The SmarK RAW Rant–02.11.13

The SmarK RAW Rant – 02.11.13 Live from Nashville, TN Your hosts are Michael Cole & Jerry Lawler Paul Heyman joins us to start, and we’re never going to see him again after tonight. See, bad stuff is going to happen due to Brock beating up Vince and all, so he’s tendering his resignation before it comes back to bite CM Punk. This brings out Punk, aghast that his best friend in the world would be letting the PEOPLE down when they admire him so much. Heyman is so moved by Punk’s eloquence that he dives in with a hug to reassure him, and apparently untenders his resignation. Heyman was just hilarious here as usual. Mark Henry v. The Great Khali The whole first hour should just be dedicated to Mark Henry beating up dudes and yelling random threatening phrases. Ratings would triple. Khali chops away in the corner, but Henry just keeps hitting him until he goes down, and the World’s Strongest Slam finishes at 1:33. GIVE THIS MAN HIS BELT BACK! He’s just gonna keep slamming people and breaking cages until he gets it back anyway! And then, DISGUSTED by midgets much like all right-thinking people are, Henry beats the s--- out of Hornswoggle as well. Because F--- YOU, that’s why. My god I love this man. Meanwhile, Chris Jericho makes his pitch to Booker T about getting into the Chamber. So if he beats Daniel Bryan, he’s in. Meanwhile, Vince berates Heyman over the phone via Vickie, and Paul asks the DQ and countout rules to be waived for the title match. Daniel Bryan v. Chris Jericho Jericho takes Bryan down for a pair of near-falls, but Bryan drops a knee for two. They fight to the apron and Jericho misses the springboard kick, allowing Bryan to hit him with a dive as we take a break. Back with Bryan hitting a dropkick in the corner and tossing Jericho, then hitting a clothesline out of the corner. Jericho comes back with the Lionsault, but misses and hits knee. Bryan to the top, and after he wins a battle up there he follows with a diving headbutt for two. Bryan throws knees until Jericho catches one and tries for the Walls, but Bryan powers out and into the No-Lock. Jericho rolls through again, but Bryan puts him down with the head kick for two. He throws more kicks, but Jericho rolls him up for two. Codebreaker finishes clean at 10:50. The crowd was DEEPLY invested in this one, and it was a hell of a TV match. ***1/2 Sheamus, John Cena & Ryback v. 3MB The six-man division of WWE is now deeper than the tag division. That’s pretty sad. They don’t even do the pretense of a match here, as it’s an old school World Championship Wrestling special with each guy on the babyface side completely squashing a member of 3MB in sequence until they all finish at the same time at 2:28. Big Show comes out, knocks out Matt Striker, seethes for a bit, and leaves. This feud has got nothing going on for it. Zack Ryder v. Jack Swagger Ryder quickly gets a missile dropkick and the Broski boot for two, but Swagger suplexes him on the floor, and back in for the clip and a turnbuckle powerbomb, before finishing with the doctorbomb and anklelock at 2:33. Swagger introduces someone who is apparently his new manager, Zeb Colter (?). Am I supposed to know who this guy is? Lawler keeps saying how the guy is crazy and he knew him “back in the day” but they never actually explain who he is. Is it supposed to be a repackaged Dutch Mantel? Because he looks like hell if so. Anyway, he cuts a paranoid gun nut promo and Swagger still isn’t over or interesting. However, backstage, Booker T puts him into the Chamber anyway, and Dolph Ziggler now wants back in for some reason as well, so he has to beat Kane to get in. Wow, someone has to beat Kane as punishment? How fresh. The Miz v. Cody Rhodes Miz with a low kick on Cody for two as Cesaro does anti-American commentary. So we’re supposed to boo the guy who loves America, and we’re also supposed to boo the guy who HATES America? Pick your xenophobic heel and stick with it! Anyway, Miz completely squashes Cody, but Cesaro runs him into the post for the DQ at 3:09. And then he elevates the show by giving Miz a GIANT SWING into the railing FOUR TIMES. Miz getting his ass kicked = RATINGS. This match did not equal ratings. ½* Extra points to Miz for completely forgetting that he was destroyed by Brock Lesnar last week and apparently not caring about it. Primo & Epico v. Brodus Clay & Tensai Total comedy squash and Tensai finishes Epico with the senton at 1:00. And then the Funkettes beat up Rosa Mendes for some reason, too. The Shield are out to respond to John Cena’s threats, and they’re not afraid of anyone, least of all Cena. So the lights go out and the babyfaces have a quick brawl and chase them off. This was a lot of buildup for nothing. Damien Sandow v. Alberto Del Rio Sandow quickly hits knees on ADR, but Del Rio comes back with the superkick for two. Armbar finishes at 1:13. Kofi Kingston v. Wade Barrett Barrett hits a short clothesline for two, but Kofi comes back with elbows and a cross body for two. Another one gets two. Kofi walks into a Bossman slam that gets two. Barrett loads up the elbow, but Kofi moves, so Barrett wraps him in the apron and hits it for the pin at 3:01. What a flat match. * Kane v. Dolph Ziggler Apparently the winner of this gets into the Chamber, even though Dolph already has the briefcase so this is likely a moot result. Kane slugs away and gets a suplex for two, but Dolph dropkicks him and fires away in the corner. This crowd is getting more and more bored with the show, and I can’t blame them. Dolph bails and we take a break, and back with a chinlock. Kane punches him out of the ring, but Dolph gets a neckbreaker on the way back in. Dolph drops elbows for two and gets a DDT for two. Kane boots him down for two, but Ziggler gets the sleeper and the fameasser for two. Kane with a sideslam for two. Dolph accidentally knocks AJ into Big E, and Kane chokeslams him to finish at 11:32. There was no chemistry there. *1/2 The Rock is out for the main event interview and we’re going long AGAIN. Rock tells a story about being 15 years old in Nashville and hustling a car from a crackhead in a bar. This goes nowhere, so Punk comes out to retort. He hits Rock with the GTS, steals the title, and we’re out. So yeah, no Undertaker after all. The Pulse So to get into the Chamber, one guy has to win a match against someone already in, another guy just gets appointed by Booker, and two more guys have to face each other for the last spot? Do they put ANY thought into this? Anyway, I think I fell asleep there a few times in the middle. I don’t mind the occasional squash, but a whole three-hour show of them? That’s a bit much. This was definitely a show you could and should skip.