I got a lot of shit last week for hating on the Short People Match. Or Midget Match. Is it “little people” or is it “midget” these days? I can never be sure what’s acceptable. I had heard one guy tell me “midget” was “unacceptable” and “offensive”. Another person “of that stature”, he told me, “Little people is degrading because we’re ALL people!”
I can’t win. So, I must say I apologize if I have offended anyone.
Yes, I’m pandering but this is more emotionally confessional and apologetic than Donald Sterling will show in the next week or so before everyone forgets about that guy because playoffs and fake outrage and 15 minutes.
Suffice to say, I will try not to let me my “bias” for “well-mannered shorter people matches” taint my reviews…
And now for something completely different…
Byron Saxton and Tom Phillips are the dudes in headsets.
MATCH #1: Goldust (w/ Cody Rhodes) vs. Alberto Del Rio
Like an old married couple, Goldust and Cody are still somehow together. We see clips from the latest Dust/Rhodes spat from RAW. Dust starts on the attack but Del Rio counters with his own punches in the corner. They lock up and Del Rio gets tossed into the corner. He tries a splash on Del Rio but misses and Del Rio hits the Backstabber already meaning, like sex between an old married couple, this match is gonna start strong and have a pre-mature finish. After a two-count, Del Rio chokes Dust on the ropes. Dust gets to his feet and Del Rio slams him and hits a headlock. DUst is up again so Del Rio kicks at his legs. Dust is tossed into the ropes and Del Rio misses a clothesline. Dust comes back, hits an uppercut and powerslam. Two count. Del Rio tosses Dust into the corner and hits the Enzuguri and Back Suplex. He goes for the Championship Kick of Faded Glory and Dust catches it and hits the Final Cut for the win at 3:09.
WINNER: Goldust via Final Cut
GRADE: C-. About the same as the Del Rio/Rhodes match from RAW.
Post-match, Renee Young, taking a break from her job popping Skittles and chugging Rockstar Pure Zero, comes into the ring, seemingly, from the same place where unconscious wrestlers in Fatal Four-Way matches end up. She wants to know if the Rhodes Brothers are breaking up. Dust can’t believe his ears and does his trademark breathing, exhaling in her face. He says that they’re going to stay together. Rhodes is insecure at first, asking if Young thinks Dustin’s better than he is. Dust says that wasn’t what Young meant. Rhodes apologizes and says that they will remain together and that the brotherhood is strong.
TONIGHT’S MAIN EVENT: Sheamus vs. Bray Wyatt
A look at John Cena and his contributions to the Make-a-Wish Foundation. It’s hard not to be moved by this.
You can text, “WISH” to 80088 to donate $10 to Make-a-Wish if you so choose.
We come back to the Sprint Center where Phillips and Saxton plug the big Smackdown Fatal 4-Way for the United States Championship, a title about as meaningful and significant as All Dogs Go to Heaven II. Anyhow, Del Rio, Ryback, and Axel will be facing Ambrose for it, if you’re interested.
MATCH #2: WWE Divas Champion Paige vs. Alicia Fox (non-title)
A lock-up leads to the girls rolling outside of the ring. Paige climbs up on the mat and kicks Fox, then hits a Hurricarana of sorts. She rolls Fox back in and Fox decides to roll back out the other end. Paige tries to drag her back in by her hair so Fox slaps her, comes back in the ring and tosses her head into the buckle. She applies a headlock pin on Paige and gets a one-count. She locks in another headlock but Paige fights out and gets to the corner. Paige elbows her there, moves away, charges and Fox kicks her in the face. Another melee in the corner ends with Paige losing her shit and whipping Fox around by her hair. She tangles Fox in the ropes and kicks her, then gets on top of her which Fox reverses into a pin for one. They both try suplexes but block one another until Paige just reverses Fox’s final suplex attempt into a DDT for the win at 3:34.
WINNER: Paige via DDT
GRADE: D+. Pairing Paige with some really unqualified women is just not working here.
Post-match, Tamina Snuka is waiting for Paige at the top of the entrance ramp. Paige nearly backs into her and they stare at each other until Tamina backs off and goes back to base.
Tom Phillips and Byron Saxton talk up Cena and Bray Wyatt in their cage match this coming Sunday. They even offer to “take us back” to Cenation vs. Sheepnation on RAW. This was an incredible spot. If you missed it, YouTube that shit.
This Sunday, it’s Cena vs. Wyatt in the Steel Cage at Extreme Rules.
Renee Young is backstage with Sheamus, fella. He talks about the Wyatts, saying that he took guys like them apart back in Ireland. Fella.
A plug for Legends House. This week, the guys go bowling against old women. “Genuinely funny” says Entertainment Weekly.
Unfortunately, Adam Rose was off the X long enough to find his way to RAW this Monday.
MATCH #3: Kofi Kingston vs. Bad News Barrett
Kofi’s out to receive his monthly squash and Barrett has some Bad News: Big E is boring as a piece of toast and he’ll be the champ on Sunday. Barrett kicks Kofi after a lock-up. He tries a side suplex off the ropes but Kofi reverses, landing on his feet and hits a Cross Body after a series of kicks. The two run around the ring off the ropes until Barrett catches him and hits the Spinning Backbreaker. Barrett sets up the Bullhammer but Kofi counters with a quick roll-up pin for two and then drop kicks him out of the ring. Kofi attacks him and nearly gets tossed into the steel steps. Instead, he jumps over them, comes back charging and runs into the Bullhammer and we’re done at 2:26,
WINNER: Barrett via Bullhammer
GRADE: D+. Glorified squash.
NEXT: “Highlights” of Brie and Bryan getting terrorized by The UnderKaner.
You must NO-LIEVE, er, BO-LIEVE.
(Girlfriend: “What the hell was THAT?! Is he NEW? Where’s Adam?! Give me Adam with his drunken bus and the dancing bunnies and the Hungry Hippos and rainbow guy…I’d drink with him…”
Then, it’s the promised abuse footage.
Wyatts are here. So, I’m assuming it’s match time.
Commercial for Total Divas and then ANOTHER Cena/Bray/Extreme Rules plug because, apparently, I missed a couple of weeks and Cena’s really the champ.
MATCH #4: Bray Wyatt (w/ Luke Harper & Eric Rowan) vs. Sheamus
Bray milks the singing gimmick for everything it’s worth until Sheamus shows up. A couple lock-ups end with even posturing, then Sheamus hits a shoulderblock. Wyatt attacks in the corner after a moment and then Sheamus comes back with punches. Bray punches back and chokes Sheamus on the ropes until Sheamus grabs Bray by the beard and hits him. Sheamus goes off the ropes with a knee and gets a one-count. He tries for the Beats outside the ropes but the Family pulls Bray off the mat to the floor and then trade glares with Sheamus as we take a break.
After the break, Bray hits an uppercut on Sheamus in the ring. Sheamus retreats outside and Bray follows him. Sheamus just runs over him with a shoulderblock. He rams Bray’s head into the announce table and drags him to the mat. The two fight outside the ropes until Bray drops Sheamus’s head on the ropes and gets two. He hits the Senton on Sheamus, then taunts the crowd, asking them if Sheamus is “really their warrior”. He whips Sheamus into the buckle and gets a one-count. Bray puts Sheamus into a chinlock but Sheamus breaks out and punches back. Bray quickly grabs him and hits a slam then tries another Senton but Sheamus brings his knees up and Bray’s hurt. They both get to their feet and Sheamus hits hits punches, forearms and his knee lift. Bray’s in the corner and Sheamus hits a knee lift. He goes off the top rope but jumps down when he sees Bray charging at him and ends up in an Irinaki Slam. Bray gets two, then goes into Demon Spider Mode. He tries Sister Abigail but Sheamus reverses into White Noise and gets a VERY near fall.
Bray gets up and hits a punch and tries to charge at Bray who hits a back drop but Sheamus lands on his feet outside the ropes and hits the Ten Beats. Sheamus hits the top rope, hitting the Battering Ram and gets two. The two men run at each other and Bray hits a forearm and ANOTHER close two count. Crowd is eating this up, doing the “THIS IS AWESOME” chant. Sheamus is in the corner and Bray charges and Sheamus MISSES the Brogue! Bray rushes at him again and ends up in the Irish Curse Backbreaker for two! Wow…he gets up and sets up the Brogue again but Rowan pulls on Sheamus’s foot. Bray runs at Sheamus who grabs Bray and hits a Powerslam for two. Sheamus picks Bray up and tries White Noise but gets put into the ropes instead. He runs into Rowan who leaps off the mat, then runs at Harper with a Brogue but misses and gets caught on the top rope. Bray finishes with Sister Abigail at 13:37.
WINNER: Bray via Sister Abigail
GRADE: A-. These are the matches that Sheamus needs. He’s a machine. He has so many moves and surprises. Bray was the perfect foil in this match. Good, clean win puts him move over than he already needs to be.
Post-match, the Family comes in to stomp a mudhole in Sheamus but the Uso Brothers show up to spoil the party and clear the ring as we go off the air.
OVERALL: C+. Three squashes and a nice main event which saved the show. No bullshit with Santino, Fandango, Matadores or 3MB. This is more like it.
That’s it for this week. Thanks to Scott Keith for making this
possible and if you wanna read more of my stuff, please visit WE HATE
YOUR GIMMICK at http://wehateyourgimmick.blogspot.com and visit us at
Thanks for reading!