This week, on Legends’ House, a bunch of grown men dress up in silly costumes and pretend to fight each other. Hmm…
Previously, on Legends’ House, nothing. Nothing happened last week. Zero things. Hopefully this LARPing will be more entertaining. Scratch that, it will CERTAINLY be more entertaining. Or at least AS entertaining. It cannot, by the rules of physics and math and love and religion, be less entertaining.
The sun rises on a lovely, cloudless morning in Rancho Mirage. The sun is a golden sphere, providing light and, eventually, sustenance, to all who bask in her majesty. There is a cool breeze in the air, which belies the hotness of this mess of dogshit that I’m about to suffer through. And we’re exactly back where we were last week, as the guys are complaining about the pigs’ feet being smelly. Gene tells us, again, that everything is stinky. We’re watching the guys clean out the refrigerator, and they don’t seem to know what simple foods or shapes are. Jimmy feels Tony starting to flip out, and mentions that they have to walk on eggshells around him. Jimmy sits down with a pile of shit in front of him, as Tony tells us that he’s an extremist – he’s either extremely horrible or extremely nice. That seems about right. He then adds, “I’m a screwed up guy.” That seems about right. Jimmy finally puts the pile of shit in front of him into the trash bag slightly to the left of him, and the guys mention that the food, a-mother fucking-gain, does not smell great. Jimmy offers Gene some of the nasty crap in the bag, and Gene, in cute little shorty shorts, tells Jimmy to “Get the fuck outta here.” Years from now, scholars will still be talking about “that one episode of Legends’ House where they cleaned the refrigerator.” It was that good.
<I’m going to now say, this review is going to get a little bit on the dirty side. If you have sensitive eyes, or just don’t want to hear about, um, various sexual things, you should probably just call it a day and not read the rest of this. I’m not joking. I’m not intentionally being overly dirty, but IT’S MY DUTY to share my thoughts on this episode, as unfiltered as I can make them>
Time elapses, and three fucking humongous dorks approach the house. Tony says, hilariously, “Oh no!” (and you DO have to hear how he says it to appreciate it – it was very nearly terror in his voice). One is dressed as possibly Gandalf with black hair (I don’t know), one is possibly a guy from 300, and third is just a run of the mill dork/nerd. Fink says, “You don’t look like Ashley”, which makes Tony absolutely HOWL with laughter. Another genuinely funny moment, as Tony is just fucking flying all over the couch laughing, and leans over to Hacksaw and brushes his shoulder in a “did you hear THAT?” type move, and Hacksaw just sort of opens his mouth and grunts. He couldn’t even muster up the energy to fake chuckle or even smile. It was amazing. Finkel is intrigued by the nerd guys, as they go into their spiel about how they’re seeking the “8 Legends of the WWE”. Piper says, “Keep going straight, and take a right.” Heh. They go on to tell the guys they’ve been chosen to play the heroes in a live action role play, or LARP. Pat kills me by repeating, “Larp?” Ok, this ONE time, guys, I will accept the “this is out of my comfort zone” or “this is weird” stuff. And full disclosure, I am a video game fan – not necessarily RPGs, but I suppose I’m at least on the periphery of nerdiness that these three inhabit. I’m saying I shouldn’t look down on these guys, because I fly imaginary spaceships and throw imaginary footballs and shit on my TV pretty regularly. That said, sight unseen, I’m going to go ahead and say this (LARPing) is super duper dorky, as opposed to my regular duper dorkiness. “Princess Ashley” has been kidnapped and taken to another realm, the 300-ish guy says, and I can’t even imagine the amount of semen stains that actually talking to a human female must have caused these poor guys. Oh for God’s sake, the guy pulls out her shoe, and says “This is all that was left”. That poor, now crusty, shoe. Tony flips out as I’m typing that, and grabs the shoe and sniffs it and makes a googly eyed, tongue sticking out, foot fetishy, disgusting, I quit watching this show now please face. Tony then goes on to admit that he’s a foot freak, and then lists every type of footwear he can think of. No further comments on this. Hacksaw says that Tony needs to go back in his room for a little while. Ok, one further comment. Ew.
And now, the guys are going to be “tested” to see if they’re “ready”, and Roddy does his standard “Aw geez” thing. I’m kinda with ya on this one, Roddy. But come on. I’m being a little unfair. These guys are dorks, but it’s probably harmless and possibly fun. I wouldn’t do it as a weekend activity, but if I were on a reality show where this was the test of the week, I’d go for it. Hillbilly says some stuff. He’s wearing a blouse. Tony then jokes about how he’s going to masturbate into the shoe. No, really. Not in so many words, but yeah. Jimmy says, “I think we should leave her tied up.” There’s a table outside with a bunch of “weapons” on it, and the guys all get to choose one. Apparently all the weapons have a bunch of magical spells attached to them. Huh. So, Jimmy’s hammer has the power of fear, and if he holds it up and says “fear”, the enemies have to split and make way for 10 seconds or something like that. I didn’t know there were rules or anything. Roddy wants a dildo. No, really, he said that. One of the nerds offers Hacksaw “The 2×4 of King Doogan”, and Hacksaw corrects his pronunciation. Then it’s the “Spear of Mean Gene”, which looks like a microphone. Gene’s dumb spear makes him a wizard, and he can heal people. Tony gets a bow and arrow, Fink gets some baseball bat thing, Pat gets an axe, and Roddy gets some kind of hot rod engine sword thing. His has instant kills. 300 nerd now leads the practice and shows them how to pull their punches or strikes or whatever, so they don’t actually hurt each other. So I guess they actually hit people. Also, do not hit anyone in the balls. Those are the rules. Hillbilly and the editors make the point that I made earlier, how this is pretty similar to pro wrestling. And we’re off to save Ashley.
The guys walk into a costume shop to get their probably dumb costumes. Gene again explains to us what LARPing is, which, I mean, come on. The guys all get to choose their own outfits, guaranteeing they will be extra stupid. They all make the dumbest jokes ever while trying on costumes. Hacksaw tries on some kind of furry viking suit and bunny ears, which is surprisingly awesome, as he hops at Roddy, who loves it. I guess he opted out of the bunny ears, because now he has a viking helmet, which is far less awesome, and I should have expected that. Roddy wants a kilt, of course. Tony has some kind of gladiator thing, Finkel is a jester or poet, and Pat is a pimp. Jimmy is dressed as Elvis, and Roddy is making very strange sounds while getting dressed.
Now the guys are painting their faces – Roddy loves it. He’s got a Braveheart thing going on. Tony says something about going back in the time where “mens were mens, and womens were glad of it, and we’re going into ‘conbat'”. And then he growls. Ok, fine. It’s cute that all the guys are cool with this, as they should be. And now, also cute, the editing team put together a little intro with each of the guys in their roles with fire and shit behind them. They’re now in some lot, and the nerd informs them they all will now have to be in character. Roddy is leading the guys and makes a silly speech to rile up his troops. Hacksaw tries to emulate the manner of speaking, but just sounds kinda dumb, but again, good for him for trying and seemingly having fun. Just then, some nerd leads a half-dressed Princess Ashley, hands tied together, out to the guys. Hmm, I wonder what Tony did with that shoe. The “Warlock” who has Ashley calls the guys a bunch of pussies (in LARP speak), and Tony approaches him, trying his darndest to speak in that mannered accent and renaissance-y weirdness, but not quite pulling it off. He walks up the hill toward where Ashley and the Warlock are, and I just realized I’m recapping a LARPing session. Anyway, his army presents itself, and it’s like 30 dudes (including, shockingly, at least one girl). Gene says – everyone together now…”Holy Balls”. Jimmy runs away, and Roddy tries to call a time out. Heh. Tony then says, in his weird, trying but not pulling it off accent, “When upon the hill, came a massive army! And I thought to myself, ‘you in the hood now, brotha, let’s rock'”. Aw, well done, Tony. That was funny and very well-timed. And now the army attacks and it’s just chaos. A bunch of guys swinging and throwing stuff. Jimmy is sitting down behind everyone. Hacksaw DID bring the bunny ears, which he uses to distract everyone. Jimmy runs around and screams “Fear”, but doesn’t look like it’s really effective. Ooh, actually, Jimmy cut his leg open (scratched), and they show a flashback of Matilda attacking Jimmy’s leg in the ring, which, awwww. This is all intercut with stupid closeups and slow motion of the guys pretending to fight – well, double pretending, they were clearly shot separately from the, uh, LARP. So, this is still going on, and the novelty has worn off for me. The guys end up “winning”, as the lines between “winner” and “loser” have never been more blurred. Roddy makes the absolutely brilliant point, “He (one of the nerds) told me that they sometimes get two thousand people for these things. Who keeps track of “fireballs” then?” Exactly, Roddy. That’s why I’m going to stick with videogames. The computer does all the work, there’s more beer, and far fewer neckbeards.
Back at the house that night, the guys are sitting around talking shit about Jimmy. Jimmy walks up and explains himself and his actions during the LARP. Tony is inside cooking some food as the guys say “Sunday Dinner” 43425 times in 4 seconds. Tony’s making green beans, mashed potatoes, and, some kind of spaghetti sauce covered concoction which isn’t fully explored at this time. Howard makes the guys Margaritas for his part, and Gene calls them dog shit. That’s kinda harsh. Ok, I guess Tony made meatloaf? With marinara sauce? He really IS an artist. The guys sit around and pray before they eat. I don’t see any vitamins, they must have cut out that part. Roddy is worried that there is penis in the meatloaf, as Jimmy refuses to eat, but is having crackers and cheese and olives. All the guys are thankful for Tony cooking for them. Pat feels as if they are getting closer, and he’s just so proud that they can all sit around and eat dinner together. Tony says that the guys thanking him is a memory he will keep for the rest of his life. Me too, Tony. Me too.
Next morning, Hillbilly screams at a cloud. Then he spins around and does some yoga in socks, sandals, and pajama pants. He says AGAIN that he’s not here for a long time, he’s here for a good time. He wants everyone to get along. Ashley shows up, and Jimmy says they never know what she’s going to bring them. Jimmy hugs her, and the guys all sit down. She tells them they have a special treat in store. They get a day of pampering at a spa. Massages, facials, manicures, pedicures, and Hillbilly and the guys are “so happy, they’re elated”. Gene wants a girl to give him a massage. Someone jokes with Tony about pedicures, and he goes out of his way to mention how NOT gay he is. I seem to remember him trying to have anal sex with Pat earlier this season, but I’ve been trying to drink that memory away, so I could be wrong. Ew, Gene wants a full, “I repeat, FULL”, body massage. This episode is disgusting. Hacksaw thinks they’re being fooled, and something bad is going to happen. Well, something bad IS going to happen to the poor masseuse that has to touch Mean Gene’s mean genes.
Looks like it really is a spa, and everyone is excited to get massages and stuff. Gene and Jimmy are getting a pedicure first, and I’m very uncomfortable watching this. As much shit as I talk, I would NOT do that. Don’t touch my feet. I just can’t deal with it. Gene, of course, is being more than a little bit creepy about it. He was so creepy, in fact, that he embarrassed JIMMY. Now on the massage table, Gene says, “I’ve got a …stirring in the loins, and I’m not that easily excitable.” Ok dude, that’s fucking far enough. These poor women have to touch your disgusting nearly naked body, and you’re talking about your struggling boner? I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that at a spa. “Do you ever have clientele here that would like to reciprocate?” Oh God, man. This poor, poor girl. The guys are all saying how they’re not used to getting pampered like this. Hacksaw and Tony are paired up, and Tony talks to Hacksaw, who doesn’t say anything back. Tony is very sore, and happy to get a massage. He’s unhappy that this isn’t the massage station, it’s the pedicure station. Roddy gets his face steamed and nothing is really happening again. Tony finally, finally, gets his massage. Say what you will about Tony, but he’s at least not…oh, he’s got a boner too. Awesome. Then they get tea.