The SmarK RAW Rant–04.22.13

The SmarK RAW Rant – 04.22.13 Don’t forget that you can now read my entire 2012 RAW rant archive via Kindle:   Only $2.99 for literally MINUTES of reading entertainment! Taped from London, England. Your hosts are Michael Cole, Jerry Lawler and JBL. Paul Heyman starts us out, and he’s sad to report that HHH is not here to answer Brock’s challenge for the match no one cares about. But wait, it was a SWERVE, and HHH is here after all, and he Pedigrees Heyman. I really wish they would have just done SOMETHING else with Brock besides a third match with HHH. R-Truth v. Antonio Cesaro Truth is back to the indecipherable rapping, which Cesaro counters with a yodel. This yodeling deal has got to go. Cesaro attacks and pounds Truth with forearms and a short clothesline and the crowd does the “Ole” singalong while Cesaro double-stomps Truth for two. Truth comes back with the front suplex for two and a spinkick to finish at 2:15. Whatever Cesaro did to Vince McMahon, hopefully he’s learned his lesson. * Meanwhile, a helicopter delivers the Shield. Brodus Clay v. Damien Sandow Kudos to the guy with the Sandow costume. Now that’s dedication. Clay pounds on Sandow and drops an elbow for two, but Sandow takes him down with an Edge-O-Matic and throws some knees to set up the ELBOW OF DISDAIN. That gets two. Brodus goes after Cody and Sandow rolls him up for the pin at 3:24. Yay, my favorite finish. ½* Meanwhile, AJ and Dolph have special kissy time, which sends a disgusted Big E elsewhere. Vickie announces that if Jericho can beat Dolph tonight, he’ll also get added to the World title match at the PPV. Dolph Ziggler v. Chris Jericho Jericho controls with a headlock on the mat, so Ziggler bails for some advice from AJ. Jericho hits him with a baseball slide and we take a break. Back with Ziggler hitting a neckbreaker while the bored fans do some Fandangoing. Back with Ziggler dropping an elbow and dumping Jericho, and back in for two. He showboats too much and Jericho gets a backslide for two, but Ziggler goes to the chinlock. Jericho breaks free of that and makes the comeback with what appears to be a flying Tatanka chop. Ziggler escapes the Walls, but Jericho gets the enzuigiri for two. Bulldog sets up the Lionsault, but Big E nails Jericho to stop that, and Dolph gets two. Ziggler takes Jericho down in the corner on an UGLY spot and gets two, and then goes to the sleeper as this thing drags ON and ON. Ziggler with a DDT and now the crowd is doing the wave. END THIS BORING MATCH. Jericho misses the Lionsault and Ziggler gets the fameasser for two. He goes up and Jericho brings him down with a superplex for two. Codebreaker gets two. He gets rid of Big E and puts Dolph in the Walls, and this results in Fandango’s music playing. And of course, Jericho gets so distracted that Dolph hits the Zig Zag for the pin at 20:00. They gave them 20 minutes for THAT stupid fucking finish? *1/2 Meanwhile, Mick Foley plugs his new DVD. Tensai v. Cody Rhodes Cody gets a couple of shots in, but gets caught in a delayed butterfly suplex that gets two. Cody comes back with a neckbreaker for two and a front facelock, and the disaster kick gets two. Tensai comes back with the rolling senton and a regular senton finishes. Because, you know, 50/50 booking where if one member of the team wins, the other has to lose. Because that’s how you make money. Meanwhile, Daniel is concerned about talking strategy when Undertaker isn’t here yet. Unfortunately for him, the Shield are there and lay out the tag champs. Big E Langston v. Zack Ryder Langston with clotheslines to destroy Ryder, and the Big Ending finishes at 1:43. Just a squash. Undertaker, Kane & Daniel Bryan v. The Shield It’s a pier-six brawl to start, and we take a break and start the match properly. Bryan pounds on Ambrose with kicks in the corner to start as the crowd is finally able to get into something, and Kane gets a seated dropkick for two. Over to Undertaker, who goes old school on Ambrose but gets cut off. A second try works and gets two. Reigns comes in and gets caught in the babyface corner, where Bryan dropkicks him for two. Kane drops an elbow for two and goes to the chinlock, but Reigns comes back with a clothesline for two. Rollins with a dropkick for two. Reigns hits the chinlock and Kane escapes with a suplex, and then fights off Rollins to bring Bryan in. He hits the kicks as Rollins sells like a ragdoll physics demo, and that gets two. Bryan backdrops him to the floor and BOUNCES him off the railing with a suicide dive in an awesome looking spot. Back in, missile dropkick hits, but a charge misses and we take a break. Back with Bryan getting the heat as Rollins gets his revenge. He stops to taunt Undertaker, which isn’t a generally smart idea. Ambrose beats on Bryan in the corner and drops an elbow for two, and into the double-team bow-and-arrow spot for two. Reigns comes in and misses a charge, and it’s HOT tag Undertaker. He beats the shit out of the Shield and destroys Ambrose with the big boot and legdrop for two. Reigns cuts him off with a spear for two, however. Rollins slugs away, but Taker clotheslines him for two. Kane with a sideslam and he goes up for the clothesline, but Rollins escapes the chokeslam and Ambrose comes in…and walks into a chokeslam. Whoops. Bryan goes up and it’s BONZO GONZO, as Bryan misses the headbutt and Ambrose pins him at 19:47. That’s exactly how it should have went. Undertaker got some revenge, but his team still lost in the end. **** That would have been a hell of a way to wrap up a two-hour show…but there’s still another hour left. Fuck. Fandango v. WILLIAM REGAL Well, Regal’s starting to look his age. He gets some shots in, but Fandango beats on him in the corner and hits a high kick from the apron. Downward spiral finishes at 1:37. Really now, why trot out Regal just to get destroyed like that? Jericho returns and tosses Fandango off the ramp, then steals his dancer, the worst thing one human being can do to another in the world of Dancing With The Stars. DIVAS BATTLE ROYALE Now this is what the show has been lacking. Apparently the Bella victory last week has been overturned due to the cheating, so now this is for the #1 contendership. This is a packed field, with FIVE whole competitors. Layla puts Aksana out through the middle but I guess that counts because it ends it faster. Tamina pulls Naomi out as I wonder where Cameron is. Layla valiantly puts Tamina out while AJ has been playing dead for the entire match after a Tamina superkick. Layla drags her to the ropes, but AJ recovers and tosses her at 3:30 to win the grueling match. Man, and here all those people who were buying Extreme Rules for Nikki Bella v. Kaitlyn got their hopes up for NOTHING. When Cole says someone is in the title hunt, that’s a sacred bond between commentator and fan! Mick Foley comes out to confront Ryback, because he didn’t need charts and graphs in his day! Don’t tell that to Daniel Bryan, he was totally into them earlier tonight. Bless his heart, Mick does his best here trying to get people to give a crap about this Cena-Ryback program. Ryback gives a Warrior-rific promo, using words like “results oriented” and “archaic” and “Super Cena” as things get HEATED and a tussle is teased. Luckily, Super Cena is there to prevent anything interesting from happening. So then the Shield returns and Cena’s all “ha ha, I’m gonna leave you to get attacked, sucka!” but then he’s all “Nah, just kidding, I’m gonna save you and beat all three top heels by myself anyway.” So with the Shield running away from the awesome power of Super Cena after previously BEATING THE UNDERTAKER, Cena finishes off the night by hitting Ryback with the FU. The Pulse: So yeah, I kind of hated this show, but holy shit was that a great tag team match.