BoD Royal Rumble

Its now time for the BoD Rumble
After multiple attempts, I have shortened this and basically trashed everyone, myself included. If you are offended, you shouldnt be.


Live from the BoD Arena, its the BoD Rumble. The winner of this match goes on to face Jobber123 at BoD Mania.

The champion arrives with his gimmick bag and sits ringside, wearing his Billy Owens jersey, showing his support of his hometown team. I guess his Andris Bierdrins shirt was in the wash.

In order to prevent chaos, White Coat Security has been installed to ensure order and hand out medications to those acting in a psychotic manner.

The #1 entrant for the BoD Royal Rumble is………Cultstatus. He stares down the champ, who is sitting back and smiling after pushing away the person that was sitting next to him. And now the #2 of the BoD Royal Rumble………Vince Jordan. Vince is a solid newcomer who has seemingly modeled his snarky style after Justin Watry, which is like an airline company modeling themselves after ValuJet. The newcomer charges at the big man and bounces right off of him. He does it again but gets caught with a tilt-a-whirl sideslam. Cultstatus picks him up and dumps him over the top rope just before the buzzer sounds off for our #3 entrant, ABeYance1. He has made a lot of posts in his young BoD career but I cannot remember any single one of them. He slides under the champ before stunning him with a dropkick but tries a crossbody as the champ ducks and he falls over the top rope and out to the floor. White Coat secruity will now escort him back to his proper place of importance, which is sixteen rows behind poster Pete Labozetta’s pet turtle. The buzzer sounds off as we have a surprise entrant for #4. It is the man………..the myth……………………………………………….the “Catalyst” Chad Bryant. Holy shit, what a surprise! A living, breathing, “trained” wrestler. He goes after Cult and backs him in the corner. Look out, he is setting up for his big move, the Snap Miracle! He tries but he botches the move and falls on his ass as the BoD Arena starts a “you fucked up” chant. After a good laugh by everyone, Cult chops him against the ropes before eliminating him with a clothesline. Cult then grabs the mic and wants a real challenge, instead of the three jabroni’s he just faced. He sparks up a smoke in the corner and puts it out right before entrant #5 reveals himself as Parallax1978. A top five guy entering at #5, who would have thought that one up!. Anyway, the BoD’s self-proclaimed wife-fucker comes out and claims he will do the same to Culstatus, prompting a brawl. The go all over the ring as the BoD whips themselves into a frenzy quicker than a Daniel Bryan defeat. #6 comes out and is revealed as John Petuka, a guy who wants to break through the BoD midcard. Truly, the loftiest goal ever set by mankind! He looks at the brawl and waits it out for a minute. The other two now stop and they all start going at. #7 comes out and is revealed as BoD reviewer Tommy Hall. He is showing off the benefits of his e-book money through his wardrobe, which consists of Champion sweatpants and a Vince Young jersey. Rolling in dough my friends. He and Parallax go at it as Cult and Petuka brawl in the corner. #8 is Dougie2576, hated by many of the BoD faithful. He goes after Tommy Hall and they start duking it out. Parallax and Petuka are trying to eliminate Cultstatus but he fights them both off. #9 is Logan Scisco, another reviewer of the BoD and he goes after Tommy Hall in the battle of the Monday Night Wars reviewers. I’d pay not to see that, personally. Petuka and Dougie are fighting as is Cult and Parallax. #10 is YJ2310, a veteran of the BoD. Truly, a solid hand and a jam-up guy. He has as much chance at this as Jim Abbott does at shoveling the end of his driveway. Just as he enters, Scisco dumps Hall over the top rope, telling him there are no Royal Rumble’s in WCW.

The buzzer sounds off for #11 and it is Jesse Baker! He runs down the ramp but trips over his feet and falls on his face, as Dougie is pointing and laughing at him from the ring. Baker is now foaming from his mouth and runs again towards the ring and enters while throwing windmill punches and is now stuck in the ring ropes! Is that what a manservant looks like? #12 is kbjone and he goes after Dougie. Hey, I thought Tommy Hall already got eliminated? Parallax eliminates YJ2310 by tossing him over the ropes and Cult eliminates Scisco with a clothesline. The buzzer goes off for #13 but no one comes out. BoD interviewer Prime Time Ten is backstage with the camera man as the contestant, Ryan Murphy, is lying unconscious on the floor. Did he get H-Bombed? Well, only if the “H” stood for Heineken I guess. BoD doctor Officer Farva comes out stumbling a bit and checks on Murphy by going through his pockets, finding lint and a receipt from Hardee’s. Murphy is now declared unable to compete. Lots of fighting going on but none more intense than Jesse Baker vs. the ring ropes, as he has the top and middle ropes in an octopus hold. #14 is revealed as cabspaintedyellow, who makes his presence felt every Monday night in the RAW threads in the same manner that erectile dysfunction makes it’s presence felt in the bedroom, disappointing and unwelcoming. He and kbjone team up on Dougie for a bit as everyone else is brawling. #15 comes out and it is revealed as none other than Elvy. Known for his love for TNA and stalking porn stars on Twitter. He goes right after kbjone and is not happy about his “vapid twatness” comments about Dixie Carter. Baker is still caught in the ropes and trying to fight his way into the ring as Dougie is kicking him in the ass. #16 comes out and is revealed as none other than The Fuj. He slowly walks up the ramp and into the ring and promptly leans in the corner, looking disinterested. He looks around and pulls cabs off of Dougie and tosses him to the floor. Cabspainteyellow has been eliminated, like he had a chance to win this fucking thing anyway. Fuj goes back into the corner. #17 is none other than Brian Bayless. Before he comes in, we hear someone screaming “Sycophant” approaching the ring and it turns out to be Gideon Stargrave. White Coat security comes out and grabs him then escorts him backstage. I think they have some gimmicks backstage for him to help calm down. Since we know he isnt going to fucking do it, I spell-checked Bayless’s tights and to the surprise of no one, they were incorrect as their is no “U” in his name. He runs in and dumps both kbjone and Elvy, who were fighting against the ropes. Elvy also gets a special escort from White Coat Security. He looks around and starts to join in on the attack against and Cultstatus. Dougie continues to mock Jesse Baker, who is in a hard-fought battle against the ring ropes. #18 is an angry, bitter fat-guy named Todd Lorenz. A big man, folks. He flexes on the ring apron to little reaction then enters the ring only to get clotheslined to the floor by Parallax and Petuka. Dougie is laughing on the ropes at Baker while kicking his head as #19 enters and reveals himself as Flair4dagold. Dougie is still laying against the ropes as Baker is flipping around in the ropes and manages to get his legs around his head and takes him over the ropes, eliminating Dougie! Baker also falls to the floor as we await word as to whether or not he officially entered the ring. He hasn’t as the BoD Arena chants for Jesse. White Coat Security is in full force right now to prevent any psychotic breaks from happening. Could this be it, will man-servants and rape filled bookng scenarios flood the BoD more than before? Baker re-enters and makes it through the ropes without incident! He turns around and walks into a clothesline from the Fuj and gets tossed to the floor, ending the hopes and dreams of the crazy bookerman. #20 comes out as GIF’s of AJ Lee and Tessmacher appear everywhere meaning it is none other than Jef Vinson. Bayless goes off on one of his shitty rants about AJ never being a star as I grab my stocking cap and pillow, hoping someone will wake me up in time to catch the bus ride home. He is getting heated up but Petuka hits him form behind with a dropkick and eliminateshim as the crowd enjoys their AJ. Look at Petuka, he is gaining the confidence that makes you a top guy and pumping himself up but that quickly ends when Cultstatus takes him down with a big boot to the face then he gets tossed over the ropes. Yes, he still remains the Kofi Kingston of the BoD.

#21 is Zanatude and he goes right after Flair. Cult and the Fuj resume their feud as Parallax and Vinson go at it in the corner. #22 is the Blog Otter himself, Paul Meekin. Just for creating that term, he should be taken out by a BP oil spill. He goes at it with Zanatude as #23, White Thunder comes in and saves Flair, but realizes that it is the wrong one. He doesn’t think it is fair. He is upset about the treatment that Ric Flair is getting from the BoD as the crowd doesnt care. He even has on a 49ers shirt with an unpaid bar tab stapled to the front left corner to show his support for the Nature Boy. He and Meekin team up on Zanatude then all of a sudden, we have a  major collision of all the participants involved besides the Fuj. The Fuj grabs the mic and looks around, somewhat irritable, and proclaims that he has lost his smile and will be leaving and only returning if he finds it. He goes to step over the top rope and eliminate himself but Parallax and Vinson run over and dump him outside. The buzzer sounds for #24 and it turns out to be none other than the “Pussy Magnet of the Pacific Northwest, 302 lbs of solid muscle and the #15 draw on the Place2beNation website”, Caliber Winfield. He draws a 50/50 reaction from the crowd and heads straight towards Meekin. He says that QOTD is his and dumps him over the ropes. White Thunder goes at him and he gets tossed. Caliber is on a roll, folks. Literally, he is standing on a dinner roll that obviously fell out of one of the pockets of one of our competitors. #25 is Adam Curry, who is from the Buffalo, NY area. No need to insult anyone if that is the case because living in Buffalo is insulting enough. Flair holds up Zanatude for Cultstatus but he ducks and the big boot by Cult takes out Flair, as the double-team backfired for Flair. Parallax attacks Cult from behind and now has him 3/4 of the way over the ropes. #26 is jvc113, a B+ poster if there ever was one. I was kidding, he is a solid C guy. Lots of brawling going on as we see Zanatude go after Caliber but he ducked and Zanatude is eliminated. #27 is Kyle Warne, who teams up with another former RoH reviewer in Adam Curry to go after Caliber. Does two RoH reviewers equal one TNA reviewer? Anyway, they brawl all over the place as things are getting stagnant. #28 is RAW recapper Andy PG and he isnt helping the excitement. According to BoD dirtsheet writer Wade Michael Meltzer, Andy was seen stomping his feet at the news of Daniel Bryan wrestling Sheamus at WrestleMania. Wade Michael Meltzer sounds like a serial killer, doesn’t he? BoD Champion jobber123 is sitting ringside, posting 65 comments in a one-man conversation over who was the better rebounder, Tyrone Hill or Chris Gatling, in a thread about the 1994 Royal Rumble. #29 is Phrederic, who goes after Jef Vinson. jvc113 charges at Parallax and he gets eliminated. And finally, #30 reveals himself to be Officer Farva. He is a doctor folks, much like John Cena is the doctor of thuganomics. He is stumbling to the ring straight from the strip club that lets us bring in two phones!!!!! He goes after Caliber and they go at it, trading punches. Everyone has now entered as we are closer to naming the number one challenger for the BoD Heavyweight Title.

Andy PG and Phrederic attempt to eliminate Caliber but Farva tosses them both out. He picks up Caliber and goes to toss him by himself but is stopped by Caliber. Parallax runs over and he and Farva eliminate Caliber. Curry and Warne charge after them and they get backdropped over the top rope. Cult points at jobber, who is most likely posting by himself in last week’s Impact thread over the 1996 Summer Olympics, and signals that he will be the champ. jvc113 attacks him from behind and starts wailing away. He charges at him but gets tossed over the top rope as the final four competitors are set.

Backstage, the camera shows brawling all over the locker room. Scisco and Hall are going at it. Vince Jordan & Stan Ford have attacked Curry & Warne from behind. Guys are fighting on the obviously empty buffet tables as we take it back to the ring. Parallax kicks Cult in the corner as he screams about slamming every married woman in the area like a screen door. Vinson and Farva are brawling in the corner. Parallax goes over to help his pal Farva, who picks up the flask he has dropped on the ground, using the ropes to maintain balance. Parallax gets in his face and as he attempts to slap it out of his hands, Farva drops it and ducks down, causing Parallax to fall forward with his momentum and gets backdropped over the ropes just as Farva went to stand back up. Parallax is irate, yelling at Farva from the floor as Vinson tosses Farva outside, where Parallax yells at him.

The last two men left standing are Vinson and Cultstatus. Not a single member of the crowd are looking at the action and instead on their phones commenting on the latest Daniel Bryan email that was posted. It was only the 4th of the day so you know they still have fresh ideas in their heads. The action goes all over the ring as Vinson is hammering away all over the ring. Cultstatus fights back as these two are fully engaged in a slugfest. They now fight against the ropes but neither man can gain the advantage. Both men collide and are down as the crowd gains interest in the match, which we have just learned is the direct result of Disqus crashing. They get up and Vinson suplexes Cult on the ropes, who lands on the apron. Vinson charges at Cult, who pulls ducks down while pulling down the ropes and Vinson goes over and lands on the floor as Cultstatus has ran the gauntlet and won the BoD Rumble, going on to face jobber123 at BoD Mania for the title.