I’m new here.
My name is Matt Perri. I run a small-time (or “fledgling” ‘cuz I like that word, “fledgling”) wrestling blog called, “WE HATE YOUR GIMMICK”. Scott liked what he saw, read my Main Event reviews and asked if I’d like to contribute to his site. Naturally, I asked for an iron-clad five-year contract. He told me no and said, “BIG SHOW: KNOCK HIM OUT.”
Big Show, with tears in his eyes, and fighting himself, reached back, hesitated for eight more minutes (which extended RAW by about six hours, all told) as the crowd chanted “NO”…and then…
I awoke and found I had access to the blog.
We are KINDA LIVE(!!!) from Washington, D.C.!
Your talking heads are Byron Saxton and Todd Phillips.
And Sheamus’s music hits…we’re ready to go.
MATCH #1: Sheamus vs. The Miz
Sheamus backs Miz to the corner. The ref backs him off and Sheamus shrugs. Another tight lock-up that goes to a Sheamus headlock and that goes on a while. Miz gets a headlock but Sheamus busts out and hits a shoulderblock. Miz tries a hip toss but Sheamus counters and hits the Spinning Backbreaker, getting a two-count. Miz retreats outside and Sheamus chases. Miz tries a punch in the ring but Sheamus catches the leg and shoves him to the mat. He beats on Miz until Miz dropkicks Sheamus’s knee and stomps on him. Miz works him over in the corner but Sheamus fights back and hits an elbow to the face. He puts him against the ropes and tries to charge with a clothesline but Miz drops the top rope and out goes Sheamus. Sheamus tries a running dropkick and hits it and then tries an attack off the mat but Sheamus catches him and tosses him into the crowd barrier. After break, Sheamus has a headlock on Miz. Miz knees out of it and attacks Sheamus in the corner. Reversal and Sheamus punches back and tries to charge Miz in the corner but Miz jumps over him and tries to run at him. Sheamus ducks and clotheslines him out of the ring. Sheamus chases and ends up getting tossed into the ring post by Miz. He picks up Sheamus and puts him back in the ring, stomping away. He gets a two count after a running kick and then poses for the crowd, hitting the running corner MizLine. He hits an attack off the top rope and gets two, then goes back into a headlock on Sheamus. Sheamus fights out of it and hits the Back/Neck Breaker, getting two as Byron actually asks which fighter will “benefit from a win tonight”. Todd stutters as he probably can’t bring himself to answer that question and finally says that both men would. Great analysis, Howard Cosell. Miz continues his attack and knees Sheamus in the gut. Sheamus is winded in the corner as Miz does the Sign Point of Doom and then sets up for another MizLine but Sheamus just clotheslines the shit out of him and both men are down. The ref starts his count but Sheamus gets to his feet and hits the forearms and a Battering Ram, finishing with a Knee Lift and Rolling Senton. Sheamus goes for the Irish Drums but Miz counters, dropping Sheamus’s neck on the ropes. He goes off the top rope and Sheamus grabs him and hits the Irish Curse Backbreaker, NEARLY getting the pin. Sheamus goes for White Noise and hits the DDT! NEARLY gets the pin. Miz charges Sheamus in the corner and hits the thigh, kicking at it. He goes for the Figure Four but Sheamus counters and goes for the Cloverleaf but Miz counters. Sheamus MISSES the Brogue Kick and then counters with the SCF but Sheamus gets him off of him and Sheamus hits the Irish Drums! He goes off the top rope but Miz catches Sheamus and locks in the Figure Four as the crowd yells “WOO!” Sheamus gets to the bottom rope in like 15 seconds and hits the Brogue to finish the match.
WINNER: Sheamus via Brogue Kick
GRADE: C+. Well wrestled but neither man seemed to have that energy that would have put this over the top.
A plug for the Andre Battle Royal complete with the face of each superstar being shown every two seconds in case you didn’t get the concept of a Battle Royal. Why not just put them in a collage or something?
Next: The incredibly dull feud between John Cena and Bray Wyatt – a retrospective.
Commercial for Wrestlemania XXX on the WWE Network.
And here’s the long retrospective with Eminem earning his royalty check because a brother could use a new Cadillac to maintain his angry white guy image.
Also, the Diva’s Championship Invitational is at Wrestlemania. And the WWE wonders why the buy rates suck every so often. Even still, Cameron looks hot with her Pirate Patch of Doom.
Token blonde interviewer Renee Young has the Bellas backstage. Young asks the Bellas about the nerves since they don’t know the rules of the match at Wrestlemania. There will be a new champ, they say.
A commercial for Scooby Doo, key star of Triple H’s new “Reality Era”.
MATCH #2: Nikki Bella (w/ Brie Bella) vs. Tamina Snuka (w/ AJ Lee)
Tamina comes out to AJ’s music. Woman’s royalty and has been in the WWE for months and still doesn’t have a theme. This needs to be fixed. Tamina knees Nikki in the stomach and goes for a wrist lock. Nikki breaks and goes off the ropes hitting a kick for two. Nikki hits Head Scissors and then uses her legs to slam Tamina’s head into the mat. Tamina breaks free and charges but Nikki hits a Hurricarana of sorts and Tamina gets dumped outside. Nikki follows and gets clotheslined for her troubles. Two count. Tamina picks up Nikki and headbutts her. Two count and a chinlock. Brie fires up the crowd, trying to get a “LET’S GO NIKKI” chant start. Nikki gets shoved into the corner but dodges an attack and hits a kick, then a series of clotheslines and a back body drop. Nikki hits a nice knee to the face and gets two. Tamina immediately trips her on the follow up and stomps on Nikki who rolls out of the ring. Brie stalks her and Tamina kicks her in the stomach and gets back in the ring. Nikki attacks but Tamina hits a kick to the mid-section and goes for the Superfly Splash, getting the win.
WINNER: Tamina Snuka via Superfly Splash
GRADE: C+. Shorter than it should have been. Tamina’s outstanding and Nikki’s a better competitor than that.
Post-match, AJ cuddles with Tamina who’s unimpressed.
NEXT: A recap of the Undertaker beatdown from Monday.
A plug for the new Ultimate Warrior “Ultimate Collection” where he promises to tell “the real story
that Vince allowed me to tell because it involves steroids and racist asshole remarks“.
The recap of the ‘Taker beatdown. The entire thing. Time that could have been better spent on the above match.
A plug for the WWE Hall of Fame which will be shown on the WWE Network. Have I mentioned that the Network is worth every single penny you pay for it?
A reminder of the Daniel Byran/Triple H fight at Wrestlemania.
And we end Main Event with a FULL REPLAY of Raw’s shitty Orton/Batista match. I really don’t wanna repeat what happens here. I’d recommend reading the RAW reports published earlier last night for that. Anything I’d add would be superfluous.
OVERALL SHOW GRADE: D+. Main Event has been rolling along strong for three straight weeks and we got this? I realize it’s one of the D-League shows but you can’t string us along with an outstanding Triple Threat Match for the WWE Intercontinental Title spot and give us E vs. Ziggler and expect us to be happy next week about a lukewarm Sheamus fight and a Divas match that, while well-worked, had no snap or electricity.
That’s it for this week. If you want to read more of my stuff, you can always visit my blog:
http://wehateyourgimmick.blogspot.com and also add us on Facebook!
Thanks to Scott for this chance to entertain you all.
‘Til next time!