The SmarK Rant for Monday Night RAW– 01.03.94

(Since they’re just about up to the point where I originally was forced to abandon my RAW rants years ago, I’ll start reposting the 94 rants and then I can seamlessly jump back in when the Network catches up next week.)  The SmarK Legacy Rant for Monday Night RAW – January 3 1994 – Taped from Poughkeepsie, NY, for the fourth week in a row. Now I’ve been to some brutal TV tapings in my time, so I can imagine how bored and burned-out the poor crowd would have been by the 18th hour of programming. – Your hosts are Vince & Johnny Polo. Now THERE’S the money combo. – So before the credits, we go back to Wrestling Challenge, where we learn that Yokozuna has a phobia of caskets. Sure, that’s a great way to promote the match. Not that both guys are threats who hate each other, but that one guy is afraid of caskets. Funny watching Stan Lane as a straight man interviewer and pretending to have no connection to Jim Cornette. Yokozuna v. Dan Dubiel Yoko pounds the jobber down while Polo is already cracking me up. I much prefer Scott Levy in his manic, rather than depressive, cycle. Yoko with a legdrop, belly to belly, and buttdrop to finish at 3:39. And he slipped and put a LOT of weight on poor Dubiel, as you can see him asking “Are you OK?” and Dubiel answering in the affirmative. Luckily Yoko stayed in character otherwise. Lex Luger v. Jacques Rougeau Joined in progress from Superstars with both guys, and the ref, unconscious. Pierre switches places and gets two, but Luger recovers with the STAINLESS STEEL FOREARM OF DEATH for the pin. Jacques informs the ref that Luger pinned the wrong man, so Lex knocks him out as well and pins him. And now, a SPECIAL INTERVIEW with Lex Luger. He might be entering the Royal Rumble after all. Or maybe not. It’s up to Jack Tunney, really. Yeah, that was special all right. – SPARKY PLUGG is still coming. Bam Bam Bigelow & Bastion Booger v. The Smoking Gunns This seems pretty random. Bam Bam overpowers Billy to start, but gets dropkicked out of the ring. Back in, Bigelow misses a headbutt and the Gunns work the arm as a result. Polo: “The Gunns think a three star restaurant is a drive-in with two kinds of condiments.” I’m sad Levy wanted to wrestle so bad because he’s the heir apparent to Bobby Heenan at this point. Bigelow fights off the Gunns and brings in Booger. The Gunns bail and we take a break. Back with the Gunns double-teaming Booger in ugly fashion, but Bart misses a charge and hits the floor, managing to fuck up that bump as well. This is not so much of a good match thus far. Back in, Bigelow with a suplex for two. Vince reminds us that at the Royal Rumble, it’ll even be Bigelow against Booger! Perish the thought of this well-oiled machine being forced to fight each other. Booger chokes Bart on the ropes and pounds the back, but Bart manages to get the hot tag to Billy, as Polo completely oversells the moment just to be a smart-ass. I love it. I think he knows very well what a piece of crap this match is. The Gunns double-team Bigelow while Booger puts the moves on Luna, but Bam Bam swats a flying Billy aside to fight him off. Booger keeps hugging Luna, drawing Bigelow out for a brawl and the countout at 8:08. They’re breaking this team up already? Did this even go anywhere? 1/2* Next week: The one year anniversary of RAW! Jeff Jarrett v. John Crhystal The jobber gets a small package for two, but Jarrett beats him down and gets a clothesline. Dropkick, but he stops to gloat and gets rolled up for two. Jarrett chokes him down and slugs away, but it’s yet another comeback by the jobber, with a powerslam for two. Jarrett finishes with a sloppy DDT at 3:02. Still pissed about the loss to Polo last week, Marty Jannetty brings out 1-2-3 Kid to get in Polo’s face. So to celebrate RAW’s anniversary, the Quebecers defend NEXT WEEK against Marty & Kid. Shawn Michaels v. Brian Walsh Shawn works the arm, but the jobber gets to do a bridge spot off a wristlock, and gets a backslide for two. Shawn finally has enough and tosses Walsh out to the floor, and plays catch with Diesel. Back in, Shawn with a delayed suplex for two. Walsh with a rollup for two, but Shawn drops an elbow and finishes with the superkick and piledriver at 5:07. Next week: The Quebecers v. Marty & The Kid! Bastion Booger v. Bam Bam Bigelow! Whew, at least they’re paying that angle off. BE THERE!