Legends House: Episode 1
Hoo boy. A couple of quick disclaimers before I get started here. Firstly, I am known to, on occasion, watch a bit of terrible reality TV. I have the same thoughts when I’m watching a “Surreal Life” or a “Chrisley” or a “Total Divas”…even though I intellectually know it’s awful, I still am often entertained by it. Kind of like a Mystery Science Theatre bad movie – I just have to keep watching because I am sick and horrified that humans could create this. And this struck me as being having the possibility of being a trainwreck of those magnitudes, so I’m kind of excited. However, it could just be painfully boring, but I guess we’ll see. I’m betting on it falling somewhere in the middle.
Tony Atlas is the first one intro’d. His voiceover says, “You probably know me best as the guy who press slammed Hulk Hogan, bench pressed five hundred pound, and doesn’t know how to properly pluralize the word ‘pound’.” They’re in Palm Springs, entering in limos. He says a bunch of stuff that is just words and we see the house. Pretty nice, actually. Lots of WWE memorabilia, and pictures of each of the wrestlers over their assigned beds. That’s creepy.
And here comes Hillbilly Jim. They show videos of him clotheslining King Kong Bundy and dancing with Mean Gene. He spouts off a few country-fied slogans like, “I aint here for a long time, but I’m here for a good time.” and other shit, then him an Tony say hi and drink a Legend’s House brand beer.
Now it’s Pat Patterson with his weird manner of speaking. He brags about creating the Royal Rumble and being the first IC champ. As the limo pulls up, he says, “I’m here, I’m…ready…open the door, let me go.” Come on, Pat. You know that’s not how that goes.
Jimmy Hart is next to enter. He looks weird. Like, strangely the same as he used to, but he’s like, old looking. I know this doesn’t make sense, but you kinda have to see it to know what I’m talking about. Protip: Don’t see it.
Howard Finkel enters, and is pretty fat. Lillian Garcia is pretty sexy and does a great job, but there’s something about how Fink used to announce a match that made it seem more grandiose. Hacksaw Jim Duggan is here, too. That’s how little attention/time they give to Finkel’s entrance. Hacksaw was one of my favorites when I was a little kid, and I’m happy to see that he seems like a nice enough and not overly annoying person.
Now Mean Gene Okerlund is here. Hillbilly Jim refers to him as “wrestling’s Walter Kronkite”. Ok. Mean Gene does an impression of Tony Atlas, which sounds like Mean Gene doing an impression of nothing. I’m immediately annoyed as Mean Gene tries to make a joke, and it’s dumb. Something about poop.
And finally (I hope), Roddy Piper joins the cast. He says he’s used to people hating him. The guys are sitting around drinking and giving Piper time to make a real entrance. He talks about how he’s here to teach people stuff, and how complex he is. Yeah, you’re complex. Like vinegar and water. You know what? I take that back. He seems friendly enough with all the guys and seems like he’s gonna be a good sport. (spoiler from future me 45 minutes from now: good call.)
Mean Gene makes another joke and immediately after, some kinda hot chick in a tight red dress walks in and makes all the guys take notice. I mean, she’s hot, but, you know, WWE hot. Mean Gene is going to play the pervy role in this, as he comments on how she’s really pretty. Oh God, here we go. The first contrived bullshit “Ashley” hoists on the cast is that they have to bring bundt cakes to their neighbors and introduce themselves, which seems SO FUCKING WACKY AND HILARIOUS, YOU FUCKING PRODUCERS OF THIS SHOW. Jimmy Hart calls her a bimbo and is upset that a girl interrupted his boys time. I wonder if Jimmy is rooming with Pat. Anyway, so much nothing happens that I might cry, but then, out of nowhere, Mean Gene and Tony Atlas get invited inside one of the houses for coffee! That’s how much nothing is happening. Roddy Piper scares the fuck out of a little kid by pretending to punch Duggan (who hilariously completely no sells it). Seriously, the best thing that happened during this whole segment is the house owner who has a button up short sleeve shirt tucked into his jeans. Mean Gene makes another fucking joke and this segment is mercifully over. Oh, wait. Now the guys have to discuss all the dumb shit that happened. Ok, now it’s over.
Piper can’t figure out how to use the blender. This is the premiere episode. I know what this show is supposed to be, I promise. I know it’s not going to be a huge hit, and it’s probably intended to be nothing more than just a cute thing to watch and add a touch of variety to the network, but holy shit. Even still. They talk about how private Piper is in his personal life, and then the payoff is that the blender does, in fact, eventually work. Pat Patterson is going to cook some shit. That’s not a euphemism. He asks the butcher at the grocery store if “(he) likes to play with meat” – which IS a euphemism. Jimmy Hart says, “You’re gonna have to expect the unexpected.”
While Pat cooks and complains about cooking even though he volunteered to cook, some of the guys play tennis, and Jesus, Finkel is pretty big. Jimmy Hart says he’s going to trim him down – which is not a euphemism. Patterson complains more about how long it takes to cook, then he ends up not cooking. I don’t know. Mean Gene helpfully tells us that it’s taking a long time for Pat to cook, and then it’s the next day.
Someone hits a gong, and Tony Atlas says something like, “I didn’t expect the Dong Show”, which is a euphemism, but accidental, so I’m not sure if it counts. And oh great, Gary Busey is here. Roddy fucking brutally says, “Why is Gary Busey here? Motorcycle lessons?” Ha! And ouch! Gary says his weird shit about releasing negativity. They’re doing yoga or meditation or something and Gary Busey talks about honking at geese to release is boredom. Tony probably non-ironically calls Gary “deep”. If you’re unfamiliar with Gary Busey’s weirdness, it’s worth watching this segment. If you’ve seen it and burned out on his eccentricities, it’s really just more of the same Gary Busey dumb shit. Meanwhile, Hacksaw and Tony Atlas get into some kind of weird argument about who loves kids more. Something happens about Gary Busey being different than them because he’s an actor and Roddy Piper isn’t. “You’re an actor, I’m not.”, says Roddy. Roddy’s point was more that as an actor, you can move on from your character and people know you as YOU, the actor – but as a wrestler, they know only you as the character you portray, 24 hours a day. That’s actually pretty trippy to think about, but I’m not sure why Roddy seemed so angry about it. Then again, I’d be annoyed if I had to hang out with Gary Busey.
Oh my God, this show is still going. They talk about how they were the golden age of wrestling, which is hard to argue. Now they discuss all the injuries and stuff that they’ve gone through, which is actually kind of what I wanted this show to be. Like, talk about how their lives really are now, and how wrestling has affected them and continues to affect them. Roddy is shown in bed being restless, and says he’s been sober since 09. He’s having trouble dealing with the drinking going on here, and looks like he wants a drink. So that’s the “complex” comment from earlier. Piper is muttering to himself and walking down the dark street (and into the woods?) by himself, in the dark. I feel bad for the guy. I know that feeling of just wanting to burst through your skin and feeling like you’re just trapped. There’s nowhere you can walk that will get you far enough from that feeling. Anyway, the show ends. That was a really interesting segment, and, in my opinion, redeemed the show. More this, less bundt cakes.