Just a warning, this has nothing at all to do with the actual WWE RAW.
Before the show, Todd Lorenz was seen ordering all of the concession stand workers to get rid of all the relish and snicker bars in the BoD Arena. He was seen slapping the hat off of one kid who walked by him. He then picks him and shakes him upside down, taking his wallet.
The BoD Heavyweight Champion, Cultstatus, pulls up to the arena. He gets out and tosses his keys towards the parking attendant booth, but the booth is now vacant. What happened to Teddy Belmont as a result of his actions at BoD Mania? And who will park car?
Parallax1978 and the newly sober Officer Farva are having a civil conversation backstage, with Farva eating a bowl of fruit salad and a bottle of unsweetened iced tea. What happened to our doctor? Did Parallax really save him?
Wait just a minute. Is that Dave Justice walking into the BoD Arena! No, it is Tommy Hall with his latest e-book money purchase, an authentic Dave Justice Atlanta Braves jersey. Was the Ron Gant shirt out of stock? That and more questions will be answered tonight on………………………….
Curtis Williams & theberzerker1 vs. Ian Austin & John Edwards
The team of Williams & thebezerker1 were upset that they were overlooked for the Tony Garea Memorial Battle Royal at BoD Mania. They are going to take their anger out on a couple of angry, young anti-smarks who specialize in making snappy comments that lack insight. Anyway, the Overlooked Duo pound on their opponents in the corner. They are taking out their anger for sure. Austin escapes and tags his partner but Williams catches him and hits a backbreaker then the berzerker1 finishes him off with a top rope leg drop. After the match, Williams grabs the microphone and says he is sick and tired of being overlooked and that stops now. He then slams the mic on the mat as thebezerker shoves the referee before he leaves. I don’t think this is last we will see from, not until the next Special Event anyway.
Backstage, Nebb28 is with his pet rock. He tells him that he is not going to disappoint him tonight when he faces B+ talent Joe Dust.
GM Brian Bayless is with his Assistant GM, Director of Procedural Operations, and Vice President of Paper goods, Justice Gray, who tells the GM that they have a problem. Teddy Belmont is nowhere to be found and the champ’s car is still running and needs to be parked. The GM tells him that he will take care of this himself and tell White Coat Security to be on the lookout for Teddy Belmont because he is going to personally straighten him out.
Nebb28 vs. JoeDust
Nebb28 has sworn to not let down his pet rock. He is going against a true B+ player tonight. He ducks Joe and takes him down with a dropkick. He hits another then knocks him out of the ring with a flying forearm. Joe gathers him but before he can do that, Nebb28 takes him out with a plancha. He is doing it for his pet rock! Back in the ring however, he misses a dropkick and Joe takes control. He is overpowering Nebb and just hammering on him in the corner. The camera shows the pet rock on a chair near the monitor, with Todd Lorenz in the background slapping around a concession stand worker. Joe heads up top but misses a leg drop. Nebb gets up and shows a lot of fire in his comeback, channeling the pet rock for sure. He tries a crossbody but Joe ducks and then picks up the pet rock’s pal and hits him with a catatonic before finishing him off with the Perfect Plex. The camera shows the pet rock in the back throwing himself off the chair (it was bumped but play along) and then zooms in on the floor before showing a sad Nebb28 in the ring.
GM Bayless heads into the Job Squad locker room and sees Average Joe Everyman, Your Favourite Loser, and Nick Piers. He angrily demands the “curtain jerkers” to grab a vest and park the champs car. Piers steps up and tells Bayless that he is not a jobber and turns to his cohorts and tells them not do to this. Bayless then screams to Piers that he is the GM, which also stands for “gimmick maker” and that he can make any gimmick he wants and that you will do it to perfection. If I want you to be “Shit Shoveling Sammy Sherman” you will hold a shovel and wear overalls while shoveling shit. NOW YOU PUT ON A VEST AND PARK THE CHAMPS CAR!!!!!! Piers refuses as Bayless scowls at him then orders Your Favourite Loser to park the car, reminding him that its not like the vest will hurt his chances at getting laid or anything. The self-deprecating superstar dons the vest and goes out to take care of the car. Bayless then tells Piers he is going to pay. Piers stuck up to the man and believes he is mid-card talent now. What will happen next?
Tommy Hall vs. Matt Perri
Hall looks cockier than usual tonight and after cheating to beat Logan Scisco at BoD Mania, are we seeing a new side of Mr. Hall? Perri, who according to Wade Michael Meltzer, is thinking of adding a new review system to his “Main Event” recaps using pictures because the current systems are not obnoxious enough. Tommy yells at the ring attendant for creasing his Justice throwback then attacks Perri from behind. He rams him repeatedly against the turnbuckle as he shows his new, aggressive side. Hall shoves him through the ropes then whips Perri into the guardrail then rolls him back inside before finishing him off with a Vader Bomb. Hall now takes the mic and yells at Perri, saying any chump on the BoD can write a recap for Main Event and talks about how he can write NXT and Impact in three hours because he is a pro, just like Dave Justice and not some bum like Mark Lemke. Now, Tommy is asked about the rumor that he wanted a Ron Gant jersey but Hall says FUCK RON GANT!!!!!!! Tommy goes on to call him “Mr. Last Monday Night” but all of a sudden Logan Scisco runs Tommy out of the ring. He takes the mic and challenges Hall to a cage match at BoD Extreme Rules.
Vince Jordan is now alone in the ring. He looks bothered to be out here as he thinks this is all ridiculous. All of a sudden, Paul Meekin comes out and tells him about something that isn’t ridiculous, DDP’s Yoga. Meekin then encourages Vince to join him in a few yoga poses but just responds by rolling his eyes. Bignasty96 comes out and points out how the WWE Network is a massive failure and wheels out a projector so he can show the crowd a powerpoint presentation of why this is the case. Vince doesn’t like this either and to be honest, no one else wants to hear this either. The crowd is growing restless but start to go crazy as it looks like strippers are coming out but it was just a case of the DJ playing the wrong music
and it turns out to be the unstable. Gideon Stargrave and Steve Stennick set up the podium for Jesse Baker, as he reads us a passage from his book “Manservants, Masochists, and Cunts: How to Book Professional Wrestling” (available at BoD Shopzone!!!!!) about how he would have booked the Ron Bass/Brutus Beefcake angle. “Since Brutus was Hulk Hogan’s bitch, Bass would obviously show the crowd that he was below a manservant by taking his branding iron to his pe….” Uh, oh, Todd Lorenz is coming out and he is pissed off. When isn’t he pissed off? Todd is holding a bucket and yells on the mic “WHO THE FUCK SERVED ME VEGETARIAN CHILI!!!!!!!!!!!!” Lorenz dumps the chili all over Meekin while he continues to practice yoga. The Unstable are hitting themselves as White Coat Security steps in and escorts them to safety. Lorenz clotheslines Bignasty right down then takes Vince Jordan and chokeslams him. He now picks him up by the leg and shakes him down for money before walking away with everybody else down. Wait a minute………..Did you just say down? HA HA HA HA HA, YES SIR!!!!!!!!!!! OH MY!!!! Here comes Dancin’ Devin Harris and the BoDettes. GIT DOWN, GIT DOWN WIT DA D-D-H!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! C’MON CUZ!!!!!! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HE GONNA GET FUN-KAY!!!!!!!!!!!!! And look at this, everyone inside the BoD Arena is getting FUN-KAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Anything can happen in the BoD HAR HAR HAR HAR !!!!!!!!!!!!!
#1 Contender Tag Match
Zanatude & Mr. Satan vs. PrimeTime Ten & Beard Money vs. ABeYance1 & thebraziliankid
Winner gets to face the champs at BoD Extreme Rules. Beard Money takes control of the South American kid. He and PrimeTime Ten are now double-teaming him. That is not going to help him land a second date. Zanatude tags himself in and continues the assault on thebraziliankid. He misses a charge and that allows the braziliankid to tag his partner. Watch out, BECAUSE GUNS DON’T KILL PEOPLE, ABEYANCE1 KILLS PEOPLE!!! He starts throwing haymakers at everyone as the match now breaks down. Mr. Satan grabs a chair but his own partner accidentally knock him off the apron. thebraziliankid goes for a crossbody but PrimeTime Ten ducks but then he walks into a chairshot from Mr. Satan, who also takes out thebraziliankid. He takes out Beard Money too but Zanatude comes in with a chair and accidentally hits his partner after AbeYance ducks and now he rolls up Zanatude for the win!!!! The young duo are getting a chance to fight for the straps at BoD Mania.
Cultstatus is walking through BoD Catering, ignoring everyone except for Nebb28’s Pet Rock. He gives him the fist bump then heads to the ring. He heads out and addresses the crowd for the first time as champion. And here we go as Parallax and Officer Farva come out. Cultstatus completely ignores them and continues on about WrestleMania IX needing to be more appreciated and defends Sidney Crosby for being a little bitch. Parallax takes another mic and decides to cut off Cult and get into his face, calling him a contrarian. Cult tells him that he needs to get a step ladder so he doesnt hurt his neck looking down at him and suggests that his “boyfriend” Farva get down so he can stand on top of him. These two are going at it but the BoD GM comes out after a rough day and orders them that next week on RAW, Parallax will face the BoD Money on the Table winner, Jef Vinson and that Cultstatus will face………..Officer Farva in a non-title match. OH MY!!!!!!!
The show ends as GM Bayless walks to his car and opens the door but quickly pulls his hand away as it is covered in hit that someone stuck in the door. He then sees a note on the windshield that reads “Its not Teddy Belmont, it’s Magoonie you silly son of a bitch.” Bayless is fuming as the wipes his shit covered hand on the paper.