Repost: The Netcop Smackdown Rant– 04.27.00

(Apparently I used to rant on this show back in 2000.  Who knew?  This one was just posted to the Network, so here’s my thoughts on it when it originally aired 14 years ago.)  The Netcop Rant for Smackdown, April 27, 2000 – I have nothing extraneous to add before we start this week. – Your hosts are Michael Cole the Little Goatee Wearing Bitch & Jerry Lawler. Opening match: Eddie Guerrero & Chyna v. Val Venis & Essa Rios. Wasn’t it enough that Chyna wrecked a bunch of potential **** matches during the Jericho era, and now she has to do the same for Eddie? Hey, Joanie, you’re a VALET, deal with it. Lita makes faces at her before we start. Val overpowers Eddie, who responds with an enzuigiri to the face. Ouch. Val gets a blue thunder bomb for two, but walks into a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker. Chyna comes in and go after Rios, with Rios getting caught in the corner and double-teamed by a nice series of stuff. Chyna hits the handspring elbow, and Eddie follows with a brainbuster for two. Essa reverses a tilt-a-whirl attempt and does the rope-bounce rana, allowing him to tag Val in. Val drops Eddie with a pancake move, face-first onto the upraised feet of Rios. Now THAT’S cool. Eddie counters an irish whip with a rana. Chyna looks to get the hot tag, but the ref was elsewhere and escorts her out. Meanwhile, Rios hits a gorgeous moonsault onto Eddie for the pin at 4:40, and Lita follows with her own. Eddie needs to dump Chyna and bring in Juventud Guerrera so we can really crank up the latino goodness. **1/2 – 20-minute interview this week features the Rock. He tells the McMahons to hurry up and book him in whatever dumb gimmick match they want to this week, with a list of choices ranging from “cage match” to “Stephanie’s dirty panties on a pole match”. That last one is just BEGGING for an internet fanboy joke, but I’m bigger than that. HHH declines a match tonight on the grounds of redundancy (no shit), and sets up Road Dogg v. Christian instead. And if Edge interferes, the champs are stripped of the titles, because the McMahons don’t like other people interfering. Nyuk, nyuk. Oh, and Shane is the special ref for Backlash. Rock finally drops the bomb: Stone Cold is here TONIGHT. Huge pop for that. The McMahons freak out and call him a liar. – The McMahon clan arrives back at the DX Express and finds Stone Cold foam fingers on the windshield wipers. – WWF Lightheavyweight title: Scotty 2 Hotty v. Dean Malenko. Enough with the sportz entertainment, on with the sports! Dean blindsides Scotty and beats on him in the corner. Scotty reverses a kneelift with a cradle, but Dean hits a backdrop suplex. Running lariat in the corner follows, but Scotty blocks a superplex and hits a missile dropkick. They fight over a suplex, resulting in Dean winning but Scotty turning it into a cradle for two. Backdrop from Dean, but he misses a blind charge and Scotty bulldogs him down and hits the Worm. Dean tosses him, but he comes right back with a sunset flip in, and Dean sits down for the pin and his second light heavyweight title at 3:55. A bit lacklustre, but hey, Prince Iaukea is nowhere to be seen, so I’m happy. ** – Back in the bus, HHH gets the 3-1-6 on his pager. Neat bit of continuity there harkening back to Austin’s mindgames with Rocky in 1997. – T&A v. The Hollies. Sadly, the long cool woman in the black dress is representing the other team. And the dress is pink. Ah hell, there’s probably only 3 or 4 people who even get that joke. Backlash’s hardcore match is now including the Hardyz. Hey, that’s great, even though I don’t think they ever made mention of the hardcore match more than once in the first place, so it’s not really earth-shattering news or anything. Test & Hardcore do bad things to each other to start. Crash comes in with a tornado DDT for two, but eats a powerbomb. Albert comes in and yells a lot. It’s the Monica Seles of wrestling, except he’s not as attractive. Hardcore hits the DROPKICK OF DOOM for two, and Crash wants the chance to finish. He misses a top rope splash, however, and T&A finishes him with the powerbomb-elbowdrop combo at 3:13. Before Hardcore has the chance to turn on Crash, the Dudleys rush the ring and take out T&A. They set up a table for Trish, but she retorts by rubbing her fake boobs in Buh Buh’s face until he goes into a trance and lets her go. T&A put Buh Buh through the table for good measure. She’s a table teaser! Match was bleh. * – Vince & Shane attack a cardboard cutout of Steve Austin. Or was it Hulk Hogan? It’s hard to tell. – Kurt Angle tries to impress Stephanie, but she’s too busy looking for Austin. – Tazz & Chris Jericho v. Chris Benoit & Perry Saturn. Color coordination this week: Purple and black. Jericho and Saturn start, with Saturn pancaking him. Jericho quickly gets the Liontamer, however. Benoit uses the title belt to break, and Saturn gets two. Tazz and Staurn go, with Tazz suplexing him for two. Saturn gets his own for two. Benoit comes in and clotheslines Tazz for two, and a snap suplex gets two. The Radicals hit their version of Demolition Decapitation for two. Crippler Crossface, but Jericho breaks it up. Tazz escapes the triple suplex, and makes the hot tag to Jericho. Bulldog on Benoit gets two. Tazz hooks the Tazzmission on Saturn and they tumble out of the ring, leaving Jericho to hit the Lionsault on Benoit for the pin at 4:13. Too short, but a way hot finish. **1/4 – Road Dogg v. Christian. Brawl on the floor to start, and Christian baseball slides Dogg and hits a springboard bodyblock. It gets two. To the top, but Dogg catches him with a lariat coming down, for two. Christian comes back with an inverted DDT off the top. Slugfest, and Christian hits a shoulderblock. Front drop suplex gets two. Dogg gets the pumphandle slam for the pin at 3:05. Never really clicked. *1/4 Jesse snaps and beats the crap out of Christian after the bell, so the ref reverses the decision. Hella-weak. – The McMahons attack a JVC Kaboom Box. Hey, I thought that you weren’t supposed to be ABLE to smash them that easily! – Kurt Angle, Big Bossman & Bull Buchanan v. Rikishi Phatu & The Big Show. Show cleans house on everyone for a bit, then Rikishi gives Bull the Salad Tosser, as Bossman and Angle seem to have disappeared. Chokeslam finishes him at 1:50. Well, that was certainly right to the point. DUD Dance Fever follows. – The McMahons attack a bald guy in the bathroom. – Al Snow wants a reconcilliation with Steve Blackman, but Blackman blows him off and makes fun of Head. Ouch. – Hardycore title: Matt Hardy v. Jeff Hardy. Matt offers Jeff a cookie sheet, then wallops him with a trash can lid. Jeff responds in kind. Flying broom gets two for Jeff. The other participants in the hardcore match on Sunday join us at ringside. Jeff does a Flair flip in the corner and ends up in a garbage can, which Matt dropkicks. He moonsaults the trash can, which looked like it would have crushed Jeff’s head. Both find ladders and have a duel, which Jeff wins by dropkicking Matt’s ladder. He sets his own up and hits the leapfrog legdrop over it for two. He goes for the swanton off the top of it, but Matt sprays him with a fire extinguisher and knocks him to the floor, onto Tazz and Saturn. Back in, and suddenly Crash Holly charges in, nails Matt with a cookie sheet, and pins him to win the title himself at 4:32. Kind of a silly finish to a pretty insane match. ** – A delivery man brings a cement mixer with 4 tons of concrete for Vince’s Corvette. – The Godfather v. Steve Blackman. Kicky-punchy for a minute, then Al Snow runs in and attacks Godfather for the DQ. Pretty pointless. DUD – The McMahons find a rattlesnake in their room. – Main event interview: The McMahons call Austin out because they’re tired of all the games. No bald people are evident, so they decide to call the Rock out instead. Much standing around is involved. Finally, the Rock emerges, summarizes the skits from tonight for anyone watching the news on another channel, and introduces Austin on the video wall. He drops a steel girder on the DX bus, which EXPLODES. Jesus, was it a Ford Pinto or something? Were DX carrying a load of pyro with them in case they needed to cut a promo by the side of the road or something? Didn’t someone at the state line look in the back and note that they had 50 pounds of C4 sitting on the back seat and warn them about potential explosions? The Bottom Line: Well, that was a pretty laughable ending, but as usual the wrestling stole the show. Oh, and NO CELEBRITIES WON THE WORLD TITLE. That one’s pretty important. Nothing really super-outstanding about the show, though, just another great buildup to the PPV, as is the usual for the WWF right now.