This week on Legends’ House – HARDCORE OLD MAN NUDITY.
Ok, probably not.
Previously on, they show the enthralling recap of the guys making a commercial, and then getting pulled over by the police. I’m not sure if I’ve addressed it yet, but the theme song for Legends’ House sounds an awful lot like “Blurred Lines”. And now that I think about it, I could watch that video 9 or 10 times in roughly the same amount of time it’ll take me to watch this episode. That would definitely be a better use of my time, but I’m doing this. Because I’m stupid.
I guess we’re flashing back a little, as Pat mumbles “Riding in this van fucking sucks, I know that.” Again, it’s not like it’s a complete piece of shit. It’s just a van. Get over it. He continues, “I can’t wait to get there and take a good shit.” I love that THAT is what the most exciting part of Vegas is to Pat Patterson. It’s a great place to poop. Hillbilly Jim explains that the guys are not happy to be riding in the van. Jimmy Hart also helpfully tells us that he feels horrible about riding in the van, because he feels their team should have won the last stupid contest and should be in the limo. I mean, he has a point. That commercial that the “winners” made was fucking horrific. Jimmy says, “Let’s face it, we’re losers.” I love shoot comments that…anyway. Hillbilly Jim tells us that the guys, again, are not happy to be in the van, but essentially they need to get the fuck over it because they’re going to Vegas which should be fun. Exactly, Hillbilly. You’re going to Vegas with a bunch of (presumably) your friends. I’ve squashed into a 1979 Honda Prelude to get to a terrible High School party with a bunch of my smelly buddies and complained less than this bunch of bitches. In fairness, I’m pretty sure this was a talking point drummed up by the producers of this show. “Make sure you complain a lot about the van. I mean, like, a lot. Like, seriously, don’t fucking stop. Repeat yourself if you have to. That should be really good television.” It’s not, producers.
Meanwhile, in the Limo, the guys are drinking and screaming “Flocko Flamingo” as the graphic at the bottom says “Winning Team” and Tony Atlas is laughing his horrible laugh. I’m not 100% sure I’d rather be in the limo. I don’t even think I want to go to Vegas anymore. And UH OH! The police are pulling over the limo, and Jimmy Hart talks shit about it being payback. The guys in the van are so very happy about this. Gene theorizes that it was because there was a plastic flamingo hanging out of the window, which I’m pretty sure actually does mean “plastic flamingo” and not “penis”. Roddy tells us about limousine etiquette, and how the person sitting on the right in the back is considered in “the King seat”, and it typically goes to the person with the most respect. Well, Finkel is the one sitting there, and they’re trying to get him to talk to the police officer to “find out if they’re safe”. Roddy goes on to imply that it was disrespectful for Howard to take that seat, because he’s never wrestled and basically doesn’t deserve it. I’m sure he’s joking, or being silly, or exaggerating, but fuck you, Roddy. Who gives a shit? Roddy talks about the responsibility of being in that seat, and how Fink needs to step up and talk to the policeman. Really? If this is at all real, which it probably isn’t, shouldn’t you just sit there and shut the fuck up and NOT interrupt the guy with the gun who is talking to the driver of your car with a stupid, “Hi officer. Just wanted to check in since I’m in the king’s seat, and everything kinda needs to go through me first, mmmkay?” Roddy makes another comment about how Howard should streak, and now I’m pretty sure he’s just fucking around, so I sort of take back my “fuck you, Roddy”. But I’m keeping it for later. I have a feeling it’ll come in handy. Anyway, they got a ticket. Wow. And then Tony Atlas reveals that HE was the one who TOLD Finkel to sit there! He didn’t want to sit next to Hacksaw or Piper! What a twist!
Back in the van of humiliation, Pat won’t shut the fuck up about how they’re staying a cheap hotel outside of Vegas. Mean Gene talks about how when he gets there, he’s going to “shave, brush (his) teeth, and sandpaper (his) balls”, because it’s funny to hear Mean Gene say balls at least 458 times each episode. Also, ow. Jimmy comments that that means they won’t eat until 1 in the morning if he has to do all that, because I guess Gene has really long balls or something. Time passes (but not for me), and they play a stupid fart sound effect as we go back to the Limo guys, and Hacksaw has his shirt covering his nose. Tony Atlas tells us that it was him farting every five minutes, and that they were really disgusting. Well, of course they were. Look at you. You look like a farter. He says something about his rectum controlling him, but I don’t know what the fuck he’s talking about. I’m just sad because this is the first time in my life I haven’t found farts funny. This show has broken me. Tony says that the farts actually helped out the guys, because all of a sudden, the driver of the limo “put the paddle to the matter”, which I’m definitely going to start saying now.
So now they’ve arrived at the Palms, which is both not shitty, and not 25 miles outside of Vegas. Maybe Pat said “I bet we’re staying in some shithole outside of Vegas”, but there’s no fucking chance I’m going back and watching this again just to be sure. I’ll understand if you want to find your Legends’ House reviews elsewhere now, from somebody with more commitment. But I would also suggest you be very nice around that person, and do not make eye contact or any sudden movements. Hillbilly dressed up for his big night in Vegas – socks, sandals, and pajama pants, and refers to Vegas as “The City that Never Stops”. I googled this phrase, because I’m pretty sure that’s not what Vegas’ slogan is, and sure enough, the first few results refer to Tel Aviv as “The City that Never Stops”. So, see? I do care about the craft. They show the guys checking in to the hotel, and Finkel has one of those stupid flamingos with him because the producers thought it would be a funny visual. It’s not, producers. Roddy talks about how he got arrested a lot in Vegas, and Hillbilly says, “The fun ain’t endin’, it’s just beginnin’.” I wouldn’t even say it’s middling.
Next morning, the guys are brought to a theater type place, and Finkel freaks out because he has a feeling he’s going to have to perform. He kinda used to do that for a living, but whatever. A girl who I think is Ashley comes out to tell the guys what they’re doing there. “My name is Kristen…”…never mind. Anyway, she tells them they’re going to be taught how to dance and shit for the 8 o’clock show, and guess what? It’s the Chippendales! And now a montage of the guys all shocked about this development, but really, most of them essentially performed in their underwear in front of way more people than will probably be at this show. Kristen goes on to tell the guys that there are grooming standards at Chippendales, and they will all have to be “manscaped”, which, ew. Tony says they don’t even know what that is. Tony doesn’t know what a lot of/most things are, but I forgive him for not being up on this. And then a montage of the guys not knowing what manscaping is. Jesus Christ, show. Just say something once, and then move on. I swear to God, they just beat you over the head with the dumbest shit over and over and over. Pat says “This could be a disaster.” Yep. Tony comforts Roddy who seems upset about this whole thing. Like, not actual upset, but “show” upset. This goes on forever, but nothing happens. It’s just Roddy and Tony saying stuff.
Soon after, the guys arrive at a salon to get their grooming. And I swear to God, my Apple TV just rebooted, presumably to save me from what’s coming up. It didn’t even do the thing where it let me continue from where I left off. Anyway, I’m back up to speed, and Gene explains that he doesn’t know what manscaping is. Jimmy volunteers Hillbilly to get waxed first, and the guys say how Jimmy can be annoying. We’ve established both of these things multiple times now. Tony says, “I think the guys will be surprised how nice this is. If it’s women scaping my man, then let the women skate my man, ha ha! Shh, my wife may be listening.” And now we see Hillbilly getting waxed, and I’m sure this is supposed to be like that scene from the 40 Year Old Virgin, but it’s more nothing. Hillbilly is a pretty good sport and not screaming or anything. For some reason, Jimmy Hart is there watching the whole thing, and that’s really it.
Gene and Howard are getting spray tans, and the chick doing the spray tan says she’s going to make them dark. Gene is being a pervert as Howard is the first to get sprayed, and it’s a touch confusing to see whether he’s excited to see Howard in his underwear (which, ew), or if he’s into the spray tan chick. Gene tries to convince Howard to take off his underwear, which I guess answers my question, but raises so many more. They reveal their new tans to the guys, and Hacksaw spit-takes into a trash can. Hillbilly walks out and takes off his shirt, and the guys applaud. Later, Pat and Tony are getting spray tans, and Pat looks like an old lady with his hair net on, as he complains about it being cold. Well, it’s definitely not hot. And then he complains about the spray tan being cold, and then they show us the spray tan being cold. A few more mentions of it being cold, and Tony comments, “That do make your body look nice.” Which, ew. As the girl is getting ready to spray Pat’s legs, she tells Pat to bend over. Tony says, “Bend over Pat, and I’ll be there in a minute.” Tony is probably joking, but he licks his lips in a weird way, and Pat might have a chubby. Now Roddy is getting waxed, and he thought he was getting his pubes trimmed. Roddy does not deal very well with the waxing, and Hacksaw is in there, and tickles Roddy’s belly. This is one of the most awkward things I’ve ever seen, not just that, but this whole episode. Anyway, he gets waxed. Tony is getting a spray tan, which I guess is funny, and Roddy is still getting waxed. Some more hilarity ensues, and now Roddy is getting a spray tan, and then they show Tony, Roddy, and Pat revealing themselves to the other guys, who applaud. And we’re done.
Now the guys are introduced to the choreographer, who explains that he’s gonna teach the guys how to rip their tank tops off. Pat is kind of upset that the guys would dare call the Chippendales “strippers”, because they’re NOT. They’re DANCERS. Ok, Pat, that’s nice. “Johnny” is the expert shirt ripper, and explains to the guys that you have to rip it “down and out”. Oh really? That’s the trick? I thought it would fucking magically fly off of you and then burst into flames. I didn’t know this before just now, but apparently I, too, am an expert shirt ripper. The key is to rip it. Jimmy Hart fucks it up, of course. Now the guys are practicing their entrances, and they’re carrying a bunch of construction equipment and then not. I know I talk a lot of shit about this show, but it really was a kind of funny bit to see the guys learning how to walk on stage and do their little poses.
And then something magical happens. Hacksaw and Tony actually have a bit of a fight. Something about one of them bumping into the other, and then “Shut up”, and “Shut me up”, and “make me”, and “make ME”. Tony turns around and says “It can happen.” Hacksaw, “Well, if it can happen it can happen.” Tony, “I know, but it will, don’t worry.” This is like the Lincoln-Douglas debates. Two master orators here. And then Jesus Christ, Hacksaw gets really weird. He talks about how he’s not scared of Tony, and says “I’ve been in a fight before, and big muscles don’t mean SHIT, understand?” If you didn’t see this, I have to point out that Hacksaw is not talking to or yelling at Tony at this point, he’s yelling at the camera man, or whoever is conducting this interview-y thing. “I’VE BEEN IN A FIGHT BEFORE”, he continues, “AND BIG MUSCLES DON’T MEAN SHIT TO ME!” Which, he just said twice, like, back to back, and then got increasingly more angry with each word. It was insanity. I guess it was like that thing that happens when someone says something shitty to you and you blank out on the spot, but think of the perfect retort on the car ride home. This was Hacksaw’s perfect retort. “I’VE NEVER BEEN THE BIGGEST, I’VE NEVER BEEN THE (smashing a bottle or cup of water) GOD DAMN STRONGEST AND I GOTTA PUT UP WITH THIS BULLSHIT, AND I’VE FUCKING ABOUT HAD IT!” TOUGH GUY, HOOOOO!
Tony explains that this has been brewing for 20 years, and they never did and never will like each other. Come on guys, if being a part of this amazing show can’t bring you together, then I guess truly nothing can. Hacksaw says he’s not looking for a fight, but he’s never backed down before and he’s sure not going to back down from Tony. He says to the cameraman or producer, “You understand me, brother?” Maybe the producer or whatever prodded him or hit a nerve with a question during the interview thing, which is kinda what this actually seems like. They figured, “Hey, let’s fuck with Hacksaw and make him flip out. That would be great television.” Which, producers, it is.
And now, fuck me, after awesome craziness, we’re back to a bunch of guys dancing. The theme is Risky Business. And thankfully, they do intercut it with Tony and Hacksaw still raging about whatever weird thing is going on between the two of them. Hacksaw talks about how if they (fought), nobody would come out of it well. All the guys have their little bow ties and weird end of the sleeve cuff things, and the audience is filtering in. Pat is excited. About being in front of a crowd, that is. They get a pep talk before the show, and Roddy talks about what a great challenge this is, and the show starts. The guys finally walk on stage with their construction thingies, and do their little dances and stuff. A sign in the background says, “Hard Men Working”, which, ew. Then they do their Risky Business thing, and the guys go out into the crowd and dance with the poor audience. They didn’t show all that much of the guys dancing or anything, which, I’m not complaining. The whole thing was kind of cute. I mean, not the guys, or anything, but it was funnier than I thought it was going to be. All the guys are happy and celebrate after the show.
Now they’re on their way back to the house, and all the guys are talking about how it was fun, but Howard wants to nip the Hacksaw/Tony thing in the bud, before it escalates. Hacksaw smartly avoids Tony as we have our food scene of the week. Roddy says he can feel the tension between the two guys, as they show Tony and Hacksaw glancing at each other at different times. Roddy says he feels caught in the middle, and would take a bullet for both guys. He says he knows what it’s like to be disliked by everybody, so he understands Tony. He talks to Tony, and says how he hasn’t been himself, and that’s he’s been touchy, and he can completely relate. Roddy says if Tony slept good, he’d be much better off. It was a sweet scene, and Roddy is crying a little, and Tony looks like he’s misting up, too. There are glimpses within this show that are really fascinating and interesting, and it’s usually in these non-contrived situations. Gene threatens at the end that the house is definitely going to blow up.
Dare I say that this was an interesting episode?