Welcome, ladies & gentlemen. Here, is the only way a beef can be solved. Inside the ring, at The BoD.
it’s time for the match-up the BoD has been waiting to see. The Fuj
vs Caliber Winfield.
The Princess in respective formal wear, standing in front of a green
screen that shows the crowd, like the WWE use to do in the old days.
reach this point, Princess, but I think the wait was worth it. I’ve
been drinking since 9am, and amazingly the alcohol has raised my
interest for the match.
Princess: Scott, I agree. I’d like
to see a clean fight, but it’s something I don’t think we’ll get.
wide! And don’t forget the BoD app on your phones! And don’t forget
to Tout whose side you’re on! And don’t forget we’re trending!
match up has been building for months, with Caliber & Fuj taking
jabs at one another in different places around the BoD, before almost
coming to blows in the Canadian Stampede thread. I think Bret would
be proud. Oh, Bret….
that he was the greatest wrestler I’ve ever seen.
still tell him.
Studios. We see the crowd filled with familiar faces. Cap Locks Man
holds up a sign that says “THIS SIGN IS IN ALL CAPS”. The front
row is filled with all the luminaries from the BoD; Cultstatus,
Jobber, xanadude, Adam Curry, Scotty Flamingo, and a host of others.
They talk amongst each other until “Why Cant We Be Friends” by
WAR plays over the PA system, signaling the arrival…
comminh done the iasdle is….*throws up*
microphone, and you can hear bits & pieces of their struggle over
under the ring side. The janitor, Phredric is thankfully at ringside
and able to clean up the vomit. While the song still plays, Brian
takes up announcing duties:
accompanied by his protege Sebastian Howard, he stands 5 foot 9, and he weighs in at a solid
249lbs, the man who is known as the John Cena of the BoD, he’s
dashing, he’s extremely handsome, he’s Caaaalliiiibeerrrr WINFIELD!
entrance. It’s similar to the original Attitude Era design, but with
the letters BoD on each side, like the original Nitro set. The ramp
goes from the entrance, to the ring, about 4 feet off the ground.
through the curtains as he does a 180 and does the “finger point
gun thing” that Buff use to do. Then from the curtain emerges
Caliber Winfield. He’s wearing jeans, and a t-shirt with the word
“BONER” on it. It’d be a simple outfit if not for the red cape.
He and Sebastian saunter down to the ring. Caliber with his chest
puffed out, stops to jaw-jack with a couple fans sitting ringside.
Sebastian, defend me!
like that! He’ll tell Scott on you, and you could possibly get
Caliber gives Cult a smug look of satisfaction. Then does the finger-point thing to Steven Ferrari, trusted editor whom Caliber met after his plane nose-dived into Parts Unknown.
Caliber does a simple, yet glorious twirl. He stands up with his arms
out-stretched in a Jericho-like pose as Sebastian takes off his robe
and hands it to the guy outside, making sure to do the warning
towards him like Razor did with his gold. They stand on one side of
the ring as Sebastian holds up his hands, giving Caliber a place to
aim as he warms up with jabs.
“Kong At The Gates”.
Brian: Coming down the isle, standing at 6 foot 4, and weighing 230lbs, he’s the self-proclaimed #1 Draw at the BoD, he is THE FUJ!
wrestling singlet, comes through the curtains with a Japanese flag
that has “Cleveland” written on the bottom. The crowd is mostly
cheers, and we see Adam Curry out in the crowd with a “this guy
gets it” sign, which just so happens to be next to Wanker’s sign of
“Insert sperm joke here”. Fuj takes in the crowd for a moment
before heading to the ring. Once in he sets his flag down and merely
stands in the corner, waiting for the bell. Caliber & Sebastian
converse for a moment before Sebastian heads out to ringside.
Finally, the ref Thomas Hall calls both Fuj & Caliber to the
center of the ring to explain the rules. Before the bell can ring,
Fuj extends a hand in a show of good sportsmanship. Naturally,
Caliber accepts it because they’re facebook besties, however, since
it’s before the bell, Caliber is the recipient of…
backwards, just as The Fuj clocks him in the face with a
bone-rattling right hook. From the ringside we hear Sebastian yell
“REMEMBER BLOODSPORT! DO WHAT VAN DAMME DID!”. Caliber is in such
pain that he can’t remember what JCVD did, he hopes it was scream,
because that’s what he did as Fuj stomped the hell out of him. He
picks up Caliber for a back suplex, and begins to do the Hollywood
Hogan style of choke. He picks up Caliber and throws him outside, in
order to stand in the ring and soak up the cheers, after having made
such light work of his opponent. Sebastian rushes to Caliber’s side
and begs him to get up, telling him to remember that line from Rocky
5 where Mick tells Rocky that the gloves will be like an angel on
your shoulder, screaming GET UP! Caliber makes it to his feet,
climbing up to the ropes where he’s greeted with a knee to the gut
and a short-cut back into the ring via a suplex. Fuj goes for the pin
but it only scores a two. Fuj goes for a neck vice, but Caliber
fights out of it only to catch a neckbreaker from Fuj, that again
only gets a two count. He places Caliber into the corner and whips
him into the other, taking full charge and crushing him into the
turnbuckle, causing him to collapse like a house of cards. Fuj thumps
his chest and screams at the hard camera “THIS GUY GETS IT!”. As
Fuj comes back to Caliber, who’s up to one knee, he doubles over as
Winfield strikes out with a shot to the gut. A European uppercut
follows as Caliber gets to his feet, followed by a short-arm
clothesline, taking Fuj down to the mat for the first time. Roll get
up gets a 1, so Caliber tries a german suplex that earns him a two
count. Irish whip off the ropes as Fuj ducks Caliber’s clothesline,
stops right behind him and bulldogs him to the ground. Fuj goes for a
double-under-hook suplex but Caliber elbows out, so instead Fuj gives
him an inverted DDT for his troubles. Fuj lays the boots to Caliber
before deciding to head to the top-rope. Once there he tries a flying
cross body that finds it’s target, only Caliber is able to roll Fuj
up for 2. Caliber then serves up some elbows in the corner before
snapmaring Fuj into the center of the ring. He hits a 2nd
rope splash before going for the pin, still only getting a two.
Sebastian grabs a chair and offers it to Caliber, only for Thomas to
tell him “Yeah fucking right” and makes Sebastian set it back
down, he does, but of course it’s within reach. While the ref is
distracted, Fuj unties the turnbuckle pads and sends Caliber crashing
into it with a slingshot, busting him wide open. Fuj sees to it an
all out effort to make it worse as he drops knees & elbows on the
laceration, covering himself in a good portion of Caliber’s blood. He
smears some on his chest as if to say “big fucking deal”. Back
up, a piledriver gets a 2 and a half, at which point Fuj is getting a
bit frustrated. At this point, he sets Caliber up for another King
Kong Bundy Avalanche, but as he’s about to take off, Dougie jumps the
rail and grabs his foot. Fuj turns around and delivers a boot to his
face, as the ref & security make sure he’s thrown out. With the
ref distracted, Caliber grabs the chair from Sebastian and tries to
take Fuj’s head off with it, instantly splitting him open. He runs
Fuj off the ropes and nails him with The Roaring Elbow, which Caliber
has loving dubbed The Roaring Boner. He pins the Fuj as the ref runs
in and counts ONE, TWO, THRE—but it’s not to be as Fuj throws his
shoulder up at the last second, causing Caliber to spit out an
endless stream of obscenities. He picks up Fuj and puts him back down
with a Scott Norton style powerbomb, and seals the deal with leg
drop. He pins Fuj in a cocky-manner by laying on him as if he were
watching TV and using Fuj as a pillow. The ref hits 2 just as Fuj
hooks Caliber’s arms with his own arm and leg, pulling Caliber over
into a pin. The crowd roars as the ref counts 2 and a half. Caliber
stands up, pissed off at almost losing in such a stupid way and lays
the boots again to Fuj. He sets Fuj up, like Warrior did to Macho at
WM7, and gets ready for another Roaring Boner, However, just before
he lands it The Fuj grabs the ref, and lets him absorb the blow,
sending all three to the mat. With the ref out, Caliber stands up and
waves his hand towards the back to get another. At this point,
Sebastian gets into the ring to offer up some help in leveling The
Fuj. First, Caliber places his foot on Fuj’s chest and has Sebastian
take a picture. He tells Sebastian to go get another chair so they
can preform a Con-Chair-To and end this blasted thing. He agrees and
runs to get one. Caliber slaps around the ref in order to make sure
he’s awake for the 3 count, and as he stands up to see if Sebastian’s
ready, he’s bind-sided as a chair comes and crushes his face.
Sebastian stands proudly over Caliber’s body, laughing to himself as
he levels a few more blows. Fuj stands up and asks for the mic, he
points to Sebastian “this guy gets it”, as Sebastian takes a bow
and leaves. Fuj knows Caliber is gone, but it isn’t good enough as he
drags him to the corner and executes a Shooting Star Leg Drop.
Pulling the ref over to the puddle of blood that was once Caliber,
Fuj puts one finger on his chest as the ref counts three.
cheers as Fuj gives them the bird. He walks to the camera and states
“I told you, Keith, I’m your NUMBER. ONE. DRAW”
Me and Fuj, our feud wasn’t real. We put it on and thought it’d be funny if it lead to something ridiculous like this. So, please, try and prevent yourself from thinking this is legit or anything.