ended up working with Vince.  He slowly builds up to it and finally says it.  Good for him.  Seriously.  What a weight off his shoulders.  None of the guys seem especially surprised, and neither am I, because I thought we all knew.  Also, it appears that Pat is drinking a cranberry vodka, so that kind of tipped the whole thing off. 

We’re immediately at the party, and Pat is excited – not for the party, but to get the f--- out of there.  Bunch of people hanging out, and Gene awkwardly flirts with Ashley.  He hilariously fills up nearly an entire pint glass with vodka and hands it to her.  A cute little, inconsequential scene.  Then we cut ahead to later that evening, and Gene is intro’ing the guys to the crowd.  Roddy starts off by playing his electric bagpipe.  Pretty neat.  Next up are Jimmy Hart and Hillbilly Jim, who call up the rest of the Legends onto the stage.  They do the song, and it…uh, doesn’t sound great, but whatever.  It’s fun enough.  Tony starts dancing, and some octogenarian starts throwing singles at him.  Tony tells us that he and Hacksaw are best friends now as the terrible song keeps going and finally ends.  Gene brings Pat up on stage to sing by himself as the “culmination”.  He sings, of course, “My Way”.  He’s not awful, he’s not great, but his pronunciation is funny.  Like, “and more…much more dan dis, I did it my way”.  Oof, they’re showing the whole thing.  Well, less I have to type, so that’s cool.  Party’s over.

Next morning, everyone is packing up.  Roddy is sad to be going.  They all sign their respective pictures, and the first car is there to pick them up.  Jimmy, in a shaky voice, tells Tony that he is first to go, and so he says his goodbyes to everyone.  Pat tells him that he was a pain in the ass sometimes, but it felt pretty good.  Ew.  They all mock his laugh after he leaves.  Next to go is Hillbilly, who hugs and says his stuff.  Jimmy Hart leaves next, and says what a great time he’s had.  Then Fink leaves, describing the experience as the time of his life.  Gene says bye to everyone and rolls out.  I’m running out of ways to say “blank” leaves and had a “blank” time.  Pat literally sprints out of there.  The last two out are Hacksaw and Roddy, and they say they love each other.  Roddy cries and tells us he’s learned a lot as he plays the piano.  Huh, there’s a piano. 

Ok, final thoughts – this was a really nice episode that kind of reinforces my point throughout all of this.  These are guys are interesting characters and this could have been a far more interesting show if it weren’t so concerned with being a typical, early 2000’s era “reality show”.  Maybe this would have worked better as a documentary.  They all seemed nice, they all had their quirks, and they all seemed like they enjoyed the experience of getting to know each other.  The “show” show, was at times, excruciatingly bad, but there were enough good moments that, if you’re ever forced to watch it and recap it in the future, it’s probably worth doing.

And that is it!  Thanks to Scott for letting me do this, thanks to those of you who read this, and thanks to me for doing it.  If there’s a “reunion show”, I’ll write that one up too.  Take care, guys!