This week, on Legends’ House – bowling with old ladies! I don’t really like watching bowling with PROFESSIONAL bowlers, but old ladies and old wrestlers? Count me in! Also, that first sentence might be constructed strangely. I didn’t mean that they were going to be bowling, using old ladies as balls, although that might be interesting to watch. Also, that last sentence might be constructed strangely. I don’t think they’re going to be using old ladies as balls in any form, although that might also be interesting to watch.
Previously, on Legends’ House, Tony Atlas is annoying to live with. Like, not annoying enough to make things interesting, or quirky enough to make things fun (although he did really give it a go last episode), but still, slightly annoying. Oh, and also they cooked and ate food.
Inside the Legends’ House, Tony and Jimmy are working out, and the rest of them are sleeping. Roddy yawns and says “holy cow”. And I guess that’s that.
Later, Ashley walks in, and says hi to everyone, telling them they have “fun things to do”. I somehow doubt it, but I’m going to go ahead and have extremely high hopes for this episode. Ashley says, “We’ve accepted a challenge on your behalf from a local bowling league that has called you out, and I’ve heard that they’re pretty (snicker) tough.” Ha ha, ho. Fink seems extremely confident and says, “You are looking at some of the greatest alleymen in the business.” First of all, “alleymen”? I’ve done my fair share of bowling, but I’ve never heard that term. I’m fine with that, I mean, it might be common, and I am able to figure out what it means (it means “bowlers”), but still, weird. Also, what business? The ex-wrestling business? Anyway, he’s super excited. Also anyway, they have FIVE MINUTES to get ready! I am sitting here, typing this review, wiping sleep from my eyes, and I’m already ready to go bowling. It doesn’t take much prep. Oh, I see – it does in this case, because they show up at the bowling alley, and they all have bowling shirts on. So they go in, and Hillbilly says, “We’re going to engage in a bowling contest!”, which, thanks, Hillbilly and editing team, I already was tracking with you. You just fucking showed me and told me that they were going bowling. I’ve got this.
Anyway, it’s old ladies, which would still not really be surprising even if I didn’t already know. It’s whatever. They announce that they are called “The Bowling Queens”. Now we just need to know the name of ladies’ team! HA! Get it? Because…ugh. Hacksaw acts weird and makes all the guys call them hoes. Or say “ho”. And then they talk about how they’re all nice ladies, and I think Pat makes the obvious joke I made earlier about wanting to meet the “desert queen”, because I’m really not that good at this. Also, I’m watching this on my computer, and there’s a little half loop control button at the bottom of the video player with a 10 inside of it. Apparently this makes the video go back 10 seconds, which is sadly useful for this kind of stuff. Or would be, if it didn’t just crash my player. So, upon rewatch, they don’t show show who says it, but it makes it look like Roddy actually said it. Mean Gene acts like a perv and calls one of the ladies a tomato. And we’re off. Bowling. They talk about how dressy the ladies’ team is, and one of the ladies tells Tony that they’ll go easy on them. Which Tony is ok with, because he says he doesn’t have a clue what he’s doing. Come on, man. Do you have no life experience at all? You’ve never been near a horse, never been bowling? Even if you’ve never been bowling, couldn’t you pretty quickly figure it out? Throw the round heavy at the standy white things. Make them fall. Howard re-re-reiterates his confidence and they show a couple old clips of him actually wrestling. Hilariously (and genuinely), he bowls terribly – he does the thing where he doesn’t know how to take the right amount of steps, and ends up shuffling/tippy toeing up to the line, and then throws it into the gutter. Jesus, all of them suck, as they show them all bowling nothing but gutterballs. Mean Gene bowls one from the concession stand, and the ladies alternate talking shit and trying to be helpful to this poor, stupid man, telling him he can go all the way up to the line before limp-wristedly wishing one in the general direction of the pins. I’m also not positive Gene remembered to wear pants. It looks like he’s wearing old man boxers – and yes, I’ve seen my share. Gene says “holy balls”.
And of course, a montage of the girls getting lots of spares. The guys all complain about how they didn’t know the old girls would be such good bowlers. Which, for one, of course they’re going to be. And two, they’re not THAT good. They’re not like senior tour champions or anything, with wrist stabilizers and putting crazy spin on the ball. They’re just probably 50-65 year old housewives who go bowling on that Tuesday night league, and probably finished second last year. Hacksaw comments that they (The Legends) were playing their (The Queens) game, but if they (The Queens) came into the ring, the Legends would beat the devil out of them. WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT VERSION OF THIS SHOW? The guys all talk about how competitive they are, and how they want to win. Roddy says he used to be “the most feared man in the world”. Ok, but not really, Roddy. Whatever helps you sleep/wander into vacant lots and howl/sleep again at night. Drums come in, and the guys are getting fired up. A couple strikes, and then they show Hacksaw bowl an 8 (which, I guess is the best thing he did the entire time – even editing can’t cover up his shittiness, apparently), which leads into some classic Hacksaw clips. A couple of the ladies are actually kinda young-ish and hot-ish looking. When I saw the previews, I thought it was going to be geriatric but professional female bowlers. Instead, this show gives us some kinda old, sorta decent female bowlers. This is a microcosm of this whole fucking thing, complete half-assery.
Then it’s done, and the guys look at the scoreboards like fucking cavemen seeing an iPhone. Jimmy absolutely amazingly says, “There’s no way to tell who won by looking at the scoreboards.” I’m seriously beside myself. THAT’S EXACTLY HOW YOU FUCKING TELL WHO WINS. You might have to add a couple scores together for teams, but Christ. They were electronic scoreboards. You didn’t even have to make the little slashies and x’s or figure out the scoring on a spare or a 10th frame strike or anything. Just add numbers together. Truly, truly amazing. And then they show the results. The Legends…736 pins. The Queens…876 pins. Are you seriously fucking shitting me? That’s not even close at all. You couldn’t visually tell, without even technically doing math or addition, that there was a big difference between those scores? I can’t. I can’t do this anymore.
The next morning, Ashley comes back in wearing some short little leather shorts and heels, and I guess I can muscle through just a little more of this show. She informs the guys that they will be split into two teams, and each team will have to make a 30 second commercial for a local business. And what they should do, is, something like:
“Hi, I’m former WWE wrestler blah blah blah, and these are 3 other old famous wrestlers. Buy Bob’s Lumber.” And, scene. Let’s find out together how they fuck this up. They look hesitant, but Ashley says, “C’mon guys, it’s just like cutting a promo.” Which, fucking yes. Exactly. Gene is the captain of one of the teams, and talks about how it’s right down his alley. Which, fucking yes. It sure is. They show a clip of Gene with Rick Rude as something falls down in the background and screw up his flow, which was actually really funny. I hadn’t seen that before. The other captain is Piper, and they pick teams. Tony is the last person picked, probably because he’s going to be the biggest detriment to the entire process, and Ashley hands both captains envelopes with instructions that they have to follow. One envelope says “stay here”, and the other says “Van is waiting”. I hope Hillbilly Jim or one of the guys explains what those envelopes mean, and what they’re going to have to do. “That means we get to hit the bricks.” Cool, thanks Gene. Jimmy says, “That means we get outta here first.” Thanks so much, Jimmy. On the other team, Tony says he wants to run the camera. Roddy says no, because he doesn’t think Tony could even run a can opener. That’s the blender/freezer calling the can opener black, huh Roddy? Tony is sad because no one likes him. Aw.
Gene and his team of Patterson, Hart, and Hillbilly are taken to a car wash. Gene is just completely shocked that he would be doing a commercial for a car wash. I don’t really understand why he is this level of surprised, which is to say, any level of surprised, but whatever. They meet a guy who could be the owner, or could just be the cashier, and Pat makes a gay joke about blowing stuff. Jimmy says he has a lot of “great idears”, and is excited to show people what they can do as a team. I’m not sure what that really means at all. I didn’t have any pre-conceived notions about this team and being able to make a commercial for a local business. My expectations are zero. I’m pretty sure it’ll be stupid, but it’s a local commercial for a car wash. Kinda redundant. Meanwhile, a car pulls up to pick up the other dummies. The driver of the car is wearing some very wacky yellow pants, which all the guys comment on. His name is Mark, and he wants them to make a commercial for his business. What business, you ask? He’s gonna show us! He opens the door to reveal…them cutting away to show the other guys at the car wash! Are you kidding me? I’m on pins and needles! I need to know, now. I consider fast forwarding or turning the show off completely, but they show Gene and the guys writing the copy and storyboarding. Actually, they seem to be doing a moderately decent job. Pat is confused by simple colors as Jimmy annoys everyone.
And oh my stars, we finally get to see what was hidden inside the car – plastic flamingos! This wacky guy with wacky pants has extra wacky plastic flamingos. Mark goes on to explain that his business is renting plastic flamingos to parties and special events. It’s really weird, I’ve ALWAYS wanted to own a business like that. You know, completely stupid bullshit. Roddy is as confused and irritated as I am, as Hacksaw hits himself in the face with a flamingo. But wait, there’s more! Also little yellow rubber duckies! You guys. I don’t think I can make it through this one. Where’s Ashley and her legs? Mark asks rhetorically, “Can’t you just imagine a yard full of plastic flamingos, and a pool full or rubber duckies?” Tony answers, extremely seriously, “Yes. The answer is yes.” I fucking howled with laughter at that. I’m back on board. Tony just earned this show 5 more minutes of watchability with that. Tony is way too excited about this. “My momma used to say, a man never grows up, his toys just get more espensive…unless they RUBBER DUCKY RUGGIE BUCKIES!” I swear to God he said that, and again, redeemed this entire show.
Now back to the other guys, Jimmy Hart is fucking shit up. They’ve got a bit about the vacuum, and Pat says something like, “Vacuums, they really suck. Reminds me a lot of …Piper…’s team.” That came off more dark than funny. And back to Piper’s Ruggie Bucky team, Fink asks where they should set up, and Roddy says, “I think outside.”, completely not joking. Wow, yeah. Tony wants the guys to take the joy of flamingos more seriously than the other guys who are kinda fucking around. Tony is SO excited and squeals “RUBBER DUCKLY DUCKLY!”, as he plays with the toys, and gets in all the guys faces, making sure they love the stupid toys as much as he does. Meanwhile, back at the car wash, everyone still thinks Jimmy is annoying. And immediately back to team Rubber Duckly Duckly as Tony is just filled with joy when he figures out a tripod. A couple of the guys shoot or rehearse their parts, and then they show Tony on the ground, RUGGIE BUCKIES stuck to his face and poured all over him, two Flamingos near his crotch, and laughing like a donkey. He does a couple variations of “Rubber ducky rucky bucky” for the commercial. A few minutes later, Tony says “less is more”. Yeah, it is, rucky buckly. They all complain about how they’re running out of time, and then just do boring arguments with each other. Now, the other group is washing a car. The auto car wash starts, and Pat gets way pissed. Jimmy gets blamed for it and says he didn’t do it. This is so very real and unscripted.
Roddy and the guys are doing silly things with the flamingos and saying “Flock of flamingos” over and over. Then Tony is pretty much done, and kinda retreats into a childish, “I’m not talking to anyone” kind of way. But they’re not the only ones with DRAMA! The other team is reviewing the tape to see what caused the car wash to start, and it turns out it wasn’t Jimmy Hart! I knew it! I didn’t care, but I knew it. They end up blaming the owner/cashier for doing it, and I still don’t care. Pat cusses out the owner for pushing the button. You know, Pat has such a weird way of talking. It’s close to regular human speech, but just a little off. It’s like how in CGI there is an effect when creating believable human characters, the more abstracted they are from actual humans, the easier time our brains have of suspending disbelief. But the closer they get to photorealism, even the smallest difference can really throw us off and take us completely out of the realm of believability. I guess I’m trying to say Pat Patterson’s accent is the uncanny valley.
I know I say this a lot, but this is really so very long. They could definitely make this a 22 minute show and maybe it would be passable. It’s SO long. I’ve been watching this show forever now. They’re all back at the house, and Tony is mumbling to himself about how he’s upset. He tells Jimmy how he doesn’t want to bond, and he’s the outcast, and he doesn’t like the other people. Jimmy heads off, and Tony Atlas sings “I’m alone again” to the tune of “On the Road Again”, and then burps. The commercial editors come in, and while I respect editors and think film editing is fun and interesting and underrated and absolutely vital, I can’t think of too many things I’d rather watch less than a video of people editing. The car wash one appears like it might be semi-professionally done and looking pretty ok. The flamingo one looks like a nightmare. Roddy Piper and Duggan awkwardly close to the camera screaming “Flocko Flamingo! Flocko Flamingo!”. Now I don’t even want to rent flamingos and rucky buggies because I’m too frightened. Duggan is very positive that it’s going to be perfect. They’re talking about what kind of music to put, and all the guys immediately shut Tony up every time he tries to help. Tony storms off. Roddy is pissed at Tony and vaguely threatens him. Not to his face, but in the confessional-style interview cut ins they do. Roddy just wants to get the job done, and Tony says he’s done. Roddy half-assedly tries to get Tony to rejoin the guys, and Tony says he’s done. Again. So Roddy accepts it.
Next morning, Howard thinks the commercial looks great. They’re about to have their commercials judged. Roddy calls Tony an asshole, but then talks him up and they hug and laugh. Tony is thankful, and admits he talks too much. Ashley comes in with Red & Link or Rhett and Link, and I don’t care, because Ashley is not dressed sluttily enough for my liking. They make commercials or something, and they’re gonna judge the guys’ commercials. They make good with the guys by saying how they were huge fans, and had all their action figures and stuff. And now we see the commercials. First up is the car wash, and it’s really dumb. But, on the other hand, if it were a small town and you saw Jimmy Hart and Mean Gene doing a local commercial, that might be kinda neat. The Reddened Lynx guys talk about how Pat was censored and bleeped out, which you’ll remember, was triggered by the owner pushing the button. Which was part of the script, apparently. They just blew commercial kayfabe. Mean Gene says he could see this playing during the Super Bowl. He was obviously joking. Then it’s the Rucky Buckies’ turn, and oh my God. It’s absolutely terrifying. The judges say how bad it was, but it was memorable. One of the judges says the exact same thing as I just did, how it’s memorable, but will haunt his nightmares. Roddy’s team wins. Ashley announces that both teams will be going to Vegas. Roddy’s team goes in a limo, the losing team goes in a van. Mean Gene says balls again. The guys ride in the van and are upset about it, even though it’s nice enough and big enough. A trooper pulls over the limo and WE’LL FIND OUT WHAT HAPPENS, NEXT WEEK, ON LEGEND’S HOUSE!
<spoiler alert: nothing happens. Nothing ever happens.>