Matt’s Main Event Recap

Back again.

Helluva Wrestlemania and a strange new world on RAW. Hopefully, everything resets for the better because, let’s face it, it’s been a weird last half-dozen months.

Tonight, we have the Wyatts taking on The Shield. There are some days where I love my job. This is one of them. I have no idea why these two stables are not in a constant feud because dicking around with John Cena is like drinking tons of beer the night before a big meeting. Sure, you’re on a bit of a euphoric high and it’s refreshing as hell and the night might be fun…but you’ll regret the next day when you realize that beer sucks in the long run what with a bitter after-taste and your stomach feels like Hurricane Katrina.

John Cena. He’s like shitty beer.

I don’t know why I do this.

Let’s march.


We start with clips from Wrestlemania XXX where Bryan won the title and continue on with last night with Triple H telling Bryan that he’s gonna defend the title on RAW — against him. We see the lead up to the “match” where Orton, Batista and Kane hit the RKO, Batista Bomb and Chokeslam…and The Shield’s face turn, defending Bryan.

We are close to being LIVE(!) from the SILVERCajundome in Lafayette, LA!

Byron Saxton and Todd Phillips are your announcers.

MATCH #1: The Shield (Dean Ambrose, Seth Rollins & Roman Reigns vs. The Wyatt Family (Bray Wyatt, Luke Harper and Eric Rowan)
Ambrose and Rowan start with Ambrose making fun of Rowan’s match and then slaps him. Yeah, that oughta make him happy. Rowan beats on Ambrose but Ambrose gets a quick upper hand and tags in Rollins. Some back and forth and Rollins kicks Rowan in the corner and hits some punches before locking in a pseudo-Black Widow. Rowan breaks free and the Wyatts run in to make this a free for all except The Shield plays on the same level and run in too. We take a break.

After break, Bray’s in the ring with Rollins and it’s a bit of a brawl before Bray hits a kneelift. Rowan and Harper get their licks in. Harper tries a move but Rollins knees him in the gut and in comes Reigns who goes nuts and takes out the Wyatts. He hits Harper with a couple big clotheslines and then a not-3D with Ambrose helping him out. The Wyatts get back in the picture and it’s a tag to Ambrose. Bray beats on Ambrose, clotheslining him and taunting him before tagging in Rowan. Rowan does his skull submission move. Ambrose breaks it but gets put into the Wyatt corner where Harper is tagged in and Ambrose gets beat on some more. Rowan tags in and knocks Ambrose out of the ring and we go to another break.

After the break, Ambrose is being beat on again as Harper does the lame Gator Roll Headlock. Ambrose gets free and Harper and Ambrose brawl back and forth. Harper just drops him on his face and allows Bray and Rowan to destroy him some more. Rowan puts Ambrose in a bear hug and then tries a powerslam but Ambrose counters into a Sleeper. Rowan, however, just drops Ambrose on his back and gets a two-count. Tag to Harper and the peril spot just goes on until Ambrose bounces off the ropes and hits a mean clothesline. Bray tags in and tries to charge with a clothesline but Ambrose kicks him. Bray’s right on that and kicks Ambrose who was going to attack him from the top rope. He goes for a Superplex but Ambrose fights out. Bray IMMEDIATELY kicks hims and hits a Spinebuster, getting two. The Shield, at this point, have had enough. Reigns and Rollins run in and clear the ring as bodies fly everywhere. In the ring, Ambrose gets caught in Sister Abigail but reverses into a DDT and both men are down. Rollins gets the tag and Suicide Dives at Rowan and Harper outside. Rollins puts Rowan into the ring and it just becomes an insane exchange of spots and ends with Ambrose hitting Dirty Deeds on Rowan for the win.
WINNERS: The Shield via Dirty Deeds
GRADE: Let’s see…since nobody can agree:
***1/2 for the star lovers
Solid B for the letter lovers
3 B’s for the people who want the best of both worlds
Thumbs are up, possibly at an angle. I dunno. That’s for the thumb lovers.
Is that good enough?

Post-match, Renee interviews The Shield. Rollins and Reigns talk tough while Ambrose coughs up two lungs and a spleen, having been dinged up pretty bad in the match.

There’s a promo for “Adam” who looks like Russell Brand without the comedic style or wit.

A recap of all the “major sports papers covering the breaking of The Undertaker’s streak” even they’re just entertainment blogs.

A promo for Wrestlemania and the WWE. Because it’s a thing. And it’s awesome. To disagree means you hate Scooby-Doo, The Muppets, Betty White, and America. Don’t hate those things.

Speaking of Americans…

MATCH #2: Jack Swagger (w/ Zeb Colter) vs. Dolph Ziggler
Colter is pissed at Cesaro who made a…a turn of some sort. Colter is now gonna rid this country of “every illegal in the country”. So, we’re going there again. Swagger is all intensity, just destroying Ziggler and kneeing him in the corner before getting a tw-count pin after a huge clothesline. Swagger locks Ziggler’s arms but ends up getting dumped outside when Ziggler breaks free. Ziggler hits his quick punches on the ropes and misses the neckbreaker. Swagger counters by taking out his knee. He tries for a Powerbomb but Ziggs turns it into a Sunset Flip and gets two! Swagger gets a Patriot Lock but Ziggler kicks out and hits the Fame-Asser for two. About 3 fans still care about Swagger and chant for him in the front row so Swagger pays them back by kicking Ziggler in the face. He goes for a Gut Wrench Suplex but Ziggler counters with a nice DDT for two. Ziggler charges Swagger and ends up rolling him up for another two-count. Swagger goes for the Patriot Lock and Ziggler taps.
WINNER: Jack Swagger via Patriot Lock
GRADE: C+, **, or 7 C’s for all I care.

A promo for that Rusev dude who’s “in action” next if you can call squashing a snail under your heel, “action”.

A promo for “Oculus” which is getting surprisingly good reviews on Rotten Tomatoes right about now. Of course, G.I Joe: Rise of Cobra got great marks at the 12-critic mark.

And we’re gonna “BOLIEVE” soon.

MATCH #3: Sin Cara (w/o Scooby-Doo) vs Alexander Rusev (w/ Lana)
Rusev comes in, looking younger with the blood of every JTTS he squashes. Todd Philips: “He was on NXT…” Danielle: “And we weren’t impressed!” Philips: “And he debuted in the Royal Rumble…” Danielle: “And we weren’t impressed with that either.” Rusev just hits two moves and a Camel Clutch and we’re done.
WINNER: Rusev via Camel Clutch
GRADE: E+. That doesn’t get a whole lot of play these days.

BREAKING NEWS: Bryan & The Uso’s will fight Orton, Batista and Kane on Smackdown this Friday.

And we’re done for the evening.

OVERALL: C+ show. Whoops. I used a letter grade.

That’s it for this week. Thanks to Scott Keith for making this possible and if you wanna read more of my stuff, please visit WE HATE YOUR GIMMICK at http://wehateyourgimmick.blogspot.com and visit us at Facebook.

Thanks for reading!