This has nothing to do with the WWE
I have personally dedicated this to my friend, brawsome, and all of the RSS Feeds across the universe.
20 Man Win-A-Date Battle Royal
James, DavidBonzaiSaldanaMontgomery, PrimeTime Ten, Beard Money, Hart Killer 09, Your Favourite Loser, cabspaintedyellow, Worst in the World, Mick, nebb28, C.O. Jones, Dr. Facts, juvydriver, Phrederic, Stan Ford, Bobby, Scotty Flamingo, Andy PG, Andrew Dean, X Man
20 jam-up guys in one ring to win a chance at a date with poster jessybabe, who was involuntarily chosen for this stipulation. The date will take place on BoD RAW tomorrow night. And the match gets under way and the first person eliminated is Nebb28, courtesy of Andy PG. Oh man, his pet rock was flown in for the show and that set back the GM a lot of money. Nebb hangs his head in shame as he walks by the rock. And our British representative, Andrew Dean, has been eliminated by C.O. Jones. And the true shooter of the BoD, Bobby, has just been eliminated by the man who found Mrs. Whippleman, Dr. Facts. And look at this, somebody done mess with a country boy as Beard Money is running wild. He eliminates Stan Ford, Phrederic, and X Man then caps it off with a cartwheel. HA HA HA, YES SIR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The BoD Fantasy Sports Man and mediocre comedy poster, DBSM, has just been eliminated by Hart Killer 09. C.O. Jones has just been tossed by cabspaintedyellow. And James has just been tossed by Beard Money. No Daniel Bryan joining the Wyatt Family flashbacks for Andy PG here as he just tossed Worst in the World and juvydriver. And he tosses Scotty Flamingo too, who is now free to go masturbate to the anti-Dave Meltzer comments on the BoD. Mick has been eliminated after getting backdropped to the floor courtesy of Andy PG, who is on fire, unlike Kane. And surprisingly, Your Favourite Loser is still around. Dr. Facts and cabspaintedyellow are fighting near the ropes. Beard Money runs over and clotheslines Dr. Facts and cabspaintedyellow over the top ropes, eliminating them from this match. PrimeTime Ten sneaks up from behind and dumps his partner over the ropes. CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT!!!!!! HE DONE MESSED WITH A COUNTRY BOY!!!! And Beard Money is irate. The final four are Andy PG, Hart Killer 09, PrimeTime Ten, and the job squad member, Your Favourite Loser. Things are getting rough as all four men are getting tired. Andy PG whiffs on a clothesline and Hart Killer 09 connects with a super kick. He picks up Andy and tosses him outside but Andy skins the cat! He charges at Hart Killer, who ducks and pulls down the ropes and Andy PG is eliminated. Good news, White Coat Security does not need the CM Punk sock puppet to help him cope with this situation. Your Favourite Loser is getting chopped in the corner by Hart Killer and PrimeTime Ten, who are now fighting with each other. Your Favourite Loser picks himself up in the corner and dropkicks Hart Killer from behind and he is nearly over the ropes and PrimeTime Ten dumps him to the floor, eliminating Hart Killer 09. We are down to the final two, PrimeTime Ten and Your Favourite Loser, the underdog. PrimeTime clotheslines down the Loser and stomps him repeatedly. PrimeTime is acting a bit arrogant now as Your Favourite Loser is hurting on the mat. He wipes the mat with Loser’s face then kicks him in the back of the head. PrimeTime Ten is looking to hit his patented flying forearm and bounces off of the ropes but he sees Beard Money near the ring and stops. Beard Money yells at him and Your Favourite Loser finally gets up and hits him with a running knee from behind and Beard Money yanks the ropes and that eliminates PrimeTime Ten. And the underdog, Your Favourite Loser has won the battle royal and a date! The crowd is cheering for the underdog, who doesnt know what to do, because he has never won before. Beard Money gets in the ring and asks him to do the do si do but he is still confused as to what has happened. He looks to the crowd for support and they want him to do the do si do and he does!!!!! HA HA HA, GIT DOWN CUZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HA HA HA HA. And we have word that the date will be shown on the next edition of BoD RAW.
BoD Extreme Rules
All matches will feature timekeeper, Mister E Mahn, who is world-renowned for his abilities.
Tables Match for the Tag Team Championship
ABeYance1 & thebraziliankid vs. Adam Curry & Kyle Warne (Champions)
thebraziliankid had his family flown in from Brazil and they are sitting ringside. White Coat Security is their to prevent Parallax from hitting on his aunt. The match is under tornado rules. Everyone is brawling in the ring to start. Curry goes outside and slides in a table, as does Abeyance. Kyle and Adam were reportedly very excited over the RoH show this Saturday, making them two out of 300 people on planet earth who share the same feeling. Abeyance tries to set up the table but Warne boots him in the gut then tosses him to the floor. thebrazilian kid then fires Warne outsides and tries to fly out with a suicide dive but gets speared by Curry. Curry then hits a snap suplex and backbreaker before climbing up top. Abeyance shoves Curry off of the top, narrowly missing a table. Warne then takes Abeyance down with a superplex as bodies are everywhere. The action goes back outside as Abeyance is set up on a table. Warne goes up top but thebraziliankid hops up and tossing him down to the floor. Abeyance gets off of the table and pulls out a can of Aqua Net and a stick. The referee runs over to remind Abeyance that it is not a requirement to respond to every single post then lets him continue. Abeyance sprays two hearty squirts of Aqua Net onto the table and his now rubbing a stick together with his hands in an attempt to start a fire!!!!! GUNS DONT KILL PEOPLE, ABEYANCE KILLS PEOPLE. Abeyance is struggling to get a fire going with the stick and tries a match but he messed it up and there is no fire. thebraziliankid runs over and spears Curry then takes out Warne with a leg lariat. He runs over to his family and he sees his cousins but Abeyance seems to be struggling to figure out which Brazilian is his partner because they all look the same to him. But Curry hits thebraziliankid from behind with a chair and that sends him down. Warne tackles Abeyance and puts him on the table as Curry goes up top and puts thebraziliankid through the table with a 5 Star Frog Splash as they retain the tag belts. Oh my, a lot of miscommunication between the young guns of the BoD.
“Dancin'”Devin Harris vs. Todd “Hoss” Lorenz
GIT DOWN WITH DA D-D-H!!!!! Before the show, Lorenz had turned away the delivery truck that contained snickers bars and shook down the driver for his wallet too. Match starts off with a lockup and the DDH pushes Hoss away, who is irate. DDH dodges a charge and hits some DANCIN PUNCHES!!!!!!!!!! AND THEN HE DOES A JIG!!!!!!!!!!! HA HA HA, YESSSSIRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!! DDH hits a corner splash then gets two with a bulldog. DDH works a bearhug but Hoss escapes with a bell clap and his on the warpath. He uses clubbing forearms to the back then gets two with a backbreaker. The Hoss puts on his own bearhug as DDH is unable to get funky. He breaks the hold and gets a slam. Hoss is now going up top and this cant end well folks. He tries a splash but the DDH thankfully rolls out of the way and both men are down. The Hoss is up first and they now slug it out. The DDH wins the battle and knocks Hoss right to the mat with a right and look, he is getting FUN-KAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The DDH hits a few clotheslines then boots Hoss through the ropes. Hoss takes a breather outside and places his hand on the guardrail for support. He looks up and sees someone in the stands pull out a Snickers bar from their pocket. The fan peels open the wrapper and goes for a bite and the Hoss is irate. He knocks over the guardrail and slaps the bar out of the fan’s hand. He is screaming at the fan “NO SNICKERS BARS” then picks up the fan by the throat and chokeslams him down. The referee counts to ten as DDH wins the match, via countout. Hoss is now really mad as the concession stand workers are evacuating the area. The music of DDH hits as the BoDettes come into the ring and everyone is GETTIN’ DOWN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Hoss cannot handle that others are having fun right now and runs over to the sound system and destroys it all. He grabs the DJ and shakes him down for his wallet before leaving. He then goes back to retrieve the DJ’s hamburger and eats that while walking away as the DDH wonders why the Hoss is so angry.
As the tag champs are interviewed backstage, John Petuka and kbjone stop by and congratulate them on their victory. The shake the hands of the champs then walk away…..
Logan Scisco vs. Tommy Hall
The e-book money continues to funnel in for Tommy as he is sporting a Curtis Enis throwback in addition to his lucky Champion sweatpants. And do I see knock-off designer sunglasses too? They are fake Oakley’s, or Joakley’s if you will. This grudge match is the result of a feud that started after Scisco eliminated Hall at the BoD Rumble. Tommy backtracks and attempts to use the referee as a shield but Scisco unloads on him, still angry at Hall cheating to win at BoD Mania when he used the roll of nickels. Scisco grinds Hall’s face against the cage. He rams his head against each side of the cage as Scisco is getting is revenge. Tommy is begging for mercy but Scisco wont have any of that. He is kicking Tommy repeatedly, who is asking for a timeout. Scisco then rips the Enis throwback off of his body!!!!!!!! You know how many e-books Tommy had to slave over to pay for that? A shitload of ’em. Logan drags Tommy to the opposite corner and sets up for a running knee but Tommy is able to dodge the attack. Tommy takes his Enis throwback and chokes out Logan, making this the only time a Curtis Enis Chicago Bears jersey has ever been useful. Tommy now chops Logan then launches him into the cage. Tommy tries to climb up the cage as Logan slowly makes his way to his feet. He yanks Tommy’s leg, who splats on the mat. Logan stumbles over and drops a few elbows. Logan locks in the sharpshooter as Tommy is bleeding from his forehead. Logan is cranking back as Tommy is withering in pain. After a while, or the time it takes Tommy to sell three e-books, the hold is broken. Logan goes up top now and climbs as Tommy is getting up. Tommy gets to his feet and climbs up with Logan. He pulls Logan down as he slides down the cage. They are both near the bottom of the cage and struggle to climb up. They are both near the top as Logan fires away. He climbs just near the top as Tommy pulls on his leg and that stops Logan for a bit. Tommy reaches in his sweats and pulls out a sock. Its a loaded sock and he wallops Logan on top of the head twice, as Logan falls off of the cage!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Tommy puts the sock back and we see what appears to be pennies fall out on the mat. Tommy reaches the floor and has won the match! He has done it again with that e-book money. Someone needs to humble him and prevent the flaunting of his cash. Who will stand up to this tyrant?
Backstage, Parallax is asking people if they have seen Officer Farva tonight. No one has seen him at all. Parallax looks concerned.
Special Bonus Match
Mar Solo & JoeDust & YJ2310 vs. White Thunder & Paul Meekin & WWF1987
This was added to the card today. Although they are top 20 posters, we do not know that much about some of these guys but BoD Newz Man Wade Michael Meltzer did some digging and found out some info. Mar Solo once sold a pack of cigarettes to Danny Bonaduce and Joe Dust makes one hell of a cranberry chutney every Christmas. YJ2310 is “Mr. Top 13” and starts off with the one and only blog otter, Paul Meekin. He uses his patented spin kick that takes down everyone from #14 and below on the BoD pecking order. WWF1987 tags and was the man who suggested the “shit” thread to Meekin. WWF1987 works over YJ2310 escapes and tags Joe Dust, who works the arm. White Thunder is on the apron and wants to tag but WWF1987 will not let him. White Thunder gets mad and starts to strut around like the Nature Boy but unlike the Nature Boy, he has money in his pocket. White Thunder tags himself in and gets hit by Mar Solo, who sold cigs to Bonaduce and beat his friends at Double Dribble on NES on his 8th birthday. Mar Solo bounces off of the ropes and hits a back elbow smash. Meekin makes a blind tag and boots Solo down and goes for the Otter Dropper!!!!! He goes for the pin but Mr. Top 13 makes the save and now the match breaks down. The Chutney Master gets dumped by Meekin, who gets dumped by Mar Solo. And now Solo flies out with a plancha. WWF1987 and White Thunder double-team Mr. Top 13 and try for a Hart Attack but Mr. Top 13 escapes and WWF1987 hits Thunder. Mr. Top 13 takes WWF1987 and puts him away with a Death Valley Driver. White Thunder is angry with WWF1987 and they argue until Meekin steps in and breaks it up. Lots of animosity between WWF1987 and White Thunder right now as Meekin is doing his DDP Yoga in between is next thread titled “Most Embarrassing Shart.”
GM Bayless is in the ring. He brings out Steve Ferrari, still bandaged up from his beating at BoD Mania, refusing to call him Extant1979. Bayless tells him that is a bullshit name and it will never be acknowledged. He then tells Ferrari that he will be facing the Unstable tonight.
Steve Ferrari vs. Elvy Landa & Steve Stennick & Gideon Stargrave & Jesse Baker
As the Unstable makes their way to the ring, the police come out to take Elvy away, who was arrested for stalking another porn star on Twitter. It’s now a 3 on 1 match. And again, Baker is stuck in the ropes. Ferrari hits Stennick with a running knee strike and that sends him off of the apron. He goes after Gideon, who responds by punching himself in the face. Ferrari sits back as Gideon hammers away at his own face. Stennick comes from behind and attacks Ferrari. A few White Coat Security guys come out and they hold down Ferrari. Baker frees himself from the ring ropes and has Gideon put a black glove on his hand. Baker approaches Ferrari, who is held by two members of White Coat Security, struggles to get free. Wait a minute, coming from the stands are Nick “The Brick” Piers and
Magoonie Teddy Belmont!!!! Two of the finest parking attendant’s the BoD has ever seen. The attack Stennick and Gideon runs away. And Ferrari breaks free as the three midcarders explode!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ITS MIDCARD MADNESS FOLKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! They now go over to Baker who is throwing windmill punches while he is still stuck in the ropes. Baker manages to flee as the three midcarders who were targeted by the GM stand triumphant in the ring. The GM CANNOT BE HAPPY ABOUT THIS
Officer Farva vs. Jef Vinson
Vinson is in the ring but Farva is nowhere to be seen. The referee looks over at the wonderful timekeeper and signals for the match to begin. The referee counts and Farva still has not shown up. He finally reaches ten and the match was ended, with Jef Vinson winning by countout. Jef has his arm raised in victory but now here comes Farva, stumbling down the aisle. He has not realized that the match is over. Jef looks over at Farva, who has dropped some gimmicks from his pocket and then falls over as he goes to pick them up. I thought this guy was saved but apparently not. Is this the end of the Farva & Parallax duo?
Culstatus leaves his private dressing room backstage and runs into Jef Vinson, who reminds the champ that he is the older of the Money on the Table briefcase and tonight, he could walk out as the champion.
GM Bayless is backstage and screaming about the midcarders ruining his plans. He says that he will address the issue on the next episode of BoD RAW.
Kyle Fitta vs. Stranger in the Alps (Champion)
What a battle this is going to be. Stranger took time out of his busy day slaving over old ECW Hardcore TV recaps to defend this prestigious title. Kyle takes control early but Stranger sets him straight with a lariat. He works the leg and might be setting him up for the dreaded Can Opener, which stunned his brother many of times back in their Canadian living room. Kyle fights back and shows some fire but that is stopped with a forearm to the face. Stranger’s Irish whip is reversed and Kyle follows that with a running elbow smash then some chops in the corner. BOD FUN FACT: Kyle’s favorite character from “Pinocchio” is in fact, Pinocchio. Back to the match, Kyle gets some nearfalls with a few suplexes but misses a flying body press and that allows Stranger to connect with the dreaded can opener for the win. Kyle will be in pain for a while.
First Blood Match for the BoD Heavyweight Championship
Parallax1978 vs. Cultstatus (Champion)
There are no disqualifications in this match. The two men stare each other down before the match. I am not 100% certain, but I think the winner of this match will be receiving a visit from Mrs. Whippleman in their hotel room tonight. These two slug it out for a bit then spill outside. Cult ducks a chairshot as Parallax tries to draw blood early. Cult spears him down then rams his head off of the floor. The Pittsburgh Snooze Lord is beating on the Short Carolina Man as they head up the aisle. They are now backstage as the catering tables are once again empty, except for the untouched salad. Cult picks up the table and tosses it at Parallax, who ducks, then takes the tray of Salad but Todd Lorenz grabs the tray and slams it on the ground, yelling “NO SALADS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” That allows Parallax to hit a running knee strike. He drags Cult back down the aisle and sends him into the guardrail. BREAKING NEWS: Our cameras are backstage as Office Farva is beating on Jef Vinson. HE WAS SOBER THE ENTIRE TIME DAMMIT!!!!!!!!!! Farva is choking him out with a child’s toy stethoscope then tosses him into the wall. Farva and Parallax have devised a plan to win the belt and not have Vinson cash in his briefcase. Parallax still has control as Farva makes his way to the ring. They pick him up and hit a double suplex on the concrete. They roll him inside as Farva slides in a chair. Parallax picks it up but swings and misses as the breeze is felt up in the bleachers. Cult boots down Parallax and fires away. He hits a side slam then drops the leg. He fires Parallax over the top ropes and takes down both Farva and Parallax with a suicide dive as the BoD Arena is going crazy. He takes Farva and drops him with a clothesline. He fires Parallax over near our timekeeper and yanks away the bell and smashes it against Parallax’s face but no blood. He tries it again but Farva stops him and hits Cult, but still no blood. Farva goes into the stands as Parallax has control of the match. He kicks him repeatedly as Farva has come back with a beer bottle. He gives it to Parallax and holds up Cult but from behind, he comes Jef Vinson!!!!!!! He clobbers Farva then throws him down. He goes after Parallax and lights him up near the announcers table. He is seeking revenge from the attack by Farva that was orchestrated by the wife-fucker. Cult reaches for the bottle but a struggle ensues between him and Farva. Cult lets go as Farva drops the bottle, smashing it against the floor. Parallax dodges an attack from Vinson and takes down Cult from behind. He drags him near the broken glass and looks to be setting him up for the curb stomp. He brings Cult up for the move but he blocks it and grabs Parallax’s leg from a crouched position and lifts him up on his shoulders!!!!!!!! The champ shows a lot of strength here but Parallax is able to escape and land on the apron. He waits for Cult to turn around and jumps but Cult is able to catch him. Farva comes back with another beer bottle and swings but Vinson blocks the attempt. Farva takes the bottle and pushes Vinson away and goes for a swing but it misses Cult, who then takes the bottle and smashes it against Parallax’s face, which is a bloody mess, for the win!!!!!!!!! Parallax’s own medicine was used against him. But from behind comes Jobber123 and he attacks Cult but Vinson runs in for the save. And they beat on Jobber until Farva comes over to even the score. Parallax runs over and it is a 3 on 2 brawl as we are outta time.