The SmarK Rant for TNA Impact–01.03.13

The SmarK Rant for TNA Impact – 01.03.13 Live (finally) from Orlando, FL Your hosts are Mike Tenay, Todd Keneley & Tazz Jeremy Borash starts us out with the presentation for the Wrestler of the Year award for 2012, and there’s a trophy so you know it’s not leaving the ring intact. The nominees: Bully Ray, James Storm, Austin Aries, Bobby Roode and Jeff Hardy. Aries and Roode begin arguing over which of them wins, but of course the winner is Jeffy. And despite having more money than one person can spend in a lifetime, he still dresses like a homeless man. Roode and Aries interrupt his acceptance speech, but I don’t think anyone is going to be thinking of 2012 as “The Year of the Enigma” anyway. The heels go for the attack, but can’t get it together and Hardy escapes with his smashed trophy mostly intact. Meanwhile, Bad Influence makes fun of James Storm, and he sarcastically laughs at their imitation and then threatens to beat both of them up tonight…and SPITS IN THE APPLETINI. “Hey, you forgot Myspace, you turd!” James Storm v. Kazarian Kaz attacks and chokes him out in the corner, but Storm skins the cat and comes back with clotheslines before tossing Kazarian out and hitting him with a dive. They brawl outside and Daniels gets a cheapshot, allowing Kazarian to grab a chinlock in the ring. Storm hits a quick codebreaker to make the comeback, and he goes up with the flying elbow for two. Daniels again gets involved and Kaz hits a TKO for two. Storm with another codebreaker and the superkick finishes him. Not much to this. *1/2 Meanwhile, Ken Anderson appears to accept the offer to join the Aces. Doc is out to call out Sting, and after a lengthy challenge, nothing happens except for a bat shooting into the ring. OK then. Kid Kash v. Christian York York quickly dumps him, but Kash hits the dive first with a rana to the floor. Back in, York blocks a springboard dropkick, but goes up and misses a stomp. He comes back with a half nelson suplex, but Kash crossfaces him on the ropes before missing a moonsault. York gets a handspring kick and a weird seated DDT for two. Kash with a small package for two and a backslide, but York hits the Mood Swing and HE WINS A MATCH at 3:45. YORK WINS! YORK WINS! YORK WINS! They were on different pages here, but I’m glad to see York finally win something. *1/2 Hernandez v. Joey Ryan This is supposed to be Morgan’s match, but he has apparently injured his arm due to “throwing seven or eight hundred pounds around in the gym like it’s your job.” Apparently Morgan & Ryan get another title shot at the PPV for reasons I’m not entirely clear on. Hernandez quickly lays him out and gets a backbreaker, but stops to argue with Morgan for a lengthy period, at which point Morgan runs in for the DQ at 1:00. IT WAS A SWERVE! HE’S NOT INJURED AT ALL! Oh, and he still hates Hulk Hogan, although Hogan has already forgotten about that entire storyline weeks ago. Let it go, Matt, no one cares anymore. Speaking of no one caring, Hulk Hogan calls out Bully Ray for VIOLATING THE BRO CODE. And now he’s also suspended. This continues going nowhere slowly. Meanwhile, Joseph Park continues his training, as Danny Davis clarifies that Joseph has been there 7 days a week learning, which should explain why he can wrestle like a normal wrestler from now on. Gail Kim & Tara v. Mickie James & Miss Tessmacher The faces quickly clean house and we get a brawl outside as noggins are knocked. However, the heels double-team Mickie back in the ring and Tara gets two as we take a break. Back with James making the hot tag to Tess, which gives us the carpet muncher in the corner before another cheapshot from the heels turns the tide again. Tara with a backbreaker for two. Kim with a gutbuster for two, but she misses a charge and hits the post. Tara prevents a tag, however, and slingshots in with a legdrop for two. Tara misses the standing moonsault and it’s hot tag James. Rana for Gail and a neckbreaker gets two. Jesse pulls Tara out of the ring for a conference, but Tess hits them with a dive while James finishes Kim with the DDT at 13:00. Solid match. *** Cage match: Samoa Joe & Kurt Angle v. Devon & Mike Knox Sadly, Doc lays out Angle on the way into the cage, leaving Joe by himself. So the beatdown commences and we take a break. Back with Joe hitting a suplex on Knox while Angle fights to get into the cage and finally unlocks the door and makes the comeback for the babyfaces. However, he gets the door slammed on his head before he can unmask Knox. After Angle blades right on camera, the heel beatdown continues. The rarity of blood these days makes it generally more special, and this was not the time for it. The faces come back and Angle finishes Knox with the Angle Slam at 11:39 in an anticlimactic finish. ** So here comes the whole gang for yet another beatdown, although Mr. Anderson is only there watching. Sting finally wanders out and beats them all up until they all flee until only Knox is left, which results in his unmasking as MIKE KNOX. The Aces are like the least scary heel gang ever. They lose every big match and can’t even do a 12-on-1 beatdown without getting unmasked. The Pulse At least something happened in the main event. The rest continues to be pretty directionless, unfortunately.