BoD RAW

by
This has nothing to do with the WWE





After last week’s shocking return, what will the Fuj have to say to the BoD? Why did he come back to help his former nemesis?
With all of the twists and turns from last week, the GM has ordered a main event of Parallax & Upper Midcard Express vs. Jef Vinson & Adam Curry & Kyle Warne
Despite successfully defending the belt in consecutive days, the GM has booked Culstatus in a non-title match against the unluckiest man in the BoD, YJ2310.
Plus, how will Officer Farva cope after losing his key to the luxurious “Top 5” lounge? With booze, of course. And how will Abeyance react when he first steps into the luxurious “Top 5” lounge?
Speaking of Abeyance, the poll results of who will win the BoD RAW Talk Show are closed. Will we have “Welcome to the BoD” with Abeyance or “Hoss’s Snack Shack” with Todd Lorenz?
GM Bayless will hold himself a celebration after defeating Nebb28 for his pet rock at BoD Payback. What else will he have in store for the BoD Midcard?
Since being viciously attacked by PrimeTime Ten, Beard Money has been out of action. Our own Wade Michael Meltzer has an exclusive interview with him from his farm. Will Beard Money be able to return to action soon?
With our first ever BoD Solid B+ Champion crowned last week, who will be the #1 contender to Hart Killer 09? And will they be worthy or just a 4/10 challenger?
Plus, how deep are the Unstable inside of Mar Solo’s head? The BoD Medical Staff will confront Mar Solo of the dangers the Unstable are causing his mind. And more importantly, will he get that cup of coffee
Also, will our GM finally decide on a name of the 6/29 Special Event?
All this and videos of soon-to-be debuting talents and more on……………………………..
BoD RAW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Welcome to BoD RAW, folks. We have another jam-packed edition of the show tonight. And now, here is BoD Corporate Custodian, Garth Holmberg, mopping the aisle. I guess he was late to work today? He finishes but now we see Bill Ray, Average Joe Everyman, Rockstary Gary & his #1 fan wearing White Coat Security outfits heading to the ring. After their run-in at BoD Payback, it seemed natural. And now, BoD NXT prospects Archie Stackhouse and Gosh Hopkins come out now, in suits? Finally, here comes Assistant GM, Director of Operations and Paper Goods, Justice Gray. And now, Brian Bayless comes out, holding the Pet Rock that formerly belonged to Nebb28 on it’s diamond studded pillow. He then hands it off to Hopkins, as he is holding the pet rock as Bayless prepares to give a speech. Wow, Gosh Hopkins goes from NXT squash victim to holder of the pet rock in the span of a week! That 63 point plan is working to perfection folks. Bayless now steps up to the podium to deliver his speech:

It is with great pleasure that I introduce myself to all of you. As GM of BoD RAW, I set an example of excellence, which is why I showcase my newest acquisition, Nebb28’s Pet Rock, which will now be known as the GM’s Pet Rock. I pride myself in rescuing this Pet Rock from an inadequate owner and to show my generousity, I have donated $25 to the Pet Rock Foundation so other neglected Pet Rock’s across the land can find proper owners, not midcard owners.

And speaking of the Midcard, while most of them know their role, there are three of them that do not. They have decided to take matters into their own hands and call themselves the “Midcard Mafia.” Going forward, the Midcard Mafia and any other insubordinate midcard talent will be at home watching the show. Not everyone can be in the main event and the BoD needs midcarders and I can make anyone a midcarder, including recent BoD NXT callups (points at Archie Stackhouse and Gosh Hopkins) with any gimmick (points at Garth Holmberg, mopping the floors to perfection). 


And, as I stand in the ring with all of this talent around me, all of you must be wondering why I have amassed such a large group. Well, let me all welcome you to the…………………….Administration. As the leader, I ensure all of you that the rules and regulations of the BoD will be enforced and those unruly midcarders who think they are something just because they post daily, THEY AREN’T SHIT. 




Now, Wade Michael Meltzer comes out. He asks GM Bayless if he has finally decided on the 6/29 BoD Special Event. Bayless replies “no comment” then quickly wraps up the interview. The GM does not seem to have made a decision on the 6/29 Special Event yet. And he is NOT happy at the question asked by Wade Michael Meltzer.

Dock Muraco vs. Tommy Hall


Hall is sporting a Shawn Kemp throwback in honor of Father’s Day. His Jason Caffey throwback was stolen by one of Caffey’s illegitimate children. Dock Muraco folks………………..don’t know a whole lot about him. Hall wails on the newest acquisition of the BoD Writing team. Hall has been angry since he failed to capture the BoD Writer’s Championship at BoD Payback. Hall picks up Muraco and slams him down then finishes him off with the Vader Bomb for the win. Hall reaches into his pockets and pulls out a fresh e-book dollar, which is not legitimate currency, and shoves it into Muraco’s mouth, who is PAYING HIS DUES and getting a good deal on an e-book. Hall then grabs the mic and tells Stranger in the Alps that this is what will happen to him next time they face off in the ring. Hall is angry and the man from the Alps better stop posting threads and focus on Mr. Hall.

We are cutting backstage as The Fuj has arrived. Wade Michael Meltzer is there trying to interview the Fuj, who blows right by him and looks to have his mind on something. We will keep you updated throughout the night.

The BoD Medical Staff are in the breakroom. Mar Solo enters and is immediately confronted. All he wants is a cup of coffee but he is being told the dangers of the Unstable being inside of his head. One of the doctors then shows Mar Solo a video and said that if he does not agree to surgery, this is kinda/sorta what will happen.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s7TuD3lCNR8

Mar Solo looks bothered and said that was a clip of a film and this whole thing fucking ridiculous. He then pushes a few doctors out of the way and goes for the coffee but as he pours it into his cup, it leaks out as someone apparently poked a hole into the bottom of the cup. My money is on Laughing Sting. But, one thing is still clear, THE UNSTABLE ARE CLEARLY INSIDE OF MAR SOLO’S HEAD.

Joe Dust vs. Cabspaintedyellow


These two guys are in the hunt for the BoD Solid B+ Player Championship, held by Hart Killer 09. Cabs is the most generous man of the BoD, donating all of his pocket change and one dollar bills to Easter Seals before the match. And he called and wrote his grandma a “Thank You” card for his birthday gift. Joe Dust is sporting his “Nattie is a Twat” t-shirt and watched “America’s Got Talent” and was not impressed at all. Both men start off with a lockup then go back and forth on the mat. They continue to battle as Hart Killer 09 comes down to the ring with his belt over his shoulder. Cabs uses a flying knee smash on Joe Dust, who falls through the ropes. Hart Killer now grabs the mic and says that neither one of these guys are worthy to challenge him for his title and he will not let them contend for his title but will gladly carry them both to a **** classic next week and after the match, with tears in their eyes, they will both tell him that he is by far the greatest Solid B+ Champion of all-time, then kicks Joe Dust a few times and the ref’s counts to ten for the countout. Hart tells Cabspaintedyellow that since he won, he will save him a seat at the bar so eh can listen to him tell stories about his career. Cabs seems like he would rather have a title shot.

Backstage, an angry GM Bayless is with Justice Gray, who asks him about the 6/29 BoD Special Event. GM Bayless then turns around says that he is thinking about bringing “it” back as the camera zooms in on his face.

Abeyance and Todd “Hoss” Lorenz are in the ring as we await the results of the “Win-A-Talkshow” Poll. Will it be “Hoss’s Snack Shack” with Todd Lorenz or “Welcome to the BoD” with Abeyance? And the results are in:

http://poll.pollcode.com/97469918_result?v

By one vote, the winner is…………

ABEYANCE!!!!!!

And Hoss is irate. He demands a recount and has begun to storm around the ring. He locks his eyes on a concession worker in the stands, who drops the food and bolts. Hoss now steps out of the ring and heads to the concession stands. Those poor, poor people who have to deal with this monster. Abeyance is now joined by Wade Michael Meltzer, who asks him how it feels to have won his own talk show. Abeyance replies that it is “good” then waves to the crowd. And now, Abeyance heads backstage as he is going to see the luxurious “Top 5” Lounge for the first time.

Next, we see the sit down interview with Beard Money by Wade Michael Meltzer. This was conducted last week at Beard Money’s home in Mudlick, KY:

Wade: Beard Money, I would like to thank you for allowing me in your home
Beard Money: Your darn welcome
Wade: Ever since the attack by your former partner, Primetime Ten, what pain have you been dealing with?
Beard Money: Well Wade, my knee was hurt real bad and I couldn’t slop my pigs on the farm for three whole weeks. 
Wade: That is a long time but more importantly, will you be able to return to the ring. 
Beard Money: With all of the fans writing to support me, it helped give me the strength to rehab my knee. And don’t you worry Wade, granny done got herself a new lucky red bandana and she going to live to see 100 years old, which will be in three weeks. 
Wade: Did she ever see George Hackenschmidt in person?
Beard Money: I reckon I do not know the answer to that .
Wade: How do you feel about your former partner, PrimeTime Ten?
Beard Money: He did a bad thing and that was not nice and he will get his for being a mean ol’ son of a gun. And I promise that I will get my hands on him in the ring and I will win when I am ready to return. 




Abeyance is at the door of the luxurious “Top 5” lounge. And for the first time, the doors open for him and look what he sees:

He is in a state of shock as he looks around in amazement. And his eyes are even bigger as he sees his own personal computer:
Christ! Do you know how many posts he can make per day now? A FUCKING THOUSAND, THAT’S HOW MANY. 
YJ2310 vs. Cultstatus

YJ2310, the unluckiest man in the BoD, has had the worst year ever. There are people that survive tragedies and lose loved ones but no one has gone through more than YJ2310, who not only got eliminated from the BoD Royal Rumble and the BoD Money on the Table Match, but was the 14th person eliminated in the last battle royal and he was the 14th ranked poster before reclaiming the 13th spot. Have you gotten all of this yet? Does it seem awful, like a previous WrestleMania main event storyline. Cult comes to the ring and sidesteps a charging YJ2310. Cult takes control and sets up already for the jackknife powerbomb but Jobber123 and Officer Farva run into the ring and attack Cult. They are wailing away but the Fuj runs out as Farva and Jobber clear the ring. The Fuj grabs the mic and looks at Jobber and Farva but pauses. Fuj then throws down the mic and leaves the ring. I do not know what that was about but Fuj has some sort of issue with both guys. 
And now, after several weeks of videos sent in with poor quality, the BoD introduces, CooltrainerBret:
A still $100 camcorder pans to see a police style target silhouette of Tony Garea, for some reason. Suddenly, a whooshing sound is heard…….AND A NERF DART STRIKES THE PICTURE OF GAREA DEAD BETWEEN THE EYES! Suddenly, the guy wearing a Voorhees mask appears, toting a nerf gun in the shape of a Goldeneye grenade launcher.*
“Soon Bayless, you and your crew of vanilla writers that couldn’t draw a dime if they had the art skills of Monet……..will be welcomed to a place worse than Riverdale…….a place worse than Detroit…..a place worse than even LOS ANGELES……….”
*Voorhees mask suddenly turns…..ITS THE DETROIT PD! Two members of the Detroit PD come out looking for police brutalit-BURNING LARIAT! OFFICER TENDIME HAS BEEN COMPLETELY DESTROYED! Officer Putski fires a taser that……doesn’t work? Whats going o-BURNING LARIAT! OFFICER PUTSKI HAS BEEN COMPLETELY DESTROYED!*
“OH COME ON, DON’T ACT SO SURPRISED! EVEN FRANKENSTEIN HAD TO KICK A FEW VILLAGER ASSES TO GET OVER! And since YOU won’t let me get over………soon I’ll come……and I’ll embarrass you and those vanilla writers so bad only ONE place in this world will want to take them in…….
*Voorhees Mask turns over the Tony Garea police target…….AND REVEALS THE 411MANIA LOGO! BLUE SCREEN! NO SIGNAL!*
Backstage, Wade Michael Meltzer is with the Upper Midcard Express. He asks them why they turned their backs on Adam Curry & Kyle Warne. kbjone tells Wade that they could tell him but do not want to as Petuka pie-faces him as they laugh and walk off. GM Bayless is seen walking by on the phone, telling someone that he is “thinking about it” as Wade asks him about the 6/29 BoD Special Event. Bayless covers the phone and tells Wade to wait until the end of the main event, when his final decision is announced. 
The cameras quickly cut backstage where Hoss Lorenz is destroying the concession stands. He is yelling ” I WILL MAKE MY OWN FUCKING TALK SHOW AFTER YOU ALL MAKE ME A CHILI DOG.” Someone asks him if he wants relish and Hoss chokeslams him through the discounted merchandise table as Ryan Murphy shirts are all over the floor. 
Jef Vinson & Adam Curry & Kyle Warne vs. Parallax1978 & Upper Midcard Express

Vinson, the BoD Money on the Table briefcse holder, has been a marked man since winning the briefcase. All six men start brawling in the ring and now take the action outside. Curry & Warne simultaneously backdrop the UME over the guardrail as Vinson punches Parallax. Curry & Warne drag the UME back over the railing and beat on them. They finally make it into the ring as Vinson and Petuka are the legal men. Vinson tags Curry, who hits a dropkick and a hurricarana. Warne tags and they hit a double slingshot suplex. Petuka is taking a shitkicking but Parallax catches Warne with a knee to the back. He then tags himself in and gives Warne a beating. kbjone is in and he almost puts away Warne with a brainbuster. Warne’s teammates are rallying on the apron but Warne is dragged back into the opposing corner. kbjone misses a top rope elbow drop and tags Petuka but hot tag to Curry and he runs wild. Curry takes out everyone then takes out kbjone with a plancha. Vinson is in the ring and working on Petuka but Parallax comes in from behind to take him out. Parallax and Petuka work on Vinson briefly but Warne hits a springboard crossbody to take them both out. Curry drags Parallax outside then Warne takes out kbjone as Vinson is left alone in the ring with Petuka and gets the win with the Cattle Mutilation. But, as Vinson has his hand raised in victory, Jobber and Farva come in and attack him. Now, Parallax and kbjone take care of Curry & Warne outside of the ring but Cultstatus comes out and goes after his nemesis, Jobber. Farva attacks him but now the Fuj runs out for the save. Chaos erupts then GM Bayless takes the mic and starts screaming: 
ENOUGH! I HAVE THOUGHT LONG AND HARD AND DID NOT WANT TO BRING IT BACK BUT ON 6/29, GET READY FOR…………………………………………………………………………………………
BoD WARGAMES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
OH MY!!! WE ARE OUT OF TIME, FOLKS!!!!!!! SEE YOU NEXT WEEK!!!!!!!!!