The SmarK Rant for Monday Night RAW–03.20.94

The SmarK Rant for Monday Night RAW – 03.20.94 They are adding new episodes like CRAZY now. AWESOME. Apparently the dude who was in charge of programming the Network got canned last week, which is why we’re suddenly getting flooded with new content. Live from Poughkeepsie, NY, one day after Wrestlemania X. Your hosts are Vince McMahon & Randy Savage. The Quebecers v. The Bushwackers I didn’t even realize they were still around at this point. The Quebecers were of course the tag champions but this was specifically non-title. Big brawl to start and the Quebecers bail, and back in for some “comedy” spots. Johnny Polo gets involved and gets nailed by Jacques by mistake and Luke gets two. This is just HORRIBLE. Finally they get it together and Jacques gets double-teamed in the Kiwi corner with some super-basic stuff. Pierre also gets dominated and we take a break. Back with Luke playing ugmo-in-peril, as Jacques slams Pierre onto him for two. Man, Pierre Ouelette looks like a high school senior here compared to how grizzled he got even in 95. More dull double-teaming as Luke is just totally unable to work any kind of normal pace, but he makes the hot tag to Butch. Battering Ram for Jacques puts him on the floor, but Polo nails Butch behind the ref’s back and Pierre finishes with a running knee to the back at 13:22. What a trainwreck. It was like they were trying to work a normal tag match, but the Bushwackers are so awful that it ended up 10 times worse than their usual goofy comedy match would have been. DUD Afterwards, Captain Lou returns and challenges them to a tag title match against a team of his choosing. This would end up badly for the champions. Next Monday, watch the special encore of Wrestlemania! You mean we can’t just watch it on the Network the day after? Meanwhile, IRS presents his list of reasons why people are tax cheats. Tatanka v. Chris Hammrick Hey, that jobber ended up in ECW a few years after this, didn’t he? “Hard Cash” Hammrick or something like that? He was pretty decent there, too. Tatanka with a backdrop and chops, and Hammrick charges and takes a bad bump to the floor. No wonder he ended up in ECW. Back in the ring, Tatanka with a delayed suplex and he works the arm, going really stiff on the poor guy for some reason. Tatanka with a pair of chops and the PAPOOSE TO GO to finish at 4:41. This was pretty lengthy for a squash. Diesel v. Some Guy Diesel is starting to get some steam behind him with the fans, who chant his name while he beats on the jobber. Usual Nash squash, Snake Eyes, big boot, powerbomb at 2:25. Now that was a squash. Bret Hart is out with his new belt to issue a challenge to all comers, including his brother. Jeff Jarrett v. Koko B. Ware Hall of Famer Koko B. Ware, don’t forget. And Randy Savage still isn’t. Vince is AGHAST at people disparaging the reputation of Burt Reynolds in the tabloids, which is kind of hilarious given they just showed a clip of Burt at Wrestlemania so drunk off his ass that he’d probably explode near an open flame. Speaking of explosions, the combined ugliness of JJ’s outfit and Koko’s outfit threaten to shatter the phosphors in my TV. Thank god Savage isn’t on screen right now or I’d void my warranty. Koko briefly controls but misses a charge and Jarrett chokes him out. Closeups show Koko looking ROUGH at this point. Drugs are bad, Koko. Jarrett controls with a clothesline out of the corner, but misses a flying fistdrop and Koko makes the comeback. Vince declares that this is “Bowling for Dollars on Monday Night RAW”. I’m gonna let that one slide this time but I’m not tolerating any references stupider than that. Jarrett finishes anyway with a DDT at 5:05. ** Jarrett gets in Savage’s face and Randy is pumping his fists at him like a cartoon superhero, and that would actually be an interesting match if it happens in the next couple of weeks. And then they brawl in the ring, giving us all three neon outfits at the same time…and that’s it for my TV. My poor cat nearly gets mauled by flying shrapnel from the screen shattering due to stress. RIP. Next week: 1-2-3 Kid, Owen Hart, and Lex Luger v. Rick Martel in the battle of narcissists!